Day 0 again
Have to try something new. Never seem to be able to stay gamble free for long enough and never seem to be able to keep posting on a diary for long enough so this is a new start again.
Male, recently turned 40, first started trying to quit in 2015. Had long periods off and periods of binge gambling during relapses. Solely sports betting. Been GamStop on 5 years and renewed again. Excluded via Moses to every shop within about a 45 min drive radius. Still find ways around it.
Never been in debt. Never missed a payment. Have significant savings. Money comes and goes way too easily. Got no appreciation of the value of money. Have a ‘off button’ which seems to kick in when things get ridiculous but focus lapses and I’ll always start again months or years later.
Never think I’ll get over this but will never give up trying.
Most relapses surrounded by some kind of loss or trauma. Death of a friend. Death of a family member. Death of a pet. Injury or illness.
Love the excitement. Feel more alive when I have a close loss than even an easy win. Very famous scene in an Al Pacino movie where he says we’re all lemons…
“You're a lemon. Like a bad car. There is something... there is something inherently defective in you, and you, and you, and me, and all of us. We're all lemons. We look like everyone else, but what makes us different is our defect. See, most gamblers, when they go to gamble, they go to win. When we go to gamble, we go to lose. Subconsciously. Me, I never feel better than when they're raking the chips away; not bringing them in. And everyone here knows what I'm talking about. Hell, even when we win it's just a matter of time before we give it all back. But when we lose, that's another story. When we lose, and I'm talking about the kind of loss that makes your a*****e pucker to the size of a decimal point - you know what I mean - You've just recreated the worst possible nightmare this side of malignant cancer, for the twentieth G*****n time; and you're standing there and you suddenly realise, Hey, I'm still... here. I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. Us lemons, we f**k s**t up all the time on purpose. Because we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. Gambling's not your problem. It's this f****d up need to feel something. To convince yourself you exist. That's the problem”
Day 1 tomorrow… go again. Sadly I’ll probably sleep like a baby as I’m so numb to this now. Absolute nonsense. It ain’t no life. If any of you young uns are reading this, trust me, it gets worse the longer it goes on. I’m here to help you all as best I can. Post back. Ask me questions.
@5pon2v1rxw briliant post matey. You express and encapsulate the gambling issue perfectly in the way your write.
I absolutely recognise the numbness, feeling alive then regret that you talk about.
I could buy a house outright with my losses and have enough for far more besides.
I reached out to gamcare when I was 40 and the councilor who I spoke to said it was an important age in a mans life. I reckon that she was right. You really start to know who you are and what is important.
I just turned 42 and have been GF for over 100 days now. By far the longest in my entire adult life.
Being GF doesn't just happen because you want it after a loss. It happens because you educate yourself as to why the gambling is happening and take steps regarding how to avoid it.
Keep us posted. You are on the right track. Now it's just about maintaining the right direction.
it's great you're starting again and sharing your journey. The fact that you keep trying, despite setbacks, shows immense strength and resilience. Consider new approaches or seeking additional support that might help you break the cycle.
@thebean thanks for the reply. Yeah, age has to be a factor as well. You start to realise you’re not infallible and that there is a short period of time to reverse your mistakes. Sadly I just feel totally numb to it all. I’m emotionless. The feelings are so inevitable that they become pointless to me.
Well done on 100 days. That’s a fantastic start. I hope to be there around mid November.
Day 1 AM
Another period of reflection. Relapses usually leads to me re-engaging with old forums, listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos on the addition. I’ve started the process again. Trying to better prepare myself and improve. Can’t get much worse.
I have a mentor / sponsor in the US so our paths only cross for a limited number of hours each day. Probably need someone in the UK too so can bounce things off them.
Initial aim is 100 days. I’ve reached that magical number a few times. Always a good starting point. Other aims are to find excitement in the mundane. I can’t keep chasing extremes. I’m massively obsessive. I engross myself in activities but they only seem to last for a brief time as interest fades.
I exercise a lot. I play sport to a competitive local level. I gave up drinking about 18 months ago as I was drinking excessively every day to deal with losses of friends and family. It was relatively easy to stop and not start again. Gambling is another world compared to that. An absolute animal.
@fg5k1sq4be thanks for the reply Christy! Got to try new things.
Day 1 PM
Been reading through posts on various forums and listening to a few new podcasts I found. Just trying to do some therapy on my own.
Not checked a sports fixture or result. Don’t wanna know. Not worth the headspace.
Always seems a huge mountain to climb when you’re on Day 1. Almost want to fast forward your life to 50 days clean.
Day 1 Evening
Poor day. Just a cloud hanging over me. See what tomorrow brings.
Day 2 AM
Fighting through the mental anguish. Trying my best to make myself a better person. Can’t see to get any motivation for the day right now. Quite tough when I’m normally a very driven person.
Day 3 AM
The fog is starting to rise a little. Got the slightest chink of positivity back. Going camping this weekend with the family so just been sorting the stuff out for that. Weather looks good which makes a nice change.
So, initial part of my story. I first remember betting back in my email teens. My dad would give me one of those carbon copy football sheets you used to get back in the day. Write 1 X 2 on the top sheet and the bookies would keep that and you would get the carbon copy underneath. Tick to pay tax on the stake or the winnings etc.
He would let me put on 10p and 20p bets. I remember being good at Italian football as I’d watch Football Italia on channel 4. Loved Franco Baresi as a player and loved USA 94 as a World Cup. My first one.
I must have been a little obsessive as I can remember looking up odds on Teletext for NFL as well and asking my dad to bring home some plain carbon copy sheets to write them out on.
Guess it made me good at maths. I excelled at school and in particular in maths and science (which is basically maths in a different guise). I got great grades and went to a top university to study law. I worked hard but it was also natural for me.
I can see now with my own kids how they struggle with maths and certain concepts but it never happened for me as I just seemed to *** concepts easily.
Creativity was not really my strong point though. The mind has always been more analytical than creative so I’m not into fictional ideas. I never understood Star Wars and Marvel as it was too far fetched and away from reality to capture me.
To be continued….
Day 4
Busy day as packed up and set up camp in Abersoch. Went paddle boarding for first time which was great.
Day 5
Just waking up in Abersoch with the sun coming up. Putting kettle on…
Keep going change I’m on day 3 hopefully we can walk together I’m same as you on age timeline, but that’s irrelevant I think we can only live for today and give our families that we can’t give them yesterdays have good day mate x
@bear55 thanks pal. Day 6 another busy one. Packing up and coming home.
Day 8 - went and hit some tennis balls at lunch seeing as the weather is nice. Getting things back on track.
Day 9 - played tennis tonight all fairly slow standard but gave me a chance to practice volleying with quite comfortable shots coming back.
Find this site quite difficult to navigate and make posts. Really slow at loading up and can’t track conversations that easily. Hopefully will improve or I can start to navigate it better. What does everyone else think?
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