It's all or nothing, always

That's it Xenedra :))

The turning point now because you simply admitted that " Gambling had you beat " and acceptance is the key to move forward which is exactly the way it worked for me . I'd tried for so many years to turn my back on it but kept getting dragged back in by the thought of " Wanting revenge " for money lost but as soon as I'd admitted I couldn't fight it anymore and let go it just became much easier to deal with because if there's nothing to go back for there's no reason to gamble again is there :)) .

I'm not going to stand here and preach to you as youv'e had enough of a rough time but I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for fighting back and moving forward again . I'm also verry happy to walk alongside you in recovery :))

Talk to you soon

Alan x

Thank you a million times ALAN.

It is so hard to come back here at times, partly because the the gambling demons is whispering 'dont tell...carry on'. but also because it can be triggering and annoying to others invested in recovery to hear about constant relapses.

It has to happen now. No way back.

I will be here on payday next month celebrating...i am sure of it this time.

But you are right...I was always curious if the next bet may be the one but now I dont want to know. And that is the biggest change!

Well done for such an honest post, full of situations I'm sure we're all familiar with. It's almost like it'S gotta to break you to remake you. Good on youfor returning but bear in mind no one will (or shoild) judge you here. Take care and start racking up those days S:)

Good to see you back Xenedra :)))

Hi xenedra 250 miles, that says a lot. I think honesty is the most important thing, being honest with yourself. You can't do this alone. Take all the help offered and close off the door to money. Just worry about today.

Xenedra, well done for coming back to the forum and for having the courage to take counselling. It is a long hard process and very difficult recover alone so take all the help you can get.

Do post daily and celebrate each day that is gamble free. The first days are always the worst but things do get easier after you clear your head and get a small run of gamble free days behind you.

Addiction makes you believe that you cannot live without gambling and that you cannot be strong enough to beat it. Just remember that this is purely addiction speaking. You certainly can.

Markman

Xenedra wrote: In that moment I realised that gambling had won...it finally had me.

Hi Xenedra,

You need that moment to stop, as having enough and really wanting to stop are different, so many times I would say that's it never again, I knew I shouldnt but somehow I was always back, looking for revenge somehow for what gambling has done to me. That moment when you say gambling has won is the day that you can stop forever. You can do it.

Hi Xenedra

Welcome to the forum. I notice your comments about being on here celebrating next payday.... from experience can I urge caution, I find it very easy to breathe a sigh of relief on that day and think that I am back in control because my bank balance is not zero... in reality this is when the urge is greatest and very quickly the cracks in the armour appear.

I am not trying to be negative, only to highlight a pitiful that I am probably countless others have experienced.

I wish you well on your journey and look forward to reading more of your posts.

Stay safe and GF.

Wow Xenedra... this story was so familiar to me.

Especially not even knowing if you can afford petrol to get to work for the rest of the month. It's utterly shameful and humiliating. I'm with StepChange too - and have done exactly what you said - luckily they were so nice to me too.

Congratulations for being so strong and choosing to fight this. You WILL do this.

DAY 1

Thank you for all your replies.

I dont really know how I feel about today. Still reeling from the losses but at the same time I feel seperate from it like all of this couldnt have possibly happened to me.

I scrapped through today and tried to just not think about money to be honest (although my old work shoes are a constant reminder).

I feel quite sad, like an empty sadness. Not depression or even a low mood...more of a genuine sadness for my situation.

One day at a time.

Today I am thankful for the following:

• ​My daughter helped me with the washing up and we had a lovely chat.
• I have not gambled
• Im still here...still ready to beat this addiction

I understood months ago that I could never win because I could never stop...today I dont care about trying to win....

How was everyone elses day?

Love Xenedra

Evening Xenedra :)).

I'm not suprised you feel " Empty " as it's what Gambling does to us ! .

I remember times walking back from a bookies or a casino ( the walk of shame ) having blown vast's sums of money and to make it worse usually money meant for other things too ! , my stomach literally in knots with anxiety wondering how I was going to replace it before being rumbled , I've also cried buckets some nights because of this as well but come the next morning all was forgiven and off I went gambling again because " This time I had to win, right ?" . Gambling promises us so much but just rips it all away without a second thought as to how were doing , it just doesn't care :(( .

As tough as it is now it could get or be far worse and the good thing is it can also get better quite quickly if you'll let it , youv'e many positive things in your life as your thankfull list's are already showing , so focus on what's good for now , take each day as it comes " A blank Canvass " your's to create the picture you want :)) Look back and reflect by all means but just don't stare :)) .

Sending you a Cyber hug and my best wishes :))

Talk to you soon .

Thanks Alan : )

DAY 2

Hello, day 2...you started well. A potentially busy day at work slowed to allow me time to catch up. If only life would do the same.

Still GF and i know its such early days but im struggling to live with what iv done over the last year.

Today, I received a phone call from a lady I know (to do with horses) who basically called to give me (and my daughter) first refusal on a rental property. She knows im with relatives at the moment and said that she knows me and would be happy to rent to me...just need a small deposit and the first month up front. Now...for some this may be nothing important. However for me...this is everything. The house is a small cottage near where my daughter keeps her pony, cheap (ish) rent and stability. And i need it...I need it becuase my daughter doesnt like living with very old people...its strange here and not home at all and to be honest it is not nice to have to be techincally homeless living in one room (although I a forever gratful that they allowed us to stay here).

But I dont have the money...no where near it. The lady needs the cash in the next coouple of weeks or she will let it go to another couple that she knows are interested. And iv racked my brains for hours but there is no way I can raise or borrow this money. So Iv failed again...Iv failed my daughter and myself.

I so wanted this place, I will never pass a referencing check with an estate agent due to my significant debt. And I dont know anyone else that would ever offer a propery like this in these situations. If we dont get this house, we will be stuck living here like this for potentially years .

The lady gave me the weekend to think about it...but what can i do?

To be honest, i feel like a complete and utter loser. All becuase of gambling. I have put my daughter into a stressful situation where she has to suffer (eg we share a room, she isnt allowed friends round, cant ever watch tv etc.) becuase of my addicition. If I had lost us our home due to a heroin or alcohol addiction...she would unlikely be in my care now. How is this different. I have nothing to provide for her. I have let her and myself down.

Friday night...gin in hand (daughter at her dads) and feeling ultimately rubbish...what have I done??

DAY 2...feels like forever.

First of all. You need to not be too hard on yourself. Yes, the situation is a bit messy, but just think you are stepping in the right direction.

It doesn't matter what you've done in the past, what matters is that you are making the steps to change. Time will pass, and you will beat this, and you will get another opportunity.

Just keep remembering, all your daughter needs is a brilliant happy, loving mother. And you have the opportunity to be like that every single day and truly mean it (and not be bogged down by feeling c**P). The alternative? You just spend your daughters childhood putting up a fake smile everyday.

Focus on your strength, I know you can do it. Every day is a step in the right direction.

Unfortunately Lady it is what it is I'm afraid , looking back and beating yourself up over some stupid choices all of us on here are guilty of will do you no good at all and will resolve nothing and will ultimately just make you feel more miserable .

As easy as it is for me to say this is just about money and time lost and the time you spent gambling may have gone for good but the money can be re earnt over time however long that takes , there's a saying on her about" it's ok to look back but try not to stare " , youv'e not commited some horrid crime your a Compulsive Gambler and that's all , if you had had a Drug habit or a alcohol addiction and had your daughter been taken into care would you then be worried over weather or not you could afford the deposit on a house or the fact that you may never have custody of your daughter again ? you have to look at that as a huge positive ?. Ok , your in a mess but we all or most of us are when we turn up here so what ? , you stop gambling and start fixing it one day at a time . Just a thought but could you not ask the person renting the house if they would take a bigger rent for a couple of months to include the deposit ? , you don't have to go into detail but just say things are a bit tight right now perhaps an unexpected bill ? .

Remember you not a loser until you give up and from what I can see youv'e far from given up :))