is there any more to lose?

28.

thanks for the post.just read your diary and so much of it strikes a chord.the buus journeys are no fun in this weather-my car went moths ago!my tought process is the sam as yours;if i have a tenner in my wallet i always "need" twenty.if i have a grand always "need"2.if i get there i always need more and off course even if i walk away with money 1 day it all goes back the next.

also the payday loans stuff-they are even worse than bookies-prey on desperate people but no chance of a return.

think its time to live within our means and enjoy having nothing for a while!the answer is out there!

28black,i am in similar position to yourself,paid yesterday and nowt left. i am going out looking for food bargains to get by. its amazing how i travel on short bus journey(got weekly bus ticket) go into a shop and pay 75p for 2litre milk when its easier accessible for £1 in shop round corner where i live yet few weeks ago woud nt bat an eyelid about sticking £200 on horse..times are very hard for us at the minute. we can do this mate..one day at time as they say..good luck

28

Sounds like youve had a s**t christmas and new year.But you will make 2010 a good year. You know what it is like to be gamblefree,so you can see thre light at the end of the tunnel.I know it will be a struggle m8 to get by until payday and it will be even harder when you get paid to resist the gambling. I have been gambling for 30 years and ive never had any money apart from loans (always had good paying jobs) evrything has always been gambled away.Ive now been gamblefree for 3 months and i have money in the bank. Not a lot but ive never had any before.The main thing is 28 on pay day try to remember how you are struggling now. hopefully that will help you.All the best Jeff.

Hi mate

Just been reading your recent entries in your diary and i'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said about pawning things to get by as i have also done the same many, many times.

All the money i got from everything i ever pawned just went straight back to gambling, always chasing my losses.

I'm struggling like hell as you are to get through till payday (just over 2 weeks away now) i'm living on the basics, and got bills coming out my ears am behind with my rent etc, etc so understand completley what you are going through.

We must never ever forget that all this grief that we are going through now is a result of our gambling. I don't want to live this way any longer and neither do you. Just that in itself should be enough to make us all knock this terrible thing on the head completely but as we all know its easier said than done.

But we can do it, and we must...

Keep strong mate these next 2 weeks will soon pass, we are all rooting for you

Takecare

First off i wish to thank everybody for taking the time to reply. your words are appreciated. i am feeling very much under pressure at the moment.

as a result of my gambling, i had moved back in with my mum a while ago. i did not know whether it would be long or short term but i had stopped making any sort of concrete plans ages ago. i just gambled and lived in the moment. no thoughts of savings ever occured. sometimes i dreamt of betting systems to net me big wins, but i think in the back of my mind, i knew that i was focused on gambling and not a future.

but now my mum wants to move to a cheaper property where the rent is cheaper but the area decidedly dodgier in every way. she pays the majority of the rent so i cannot really tell her what to do. i tried to reason with her but she wants to move and she has the final say. she said that as i am a beggar i cannot be a chooser. she is right. i am a grown man who should be starting his own family. friends younger than me have settled lives yet i am going backwards. when i was 14 i used to save up my birthday and xmas money and then take it to oxford street and go on a spree. it feels like i was richer as a child than i am now.

before moving back in with my mum, i lived with my gf. but the rent was high, it cost a lot to travel from there and we basically couldn't afford it. we both had debts but she has paid most of hers off yet i am still drowning in it. she suggested renting together again now that she thinks we are on a sounder financial footing. yet i won't be able to tell her that i had wasted my life due to gambling. and whilst she has used the past year rebuilding her finances, planning for our future, i have been continuing to destroy it by gambling all the time.

i am thoroughly frustrated by my situation. angry at myself. bitter about the those in the world who seem so much happier.

at the moment, too many things are going round my head to think about gambling. but i know that feeling helpless and losing hope is a dangerous thing. it can lead to a mentality of all or nothing and can easily lead to another month's wages lost in an instant.

Just been reading through your thread and can relate to so much of what you have said. Your recent post is an excellent one and I can feel your pain as you write. I think you have remarkable strength and courage because I feel that too. It is time to be 100% honest with your girlfriend and tell her everything. Then you tell others. Holding this back is just too much of a burden. You have to believe in the karma of this world. You mentioned Church, so perhaps your karma is your belief in God. When we give to the world we get back - reap what we sow for example. In the same vein, when we are honest and present our shortcomings and vulnerabilities to those we love then we will reap the rewards from doing that. Have faith in that 28black. At the very least have faith is the people here that are telling you it because they know from their own experiences.

You struck a chord for me when you wrote about being richer as a child. I remember being so good at saving money when I was younger and my family used to give me so much praise for it. I would work so hard mowing the lawn, washing people's cars, doing several paper rounds and other odd jobs that I could find. I am sure I must have had £1,000 before I was 16. I'd even save pocket money too which was 50p a week! I got such a buzz out of saving. In fact, I wonder if I am in the process of answering one question for myself here? (Funny how writing things down helps!) I have often thought that nothing could ever replace the buzz of gambling, but I remember the buzz from saving as a teen was practically the same. Eureka moment! Now i am starting to think about ying/yang! Wow, this is great!

28, please be strong for today. I want to leave something with you that I heard in a GA room over 10 years ago. Remind yourself of it every day:

What you are is a gift from God...

...what you become is a gift to God.

Your so special 28, live every moment of today reminding yourself of that very fact. Talk soon, Simon.

thank you for the reply simon40

i hear what you are saying and i am not just saying that. i know that getting it all off my chest will lift the burden. but my gf is the only person i have who is close to me now. in the early years of my gambling, my mates gambled with me too although my case was most definitely the most extreme. other times when i was alone i would be happy to sit alone with a packet of f**s, couple of bottles of beer, radio tuned in to sports and gamble the evening away. my 21st birthday was a pathetic affair but i did not care as i rushed home and placed £100 on a football match and doubled it. that was when i was on a good run and managed to show relative discipline.

nowadays i was gambling to make ends meet. our relationship has suffered a lot. not everything was to do with gambling but having money would have alleviated many of our problems. my gf did find a deposit receipt for the bookies in my pocket once. it had £1500 on it. she asked if i liked betting. i lied and said it wasn't my money but a friend had asked to put the money into my account to hide it from his wife. she thought it was weird but accepted this explanation. so after all these years, i have had opportunities to come clean but have chose not to. she will put 2 and 2 together and work out how severe the gambling is. i have lied to her on many occasions over different things. but over the last year i have been able to be a good boy in her eyes. besides the gambling and hiding that from her, i think nothing else is wrong in our relationship compared to before. this may sound like a stupid statement as it is a big elephant in the room but we have conquered so many things before. some were caused my us or myself but some were beyond our control. so we have been under a lot of strain but she has been a saint. but she made it clear that if i messed up, she would not take it. and i think that having a secret gambling addiction and hiding it for so many years would be the last straw.

thanks for posting on my diary 28black, i think in your present situation honesty should come into it and hopefully your girlfriend will understand how difficult gambling is to give up..maybe even show her a few posts that are on here (not necessary your own).maybe even if she looked into the supporting a problem gambler forum.. that 75p milk was no joke by the way.where i live there are so many shops close to each other so they are all competeing for trade..i would also like to point out that i was nt bragging about having bus pass (£11 week) i used to have a car but because of stupidity i had to give it up (my ex using it just now though technically still mine)..who knows maybe in the future al get it back again...lets beat this illness mate we can do this.

i know exactly how it feels. tesco value has become my brand of choice. not that i have much of a choice! it is embarrassing to have a basket full of the products. i am also using the bus (£14.60, used to be £13.80 before Dec). it is horrible, especially in this weather. when it is 6.45 and the bus is still cold and empty, your toes go all numb during the 2 hours to work.

i am also thinking of selling my car. it needed a wheel changing but as i have lost my money continuously, this has not been done. the exhaust is also rattling and due to the cold weather and with it being sat under 3 inches of snow for the past 3 weeks, it does not start. so whoever wants it will be able to knock a lot off the value. i will try and get a jump start but the other problems will remain. it is not worth a great deal anyway, but due to neglect it is now worth far less. but i do not know where my need is greater. i have many bills and debts and charges to pay. but if i am moving further away, i will need a car for sure. mayb i will have to buy myself a cheap banger. it is really bad when my boss at work buys himself a new bicycle and it will probably cost triple the amount of my 'new' motor.

It's really tough when you have to deal with the effects of gambling. I just hope when you get your wages you remember these tough times and don't blow them. I know the effects only too well. 2010 is going to be a bad year for me as I am repaying money I borrowed dye to gambling. I don't have much but providing I don't gamble there is a very small light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Hi 28 Black. Thanks for taking the time to give your support on my diary, it is very much appreciated. I can see from your diary that you are having very tough times. It makes me sad to read other peoples stories of what this addiction has done to them. It has changed me into a person that i dont even recognise. Used to save my money, had lots of different savings accounts. No more, just thousands of pounds woth of debt. I hope eventually you can tell your girlfriend what has been going on and get her support. Cant imagine what its like for you having to keep it a secret. If not i am sure you will continue to get lots of support on this site. My heart goes out to you. Take care

thnks for reply bex. yes, in an ideal world i would tell my gf. it is the correct thing to do as relationships are based upon honesty. but i am being selfish, i know. i am too scared. without her i feel i may succumb to the gambling wholeheartedly. i have seen people do some crazy bets on the machines when it looks as if they don't care and are completely wreckless. i do not feel strong within myself right now. my mood is mostly down and the thing which is stopping me from complete depression is perhaps the stressing over how to manage my day to day survival on a shoe string budget. i think i may get a twisted buzz out of finding out that i am able to pull rabbits out of the hat and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. when i manage to get myself out of a sticky situation i am thrilled and delighted. if i was able to live on scraps and saved all the rest of my money i would have a healthy savings account. maybe one day eh?

morning all. tough day so far. had problem sleeping last night so overslept and was half an hour late for work. have been unable to focus on work. been browsing the web instead, window shopping. then i went out for a break to get some fresh air and saw a regular from the bookies who owed me a score. he said he still remembers and will sort me out but he isn't able to at the moment because his wife is holding it all. i am not holding my breath on getting that back any time soon. he asked me to help him do a football bet so i followed him inside. he has the money to place a bet but not to repay me. but that's gamblers for you i guess. i should have known better. anyway, i had £2 and did an accumulator. however, 2 of the 5 matches were called off so i cancelled the bet and kept my £2.

am i disappointed? relieved? sad? angry? i don't know to be honest. it's just another moment of realization of how difficult this can be. i'd left my lunch at home due to rushing in so at least that £2 can be used towards food luckily.

although i do feel terrible having almost slipped back into things, i think i should turn it around and call it a lucky escape. i will need to steer well clear of these places and people. i will have to keep myself occupied but this isn't easy when you are broke. the weather kind of limits what you can do. my circle of friends has diminished leaving even fewer options. i might join the gym when i have the money. that is 1 aim to achieve.

hello mate just quickly read through your thread and can promise you most of us including me have been in the same or a similar position at one stage as you are now. there is no simple answer really you just have to decide that is enough and mean it. i do KNOW 2 things

1. life can be good

2. gambling is a vicious circle that will never allow you or anyone around you to have all you deserve, its a vicious circle you have to step clear of and never go back.

that applies to me too mate . good luck , john.