Killing the Zombie

Hey Card,

Great job on the abstinence! I've had those dreams also, look at it as your now able to rationalize there will be consequences for placing a bet, as before when we were in the grips of our addiction, we didn't care about consequences of our actions. Your making great progress, be proud my friend.

chicagoguy

Hi cardhue

Thank u so much for that last post and the fantastic advice u gave me , the plan was always to write them after booked an appointment for next week as well goin to hand my letter in then whilst discussing my whole divorce case , will let u know on that front

Nothin makes me happier than seeing people abstain from gambling and ur doin brilliant , be proud of urself its not an easy change to make , full credit to u

Castle2

Thanks Castle

I've made it to my 4th pay- day- to- pay- day, thus obliterating my previous abstinence record of, erm, 'a month'. Brought down my debt by by quite a bit, still a long way to go but reassured that I am saving a lot and the money isn't being absorbed by other stuff really. Yes folks, its true, you save a lot of money by not gambling.

Been studying all day and night, checking in and reading other diaries but not really having the creative energy to post. Studying law really saps any spark out of you. Still only 10 days until main exams are over. Oh also moving house this Saturday. Rent goes down from £700 (for a damp hole built for dwarves) to £350 (for a nice bedroom in a non-damp house but with no sitting room). *** London

Great job staying gamble free and wishing you good luck with exams this week! I know how stressful it can be and moving house at the same time I can only imagine how much energy all that takes.

You are spot on, hence the human cost my story is 11 pages long in places its like ripping yarns in others its a bloody tragedy, this goes out everywhere, my MP is taking it to the house, I won't let this go.. I don't want anyone else suffering like me,

I have been a fool E we vote them in, E we eject them, I want my Government to listen to me, The Daily Mail, Panorama, Despatches all showing interest at somepoint every Goliath finds a David, this angle is the human cost,

Thanks for your interest,

Haven't posted in ages. Exams ended up being a bit of a disaster. Thought a question hadn't come up but later found out it did, just very well disguised. Hope I didn't fail that one. Will find out next month.

Still not gambling and I think it's been 20 weeks now. According to Feb she passed 141 days recently so I'm around that as we quit at the same time. Cinema tonight, tennis tomorrow, drinks in the evening. No gambling that's for sure

Cardhue,

Just wanted to say thanks for the input on my diary, and well done on 20 weeks gamble-free. No mean feat.

From reading your posts previously, I think you and I both fall into that category of being able to abstain relatively easily in the short-term, then slipping up at some point along the line. I'm certainly trying to up my resolve, and keeping complacency at bay. Keep reminding yourself of how bad things were when you last slipped up; sounds like you too were in a pretty desperate place financially.

Try not to sweat over that exam question either... Bit of a worn-old cliche, but 'what's done is done' and there's nothing you can do about it now.

All the best mate

D123

I think I mentioned a bit in my opener about my gambling progression. Broadly speaking this was fruit machines followed by online slots/supplemented by FMs.

I've just followed a trail leading to Diceman's opener (thanks) and it inspired me to look back in more depth at w*f brought me to the situation I was in last Jan, where I'd spent about £120k since I was 19 on gambling. I'm now 35 years old.

I think D123 commented that we were similar in that we could go a long time without gambling and then, bang! Actually.. this is not at all the case with me. I reckon that my pattern of betting was pretty consistent over the 16 odd years. Gamble for 3/4 days after pay day, brief respite of a day taking stock, recalibrate/calculate, have a second wave, take stock (head in hands), then maybe a lull for a few days before one final 'push'/ fail, and then last 2 weeks gamble free. These 2 weeks I'd have no money but actually try and sort my life out, get some steel, resolve.

I can remember from a very young age, maybe around 7/8 going to a motorway station on route down south and my dad putting in a penny/whatever and me pressing the buttons and winning. I can't imagine my dad having ever done that but I'm sure he did.

That was it. Until university when a rich, foreign, flat mate of mine first put some money into a fruit machine. It was partially skill based and it seemed like there was a route to success through 'skill' (timing of pushing the buttons). At this point I was going out with my first real g/f and in my second or third year of uni. I had no obvious problem at this point.

I remember a year after uni though, my ex coming up to my folks and me making her go to random pubs to play on particular FMs. Looking back, by now, I was obviously addicted. At this point I think I was 22. That time, taking her to pubs to play FMs was the last time I gambled willingly in front of people I know. After this I went off camera, the sharks fin descended under water never to be seen again.

I remember moving back to where I went to uni - still with my GF, but now I was sneaking around. I would either be in arcades or I'd just walk into pubs (head bowed), straight to the FM. Always felt self conscious walking in - these weren't pubs I was drinking in of course - that would be too shameful. But I'd still be wary of strangers' eyes on me. Soon as I got a few coins/notes in though I'd get a bit of Dutch courage, enough to give a few evils to anyone staring.

I remember about 7 years into 'it', working with a quite posh guy who'd turned to dealing drugs small time, I suspect partly because he liked the idea of dealing. We got chatting about playing FMs - this was probably the only guy I chatted to about playing FMs. He said that it wasn't really about winning and it was about the rhythm of putting the money into the slot. I don't really get that rhythm thing to this day, but I do know he was WAY ahead of me in terms of seeing the thing for what I see it now, ienot about winning but about comfort. At that point I think I just felt pretty awkward about the convo and was probably trying to justify myself somehow.

I remember being around 27 and going traveling for a year. Bought a 'round the world ticket' starting off in South East Asia. I wouldn't say I was 'escaping' my (unacknowledged) gambling problem but I think even then this was a positive spin off. Had a great time in Thailand and Laos, before heading into Sydney. Little did I know I'd entered some higher plane of gambling. Jeez, anyone who's been there will no what I mean when I say it's like a red rag to a bull. Especially someone who's not really come to terms with things - its got the latest machines, with high spec graphics. I remember once in Chinatown hitting some unheard of sequence. Loads of Chinese guys started running over as the bell sirenned, only to look at me in contempt as I'd been spinning my last 5c and "only" won $100.

Since then until now my life was essentially punctured by gambling. My life was not/hasn't been really ruined though. When I started posting on here I felt kind of unconfident in stating the true damage as there were people who had lost a lot more.

I chose the zombie username as this represents gambling for me. For the last 5 years I'd 'graduated' onto online slots - so much simpler with none of the shame! But even up until last January I was still doing the old 'half eye on the FM' thing, then succumbing, notes out.

The Zombie's the sneaking about into pubs to play fruit machines. It's being on my own on the laptop, spin after spin after spin until 5 in the morning, chain smoking. It's the simple act of escapism which in a sense shouldn't be so bad. But it is.

Since I stopped I can honestly say I haven't had any urges. I don't relate to people when they say they have had strong urges (often in form of sweating). I tried and failed to stop smoking at the same time - then I had urges, without doubt. I don't wish to do anyone down - people say recovery is bespoke, well as true as that is then so is addiction itself. I didn't have the guts/self awareness to bother stopping for 16 years so clearly I'm no better than a person whose tried and failed - at least they tried and probably learnt something.

I guess for the last year I was subconsciously building up to stopping. I'd started keeping a tally of how much I was spending from about September last year. Thought I'd stopped in December only for some terrible binging which resuted in 2 pay day loans for 2 months running. It was on Jan 18th that I decided to close down all my accounts. I remember seeing a link to this site - my usual self was reluctant to follow it, thinking this would be somehow an extension of the industry.

But ever since posting that has been it. My isolation over the years was the main thing (dragging the ex to FMs was the last time I gambled 'openly', 12 years ago). I can only presume that being able to put down my thoughts made it clear I am a gambler, this was what my meandering life had led to.

I told my GF not long after. That's also been a good thing but that was not THE thing which swung it. It was definitely posting here.

Thanks

Posts are getting fewer and fewer. I guess that's not a bad thing. I just don't really have the urge to write about daily trials which are non gambling related. As gambling becomes less of an issue I suppose it's inevitable my posting would fade.

I still read a lot - out of habit but tend to just read for a few minutes then get a bit bored. No disrespect for any posters - most of whom I've got a lot of time for.

I suppose I'm having an internal dialogue over whether it's bad that I'm not posting so much. I really can't see myself gambling again in the near future. I still have the odd dream where I gamble. Recently had a dream within a dream - I thought I was fully in control of my actions and was overtaken by some rabid gambling and felt terrible afterwards.

I feel pretty confident that I've got gambling in its rightful place. I see it as purely a negative and don't really associate it as being a 'rush' even. I know I'd go straight back into it and be back to my furtive, zombie self. And the idea of undoing the good work I've put into reducing my overdraft is horrifying.

I guess I'll try to log post in at least once every couple of weeks and for 'special occasions'. A quick look at Feb's post tells me I've reached 150 days. Woo hooo.

d**n just wrote to your diary but apparently that post disappeared somewhere...

Anyways short version: Was saying thanks for posting on my diary couple of weeks ago, and I can really relate to your last post. My posting is not very regular anymore either, and all the other things you said there I can totally relate too.

Keep it up and hopefully exam-free summer is going fine!

Day 165

Things moving quite fast in my life. Got offered a job yesterday. Dreadful pay, especially at the start, 8k less than present job, which itself isn't great. But money aside it is a dream job. Gonna be a tough few years though.

I'm going to take the job as it's too good an opportunity to miss. Thank **** I stopped gambling last January. I've got my overdraft down by about £3,000 and paid off £1000 of my loan in that time. Without doing that I think I couldn't take this job - not whilst I was still paying interest etc on what was a £4,600 o/d and rising. That in itself is incredible and motivation enough for me to never gamble again. This is a major opening which is only available to me since stopping gambling.

Hope everyone's doing well

Day 170 - over 24 weeks now. Time has flown past since I stopped in January.

Well in some ways it has. In other ways my gambling days feel like a different era. I was exploring London today on bike and thinking how it's nice to be able to do pop into a pub for a drink being 99% sure you won't meet anyone you know. It's so anonymous here.

Got me thinking about sneaking around pubs in my fruit machine days. Always in fear that someone would spot me and ask what I was up to ( on my own at 2pm on a Saturday in a Sports Bar on my own).

Thinking a lot about money as my new job is going to be such a large drop in money. I'll still be better off now then if I'd been gambling. Crazily. Being a gambler for such a long time does really make you otherwise good with cash, at least.

Passed the 6 month mark last Friday as well as passing my 36th Bday the week before that.

Hope to be signing a contract on new house moving in with gf very soon . Landlord wanted the last 3 months bank statements. Thank god I'm not showing him statements from last Jan and before! Reckon the whole deal would be off straight away as he's quite a stickler for stuff like that-I'd be wary of someone £4.5k overdrawn with 100s flying out to the well known haunts.

Anyway, making the decision to stop has been absolutely brilliant and I've really never looked back since stopping. Personally I've found it straightforward to stop without any urges. Strange compared to many others' experiences, especially as I'd been gambling for 16 years persistently.

Everyone's different but hopefully I can show that for some people at least, stopping gambling is really quite easy to do. Of course stopping isn't a magic wand for all life's problems but there are clear benefits beyond money including a greater sense of confidence through not having the weight of shame around the neck.

Best wishes everyone.

Hi cardhue

Congrats reaching the 6 month mark! You are right there that quitting isn't necessarily so hard really. Or of course it might be, and of course everyone is different like you said. But at least for me too, it''s been pretty straightforward. Then again unlike you I have had some urges but staying gamble free has been very easy compared to many other things during these gamble free times.

I think the point is exactly that quitting gambling doesn't automatically bring any peace or comfort in life. It simply gives you the possibility to deal with other real life issues instead of drowning and blaming it all to gambling.

Keep it up!

Hi cardhue - great diary and really nice to read a positive story. I am at day 2 after what I feel is a massive epiphany - I think my situation is fairly similar to how yours was at the beginning so I very much hope to emulate you.

James