Jer's recovery diary, 2nd attempt

Thanks for posting brokensoul! Happy to be back here. Yea just need to stay on track even when it feels hard...

I'll call this day 2 since it was technically Monday when I did my last bet so Tuesday was first whole day without gambling. Actually been having some urges today even when I thought I wouldn't be getting them so soon. That stupid feeling when my brain just tries to tell me "You can't do it so why don't go bet already?!". But I guess the important thing is that I'm not gonna do it and instead came here. Also thought I could do little online shopping today which I haven't done in a while. Nothing big but I think it could be helpful to buy something nice for myself at this point and see what I can do with money other than gambling.

Too tired to write longer post, guess nap would be good idea too... Back later!

Day 3 and some pretty bad urges today. Had some half remembered dream about gambling and winning money. And since I woke up my brain is constantly trying to tell me why not gamble for real and win for real. But how about not to gamble for real and and not to lose for real.

So despite these urges I'm not going to gamble today. Or tomorrow but one day at time. It's just d**n scary how strong this addiction is even when I'm very determined to stay gamble-free. Hopefully this gets bit easier soon and I really need to find some cures for boredom too. Lot of free time now until Sunday so need to think of something to fill that. Got some unfinished ps3 games and movies to watch so that's a good start I guess...Or maybe even better start is to finally do the dishes...

Helped a bit already to write this stuff down. Back later!

Day 7 and last days have been pretty good. Almost no urges but still some very boring moments during free-time. This week is not so hard with studies but exams coming next week and also other stuff to keep me busy. But the most important thing is that I'm not gonna gamble today. Over and out.

congrats on your days and time much better spent studying. keep build your future instead of foolish bets that take it away. stay strong

Thanks again for posting brokensoul. It's been a while since my last entry but still totally gamble free for 3 weeks. When I look back at these last couple of weeks it seems like time has flied and not much urges because of that...until today.

It's not surprise really since today is first time in really long time when I could just sit back and relax. Nothing important to do before holidays (except some shopping for Christmas) and I have just been watching TV, had couple of beers and doing nothing. Perfect time for urges to hit. Just realized I was d**n bored and while I was checking what football games are on tonight I found myself wondering about betting. Suddenly I just "knew" how all of those games are going to end and felt I "have to" bet because it can't go wrong this time. I was playing with the thought for maybe a minute and then after letting some sense back to my head I promised myself I won't bet today and decided to go outside instead. Walked for half an hour and came back with clearer thoughts.

After all making that bet wasn't really close since I have some blocks in place but this was first time during these 3 weeks when I really considered it even if just for a minute. That's what scared me and made me feel really angry for this sh**** addiction once again. And for some reason I feel really guilty about that urge and about that I considered betting...even though I know I made the right decision and even though I have been gamble-free for 3 weeks which is great.

Guess I just have to accept the fact that those urges will come back again and again and just make sure I don't fall for those... One day at a time, one day at a time and one day at a time... Now off to watch some movie.

Been a while again but haven't really felt writing anything when I can't come up with anything to say. Been around reading though. But now I just have to say I'm feeling really good, 5 weeks totally gamble free, not even much urges after that last post and when I get them I will fight them like I did last time!

It's been great Holidays, nice Christmas with family and maybe the best New Years party ever with my friends! Even met nice girl which I couldn't even have dreamed about couple of months ago! I don't know if it's gonna lead to anything serious but it's still been good and makes me feel more hopeful than in long time. And makes me feel more than ever that I really don't want to gamble. When I look at it these last weeks now and those months in last 2 years when I been totally gamble free, have been maybe best times of my adult life. When I don't gamble studies go well and I get good grades. It's very stressful at times but facing that stress and not drowning it in gambling is what makes me stronger. Also I get my confidence back, I'm more open with my friends and get to know new people better etc. So many things no amount of money can buy! And what to I need money for anyway? I always had enough to pay rent and buy food and even buy most of the little things I want. I have realized more and more that I really don't need or even want more than that. Of course it would be nice to have more extra money but it still wouldn't make me happy. It is this normal little things that make me happy. Being with family, being with friends, playing football with my teammates and sometimes even being alone, doing nothing and just watching some movies. And just living day by day and not always worrying about next week or next month.

So looking forward for 2013! It won't be easy year but at least I feel ready to face it. And everyone just remember that things WILL get better when you stop gambling. I have doubted that myself sometimes but it simply is true. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it.

Just have to add entry now even though I'm not sure if I feel like writing anything. I feel like s*** at the moment. Not because of gambling if that's worth anything. I still haven't gambled at all for almost 7 weeks. That's why I really need to write this down because I could make this feeling perfect excuse to gamble the pain away. But I will not and I'm surprised really that I don't even want to. Some sense and rational thinking left, at least, even time like this when it seems nothing really matters.

And why I feel this way? Women of course. That girl I mentioned in last post. We had couple of great nights and I really thought this time someone was as interested in me as I was in her. I think she made it even pretty clear and that's why I let my hopes too high when I knew I shouldn't have ...because the fall back always hurts like hell and this time more than ever. Mostly because 3-4 weeks ago I was totally okay being alone. Of course I wanted to have a girlfriend but I wasn't looking for one and I thought being single is not so bad after all. Then by some miraculous chance I meet this nicest girl, who makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long time towards anyone. And then last time we met the same thing happened as always before. She made it pretty clear she just want us to be friends.

She didn't say it straight but if I understand anything about women I'm pretty sure that's what it was by the way she acted all night. The thing is I really don't understand anything about women and that's why I still have some glimpse of hope left that she could still be interested. But that makes me just more sad, because I know this will hurt so much more if and when that glimpse will be gone too.

So yeah...sorry about this ramble if someone actually read it. Just needed to write this. Over and out and gamble-free even though it doesn't matter... but it still kinda does.

Yeah relationships can suck and that's why It's best not to read to much into them for the first few months or more. Guess it takes a bit to really get to know someone and better to kinda just be laid back and not put to much thought into it. If It's meant to happen it will I guess.

Congrats on your days.

Very bad day again. Guess I should feel happy that today I hit 7 weeks mark gamble free but I don't really care. I know it's good thing and still not even slightest urge to gamble which I'm thankful for. I feel low enough now and I can't even imagine how deep in despair I would sink if I added gambling to the mix.

Yep brokensoul (and thanks again for posting), I knew I shouldn't have got so overwhelmed and I was constantly trying to tell myself to relax and just be calm about it. But I couldn't and my feelings got too strong too fast. And I just made it worse yesterday by sending this girl couple of messages and she didn't answer anything. Which is more painful than any answer would have been because now I just sit here thinking is she gonna answer something later or not. And not knowing what she really thinks about me at the moment. Then I made it more worse yesterday evening by going to local pub and got drunk. Wouldn't have done it alone but some of my friends were there so it was easy way out for a while. And no school today so I thought why not. This hangover is probably why not lol. Well too late now. Luckily not so bad since I got home early and slept for 10 hours but still at least 1/3 of this cr** feeling is because of those beers and it doesn't make this day any easier. Also not much need to go to uni this week since lot of lectures got cancelled. 2-4 hours tomorrow and again day off Wednesday which isn't too good at this state because I could use something to occupy myself. Guess for today my plan is to take a shower, go grab something to eat and have a long walk or something.

And yeah not much of a gambling related stuff there and probably wrong place for this kind of stuff and probably sounds childish. But writing here makes me feel at least bit better. And time for that shower now.

Well Hell boy your young and got plenty of time for them girls to mess with your life. LOL good time now to keep that nose to the books and just ace all that studying. Looks like your trying to build yourself a good future and probably be a easier thing to do without women troubles while your in school. Guess ya already know how we girls can mess with your head. LOL just chill and enjoy that schooling so ya don't have to work like a dog like me to earn that pay check. Plenty of time for girls later. Congrats on staying clean.

Once again thanks for posting brokensoul 🙂 Been a while again since my last entry. What a rambles those last posts of mine were and been really rollercoaster month emotionally. So yeah, girls really can mess with my head lol. But the best thing is that things are looking good again with that girl. We both had some pretty bad misunderstandings and turns out she still really likes me and wants to be more than friends. But we are gonna take it slow now and I feel much more balanced about all of this now. Like with no gambling, one day at a time and we see each other every now and then when it's okay for both of us. Hopefully this leads to something greater but can't really stress or think about that too much.

Anyways enough of that, most important reason I'm adding an entry is that I had some minor urges to gamble lately. It's really weird, I didn't had any urges when I felt totally down and now when I feel much better I get first real urges in a long time. Guess it could be because I had to spend lot of money lately. Feels like every d**n thing breaks same time and have to buy new ones and d**n bills and everything too lol. And really should try to get some proper job for summer which is kinda stressful. But yeah, almost 10 weeks gamble free now and no intentions to gamble. I just hate when these urges hit after long time but it's good reminder really to always keep my guards up and spend some more time reading here.

And could post more often myself too. But over and out now.

Feels like good time to write something. Those urges I mentioned week ago are pretty much gone but I have still been thinking a lot about gambling lately, from recovery point of view.

I'm over 10 weeks gamble free now and I have been this far once before in 2011. But this time I feel different about it. When I was at this point before I felt safe and too confident so I didn't pay much attention to my recovery anymore. And when lot of stress piled up I found excuse to gamble and relapsed.

This time I'm more aware and my attitude is different. I'm not really counting days and I don't feel like I have achieved anything yet. Of course I'm proud of myself to get this far but I also feel that it doesn't really matter how long I have been gamble free as long as I stay gamble free today. And remember that today thing everyday. I can't say I'm too worried about relapse at this point but I still have that fear for gambling. I know I still couldn't and never will be able to control my gambling if I go back there. I mean maybe I could go and buy lottery ticket and walk away, but if I did that I know I would do it again later. And at some point that would lead to all the other forms of gambling and old habits. So cold turkey it still is like it has to be.

And another thing what is different this time is that I'm not ashamed at all to say that to my friends or family. I don't talk about it unless someone brings up the topic or ask me if I wan't to join their lottery coupon or something. But if that happens I make very clear where I stand and what I think of gambling industry, but of course I don't tell them what they should do. None of them are heavy gamblers and if they want to do occasional bets it's none of my business. And even though I hate gambling industry from bottom of my heart I'm not blaming it for my compulsion. Well maybe for some part I am but guess people here know what I mean. My point is just that for non-compulsive gamblers those occasional bets might be okay and do no harm so I'm definitely not preaching anyone about it.

Little longer post than I thought lol. But over and out now.

Time for entry again. Staying gamble free and no urges lately but feeling really annoyed and even angry right now.

Just one of these days after very busy and stressful week... now when everything I needed to finish is done I just feel empty and feel like I should have done everything better and faster. Even when I know I worked as hard as I possibly could with studies and everything for the past week it just feels like nothing is enough and everyone expects 2 or 3 times more from me. And feels like I haven't deserved to relax today even though I know I d**n well have deserved it. And it's kinda hard to relax too when feeling this way..

I guess I really should at least eat something now...not really in the mood to write anything more and only reason I came here to post this is that this kind of feeling has been trigger to gamble for me in the past. So really just reminding myself that gambling would make it all much worse and things aren't really too bad even if I feel like cr** right now.

well thanks for the post and glad to see ya been holding your own. guess the only thing i be holding is ice packs to my a-ss cause it really took a beating. lol

guess we all have them days where we feel everything we've done isnt enough. i think were harder on ourselves than others will ever be on us most days. and yeah thats ok too cause its that drive that will take ya where ya wanna be.

keep that nose to the books and your rewards will be far greater than any slot machine could give. oh yeah slot machines they dont give, lol if they do its a tempary loan they get back with lots of interest.

Jer,

Just read your entry from yesterday and it really struck a chord with me. Many of these diaries are filled with positive thinking - and a lot of stuff like 'wow, I've stopped gambling and feel so much better already'. Don't get me wrong - positivity is great, and it should be encouraged by everyone on here. The worrying/depressing thing, is when I'm successfully abstaining but still don't really feel any better. I'm about 2.5 months off a bet now, and progress seems so slow it's almost painful. And I totally get that the expectations (both from others, and myself) often just seem too much to handle.

But you know what... this is the nature of the beast. The easy thing would be to *** - to throw in the towel and have a punt. But you and I both know the further pain and misery this would bring. It's a difficult, up-hill slog - but you and I will both get there in the end.

Stay strong. Supporting you all the way

D123