If at first you don't succeed ........................... Well you know the rest.

Thanks lilly, keep you chin up!

Day 10

Good day, what else can I say.

I can feel my life changing for the better every day, I will keep it up!

Just for today I will not gamble.

Rachelx

Double figures Rachel well done you!!! Good luck tomorrow I'm sure it will go fine.

KTF

Thanks dean and Oldham, for the first time in 10 years I'm actually winning!

Rachelx

Day 11

Good day again, went to GA this morning, there was 2 of us! Apparently it's been this way for a while, I will gave it a few more weeks and if this don't pick up I will have to go to a different one.

Anyway not much thoughts of gambling, I am thinking that I can beat it this time (I know not to get complacent) one step at a time, one breath, one second, one day I will get through it.

Happy Saturday everyone.

Just for today I will not gamble!

Rachelx

Wooop ! Wooop ! Woop! 11 day's already ? Look at you go girl !

Big congratulations on your continued abstinance , fast approaching 2 weeks ! Keep your eye on the target Rache .

Best wishes ...............................Alanl

Well done on the 12 days and going to GA shame they was only a few there it so hard to get the meeting go with low numbers as people move on to another meeting and the numbers never go up see how it goes and if it's not worry try another one like you said

KTF

well done on 12 days! xx

Day 12

Things are lucking up, I'm really proud of the way things are going.

I have a constant anxious feeling in my chest at the moment and although I'm used to these things it's really driving me nuts as I can't put my finger on why? But not to worry it won't push me to gambling and I'm sure it will pass soon (I hope).

Happy Sunday all and good luck on your continuing recovery

Just for today I will not gamble

Rachelx

Thanks Dean xx

Lucky 13!

Still not gambling - still not going to either.

When I first started this diary it was just for me, then I decided to transfer it onto here a public domain so that I had some accountability to myself. I now realise, now that the fog is clearing, that anyone can read this and although they don't know me, they may be looking for help/answers that up to now are not evident in this diary (except for the help I have received from other members) as I have not been giving the whole picture just snippets of my day.

So here goes, my gambling life in a few paragraphs.

Started going to bingo with my nan about 13 years ago, only ever spent what I could afford and never went on the slots!

TBC............. Just going onto chat x

hows things going rachael? xx

Hi great thanks Lilly

Day 15

To finish what I started above!

Had a big win at bingo after a couple of years, still not a problem at this point.

Then about 10 years ago I moved to a new town, had very few friends so I would go to the bingo alone or with the friends I did have and this is when my gambling started to become a problem as I started playing the slots in the intervals and at the end. At the beginning I would loose maybe £100-££150 and I hated it so would go back the next day to win "my money" back (take it from me you DONT). After a few years the bingo then extended their slots room and got even more slots, lots of them tV slot thingys, and this is when I started loosing hundreds a night. I was fixated, I would go alone, not play bingo and just pile my money into those machine, I hated them but I hated myself more.

Eventually my husband found out about 3 years ago. I told him half truths, promised never to gamble again, went to GA etch but to be honest I just wasn't ready, the thought of never gambling again was worse than how poo I felt gambling! So I started going in the sly and my husband got very lapse about checking up on me and our money.

Then about 3 weeks ago I went, I though (as you do) I'll just spend this £50 I ended up spending about £1000, withdrawing all I had in the bank and from my visa credit card. I walked out with nothing. 2 days later I had some more money and I went back and the exact thing, all my money gone again! And that's when I knew deep in my soul this had to stop, there is more to life than this and this brings me to today - 15 days gamble free.

Gamblers come in all shapes and sizes and all backgrounds it doesn't care who or what you are it will get you. Me, I'm a mother of 4, married, hard worker I will do anything for anyone but when I'm gambling I become someone I despise - a liar, cheat, nasty person who has and if still gambling would spend holiday, Christmas, food and rent money to get my fix! I can not and will not be this person anymore I want the other me!

The one true thing I've learnt about recovery, is you have to want it and if you want it you will do it no matter how many times you fall just get back up and keep fighting.

Night all

Remember - We can not win because we cannot STOP.

Rachelx

It was worth the wait Rachel it sounds like you've accepted that you need to stop as you say we can't win as we can't stop. Addiction does not discriminate as you say it can get its evil claws into anyone. I have had many false starts stopped for a while said I was on top of it but was sneaking around the same as you just last night I recalled how we on holiday I said I'm going to change some money but then proceed to find a bar taking bets and gambled half the holiday money away while in Spain came back with some excuse of being pick pocketed even throw my wallet in a bin. It took me to lose my family to wake up an admit my issues.

It sounds like you have a good man by your side take this chance now and keep doing what your doing 15 days is a great start. I hope your meeting picks up if not find another one.

KTF

Thank you Oldham - your a kind man.

I'm lucky in that way I "only" lost a bit of my soul not my family! I had a nightmare at the beginning of this recovery journey where I literally "lost " my family, it was very real and I woke up crying and shouting for my children. This nightmare has kept me strong these last 2 weeks, w have to never forget the bad times as it what's keeps us strong on our recovery journey.

Night xx

Hi Rachel,

Thanks for your post on my diary.I really appreciate it. I can really relate to the fact gambling can get its evil claws into anybody. Like yourself I go out of my way to help other people. My friends and wider family members would be shocked to know about my addiction.

It is great to read how you are staying strong. I hope that you enjoy a lovely gambling free weekend with your family.

Take care.

Dave X