January 12, 2016
Day zero
No not gambled in the bingo since Thursday the 10th been playing stupid slot games and iPad and paying for the pleasure – what an idiot.
I am starting 2016 gambling like have spent the start of the previous nine years. I have gone Through thousands of pounds all of my youngest children's and most of my eldest child's lives away. I put my life , my sanity and my marriage in jeopardy every time I put a single penny in one of those machines. I feel sick again today had an email from the Visa saying "you have spent £433 on iTunes in the last 30 days"and then there's the money I spent in bingo.I cannot carry on this way, What a waste of 10 years.
Financially I've pushed as close to the edge as I can, borrowed money and this cannot continue.
I have to find the strength and willpower to stop. I have to get organised, get my life on track and enjoy what I have got and not keep trying to escape myself. One thing I do know is that is that I can feel better about myself, that my life in general.
I will stop gambling, I must!
So today is the zero and tomorrow is day one.
January 13, 2016.
Day 1.
been to college today so no temptation, I'm now shattered. The real test will start tomorrow at lunchtime, when I have finished at work. I have to come straight home and clean.
Friday I will go to town first thing so that the bingo is closed then make sure I leave before 11 AM so it is still closed. I still feel ill,I'm still trying to sort the visa out so I don't go over drawn and get charges making things worse!
I always want things to happen right now, this instant, and I've always been this way, I know I need to stop this and learn to live for now and not in the future. I also need to let go of money lost, it's not coming back! My main goal is to make my first payment towards the debts, I also need to let go of money lost, it's not coming back! I'm not properly working now so the guilt that I feel towards Paul is bad at the minute, as basically hes working for nothing!
Tomorrow is a new day and a new challenge, but for today I will not gamble because I cannot win because I cannot stop!
January 14, 2016, day 2.
That's a bad day today, little boy at school poorly so no chance of gambling but didn't want to anyway. Early days but going in the right direction!
First proper test tomorrow, going to town in the morning, must be home before the gala opens at 11 AM. I've also asked Paul to ring me at 11 AM to check on me, I know I'm confusing him as I've not told him what's going off, but I've been here before and I'm not ready to face it yet.
Payday tomorrow and things are looking better, overdraft payback and £50 leftover.
I'm still wishing away at the moment, wanting to be eight months down the line having paid everything back but I know I have to start at the beginning for me to learn and retrain my way of thinking.
I will beat this disease!
I must remember -
I cannot win, because I cannot stop.
January 15, 2016 – day three
For today I have not gambled although I thought about it but my son has been off ill again so no chance thank god.
As an awful nightmare last night about losing my family, woke up crying was poorly this morning and felt like poo all day, think it was my subconscious telling me how easy all can be lost.
Bought a book today called Viva lost wages, but it's not my wages any more I'm losing its pauls and he works hard for all of us not for me to make Gala bosses richer – I'm in idiot.
Today has been a poo day but tomorrow is a new one, and I will carry on with this battle, and that's what it is because I can't win the war as the war will not end till the day I die.
I cannot win because I cannot stop!
No plans for tomorrow but I will not gamble, I will spend the time with my family instead.
January 16 2016-day 4.
Not much to say today showed Paul my diary yesterday, he's been great as always but is not sure he gets the seriousness of the situation. I think he thinks it's only money. But it isn't it's my life, my sanity, the person I am that's at risk not just money. In the very end if I don't deal with this, I could lose my life!
It's been a good day today, my friend came this morning for a chat told her what's going on. I thought about gambling a lot today but I've just carried on with what I was doing. Just couldn't be bothered.
I can not win because I can not stop......
Just for today I will not gamble.
January 17 2016–day 5.
Enjoyed reading viva lost wages, will be reading again soon, I have to remember how bad gambling is for me!
Not a bad day today, ready to stay strong tomorrow as Paul at work, kids at school and money in the bank! I will not gamble!
Not much to say today....
Just for today I will not gamble because I cannot win because I cannot stop.
Day six.
Not sure what to say today not been a brilliant or a bad day and still not gamble just been rubbish.
Have a go with Paul as obviously still not taking it seriously, had to remind him to check up on me and the bank account. So pauls change the code on the safe and locked away all the bankcards and visas except the one I use for every day. He's going to check the bank count every day check for withdrawals.
Still feeling positive so for today I will not gamble!
Hello rachel4,
Well done on keeping your diary. It really helps this site. There are loads of wonderfull people who try and help you.
I hope you have a gamble free day tomorrow.
Toad.
Thanks toad.
Day 7
1 whole week.
I think I'm depressed well I know I am just want to crawl into bed and sleep, but I know that won't help after 17 years of mental health issues I know that's the last thing I need todo also don't think the kids would let me.
The boredom is really getting to me, I keep thinking there's loads in the house to do (make that everything) but I just don't have the energy, I'm just abou keeping on top of the every day things. I know I'm supposed to keep busy, keep my head off gambling but to be honest I can't be bothered with that either.
Role on summer, not wishing my life away I just always feel better when the sun is shining!
Still no gambling, and I really don't want to. Gambling is a control issue for me, so by not wanting to that's great for me.
Also meant to say yesterday, I admitted about my gambling to my sister, who I borrowed money off last week as she asked me at the time if it was for gambling and I said no. She was fine with me, we are really close she just wants to to get better!
I'm going to GA on Saturday, my first time in about 3 years I think, to be honest I would have still been going I think if it wasn't for the person who run it but she's gone now so hopefully this time will be better.
If you read this thanks, and good luck on your recovery.
Rachelx
Hiya Rachel , Apologies for not welcoming you sooner , firstly congratulations on getting the firs week over and done with , thats always a toughie !.
I've stopped just over 4 months now and can totally relate to the feelings your experiencing . Early on I just couldn't concentrate on anything , nothing seemed to hold my interest and Ijust couldn't be bothered with all the silly things I needed to do . It will come and it will get easier for you , for a little while you just have to force yourself through those early weeks as best you can .
I think with the deppression you almost need to do the opposite of what your body and mind are telling you to do , like curling up in bed, the problem is still there when you get back up and the only thing thats going to clear your head is to face those things that trouble you head on and clear your mind a bit ?.
I can also relate to the money issue , of wanting to get those debt's repaid , I went hammer and tongs at working , trying to repay what I'd accumulated and it just wasn't reasonable to put myself under all that pressure so quickly . Looking back it could well have made me gamble again , just to try and win some money back , thankfully after talking with others on here , they gave me some great advice which went along the lines of " Recovery's a life long road , so whats the rush ? " and that is so true . I've now reduced what I pay back each month , which means I'm no longer putting myself under so much pressure to repay what I owe !.
It's great that your partners so supportive and also that youv'e been totally honest with him but funny enough I mentioned on one of my posts the other day , how I'd spoken to my 30 yr old daughter and about how I didn't think she realised just how badly I'd been affected by gambling, so your no alone in those feelings either .
Nobody understands a recovering CG like one of there own, which is why this place is great at answering all those questions we go over and over in our mind !.
Take care for now and catch up with you later .
Best wishes and stay strong .........................Alan
Thank you so much Alan, I've been reading through the diaries and your name is there a lot, you really are a very kind man. Well done on 4 months.
Im really not doing well today, I can feel all my emotions bubbling just under the surface, but I think it's tears that will eventually come not anger, I like a good cry sometimes as I think it gives you a good clear out of all the poo. Funnily I haven't cried about this bout of gambling yet, at first I thought I don't deserve to feel sorry for myself, and then it seems to have been stuck. Hopefully it will come soon and I can start to feel a little bit lifted.
i have been here before trying to not gamble and I've given in, but I do feel different this time, I don't think I've hit rock bottom (as I've seen people talk about) but I could see if from where I was 8 days ago and that scared me more than never gambling again ever could.
I have faith in me that I can beat this disease this time, thinking of gambling makes me feel physically ill!
Just for today I will not gamble
Rachelx
Morning Rachel, A bit worrying when you say youv'e seen my name a lot around the forum ( the word pest springs to mind ) lol.
Sorry your not feeling so good today, trouble is there are a lot of emotions running around our heads , especially when we first stop and it's all a little bit raw , nothing wrong with a good cry though as you have to let it out somehow and as my diary will testify I've balled my eyes out on more than one occasion and I'm not afraid to say that either !
You don't need as you said , " To hit rock bottom" in order to realise what's going to happen if we keep on the going the way we we're , I was the same I just had to make it stop because the only way was down and that really scared me too !.
Youre life from what you say on your post's does seem, to use your words be " full of poo " but hey you can soon flush that away ( see what I did there ?) . Just let go of it ,( the losses , not the poo ! ) and that will allow you to move on , I found that it's all about acceptance of who we are and what we've done . Once I said to myself , yeah ok you effed up a bit so what , we all make mistakes coz were human and thats what we do , forgive yourself , stop chasing what youv'e lost and move on , just because we havea slip up here and there it doesn't make you a bad person !
I f***l your blocks are in place , the time money, location thing then you just need to ride the urges out , they do ease and the more days you put between you and your last gamble the better things will become !
Take care Rachel , one day at a time and little steps !
Thank again Alan from what I've seen your deffinatley not a pest!
Day 8
Feeling a lot more positive today and cleaned through the house which I always find is good for the soul too!
I only really went to 1 place to gamble and that was the bingo hall, I haven't self excluded from there yet as I dearnt go on my own no because I'm embarresed but because I'm not sure I completely trust myself yet! I'm going to make the dh take me, all the staff know me so it will be a good deterrent.
Rang and told my mum earlier what's happening and that helped mum used to have a "bit" of a gambling problem along time ago!
Not much to say today but I supposed that's not a bad thing.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Good plan taking the other half stops the temptation and will show you are serious. Your doing all the right things keep it up.
KTF
this journey brought a few tears, ive wasted my sons last year too. you can beat this and your doing great so far, keep it up! xx
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