Rock bottom is an understatement...I was doing so well and boom, all fell apart 3 days ago.
I am so gutted & worried that I will never be free of this appalling affliction. This time it was a very big loss...money I had received in back payment that was due to me and also other money that I had saved slowly and steadily since the beginning of the year...I know in GA we don't usually mention figures but I'm talking almost 2k
I don't know which is worse, the feeling of being so stupid as to allow it to happen again, even though I know it's an addiction...or the loss of money that has left me broke and feeling helpless and such a failure because the things I wanted to do for me and my daughter & son and I can't do now. My kids have been great, they are young adults and very grounded and supportive. They understand and want to help...I confessed to my daughter what I had done, she had partly guessed though by my distressed demeanor. They don't care about the money and it was extra money saved so everybody's basic needs are still met and none of it was anyone else's money...but I still feel like s**t over the amount and the loss.
Just the whole starting over again also for what feels like the millionth time, it's like struggling and working so hard to build a model that takes so much work and effort and time etc..only to crush it to the ground and have to start all over again. Each time harder than before...
I have a massive fear of being broke, through a scarcity issue which left me in a terrible situation years ago..this led me to gamble and then the addiction kicked in. I know it's an escape now also and an anxiety/pressure reliever.
This time my boyfriend of almost 5 years pulled the plug on New Years Day..he is having mood problems and couldn't control them and his verbal abuse. He came back round and told me recently he was on meds and doing better and he wanted to see me. I had missed him so very much...I agreed to meet and we set it up only to have him discard me again just before, as I asked him some questions to reassure me on some issues and he felt we were going around in circles so he stepped back again. When I told him not to treat me like a puppet on a string he fired verbal abuse at me again, and that was him gone....
I went to the casino a few days later with the money which my daughter had been looking after for me. I told her I was going to deposit it in the Credit Union. While standing in the queue I turned around, left and went and sat at a machine in the casino until I had lost half and then built it up again only to lose it all except for a small amount.
Please someone tell me this will get better, I have been going to meetings and some times come out more drained than before I went in but I still go to the meetings. I've been having counselling but I feel totally rock bottom since my boyfriend split again. I've had a lot of issues over the years and the first time I ever set foot in a casino was when I had solar allergy and couldn't go in the light due to a medical prob...the casino was dark and safe and fun! Then I had a win and boom it was a way to make money I thought....
What a mess
I to also slipped yesterday and the day before , and am kinda now back at square one, feel also stupid and I am now thinking will I go back again in the future , I hope not , so basically im a little confused and poss feel as though I can not control my actions regarding gambling , I will try again and you must to , not that I know it all as I don't but maybe now while you don't at the moment feel like gambling , ask your children never to let you have your money or access to it without them being with you , also as I did yesterday self exclude from places where you were gambling , feel for you now and hope you and I can find true happiness which we both know exists without gambling, all the best simon
Thanks Simon....never felt this bad before, and believe me I've had bad days. It's the horrible dark place is the worst..think coz I'm battling on the relationship front too.
The ridiculous amount of money lost aswell and the pleasure that could have been got from that instead of loading it into a slot machine...devastated.
I wish you well and at least we are here which is a step in the right direction.
I am not on any online gaming sites and have self excluded from the casino. My daughter now has full charge of looking after my money so I know I put everything in place that I can to take steps not to gamble.
Getting my head right now is the main thing I think
All the best, Allanah.
Day 4 and I am looking at a whole new way to tackle this. I've realised the lack of routine in my life and the boredom definitely don't help.
I also know when I am here at home I want to gamble but when I would be away visiting my ex boyfriend in the UK I never wanted to...even though he lives near a seaside town full of arcades with slots.
I need to look at what I feel gambling has been helping me to escape from here...and also the high that winning money has been giving to me, and accept that those wins mean nothing even though they have happened quite often...because I am a compulsive gambler and I can't stop once I start.
A lovely person on here yesterday told me
'money can only do so much for you; you can only drink and eat so much in one day etc' this is true...I know my gambling is not just down to wanting money at this stage, it's also been a release for me..BUT I do have a big fear of being broke, the irony being that my fear is actually leaving me broke now anyway.
I find it so hard starting over for what feels like the millionth time and getting my finances in order again for the millionth time but I know that if I don't this disease is slowly killing me and destroying my head so I have no choice now but to accept that I can never gamble again. Acceptance for me is the key.
I am planning a routine at the moment to take me out of the bad habits and into good ones...as someone else once said to me, never underestimate the power of habit, both good and bad.
I want to stop thinking the only way to deal with my problems here is to escape to a casino and destroy myself even more.
Best of luck to all who are striving to fight this compulsion.
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