Let's see if this helps...

I guess I should also add that I don't like the fact that I am unable to stop playing online slots when I lose too.

I hate that I have such a problem that I needed to find a site such as this. I wish I could have an exercise compulsion instead of a gambling one.

However I am glad that I have found this site as I think that I need it! 😀

HI Veebee,

Welcome to the forum and well done on starting a diary and taking what can sometimes be the hardest step "Admitting you have a problem with gambling", it took me nearly 20 years to get to that point.

I like your list of facts heres some that I would add to my fact list and the things that i know to be true.

Facts that are trueI cant win, because I cant stop

The first sign of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I am a compulsive gambler and therefore I cant place 1 single penny on gambling.

I cant ever win the money back that i have lost it is gone and i have accepted that.

Facts that are true that i like

I can beat this addiction by taking it one day at a time.

I give myself a 100% payrise by not gambling

I can sleep at night .

I am now living an honest life with myself and my family.

I cant change the past but by making the right choice today I can change my future.

I could add lots and lots to this list and as you move away from gambling im sure your list will grow to.

You have come to the right place you wont be judged here, post on your diary and read lots of others.

Take care

Blondie

Hi Veebee

Thanks for posting on my diary. I read your intro and hoped you'd started your own diary so was glad to find out you have.

I also never liked the idea of having to get help and so thought that if I had a problem I could sort it on my own- then when it became apparent I was continuing gambling the next step would be to deny I had a problem which meant I didn't have to get help. Bloody self denial - would've saved a lot if I'd reached out sooner.

I like the fact you've spelt out clearly that you *know* you'll never win and what a con it is. In a way its obvious but you've got to really believe/accept its true. I read elsewhere the need to accept defeat on the gambling front and that felt true to me. The next bit is breaking the habit and getting used to filling up your time with non-gambling stuff - you've got your dancing so that's a good start.

At 35 I also don't, but should have, a car, mortgage, savings - but it's nowhere near being too late. I've already noticed how much money I've got having simply abstained for 16 days.

Good luck

Hi Veebee,

Well done for coming clean, it is a relief, but it will also be a bit of a struggle too. It is amazing how much better you feel when you can be honest with people who do not judge you. I don't know about you, but I can do all the negative judgement myself!

Put up the blocks, get you friend to put on a password you do not know and before you know it, you will be backing away.

Keep at it my friend, you are worth so much more than this, we all are.

Kitjxxxx

Blondie, cardhue and kitj thanks for reading and the support. I'm definitely negatively judging myself - bigtime! I shouldn't have got myself into this problem. Why struggle to get debt free only to take a massive step backwards by gambling again?!?! It doesn't make sense. I knew that when I did it but I couldn't stop. I knew when I got lucky and won enough to clear a bit of the debt that I should withdraw it and finally walk away. But I didn't stick to that, I found another site and repeated the pattern - I'm stupid and (thought it shames me to admit it) obviously greedy. Neither are great things to be.

Two main things have been on my mind lately:

1. I wish that I could be able to gamble under control once I've cleared my debts. I like the buzz of getting a bonus round and suddenly winning some money. However I realise that this probably won't be possible; if I have a few bets with aims of sticking to a money or time limit then I'll only be "one more go" away from ending up in this mess again.

2. Does this mean that I'll forever be a "recovering gambler" and if so who's ever going to want me as a partner or wife? I don't see how I'll ever be anything but single. I'm sure whatever I have going for me is cancelled out by the fact that if I gamble online there is a chance that I'll gamble out of control and lose a whole load of money again. Even if I never gamble again I still don't see how I'll be anything but single...whilst trying to clear my debts I won't have any spare money for dating or for contributing to costs once in a relationship. It just seems like I'm not a good catch. At the moment I've got a little put aside to pay the balance for the events I've committed to this year - dance events, a holiday and a festival. However, if by some long shot, I met someone at one of those I wouldn't have the spare money to pursue a relationship. If, by some even longer shot, I did end up in a relationship how could I keep the secret of my addiction from them? I don't think that I could or that I would want to; I'm an honest person and believe in complete honesty in relationships. But, if I told someone that I have (or by that point, hopefully had) this problem then why would they want to stay with me?

Anyone, this is day one for me of not gambling. I'd like to, but I won't. I'm guessing that I'm always going to want to but that with time it'll be easier to push those feelings aside and ignore them.

Right, now time to cook dinner.

Good luck and positive thoughts to everyone! 😀

Right, if I'm going to beat myself up over everything then I've decided that I'm also going to celebrate the small things. I can't change what I've lost in the past but I am happy that I can look at myself in the mirror tonight without shame or guilt because I have not gambled!!! 🙂

Goodnight and good luck all! 🙂

Right, if I'm going to beat myself up over everything then I've decided that I'm also going to celebrate the small things. I can't change what I've lost in the past but I am happy that I can look at myself in the mirror tonight without shame or guilt because I have not gambled!!! 🙂

Goodnight and good luck all! 🙂

Today, I really wish that I could log on and have one last bet and win back some losses to have a fresh start. I won't do that but you don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I talked myself in and out of it on the walk home from the train station.

Today has been yet another stressful day at work - that seems to be a trigger for me; I then want to go home and stare blankly at a screen hitting spin, hoping for the bonus to come in and for me to win big.

Tomorrow however is another day. It will probably be another stressful day at work but it is the night of my dance class. I didn't go the last two weeks which was stupid. The first week it was snowing and I'd had a stressful day at work and didn't feel like leaving the house again once I'd got in. I bought a subway sandwich on the way home (who wants to waste gambling time cooking?! - stupid, I know!) then sat at my computer repeatedly hitting spin. I hadn't deposited again initially, instead I reversed a withdrawal (STUPID!!!!) and used that. I was on that machine for hours but luckily I won it back and withdrew it again. As a new customer though they needed to verify my account and, when I rang that weekend to check why it was taking so long it turned out I given my incorrect date of birth. No matter, they verified me and all was fine. Although it meant that I still had to wait for the withdrawal to be authorised. That doesn't happen at weekends so I reversed it again and had another go. I lost it, so stupidly made another deposit...and still lost. I repeated that over a number of nights.

That then led to me missing the second week of my dance class as I was in such a state about what I'd done I rang my best mate in tears and admitted I had a problem. I felt better for speaking to her but couldn't face going out in public that night. I don't think I had any tea that night...felt sick over what I'd done and how stupid I was.

Today, I've had a bad day but have vented on here and will now go and cook some tea. Tomorrow I will go to my dance class. It makes sense - it's a form of stress relief to me. Yes, it'll cost me about £8 but after a stressful day at work it'll be good to be with friends, get and give hugs, have some laughs and lose myself in the joy of dancing and learning to improve my following or leading. It'll be good to let that occupy my mind instead of continually beating myself up over what I can't change.

I'm glad I found this forum. Whether people read/comment on my diary or not, it helps to write this and to be able to read it back. It helps me to read the diaries of others too.

Good luck to you all! 😀

Just a short one today. Work was still stressful but I left in time to get home and get ready to go out to my dance class. I had a great social evening with friends and didn't think about gambling once whilst there. Now off to bed happy.

Hope tomorrow is another gamble free day! 😀

Hi Veebee,

Your story sounds alot like mine. I'am addicted to the slots also. What you have to understand is that buzz we all get from a bonus round or a big win is a chemical reaction in our brain, it's a release of euphoria. The more I played the more my brain got wired to the slot machine high. My counselor told me it's the same rush a C*****e addict feels on the drug and the same low afterwards. That's why it's so hard for us to walk away from it. You start craving the euphoria feeling again once it wears off. I ended up enrolling myself in out-patient therapy and counseling. It has been a great help in reducing the urges you get. I would look into it in your area and see if they have something. My last day I gambled was Jan 7 2013. It's been hard but with the therapy and education on the disease I'am learning how to move forward with my life. Stay strong and believe in yourself, you can do it.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Hi Chicagoguy,

I wish I'd logged on here earlier and seen your post. I'm obviously not strong as I couldn't last more than 4 days and have just wasted a whole lot more money. Pathetic and stupid huh?! Thanks for your posts though.

I know, tomorrow is another day. Sadly it's another day that I start off with more debt. This site is about honesty right? Well if I'm honest I don't want to quit right now, I want to win back enough to break even and then quit.

Tomorrow I start again though. I can't change the losses. I can't erase the debt through gambling. However I can manage it and reduce it over time, IF I STAY AWAY FROM THE SLOTS!!!!!! I didn't even have the buzz of a bonus round, more it was the incredulity that I didn't get a bonus after all the money I put in. Thinking, surely it's coming on the next spin. The fool in me thinks "it must be due soon", why can't the wise girl in me who knows that I'm just throwing money away shout louder in my head.

I'm on holiday with my family from next Wednesday so as least then that'll be 12 days where I can't gamble.

Good luck to all those that are stronger than me and staying gamble free and good luck to all those back in my foolish position. I'm going to try to write in this daily again - it's better to say I want to gamble than to actually do it.

Veebee, please try and be kind to yourself. You are not stupid or pathetic but you must accept that you have an addiction which can only be controlled by not gambling. I'm now in my 9th non-gambling day and have to be honest that I miss the thrill of thinking there's a big win on the next spin but then I remind myself how hideous I feel when I ultimately lose the lot because I can't stop. I had planned to use £800 of this month's wages on debt but I lost that trying to clear past mistakes and have ended up needing to borrow £200 to see me to my next payday - no matter how strong the urge is to gamble I keep reminding myself that I don't want to live like this anymore.

It's not easy to give up a long term habit or to change the way you live your life and feel about yourself but I do find coming on here every day makes me more accountable and Iknow without it I would have gambled in the past week. Hopefully as the number of days gamble free increase the urges will subside. I recognize that I have an addiction and I must never gamble again - its not easy to accept but its the truth. I hope you find a path that leads you to a gamble free and debt free future.

All the best x

Samorgo, many thanks for your post and for being kind. I've read your diary and others last night and this morning to remind myself that I need to get out of this spiral NOW. I remember initially being horrified that I'd wasted a certain amount a month on my credit card gambling. Then that amount would be what I'd waste in a sitting, chasing a loss. Today I start to resist again.

I can see some similarities to our stories Samorgo and I'm going to set myself some goals and use some of the time I would waste playing slots online to:

1. Practise my dancing - I want to become better at it and that will only happen if I work at it. I can do this at home, on my own, for FREE and then work on it with a partner at my Wednesday classes. Dancing gives me a buzz so I should USE that.

2. Tidy and sort my (rented) flat - I will probably never have the money to buy my own home but I need to stop living like a lazy pig and tidy it up. I need to get on top of it and stay on top of it. I can then invited friends over for a cheap/free evening in!!!

3. Exercise and start eating better to tone up - I'm not huge but I am not happy with the shape/size of the lower half of my body. I need to continue to cut down on the chocolate and plan my meals (and start cooking properly). It will work out cheaper (hopefully) and will be better for me. I'm quitting my local gym to save money but I can use my exercise dvds at home (at least twice a week) until I can afford to rejoin the gym. I can also try to make better use of the gym at work.

Sadly I faced up to looking at what the extra I put on my credit card last night has done to the budget I'd worked out to pay it off. It's not great but it's not insurmountable - it's just added a few months onto the final date of clearing it. I hope that if I manage to stop using it for gambling then a few months down the line I will be able to transfer it to a 0% card or get a loan (with a lower interest rate) to pay it off.

One day at a time, hey?!

Now I need to get dressed then go into town to try to find some trousers (that fit me and that I like how they fit me) to take on my holiday.

Good luck to you all! 😀

Veebee,

I'm so pleased to hear that you sound so much more positive today and all you need to concentrate on is today - tomorrow will take care of itself...

I think there are absolute parallels between our stories - it seems all too often that the gambling overtakes so many aspects of our lives - obviously money and finance but also relationships, health and motivation. I'm focusing on my goal of 28 days (for now and obviously taking it only one day at a time) and at times I need to focus on the next 10 minutes or an hour like I am doing right now - I so want some chocolate that my mother has left to send to my husband but I've told myself that I'll leave it an hour and see how I feel then.

By focusing on the present we can all make small changes that will change our furture lives immeasurably. It's not easy but it is necessary if we want to be happy.

I wish you all the best and have a lovely holiday x