is there any more to lose?

wow...5 months have passed. at the time of writing my first post, i was full of resolve and determination and was hopeful of beating this.

but perhaps it was the impact of having lost my whole months wages within 1 hour of being paid consecutively for several months. i do not think i have managed a single pay day without gambling. every month has been a loser which is no surprise.

and then xmas comes around and you think this really is not the time to gamble. if you can't stop completely, at least stop for this month. to my surprise, we were paid extra early in the middle of the month. i had received a 2k payrise too so i thought i can afford to gamble with 100 or so. if i could double it up it would make xmas even nicer for me, my gf and my family. i managed to do well and won around 500. i even won 2 raffle prices in the bookies after buying 5 tickets! i had a few quid spare change and did a football accumulator. returned £130. all was going well.

on the monday during work i decided to go out and make a bit of dosh from the machines as i had bought my gf a very expensive present which had depleted my funds. she doesn't know i have emergency loans and have repayments to make to others. so in her mind, we are very comfortable for the month ahead. i had no excuses to tell her so i had to agree with her on that. after the expensive purchase, i figured i would not have enough to survive on for the month so i would need a small boost. not much, just 2-300 so that we could get a few takeaways too during my 2 weeks off.

i managed to get it to just shy of 250. i thought one more spin just to get me over that figure. in under 15mins it had gone along with another 700 which was remaining in my bank. now there is 13 quid left with 6 weeks til pay day.

why is it that i only become desperate for help and cannot see the danger that lies ahead before it is too late. we are like moths flying towards the flame. it seems impossible to stay off this path.

now i do not know what to do. xmas is ruined and probably my life too i fear. do not know how i will live. cannot even afford to eat literally.

xmas day. should be one of the happiest days of the year. instead its a sad and lonely day. let us pray that we can turn these situations around and next year will not be like this anymore.

merry xmas to all

Hi 28black

Just wanted to say thanks for your reply on my diary

I have just had the Xmas from hell myself so can completley understand how you are feeling. I too am now left living on pennies until 25th January. And even then i'm gonna be skint as soon as i've been paid.

Your quote" we are like moths flying towards the flame" really hit home with me,

but you can get off this path just like i'm determined to, it ain't going to be easy but we can do this.

Best wishes to you and as you have previously said to me .."Its time for us to draw a line " and you know what my friend IT REALLY IS..

Takecare

have been ok last few days. probably because i have been able to hide away at home, not having to face anyone or anything. i do not have work until the 4th and no direct debits are due til then. so i am able to cocoon myself away from everything.

but when i have to stuggle to work on a 2hr each way bus journey each day, i think the desperation may kick in. i will have to find ways to get money to make ends meet. i had booked a day out at the imax and now i don't even know how i am gonna afford the travel and food.

but somehow we all seem to find ways to survive. i cannot wait for the day when i can look back and see how i won't have to suffer anymore. but in order for that to happen, the gambling has to stop once and for all.

take care to all those who are reading

g

new years eve. very grim day stuck indoors alone watching tv and eating chocolates. but its another day gamble free. another day i can cross off. happy new year to you all. stay strong. see u in 2010

g

hey 28, happy new year to you also, hope you can manage to raise a smile. hopefully you'll get a positive feeling knowing how much potential 2010 holds for you. if you can carry that forward into the early part of the year whilst your waiting for payday, then through to your next payday without a gamble i'm sure you'll feel a load better. keep posting and i'll keep an eye out for your diary if thats ok. it is possible

hi mtwbbs

thanks for the reply. well, only a few hours until it is monday. i will see all the direct debits leave my account which will get cancelled by my bank unless i find the money to pay in by 3pm. back at work after short break away from the office over holiday period. should be getting early night but instead i am feeling anxious like first day back at school after half term, knowing i have a test awaiting me.

i keep thinking about gambling to win maybe just £2 per session so that i can buy food or pay for a bill. at these times you do not think of the harmful consequences of losing but only the possibility of a win and how that can impact you. my head keeps saying that losing a few quid now won't hurt. it is like saying whats the difference of a few pounds when a few thousand has been lost in a month alone.

i felt so shameful today. my sister and her bf invited me, my gf and my mum out for lunch. it was expected that i would foot half the bill as i am the dutiful son. instead, i didn't even make an attempt or gesture to pay. instead my sister and her bf had to pay. they didn''t mind but it didn't stop me feeling horrible about it.

well...tomorrow is an acid test. i will be back in my usual surroundings. 3 bookies near my office. i have no money but i do have access to my office's petty cash. writing any IOUs will simply mean that next month i will not have enough to survive on. i know i must avoid any sort of gambling, big or small. but when you are failing to make ends meet, the temptation to take a risk is ever so great. i get anxiety attacks just thinking about it. i am feeling prety sick at the moment in fact.

well

back at work. bad news. 1 of the secretaries was in charge of the office lotto syndicate and she had requested £5 off each of us. I said I didn't have change and I would have it after lunch. I took a tenner and lost it in 1 spin. returned to office and borrowed 100 from the office petty cash. lost it in 2 mins. now i have no money for food or travel and no more options as to where i can borrow anything. i think i need my hands chopping off...or my head.

hi 28, it's a shame to hear of your slip, i was just thinking loads of people on here had been doing great lately. may be of little comfort but your day doesn't have to ruin the rest of your life, one day is a very small percentage of the rest of your life. i've had triggers like yours set me off in the past, if i owed a small amount like that fiver you owed in the past i'd have done exactly the same to try and win it. its not the way to win in the long run though as i'm sure you're aware of, this addiction we have is like a tapeworm, we have to stop feeding it and the triggers may never leave us but we can learn how to reason with them. those fotbs are just machines, cold, calculating machines and they don't care how much we need the money if they're on the take then we'll lose the lot. they don't want our hard luck stories, they don't care if we're good or bad people, they don't care how hard we've worked for our money they just want feeding. i just hope you can make it to next payday without making things any worse as that's all gambling will do. take it easy man

Thanks for the encouragement mtwbbs. I guess we have to accept that there will be slip-ups but we cannot let these mistakes allow us to fall straight back into the same traps. but when you are in a situation where you are running out of options and you are drowning in debt, you think another small loss isn't of much consequence compared to the potential to earn some money which will help your survival.

am watching a program on tv about the 13 year old girl who refused a heart transplant. such a brave girl who had treasured every moment of her life and enjoyed the time she thought would be available to her. she showed amazing courage despite her condition.

we should take inspiration from this girl's bravery and her love of life. we should not throw away years of our life stressing out, dealing with constant misery and depression. we have an opportunity to do so much which so many around the world won't be able to experience. it is disgusting and shameful that we ruin our lives away in this way. life is short. we should not devalue it and live our life in a positive manner instead.

easier said than done, i know. at the end of the day, we are all sufering from an illness, a disease, years of conditioning and strange as it sounds, some of us depend on it for various reasons. but what is certain is that life without gambling is much better and that is our target.

two and a half weeks now. i am going to sell my laptop. or put it on buy-back until i get paid. £100 is not a lot for a machine that is worth over £500 easily even for a second hand laptop. but desperate measures etc. i will get it back next month. just have to juggle some figures about. i am not willing to let those vultures exploit me even further than they already have.

i can't pay my internet and mobile bills or my tv license but i will have money for bus (but not train) and enough for food. will have to pay back the money i owe work to next month so at the moment i will be in deficit.

from the gambling, i find that i am always in this situation. at work i am always scribbling down my ins and outs for the month. working down to exact figures what i need to survive and how much i am short by. in the past 3 years i think i may have made over 2 grand from ebaying stuff. the actual value of the goods would be much higher.

anyway, the situation of needing money leads to gambling urges. your brain thinks if you risk £x and double it you shall be ok for the month. then i can stop. but even if you win, you think i'll just win a bit more to get some breathing space. there's just no cut off point.

anyway, knowing i am going to be able to get to work and eat has relaxed me a bit. i have been here many times before and always manage to survive to my amazement when it looks like there is no way out. but there will come a day when there will be nothing left to sell...what then?

Hi i've been reading your diary with interest today.

Wow. I am really feeling for you here mate it sounds like everyday is one hell of a struggle.

I am very early on in the recovery and i am battling the urges today with the cricket and on and being snowed in but i do at least have money in my account for the month.

What you said about scribbling down figures at work about how much you have/need. I do that alot and also possible winnings if i back this or that....thought it was just me and just good to know its not.

All the best. Genuinely wishing you luck to get through this.

lunch time. thought i'd splash out and buy a hot lunch today seeing as i am starving right now and actually have money to buy it. what a silly situation eh? don't want to 'waste' few quid on food but willing to stick thousands into a machine. rather risk starving for the sake of a win which will only fuel the gambling and not the acquisition of material items.

i am worn out with the daily bus travel which takes 2 hours each way and usually don't get a seat on journey home either until the very end.

i will probably have to suffer the same thing throughout Feb now it appears. so that is my dilemma. i don't want to get the bus anymore but cannot afford the train. consequently the mind is fixed on gambling to obtain the amount needed.

it feels like deja vu. i am getting anxious feelings about what may happen when pay day comes. i know the risk. i do not know what will happen if i lost even £10. inevitably there will be unforeseen expenses which i have not included into my budget.

next month is valentine's day! what am i going to do? can i not afford a box of chocolates or a meal at the local indian? cinema or perhaps a dvd with a simple takeaway? she deserves so much better.

have raised some more cash from selling a ring i have owned for 10 years. didn't fetch much but still a good amount, double what i had paid for it. imagine if i had used my money wisely. perhaps investing it in gold rather than gambling.

but we all know, its all gone now so can't look back, only forward. there is no shortcut, we cannot win back our losses. we just have to struggle on. that is the only sure way to getting our life back.

more bad weather this weekend so at least i have an excuse not to go out or spend any money. my mum brought round a whole roast chicken unexpectedly yesterday so that will feed us nicely for the weekend. got a few boxsets i could start on but my gf hates spending entire weekends in front of telly but i will just have to convince her its not worth driving around.

am very tired this week as we are understaffed and my journeys on the bus have been exhausting. can't wait to get home, have a bath and get some dinner down me then put my feet up. the week seems to be going ever so slowly. still 3 weeks until i am paid, feels like it should be 2. oh well.