Life begins again

hi suzanne,

Reading your post it seems similar to my situation in parts so i can relate to how your feeling this was me 13 days ago writing that this was the start of new life, and what a 13 day journey it has been but i have smiled, laughed and felt more like me than i have in a very long time, what im trying to say is this is what being gamble free has to offer and it feels good, so much more than that sick to your stomach feeling knowing that the money is gone, the shame is back and your left in the s**t. I hope your partner is supportive of your recovery it helps massively.

Gambling is crippiling, it makes you lie, steal and hide your way through life...of which we all know we only get 1.

I wish you the very best of luck, as you said this site is a fantastic tool and the support on here is invaluable.

Jess

Hi Suzanne and welcome to the forum. Admitting of having a problem is the biggest barrier we all had to get over.This site offers great support, wise words and understanding. By the sounds of it you already took a great deal of reading diaries and getting your head round it. 11 days gamble free is great achievement and you need to stick to your guns and fight this nasty habit.

Sorry to hear you are struggling to open up to your other half. As far as I'm aware, many people on here confessing itlall to their loved ones, feels the weight lifting straight away. It takes a lot of courage, but one of the main things in recovery is being honest with yourself and others around you.

The only way is forward, keep making the right choice. Get as many blocks in as possible. K9 blocking software is for free and really does a good job. (Just ask someone you trust to put password in for you). Keep yourself busy, urges are only the thoughts and you don't have to act on them. Contacting gamcare advisers been huge help for me on tough days, you can do it via phone call or netline.they offer free counselling also, so it would be worth looking into your options. Support is out here Suzzane, you can change your life around. As time passes by, urges gets less stronger.

I wish you well on your journey. Be kind to yourself and take it day at a time, it will get easier with time and you surely deserve peace and happiness with yourself and the loved ones around you.

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks jess and Sandra for your kind and positive thoughts I do appreciate it as I really thought for a while I was on my own in what has become a nightmare.

It has changed me completely I don't trust myself so at the moment I do not expect anyone else to trust me.

I know I must tell my other half been trying for 11 days now he took laptop off me a month ago and he thought it was over but I gambled on my Ipad trying to get some money back but I knew deep down I would not win so my last gamble on bingo slots was 28th April

I have had a couple of urges surprised I have not had more but the awful pain of losing is still fresh and everything else we go through.

I am pleased you are both doing well and keeping strong .

Best wishes suz x

Hi Suzanne - I have just posted on your 'New Members' entry, but just wanted to say again 'Well done' on your days free of gambling.

I can understand your fear of telling your partner, but I think if you could show him that you have been 'clean' for nearly two weeks and that you have joined this site, then he might see how serious you are about giving up.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Hi Suzanne. Just wanted to say well done for coming to the realisation that you are a CG. I'm on day 5 now and i can honestly say i feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders already. This addiction feeds on our secrecy and sneakiness. when you bring it out into the light all of a sudden you can begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt the exact same as you do last Monday night. I was so scared to tell my partner bacause i was so ashamed and so worried how she would react. I am so glad i did. She was amazing and has promised to support me as long as i don't lie to her anymore and that i tell her if i slip or feel like slipping. This disease was destroying my relationship. I had so many secrets and felt so ashamed for the majority of my time with her and i just feel so thankful that i've been given another chance. I wish you all the best in this fight and i hope that you, me and all the other people on this site can push on and live the lives we were meant to live.

Davie

Suzanne

Firstly a huge well done for finding the courage to face up to your compulsion to gamble,it takes a very brave person to do so and remember in doing so you are not alone.

This amazing forum is full of like minded folk who want to rid the destruction of their gambling from there own lives.

Regarding telling your other half I will just sat this for me no doubt your compulsion will have caused issues with your partner,not just financial but emotionally to.

So why not share the joy of recovery with them,they are like many other folk the innocent victim of this addiction,our misery is waged unwittingly upon their lives too.

So gift them your recovery,it really is a gift that costs us nothing but a choice

And it will never stop gifting.

Keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning diary

Day 12 no gambling have not told partner yet have not seen him for more than 5 minutes since Thursday andI am off to work now til this evening working shifts we do not see much of each other.

On my mind more than anything else now to come clean with him it's eating me away at the moment more than the mess I have got us in gambling last thing on my mind the thought of it sickens me with regret and anger hope everyone has a gambling free day I know I will today

Hi Suzanne

Welcome to this forum and a very well done on your 12 days of abstinance.

I know how hard it is confiding in someone else, your gambling problem, especially if you are anything like me, who is pretty private. I did however confide in my brother and sister, who offered me excellent support, both financially and emotionally.

As Sandra said, K9 is. a great way to stop you in your tracks of any temptation. I had my sister put a password in both my laptop and my mobile.

Take care and stay strong.

Feb.

Morning diary

First I want to thank everyone for the comments which are helping me a lot just reading on here as helped

Day 13 do not feel like gambling today still makes me feel sick and angry the thought of it

Work soon

I do feel absolutely shattered and drained and everything is a effort at the moment especially work also I feel don't know if I feel numb or dead inside but it's not a nice feeling anyway must get ready for work now

No gambling today keep strong all can't win can't stop

Will post more after work

Xx

Good morning diary

Day 14 and into second week of not losing anymore money feeling positive about that but I know I am only just starting to beat this

Have spoken to other half about how bad my addiction has got and he knows I come on here now I don't think he realised how serious it had become He does now but not know the full extent of the debt I am

I have promised him over the last 2 years I will never waste Money again numerous times and broken my promise and been found out so this time I have told him I am trying my hardest and he seems to understand that.Not see him much over when'd due to me working but I said say when I got home yesterday I was feeling itchy and he knew what I meant and he put a film on sounds silly but any distraction from gambling is good funny though cos when I was playing and got distracted I used toget so annoyed and stressed

The triangle has helped this weekend cos I have no money in bank. After my last loss 28th April I took what little I had in bank out and have cash since else I might have gambled that

Day off today be a test cos Mondays are the worst day for me for playing as day off and used to play as my treat what a joke will just keep reading on here if feeling itchy.

This site is helping me a lot

At least I won't have the guilt and shame tonight when other half comes home because I am determinedit to not gamble today can't win can't stop hope everyone has a happy gamble free day

Suzanne xx

congratulations on your 2 week mark suzanne, were at similar points in our recovery ( day 16 for me) and i know exactly what you mean when you say this is just the start of beating this.

Im glad you have spoken to your other half openly again i opened up to mine but not about how much debt im in (small steps and all that).

Hope you have a great day today an use this forum as soon as/if you get that "itch" were all here to support and are rooting for each and every1 of use to have a successful recovery.

Good luck and stay strong

Jess

Morning jess

Yes small steps totally agree with you congrats on day 16 it does make you feel a bit positive doesn't it but we know that itch is right there at the back off our head trying to push forward to the front especially when we have time and location I only have cash at the moment but I know That could change if I give in and I want to be able to face other half tonight with honesty believe me I have got so good at lying and deceiving it's frightening but that is my other life not my real life that I want back

Have-a good day and thank you for support

Suzanne. Xx

Dear diary

We'll I think I can say I have not gambled today

Strange feelings and thoughts only one itch but have felt low and numb.

Don't have any incentive to go out just had a day with my own thoughts.

I know had I of had money in my bank today I could of been saying day 1 tomorrow but if I think positive instead of what was becoming a routine on my day off which was gambling a couple of hundred winning losing winning losing chasing nothing left getting a pay day loan etc I have not had to get a loan so that must be positive last time I bet I did it after getting a payday loan and lost the lot that was my last time and I never want to be so stupid again

Instead I rang the payday company today and have been put on a payment plan surprised me how nice they were about it so that is one pressure off me only but totally humiliating to ring them All my payday loans 4 in total I have managed a plan with

Wonder why they still let me have loans surely my credit by now is zapped hope so

I do not want anymore payday loans

Can truthfully tell OH I have not been on bingo today

When he comes home soon

Suzanne x.

Morning diary

Day 15 without betting still in my head all the time but not to gamble the thought still makes me feel sick and panicky.

Work all day no one at work has a clue what I am going through I am very good at hiding this addiction.

I just take one day at a time at the moment with gambling work and home getting through each day is hard I think 6 months down the line I might see the light at end of tunnel if I do not return to gambling so that is an incentive there is no magic cure or quick fix this time and strangely I feel relieved I have hit rock bottom if that makes sense

Have a good day all gamble free

Suzanne x