Jordans Gambling Diary Day 5 - Initial Post and Recap

So where do I begin, Now sitting at 31 Years of age I have had a problem with gambling since turning 18. Initially betting on horses and football to becoming hooked on the FOB'Ts to then online casinos etc etc.

Having been on this journey for the past 10 Years I will recap an overview of my gambling habits and tendencies over that time. While Initially gambling came to the forefront during my time at University I was struggling with gambling addiction since my 18th birthday betting away all of my Savings and earnings on the FOB'TS week in and week out I would gamble everything until I had nothing left at that point I would then seek out PayDay Loans to see me through until the next pay check continuously being in the same circle. 

Fast forward to attending University, I thought this would enable me to focus on my studies and park gambling to the side however now at University and having access to student loans / Bank Account Overdrafts and monthly pay checks this seen my gambling increase significantly. I found myself continuously secluding myself away from my friends to gamble and whenever social events would come up I would tell my friends I don't feel very well when in reality I had gambled away all of my money so had no funds for social activities. At this point this was the last thing on my mind, getting through the day to day of studying while maintaining this addiction really was impacting my mental health quite significantly. Looking back I can recall several times wanting to end it all. 

I would often tell myself It's just a losing streak I'm going through and I'll get that 'Big Win' and pay off all the debts and pay myself out of trouble so to speak. I do vividly recall a time I was able to win I had a 6 fold that came in on the football and thought I was on top of the world I even sent the money to my dad to buy me a car I had been after for sometime. Within a month of purchasing the car I fell back deeper into my gambling habits and sold it for a fraction of the price I purchased it for and within a week all of the money had gone. This is just one story of many I can recall several intense online roulette sessions that would see me win and lose 5 figures within the same day. The feeling of winning BIG and then losing it within the same 24hours is one that I can still taste in my mouth to this very day.

During University I began to attend Gamblers Anonymous which was a surreal moment being in a room with fellow addicts who could relate to everything I'm going through. I found GA to be an incredible experience and it was definitely a key element which aloud me to start my non gambling days having reached various milestones such as 30 days, 90 days right up to 1 year. 

It was only when I left my university town to start my working life in the field I had studied at uni the problems really began to creep in again. During recovery It's extremely easy to become complacent and feeling like 'I've beaten it' but the reality is you'll never beat the addiction you're simply in recovery and should treat it like so. Fast forward to 12 months living in London working in my 'Dream Job' I had started to pick up gambling again during my work lunches I would pop into the local Bookies 'Just a couple of spins' 100s soon turned to 1,000s and this became a daily occurrence for months before I hit rock bottom and could longer sustain the day to day gambling. 

By this point I had taken out 1,000s in loans and gambled away all of my savings and even began to sell any items I had off value such as Phones/Laptops/Games Consoles you name it anything I could get money from the local pawn shop. Which always came with 'I'll buy it back next time I'm paid' to this day not one single item I pawned over the years did I ever buy back. 

So at this point of hitting rock bottom after abstaining from gambling for a couple of years It became clear I had to tell my family and employer of my issues to which they were all extremely supportive but nothing will ever amount to the guilt and pain I felt when I seen my mum crying her eyes out while telling her the position I'm in and the truths of my addiction. It was at this time my parents bailed me out for the first time buying me a months worth of food and paying my rent I was able to continue working. My employer even linked me with an organisation that would then put me in touch with a therapist and it was at this time I began seeing a therapist for the first time nestled upon the infamous 'Harley Street' I can recall this being an absolute game changer and a surreal experience it was like I was living my own movie of addiction going through the stages getting more and more severe at each hurdle. 

Therapy during this time absolutely saved me and I was able to rack up a couple of years of being gamble free I even got the point I would be resentful paying 150 pounds a session and began to change them from every week to every month. Fast forward a few months later I had moved to a new company with a big promotion which came with a huge increase in salary and I continued working hard and abstaining from gambling and seeing a therapist to keep on top of my gambling.

Several months into this new role I would go in to the office and would just stare at my screen for hours feeling incredibly lost and not function I was literally unable to do anything this sudden drastic feelings that swamped me day to day lead to me quitting the job and I came up with the Idea of travelling to Australia and start a working holiday. I had always been obsessed with travelling and seeing new countries so the idea of this really dragged me through the other side, fortunately by this time I had been able to save sufficient money to start my travels so with this in hand and a final session with my therapist I had booked my flights and was due to fly out to Australia the following week. 

2 days later the covid outbreak took over the entire world and my flights were cancelled which swiftly lead to the UK being put in lockdown. At this point I had just quit my job and gave up my flat and sold all of my excess possessions. At this point I had no choice but to return to my Family Home 2 hours out of London, I was absolutely distraught and had no idea what was next or how I was going to survive given the Industry I work in was shut off to the entire world.

So after a few weeks of doing nothing and sitting in my own self pitty I decided I should get any job I could and at that point I started working at an Amazon Fulfilment Centre which to this day is by far the worse Job I've ever had it was incredibly mine numbing but it was something that would fill the time and put some money in my pocket. I was unable to last more than 2 weeks at amazon and decided to look for another 'Key Work' job where I was able to start work as a support worker which is something I had done during my time at university and felt incredibly rewarding. 

During this job I ended up falling in love with a co worker to which we ended up getting our own cottage and living together and it had felt all was looking up. Given the conflict of interest of us working together I decided to quit the support job and focus on building my online business during this time we were still coming through the other side of covid so everything was still very much online and I was very well off financially having not spent any money on gambling for a good few years.

This worked great for the first 6 months but then I began to get that feeling of missing out on Australia and became obsessed with the idea of travelling their and fulfilling my plans it was at this point I began to get distant From my partner as this was very much a solo mission I had planned months before meeting her. At this point I began to do anything I could to not spend time with her given she would work 24hour shifts I would not see her for days at a time so I would make sure I was out when she came back and it was at this point I began gambling again as I had time to fill I would find myself initially just going into the bookies with a couple of hundred quid which became a daily occurrence but due to my financial position at this time I was very easily able to hide this from my partner.

Over the next few months my gambling became more and more. So rather than hundreds I began to bet thousands up and down for months fortunately during this time I had made some great investments and was financially still way above water even with the compulsive gambling. The gambling continued right up until the week I was due to flight out of the UK to Australia. I had told myself this was it the time for the adventure I had been waiting so long for and I'll never gamble again....

6 months into my Australian adventure which had honestly been the best 6 months of my life where I was able to have some of the most amazing experiences from Bungee Jumps to SkyDives you name it, I did it all and then some. It was only when my time in Australia was about to take a drastic change into having to work again and begin a 'normal job' as funds had started to run short I ended up finding myself in a casino betting hundreds of dollars in the hope this will get me through again back in to the awful cycle of working and then gambling all of my earnings. I noticed the pattern I had fell into again and moved out of the town were the casino was based and was able to lock myself off and concentrate on working and building worth once again this would be the case for the next 6 months but once back in a major city I would be in the casino yet again wasting away all of the earnings I had just spent the last 6 months making.

After being at rock bottom again thousands of miles from home I find myself making the decision to never work in a major city again which has access to a casino and ended up working in a remote location where I was able to abstain and focus purely on working and saving. However once the job had finished 6 months on  I found myself wanting more given my extensive studying and experience in the UK I wanted to work in the same industry, fortunately I was able to find practically the identical job to which I had in the UK which was paid sufficiently more given Australia being the highest paid country in the world and I was over the moon. 

Fast foward a couple of months later in post I had made promises to travel back to the UK for a couple of friends weddings when asking for approval for leave I was refused to which I decided to go anyway given the promise was to friends and family and by this point I hadn't seen them for over 2 months I was fully aware this would mean me losing this Job I had worked so hard to attain but I thought I would easily be able to attain a new one on my return. Once flying back to the UK I had found myself with nothing to do and having nothing but time on my hands I found myself back gambling at these crypto casinos during this time I was also in them mist of planning a big trip with friends which I handled all of the finances for given my logistics background group holidays would always be planned by me. Within the first few weeks back in the UK I had found myself in depression and gambling thousands daily to which I had got to the point I had lost every single penny I had in savings I then turned to selling the remaining of my assets which I had an extensive Pokemon collection from my covid investment days I began to sell of bit by bit of the coming days which only went straight to gambling. At this point I had nothing left and was being sent the funds from my group holiday and at this point I began something I had never done before, I used my friends money to gamble to which I lost every single penny to the sum of around 11k all in. 

2 weeks later I had to return to Australia knowing I had gambled every penny I had with the addition of my friends holiday money. I was fortunate enough to have a friend who I opened up to about what had happened and they were kind enough to feed and house me while I began picking up the pieces of the awful mess I had made. Few weeks on I was able to attain a job at an extremely remote location meaning I would be able to lock myself away and focus on paying all of the debt off and climbing out of this addiction once again. This time things felt different given the circumstances it really felt as if my last shot fortunately I was able to Sitk it out for several months and pay off every single penny by late 2024.

After a holiday for myself given all I had achieved I found myself a new job in a mining town again an extremely remote location that I was able to work hard but little did I know the mining towns in Australia are rifle with Gambling by ways such as 'Pokies, Tab & Keno' which are essentially slot machines and horse betting within a few weeks I had found myself dabbling a few dollars here and there on the slot machines before I knew it I was emptying my bank account to play these machines and living from pay to pay check in the same cycle. This continues for a couple of months before I ended up quitting the role as I knew I needed to get out of the town but at this point I had no money so needed to find a job instantly which lead me to a different part of Australia which again was a remote location the only difference with this role is that I was the only 'Backpacker' there which lead to me being extremely secluded and felt like I had no one or anything and it was at this point I turned back. I had opened a new account and began to gamble away my weekly pay checks the minute it hit my bank account I would deposit it ALL straight in to the online casino and lose it whiten 10-15 minutes this became a habit for the past 4 weeks.

During this Time I was supposed to be planning a holiday with friends to Asia but I had come to the realisation I wasn't going to be able to afford it and given my role as the 'Holiday Planner' I had friends send me money for accommodation which I then gambled once again much like what I did the previous year and yes you guessed it I lost the LOT it was at this point I then began to ask family to lend me money which they did so I was able to cover the day to day cracks but it highlighted to me I can't keep doing this same thing over and over and came up with the plan of obtaining a 'Proper' remote job once again that would be high paid and allow me to focus on a) Repaying all my friends and family b) Quitting gambling once and for all.

This leads me right to this very day where I have now started a new role and I'm day 5 of being gamble free, right now this is the lowest I have ever been with negative funds across all my bank accounts and owing friends and family 1,000s I have calculated I'll be out of the financial hole within 4 weeks but this day by day feeling is horrendous. With gambling It's an instant fix and as a compulsive gambler I have a tendency I want things fixed instantly and I have no patience but the reality is to 'Fix' this situation It's going to be Weeks/Months/Years to get to where I need to be. Having had various stints of being gamble free over the past 10 years I'm well aware of what's required and take full responsibility for my actions.

The idea behind these diary posts is to keep me accountable and on track of my recovery. I also want it to act as a reference point for future me when looking back thinking 'I've done it' etc etc. I'm well aware I'll be an addict for the rest of my life and I'm only ever 1 bet away from a relapse. 

I think It's immensely important to be transparent and honest with oneself during the process. I currently have 4 months left on my Visa before I need to leave Australia or seek sponsorship which is definitely attainable from my current employer so I want to use this space as my focus point and document the entire journey of where I'm currently at and be 100% transparent in the paths that gambling can lead you down. Being complacent has been my biggest downfalls and for each relapse I have learned a new lesson which I'll look to apply this time during my recovery. 

It's weird that with each relapse and gambling abuse I no longer get mad or angry I now sit with it and accept what's happened and look at a way of forming a plan to ensure It doesn't happen again. 

With this final stint I'm well aware if it doesn't work this time I can't afford to ever have that first bet again as the history documents perfectly what gambling does to me. 

With that I'll sign of this first post with how grateful I am to still be here today and have my head in the right place that is focusing on recovery. Having just started a new role will only support the process and It's just the start of this next chapter. 

My name is Jordan and I'm a compulsive gambler, my last bet was 27th February 2025