Jer's recovery diary, 2nd attempt

Hear what you say about filling the void. It's not just about money.

In hindsight, for me, it wasn't just really about trying to make 'free money'. Well it probably was at the start and did continue to be up until I stopped- but to a far lesser extent. Increasingly it was an addiction to cheap stimulation- stimulation on tap. At times not even adrenalin fueled stimulation but just a way of zoning out.

Of course I say 'cheap stimulation' in the sense that the stimulation from gambling is transitory and of zero residual value. So, like you say, when you stop your suddenly left with a lot of time, time which would've been cheaply filled before. It's all very well saying take a new hobby, do a marathon, do volunteering. etc But of course that's harder to do in practice for various reasons.

I've found simpler comfort in stuff like catching up on TV series and films. Currently on fresh meat. (v funny). Or just reading a paper or listening to music. Simple pleasures I'd become disconnected from.

I also have a lot to thank this place for and although I feel in a pretty good place I want to keep posting regularly in case I forget where I've come from, what I am.

Cograts on 140 days BTW. Great effort

Hey Jer,

Much congrats on your continued abstinence. I think like card was saying and from what I learned in my group therapy class, this is the same as a chemical drug addiction. Well there have been studies done and I will be watching a movie in my group class in a couple weeks that show the effects of C*****e and gambling in the wiring of the brain. And using C*****e and gambling releases the same amount of endorphins on the brain, so you get the same high. I believe that's why it takes a long time for your wiring in your brain to heal back to normal once you stop gambling and remain abstinent. Not sure on the time frame, but I bet its awhile. Find some things to replace the time you have on your hands and that will help you along. Much congrats to you huge accomplishment!

Chicagoguy

Thanks guys. I ,too, really enjoy simpler comforts nowadays like watching tv-series, movies, playing games etc. I also take better care of my physical health and take more responsibility about my actions. I'm more socially active too than I was during gambling times. Not as much as I like though, because it's not easy to repair that social network I have neglected because of gambling. I mean I have lot of friends but not as many close ones as I could have if I had never gambled.

That said, I know I could and have to fill my free and boring moments even better. But I guess the real problem is that filling the free time and filling the void gambling leaves are not always the same thing. Even though I enjoy all the other stuff much more than I used to during gambling days some part of my brain still longs for that fast, and like you said cardhue, cheap stimulation. And that is something only strong addictive behavior can give you. I have never tried any hard drugs but I can easily believe what you said Chicagoguy. That gambling addiction affect the brain as much as C*****e.

But yeah, won't gamble today either. And even when I have never felt like planning or thinking anything too far ahead I just have to continue making those small right choices everyday. Like doing some exercises and try to be positive towards my friends and family. I know I don't succeed doing that everyday but can't be too hard on myself either. I have learned I just have to allow myself have those bad days too.

But I know those small choices add up and I guess it simply takes some more time to be able to really appreciate everything good I have now.

Too long since last entry again. Many parts of my life are again messed up real good and I can't say I enjoy where I am now. One big rollercoaster year 2013 so far...

But I can appreciate the fact that I'm feeling down for 'real' reasons and not because of gambling. Not really in the mood to be more specific. But just hit 150 days gamble free and for the first time I can really feel I have got pretty far from that last bet. Long way to go and one day at a time but at least at the moment I can't see myself going back there ever again.

This is interesting thing really what I have noted during these last months. Times like these when I feel down, lost and confused about everything else my determination to stay gamble free seems to be very strong. Maybe it's because now when I see lot of other things in negative way I can truly see gambling too as purely negative piece of s**t what it is. And that is something I have to think about and be careful when things get better. Because I think if I have any triggers to gamble nowaydays they lie on those good/high moments rather than these bad ones.

Realised I haven't posted in a while...again... but I still visit here much more often than I post myself. Just still not really in the writing mood.

Feeling neutral at the moment and kinda calm before storm feeling. Some things are still messed up but nothing I can do about any of them at the moment. Just waiting... and I'm surprised I feel this calm now because usually waiting is one of the things I hate most.

About gambling I can say I still have no urges and 160+ days clean now. And like I said last time I really feel there is no going back anymore. If I can stay clean this long, even when I had some very stressful and hard times during these months because of other things, I can get anywhere I want. But I will definitely be on my guard and keep visiting here and keep writing in this diary, if not regularly, at least every now and then. This time I have no intentions to just forget about this site and think I'm fine without it, no matter how long I have been gamble free.

Have a nice gamble free week everyone!

Hi Jer

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time outside of gambling. You're doing fantastically well hitting 160 in light of whatever you have going on.

I hit 100 days recently but things have generally been easy going for me. Hope I can also stay strong when other things aren't going so well.

Good luck

Thanks for your post cardhue and nice job getting to 100 days!

Nothing new to say about my part really but thought I could write something. Still just waiting to see how some things work out which is stressful and still none of them are up to me at the moment. Relationship stuff, studies, what I do in summer etc. Then again I know things could be much worse and all the basic things of my life are fine. But even when I know things aren't too bad it doesn't always make it any easier.

But staying gamble free and just have to take one day at a time with everything else too. Wish you all nice gamble free week!

Quick update and still nothing much new. Feeling bit better though and only one more exam left this week. Hopefully after that I can get some relaxing time and maybe other things works out too.

Still no proper job for summer but at least something for couple of weeks. That + some loan and I can pay my rents and food and can enjoy the summer. And to be honest that's exactly what I want now, just to get my mind off the studies and all the stress. Of course I can't afford to buy anything big but I don't really even need any new stuff right now.

175 days gamble free now so will be 6 months clean soon.

Just trying to enjoy what I have and not stress too much about the future.

Hey Jer,

Great job on your hard work in abstinence and your education. Your molding a great future for yourself, keep at it.

Chicagoguy

Hi Jer

Hope your exams are going OK. Must be a relief getting your final one out the way. I've got 3 of the b******s next week, each three hours long.

Roll on exam free summer!

Cheers

Thanks guys! I'm proud to say I have been 6 months gamble free now. Last week with exams and this weekend too was beyond stressful but today I feel simply relieved and relaxed. There are still couple of things that haven't worked out like I wished they would. But when all the other stress is gone I can deal with this current situation much easier. Lot of free time at hand now and I can just enjoy the summer.

I know there will be hard days ahead like there always will be but for now I just enjoy all the little things and be grateful for what I have. Wishing great gamble free summer for everyone!

Boring day and bit depressing mood compared to my last entry but nothing new really. 188 days gamble free but had some urges this week. No surprise since time after time they seem to hit after I got school stress and stuff off my shoulders. Just a lot of free time now so that unhealthy graving for quick and cheap stimulation kicks in much easier.

Important thing of course is that I have no intentions to gamble and I know those urges will pass every time. And again good reminder that this addiction is not really about money... I have no need for extra money at the moment and I don't need any new stuff. It's simply that some part of my brain wants to get to that "zone" where gambling used to take me, to pass the boring moments and drown negative feelings.

Was going to write more but getting really tired so that's it for now. One day at a time and trying to be patient about everything...

Rare for me nowadays to post so soon after last one but still been having some very boring days. Too much free and lonely time which always makes me think too much about things I shouldn't. Nothing gambling related and those urges are gone. I even think it was good to have those to remind me I have to always stay on guard.

It's just once again hard to be happy with what I have or give any credit to myself. Rationally I know my life is not bad, far from it, but there's been so many things going on during last months. And now when exams are over my mind goes back to all the other stuff... just thinking what I should have done better etc. I know should just let go, stay positive, and focus doing things better in the future. Some days it's just so d**n hard to think like that.

Once again just one day at a time and hopefully some good days ahead sooner rather than later. Football with friends today so at least should get my mind off the useless worrying.

Hi Jer,

Many thanks for popping into my diary earlier today. Your post was most welcome.

Many congratulations on 6 months without gambling. I will catch up with your diary when I have a bit more time.

Keep strong my friend

All the best

Ade

Well good to hear from ya there and how has school been going?

Far better being bored than dealing with all the grief gambling brings. Boy went on a bit of a binge last week that left me broke and smokeless. Hell guess its not the broke thats killing me either. Lol Yup a fine lover of them smokes I am. Sad thing is I knew ild be going cold turkey with them P***s and didnt care. Guess I could scrape up enough for a pack or 2 but figured I pulled it off this long I aint caving. Hell the first couple weeks are suppose fo be the worse after that the nicotine is history in your system and just dealing with the head thing then. So yeah im up for the challenge to break the 40 year itch I guess.

Hope all is good with ya and the studying part over for the summer. Guess here in the states college be out till September and this be summer break for most. Hope your getting some fun inand just plan old relaxing can do a person good.