Hi all,
I started gambling when I was about 18 years old. I am now 29. When I started it was online poker. I would deposit minimal amounts and was successful in withdrawing a lot more than I put in. It then became boring after around 2 years and I soon stopped. A lot of my friends would place sports bets and I dabbled now and again but was never really successful so it did not appeal to much to me. I used to play fruit machins in the pub but only ever if I was waiting for someone to pass the time. I would say at his point I did not feel that I had a problem with gambling. I had not lost huge amounts of money and never felt bad or guilty from gambling.
This all changed around 3-4 years ago when I had an promotion come though from an online bookmaker for some of their mobile slots. I thought I may as well use it and see if I win anything. I won and then kepy winning til I had around £500 from my original £10. I was so happy and withdrew £450 and left £50 to see if I could ride my luck. This was a big mistake. I got carried away and lost the money I had left in there and befor I knew it all the money I had withdrawn was back in my account and then lost. I then opened a new account with a different online casino and started again and lost again. I got frustrated and told myself that I would not play anymore but I then got an urge to play more. Of corse I did and lost more. Starting to chase losses amd I maanageg to win a nice amount and withdraw some of it. Then I lost a lot and self excluded from online accounts. I thought this would work but I just searched for different casino's and created new accounts with them. Followed the same win, lose, win, then lose everything cycle as above and self excluded again.
I managed to stop the urges for a while but then I found myself frantically searching for more sites I could set up accounts with. It was these 2 slots I really liked to play and all others did not entertain me. This went on for a year or 2 and I was down a lot and feeling really low. This is when I knew I had a problem so decided to act on it. I self excluded from all my accounts and tried to make sure I remembered to horrible empty lonly feeling of losing in the hope that it would put me off gambling. It worked for a time - about half a year.
I was happy and getting my finances in order again and thought I would reward myself with a little go on the slots as I really thought I could controll myself. Bad bad idea. I ended up winning which was probably the worst thing as it gave me the itch again to carry on. I lost all I had won and more. Felt bad again and ashamed. I had to lie to my wife abiout our finances and that made me feel so horrible and lonely. I could not believe I was doing that. I self excluded again after having another go and losing even more.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and I had been doing well - not gambled in a long time but remembered that it had been about a year since I self excluded from a couple of sites and the exclusion would expire. I reactivated the accounts and put in some money. Made some profit then lost it all and depositedagain. this time over a week and a half I made £6000 profit and said thats it I am hapy with that and withdrawing it. I submitted the withdraw request but over the week the casino delayed the processing in the hope that I would cancel the withdraw. I was keeping strong unti last night when I lost it all. Feel so bad now. How could I have been so stupid I ask myself and why did I fall back into those ways. The empty lonely feeling is killing me at the moment. Luckily I self excluded again for 5 years this time befor I lost any more.
So today I start the process again. I know I can't control myself with online slots and don't want to play them ever again. I know it is easy to say and harder to stick to but I really want to stick to it.
I just hate the current feeling I have. I know it will pass with time but for the moment I wil just have to put up with it. I know its a case of focusing on other things/hobbies and also turning the negative into positive as in remembering this feeling and using it to stop gambling in the future.
I think slots are so enticing to me because you know instantly if you have won or not. Unlike poer or sports betting where you have to wait for the results. This and also the fact that I have had some big wins which you usually remember more that the big losses unfortunatly.
I plan to never play slots or gamble again. The casinos have taken too much of my money already.
I will try to update my diary on a regular basis - good or bad.
Apologies for the length and it being a bit higgldy piggldy.
Ciao for now
Hi JJT, welcome to the diary forum:))) that's a good positive start to kick this horrible addiction in the gutter where it belongs lol.
Online slots was my vice, the more I won the more I lost.
I wish you the very best on your recovery journey,
Keep strong, focused and positive, the day's soon mount up, and by taking one day at a time with everything, you can abstain and maintain.
Suzanne xx
Suzanne - Thanks for your reply.
I could not have said it better myself - The more I won the more I lost.
That is precicely it. Hit the nail on the head there.
As you said one day at a time. I am just glad I stopped it this time before it got as bad as last time.
Speak soon
As the old saying goes as a compulsive gambler you can't stop. 6k is a good amount it should be enough for you to stop but it's all gone so it's time to attack this with all you have.
I don't know if you have told anyone? It was the best thing I did got it out in the open and got support from those I told.
Good move in SE but go the step further and get blocking software in place and restrict you broadband so you can't get on the sites as like you have done in the past you will find another one and just start again.
Maybe look at counselling or GA if this is an approach you have not tried before.
Keep close to this site update your diary and read others you will see your not alone and pick up ideas which might work for you.
If you don't have that first bet the second and third will never come.
KTF
Thanks for the support KTF.
So just over 24 hours in and felling positive. No urges yet and I was pretty bored and alone yesterday which is precisely when I used to do most of my gambling. I have thought about telling someone but am so ashamed and afraid of repercussions if work fount out etc.
I spoke through finances with my wife and luckily did not have to lie in any way because fortunately I caught the relapse early enough to stop any finanГ§ial damage. Still feeling a bit annoyed about the £6k profit but just keep telling myself it was never mine. I never had it and if anything it belonged to my gambling deamon. That is helping get over it a bit but i know it will take a couple of weeks before it creeps into my mind less and less.
Got lots planned for the rest of the weekend then busy week at work which is good and should keep my mind off things.
Thanks again for your support.
Feeling down again. No urge to gamble. At the moment repulsed by the thought. Just so frustrated and disappointed in myself. Grrrrrr.
So it's been over two days now. No urge to gamble but this strange feeling knowing that I must not gamble ever again.
Went through all the sites I was a member of and found one I could have requested back open again but instead I extended the self exclusion by 5 years.
Annoyingly still thinking of the 6k profit that I threw away. But using that to show myself that no matter how much I had won, I would not stop till my account was empty.
Morning JJT. Thanks for your message. I can relate to thinking about the money that is gone. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I can draw a line in the sand. That money has gone and is never coming back. Trying to win it back will only end up in further loses and despair in the long term. Trust me, I have been there many times!
Best wishes
Dave
Use that £6000 loss as your driving force to stop and fight any urges to even attempt to win it back. Nearly 3 weeks ago i did a similar thing with a slightly smaller amount and all i can think about it how have i lost all that cash. Thinking about it now it was probably the best thing to happen to me. I would never have attempted to stop knowing that I had won and i would keep going and going. I did keep going and stopped before the damage went to far.
You will go through a lot of "what ifs" im sure because I had some tough days thinking about that. Try to move on and look forwards because that money has gone, the sooner we realise that the easier it becomes.
Thanks Dave.
I know what you mean. Even when I used to deposit ВЈ10 and win like ВЈ100 then lose it, I ended up chasing the ВЈ100 let alone the £10 and then begins the evil cycle.
Stepping back with a clear head and looking back, so irrational. But that's what the addiction does. Blurs your rational thoughts.
3 days gamble free.
So today I went through my emails to find any casinos I had SE from and the SE was either expired or coming up to expired.
I have to say I was tempted to try and reopwn. Thought I can reopen set low deposit limits and maybe win something. GET REALISTIC I told myself. I knew I would just up the deposit limit and lose. I managed to stay strong and email them all to request the SE be extended for 5 years/max time.
Feel good that I had the strength to do that. Looking forward to keeping my own money and not giving it to casinos.
Looking forward to sleeping at normal times and not gambling late into the night.
Looking forward to not feeling annoyed and disappointed that I won then lost it all and more again.
Looking forward to the day that I don't wake up and kick myself.
Looking forward to life 🙂
Bring on day 4!!!
Good going on 3 days JJT, keep positive and keep strong.
Bring on day 4 indeed lol.
Have a good gamblng free day.
Suzanne xxx
Thanks Suzanne.
Was going through the old emails and making sure self exclusion were extended but got too tempted and reopened one. Lost £20 and then self excluded for 5 years. Did not enjoy it one bit and annoyed at myself.
Back to day 0 🙁
Ok back to 0. Rome wasn't built in a day:))) you have learnt from this,
Your honesty help will win you through, one day at a time,
Keep going and keep focused.
Suzanne xxx
So annoyed at my slip. Gotta get over it all and move on. Hate the wait though.
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