is there any more to lose?

One slip now and then is still better than how you used to be mate. You have recognised that the loss made you feel down and I think in the long term you may feel strengthened by this rather than weakened.

Keep trying mate.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

Stumper

Hi 28, Simon here. Haven't checked in for a while. Just wrote a post on my own thread, first one for quite a while. Makes me realise how easy it is to become complacent and not to update here regularly. All these things lead back to gambling. I have been fortunate in that I haven't had a bet, probably because I have been so consumed with other personal things going on and also that I have no money to gamble with. Every penny is precious, especially since being sacked a couple of weeks ago and now signing on.

I saw that you went back and it just got me thinking really that we know full well what we are doing when we do that. There aren't any excuses (and I know you don't make any) but the simple truth is we want to have a bet - so we do. I have always believed that gambling is an escape from something. I think any vice is whether its alcohol, drugs, food, s*x, whatever. I guess you have to ask yourself 2 main questions. The first, is do you really want to stop? I mean, really? The second is, what does gambling represent for you? What is it you don't want to face, honestly? It's yourself you have to be honest with, not us lot! Hope it doesn't sound like I am lecturing or preaching! Certainly not meant that way. The questions I put to you are the one's I put to myself and I am trying to answer them now while I write. Just wanted to share my thoughts with you to as I feel a lot of similarities with us two, just got that feeling you know? We are both intelligent guys. We know what its all about it. We know we are going to lose everything - but that's the point isn't it! We want to lose! We need to lose! Its the losing that we want! Winning would be disastrous because it doesn't sustain the message that we are useless, or failing, or whatever the word is that gambling represents for YOU! Fill in the missing word because you know what it is my friend!

Don't beat yourself up anymore 28. Stop it.

Simon. (Thinking of you)

Thanks for posting Simon. Quite a bit to digest. What you are reading is my third attempt in writing this post. It is difficult to put into words why we behave as we do. I know that it is wrong and causes damage and gets me nowhere but I do it regardless.

I do know that it is an escape. Maybe I feel that I have failed in life and when I win it seems like I get an edge back. Or it may be a simple fact that it takes away boredom and the need to focus on reality when I am gambling. Perhaps I am punishing myself for feeling like a failure. Maybe gambling is seen as a way out of the doldrums, however unlikely that appears to be.

My gambling is still very bad but rather than shovelling it all in quick succession, money has been leaking out of my account instead. The reason is that some of my time has been spent resuming relationships with past flings. I mentioned that I do have a GF who I love. But circumstances beyond our control mean that we cannot be together much for the time being. This has led to me seeking attention elsewhere. T who I have not spoken to since 2008 messaged me out the blue several weeks ago. She wanted to meet me for s*x on Friday but I had got cold feet. I had met B only just recently. She lives a fair bit away but wanted to meet in a hotel 2 weeks ago. I thought it was too risky having not planned any of it in advance. Meanwhile, this morning I had got a text from S saying that she missed me. So I have these 3 women at my feet but I have yet to take things further with any of them. Maybe that shows that I am in it for the thrill of the chase only. Perhaps it is a replacement for the thrill of betting. It is not the money I enjoy. But the winning and even the losing in a sadistic manner. To be honest, I am still confused.

Lol 28

You do like a gamble dont you?

We are not talking money here m8.We are talking Russian roulette.

Not a bad dilemma to be in though kid a choice of four by my count.

sometimes m8 its better the devil you know than the devil you dont.

Hope you get this gamble right 28 lol.All the best Jeff.

lol jeff..

its funny...but also there is a serious side to it. instead of building something serious...i am seeking short term thrills. i know the consequences of losing just as i know what happens if my bets turn out pear shaped...yet i go into these situations like a moth to a flame. our relationship isnt straightforward and we cant do much about it for now (long story). i don't know what i am doing or how i am gonna get out of all this. i am surrounding myself in temptation and almost know that i'll give in some day soon. i think the day we get married when i have my own personal ball and chain to control me!

Hi `28, I have just read through all your diary and one thing I have taken from it, and this may seem harsh, is that you have not yet hit your own personal rock bottom, if you had your girlfriend would know the truth and you would have banned yourself from the bookies and the internet blocker would be on. My view is that until you come clean and face your demons you will not be able to stop. You need help and us cg's need someone to take the money off us, push us into the bookies to ban ourself, change the password on the comp etc etc because initially we do not have the strength to do this for ourselves. Having flings with other women is not the answer women sense when men are cheating and your gf will find out, then you will lose her anyway... come clean now, clean up your act and you have a fighting chance, at the moment you are just walking the path of self destruction and when it all finally crashes, you can then say "well I deserved it" you do NOT deserve it, you deserve a happy life, you need to get rid of this monkey on your shoulder, you need to punch it in its god d**n face as hard as you can!! Can you imagine how you would feel if your girlfriend was doing to you what you are doing to her, how would you feel?? You can get your self esteem back, start now before it is too late. best wishes, Maddie x

i have stopped chatting to other women lately and spent a lovely week with my gf over easter. i was supposed to have saved 2k since december so that we could think about getting married and have a future together. but due to my gambling, i haven't managed to save a penny. i fooled myself into thinking that my gambling has eased off a bit because i was able to spread out my losses over weeks rather than blow my wages in under a weekend. this month it has taken me 2 weeks to lose it. i do not think about gambling much. but sometimes the urge just creeps up on me suddenly. today, going to the archive room in our office suddenly saw me going out the front door and into the bookies. i did not plan this when i woke up or when i went to work. but for some inexplicable reason i wandered in and lost the last of my dough.

Seems I had not hit rock bottom after all...

Had a car accident on Saturday, nobody hurt luckily. My fault and small dent and scuff on other lady's car. My car is in bad shape though. Bonnet, bumper, fog light and indicator smashed. Worst of all, my MOT had expired 10 days ago and my policy states that the policy can be deemed if I don't have valid MOT. I have tried googling the facts all day. It appears that I shall just have to come clean and see what happens. The bank account is empty and I will struggle to pay the excess but I will manage that. Just means that I will be left with no car and will have to admit to everyone why my insurance didn't pay up. Didn't sleep well, dreaded leaving the house to come to work today and have got headache. I am worried sick, but I have brought this all upon myself. I am a failure.

you are NOT a failure, you have made some bad descions, agreed, but so has everybody, with or without addictions to cope with. try not to beat yourself up, just deal with it in the best way possible, if you come clean, you will feel so much better i promise you. keep fighting, take care, maddie x

well..it is 11, nearly 12 months since my first post. i can say that i have made no progress whatsoever.

Does not sound too positive a post to say the least mate.

What has been happening?

You know that you will get plenty lots of help and advice on here mate.

chin up dude start again and pass me one o them 4 women you been having trouble with 😉 come on blackie as stumper says we're all here together,onwards and upwards !!!

28

Its not like you to get so down m8.Come on kid pick up the pieces.You never give in.Lets have some more posting from you.Its gotta help.All the best Jeff.

Hey 28Black, I thought I'd have a look for your diary as I remember it so well from when I first came on here. Let us know how you are doing - I hope you are OK.

4D

Another half a year gone. Progress, nil. Another 6k down the drain at least. Decided to split up with my gf as it wasn't working out. Feel lonely these days. Bored. Unoccupied. Got paid today. Went out to get some milk. Was aiming to win £200. Did that but continued to gamble. 30 minutes later, my wages have gone. I am going on a big holiday next year with my whole family. I haven't a penny saved up with only a couple of months left. Feeling numb again.