It's finally over

Day 3.

Another good day yesterday. No real urges, although a few gambling related thoughts did pop into my head. Towards the end of the evening I did find myself thinking about fruit machines, i've noticed that these thoughts do seem to edge in more towards the end of the days. I guess my mind is occupied at work and early evening as i'm cooking dinner etc, but later on as I get more tired, and just have a bit of free time, this is when the thoughts start to come in. They were easily dismissed each time, by me reminding myself that I would never play them again.

I also found myself worrying what it'd be like once i'd been paid. I reminded myself that it'd be okay because my parents are going to be looking after my money for me. Bring on day 3!

The weekend can be looked at in 2 ways really. For the most part, I kept myself busy, and gambling thoughts and urges were at a minimum. I plan on moving out of my current house share at the end of August, and finding a place for myself (to rent). I went round a few house viewings and found a place that I really liked. My parents have said they will help me out with the initial costs involved with moving house, and I went through and calculated what all my monthly outgoings would be, once I move into the new place. It was quite a bit higher than what i'm paying at the moment, and the first thing I thought was "Uhoh, i'll have less money to gamble with." I was able to quickly dismiss this ridiculous concept from my head, as although it's more expensive than what i'm used to, it's certainly affordable.

So after the excitement of that was over, I found myself at home with not a great deal to do, or on my mind. My mind started wondering towards gambling, and thoughts that are just so normal to me now starting popping up. "Just put £20 online". "Let's go down to the pub and check the fruities". I kept dismissing them, but they kept popping up, and finally I actually stood up out of my chair and physically exclaimed "NO!!". I know it must sound ridiculous but that's genuinely what happened.

Needless to say, I didn't gamble. At some moments I feel so positive I can do this, other times I keep saying to myself that i'm bound to cave in. I know this is the addiction talking. Currently i'm still in control. Bring on day 6 🙂

Day 6 update:

I'm sat at home with some money in my account (for a weekend away) and the gambling thoughts are coming in thick and fast. I keep saying no, no, no. I decide to have another stab at registering for GamStop (tried 10+ times before and it hasn't been able to ID me) AND IT WORKED!! I literally jumped out of my chair with joy. Think that tells a little story that.

Onwards with my journey (y)

Well done for persisting with GAMSTOP and registering. That will be the best thing that you could do to help you in this battle. Remove the temptation and the possibility to gamble online is massive. A happy life is out there if you really want it.

Day 8. I've made it through a whole week without gambling. The thoughts are still there, urges I have to say were less prominent yesterday. I think knowing I am now registered with GamStop really helped keep those urges away. On previous attempts to quit (usually after a heavy loss) the urges started to come back after a couple of days, and by day 3 or 4 they were so powerful and constant that I would cave into them.

This time, something feels different. Something definitely feels different. When I get urges, I think to the last time I walked home, alone, in tears. I think of all the friends I used to have. I think of all the things I used to do for enjoyment. I think of a happier me, in better shape, with more confidence.

I am scared of the looming payday, but this month I have so much I need to pay for with regards to spending money for holidays, and moving house. It's going to be a very busy gamble free month for me!

I can not and will not gamble ever again.

Day 10. Still going.

Urges were really bad yesterday. I'm going to struggle massively with finances this month, and I'm supposed to be going away for the weekend tomorrow and don't really have enough for it. I was just thinking if only I could go down the pub and win a few extra quid.
I think it's boredom that brings out the urges more than anything, I need to find something else to fill my time. I also had dreams I was playing fruit machines.

On I go

I caved. I gambled and now i'm in an even worse situation than I was before. I think the tears are done for now. I hate myself so f*****g much. Why me, why can't I just go back to before all of this? What am I supposed to do? I've tried so many times and every single time I fail. I really thought this time was for real yet I still couldn't stop myself. Back to square one. I really can't take this any more

Hi lando92

Sorry to hear that you're feeling bad after a gambling lapse. If you are able to do so, try not to be alone with this and chat to an advisor on the Netline or the HelpLine 0808 8020 133, who can help advise you on strengthening blocks to access gambling and coping strategies to deal with urges. Well done on registering with Gamstop; we can advise on further strategies or treatment that may help. It can be very hard to do this alone without additional support.

Warm regards

Forum Admin

Hi, I think it's about time I updated this again. Really sad to read over one of my failed attempts, but i'll never stop trying.

So, here I am again. I'm 30 days gamble free now, which is by far the longest i've managed since I realised I had a gambling addiction. Payday has been and gone. I have a DMP in place to pay off all the gambling debt, and have just opened a new account with a bank called Monzo which includes facilities aimed at gambling addicts. I am getting my pay put into this bank account now, and each payday I will have a standing order that goes out to my current account, from which all rent, bills and DMP payments will be made. The card for this account will be cut up. The remainder of my money will stay in my Monzo account, which will be subject to restrictions put in place by myself. Some of the restrictions they offer are cash withdrawal limits, and blocks to all online gambling merchants which I think is really good.

I'm sort of in the phase now, where i'm looking back and just thinking why. Why did I do that. Why did I do all those things I did. I'll keep this updated every few days.

Glad your still clean Lando.

Sometimes its only when you write things down, that you realise you abnormal your gambling behaviour can be.

Congratulations on your 30 days gf! The steps you have taken are fantastic. Very similar to the steps I have also taken. I’m day 31. Wishing you the best of luck of this journey.

Sarah

Morning everyone, thanks for the comments K2 and Sarah, congratulations to you too, we're at similar stages along our journey so I can definitely relate to what you're going through, and I wish you all the best too 🙂

Checking in day 34 today. Still going strong, the urges over the last few days have been coming in a bit stronger. I've been thinking about playing the pub fruits again but I've got notes in my flat that i've written out, reminding me of the exact thought process I've gone through every time and how it's always resulted in the same thing. Reading this over helps me rationalise, and I find i'm dismissing the urges very well. I think the novel, fresh feeling of not gambling is starting to wear off a bit and it's sort of being replaced with fear and anxiety that i'll go back there. The journey ahead seems monsterous, 2 1/2 years until my debt is clear but i've just got to get on with it and fritter away one month at a time.

I've got tomorrow booked off work to go to a wedding, and the day after is my mum's birthday. I was able to get her a present without having to come up with some nonsense excuse, I've got money for drinks at the celebrations, and i've paid for the hotel. To be honest it's an amazing feeling after the last 4 years of making excuses and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I'm hoping my family and friends who i'll be seeing over the weekend will be able to notice the change in my personality, as I can certainly feel it already. The coming weekend was the first major milestone I set out for myself when I started this journey.

Still feeling positive. After the weekend, I'll be starting a new healthy eating and gym routine. I'll drop back in monday with an update.

Cheers everyone, and good luck on your journeys. I'm always here to talk if anyone needs to.

Day 38 today. Had a good weekend at the wedding, drunk a lot. Drinking seems to make me feel incredibly depressed for a few days afterwards now. I put my depression/anxiety down to gambling but I don't really feel like it's started to subside at all even now i'm 38 days gamble free. I'm hoping i'll start to feel a bit better soon. In the mean time, i'm going to continue to focus on keeping away from gambling. I seem to have come down with a cold/flu over the last couple of days too, so haven't been out to the gym because of that. I'll see how i'm feeling later this evening and try and go.

Cheers all, I'll update again in a few days.

Hi lando92

thanks for your comment on my diary. Congratulations on staying gf. I've just read your diary and it sounds to me that you are doing great. You must be proud of what you have achieved so far.

I think that often depression/anxiety has its roots in something else and gambling just makes it worse, so it might be worth exploring things with a counsellor? I've really benefitted from counselling in the past and am going to try and arrange some more soon.

Have you been on the 'chat'? I haven't been on there for a couple of days, but can't remember seeing you there.

Hope that you shake off the cold/flu soon. Take care, Stu