Learning to love myself

Thanks for the good wishes 38 years. Feeling very low at the moment,and dreading telling my girlfriend, who to be honest deserves so much better. Determined to sort myself out

Welcome to recovery HFB 🙂

Addiction has a way of encouraging us to become people we don't like so that it can offer us solace & keep us dependant! As my good friend Ade2 pointed out to me, we're not bad people, we just took a wrong turn. Your girlfriend will deserve better than someone who's giving themselves to addiction & by coming here & admitting that gambling has you beat, you are taking leaps in giving her a better version of you. A more focused & honest version that we can be when we are not being strangled by our addiction.

Good plans afoot to start recovery for real, I look forward to walking alongside you as you progress - ODAAT

Thank you for the welcome ODAAT.

Day 2 today, currently coming towards the end of a very quiet nightshift. Still feeling pretty low, not about the money lost, more disappointment with myself I suppose. I thankfully managed to stop before I completely emptied my bank account, so will just about be able to last the month. This has been an ever increasing scenario the past few years.

Going to speak to gamcare this afternoon and hopefully sort some counselling. Also going to join a gym and hopefully give myself a new focus. My online gambling has often been triggered by boredom, especially when at home, alone. Usually followed by some serious self loathing.

So GA meeting next Monday, counselling, being open and honest with the other half. All new and hopefully positive changes. I've realised I can't do this with just willpower (after several years deluding myself I could).

HFB

Ur bang on correct its really hard without blocks in place , blocks let u know it cant happen

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Hey there high flying bird just read your diary congrats on day 2. I know that feeling but try not to be hard on yourself. I found that the more i talk the better i feel. Ring gam care their great and ga is fantastic also. I know that look in the mirror but hang in there it will get better!! Tell ur loved ones too it might not be pretty but in a day ir two u will feel better and a weight off u for the honesty!!

Back on the lonely nightshift, I work on my own so have often sought company in the form of roulette while at work. Mad when you think about it. I've actually lost half my wages an hour or two after my wage being paid in at midnight!

Day 3 today, I've not had any urges per se, although I have been thinking about the subject and reading lots on here, which is helping.

I'm playing football the next three nights so that gives me something to look forward to outside the house. Will be attending my first GA meeting next Monday

Positive thinking
HFB

On a more light hearted note, I started watching game of thrones a little while ago. Bit late to the party as I'm only on series 3. Last night I watched the 'red wedding' episode. Bloody Nora!

Day 5 today

Finally after years of deceit, I told my other half everything tonight. She was very supportive and it really does feel like a weight off my shoulders. Every time I've tried to abstain in the past I've done it completely on my own which has been my downfall I believe.

So, from now on, she is going to be checking my online banking at least once a week (knowing this I'm hoping will make me think twice). First GA meeting next week too. Anyone give me some info on what it's like, as I'm a bit nervous about it. Feeling less down in the dumps and more positive at the minute

Onwards and upwards
HFB

highflyingbird wrote: Day 5 today Finally after years of deceit, I told my other half everything tonight. She was very supportive and it really does feel like a weight off my shoulders. Every time I've tried to abstain in the past I've done it completely on my own which has been my downfall I believe. So, from now on, she is going to be checking my online banking at least once a week (knowing this I'm hoping will make me think twice). First GA meeting next week too. Anyone give me some info on what it's like, as I'm a bit nervous about it. Feeling less down in the dumps and more positive at the minute Onwards and upwards HFB

Hi HFB

I attend GA meetings as one of my recovery tools. Meetings are compulsive gamblers supporting each other through a program of recovery. If your interested beforehand have a look at the GA site. Other than that you've started to put some good sharing in place and i'd say keep that up. Tri

Have a little app reminder on my phone which tells me the days since I gambled, this morning it says day 18. Not posted on here for a while, but have still been reading.

Feeling much better than a couple of weeks ago I must admit. Went to my first GA meeting which, although I was nervous beforehand, I found quite uplifting. Good to get things off my chest around people who truly understand.

Have had no temptations as yet, knowing I have the (online) barriers up and am self excluded from local bookies is a big help admittedly.

HFB

Not posted for a while, read all the sections of the forum every day though. Lots of inspiration I find.

So today is day 40. Longest I've gone without a roulette spin for a good four or five years probably. Feeling so much better than when I first posted. I've been finding the GA meetings very productive. Amazing what a difference being open and honest
makes.

HFB

First time I have logged in for months, although I do still read the forum. It says I havent gambled for 194 days, which is obviously great. My financial situation has improved no end. The blocks remain in place, and despite feeling down a few times, I've not been tempted to try and load up an online casino and play roulette (although I am self excluded from nearly all of them I imagine).

I think when I initially tried to stop I always assumed that if I simply abstained, my life would magically be better, fine and dandy. I suppose I've realised, and I've seen people say it on here, that the issues that drive the gambling addicition within me, remain. This is now what I'm trying to deal with, with the help of G.A. I'm quite anxious generally, lack self confidence and possibly have a bit of an inferiority complex which is probably what I sought escape from during my binges. I've wasted several opportunities work and education wise, and find myself stuck in a bit of a dead end job albeit reasonably well paid. I believe this disatisfaction with life and sense of underachievement is what drove me to seek escape.

Anyway bit of a ramble! I'm hoping to take the next step and deal with the issues in themselves, gambling being the symptom. It is certainly nice to be coming up to Christmas and not have massive financial stress for the first time in about ten years.

HFB