Life begins again

Yo Suzanne. Has them builders kidnapped you or you now gone into business as painter and decorator..... echoing all the above

Thank you all for your kind supportive messages, very much appreciated:)) and thank you Sandra, Cheryl, Junnieee and Dan for keeping in touch outside the forum, :)))

Good morning diary,

712 days today and closing in on two whole years of not gambling even one single penny on this self destructive addiction.

Have took a break from here for various reasons, and when we went down to Hayling last week I decided to not take my IPad, as no internet in the caravan, and do you know what dear diary, I did not miss the internet I tested myself and was quite chuffed to find I can live quite normally without my IPad lol.

The last two weeks have been hectic, grand kids coming up here for a week, days out to Skeggy and Scarborough, and then down to Hayling for a few days, and in between viewings on the house, and no dear diary, it's still not sold, even though we have now decorated throughout, very very frustrating now, beginning to feel that my life is n hold, which is not good:((

Son that lives in Essex blew all his wages last week on gambling, rent did not get paid or council tax, that they are already n arrears with, but he is adamant he does not have a problem, he is only kidding himself, sorry son when your OH is on the phone to me crying her eyes out about the bills you sure do have a mega problem, you are a CG whether you think you are or not, am more annoyed with him this time than upset, because he just won't admit he has a problem.

The last couple of weeks on my rollercoaster journey have been up and down, good times, sad times, frustrating times and angry times, but I have got through unsaved:))

I really believe the triangle works for me anyway, because if it is kept broken, I can't play, and when I had no IPad st hand, I honestly did not even think of gambling, any part of it, out of sight out of mind lol.

I did not intentionally miss signing in on the challenge last week, I thought I had checked in, have never missed a week since I joined, sorry Gary I will check in after this post.

For me at this time, out of sight out of mind has worked, which included out of sight on here, but I realise that also means out of recovery, (if that makes sense) this forum has worked 100% for me, so to stop posting on here means to me, I will be stopping recovery. It's ok to take a break, but not let go, because I am a CG and that will never totally disappear. I wished it would but I can/ am living my life without Mr G, and proving to myself recovery is possible (thanks Ade) even with the scars and debt I still have, ofcourse I still get angry with myself at times, at all the money and time I have wasted on gamblng, time and money that could have given me happy memories, family occasions, and holidays, but that time and money has gone now, it's today that counts, because I do have a tomorrow, and I can and am making happy memories with my time and money now, and that is sooo very positive for me.

Thank you again you lovely people on here for your messages and concern, am still walking the walk,be it bumpy at times, but I sure am doing it lol.

Wishing everyone on here a happy, positive and calm gambling free day

Suzanne xx

Great to have you back and waft a great post to come back with.

I did the same as you took a bit of time away but like you feel is a bit of a gamble to walk away completely from this site. A nightmare catching up all the diaries. Anyway be good to have you floating around again.

KTF

Hi stranger,

Thank you for popping over and posting on my diary. One year is fab but one year and two days is fabber (if such a word exists!!!).

I hope your own recovery is going well and best wishes to you and yours

B x

Hi Suzanne, thanks as ever for your support. I'm feeling ok, and doing just fine...even after my blip! True, it wasn't my money but it was still a stupid thing to be doing.I am learning (slowly)...but hey, no rush. As long as I'm going forwards I'll get there in the end.

I was happy to read your update. I too had missed you on here, and I was wondering if you were ok, but I never had any doubts about you and Mr.G. We all need to take a break sometimes....you more than most with all the support you give...as long as you're looking after yourself. It's good that you have the fab four on speed-dial 🙂

Two years soon...I better get started on the balloons. My lungs aren't what they used to be and 730 is a lot to blow up!

Keep on trucking! LB x

Erm....... yup where are ya? Aha! Living your life on life's terms ☺..good on ya S...it comes in waves huh..but we are better at surfing them now 😉

Good to see ya on the top of one! Keep at it...you're worth it!

S x

Ps...if in the need...ya know where the coast is for a little catch up ;-)..now I'm braver for sure!!!

S x

I wished wrote:

Thank you all for your kind supportive messages, very much appreciated:)) and thank you Sandra, Cheryl, Junnieee and Dan for keeping in touch outside the forum, :)))

Good morning diary,

712 days today and closing in on two whole years of not gambling even one single penny on this self destructive addiction.

Have took a break from here for various reasons, and when we went down to Hayling last week I decided to not take my IPad, as no internet in the caravan, and do you know what dear diary, I did not miss the internet I tested myself and was quite chuffed to find I can live quite normally without my IPad lol.

The last two weeks have been hectic, grand kids coming up here for a week, days out to Skeggy and Scarborough, and then down to Hayling for a few days, and in between viewings on the house, and no dear diary, it's still not sold, even though we have now decorated throughout, very very frustrating now, beginning to feel that my life is n hold, which is not good:((

Son that lives in Essex blew all his wages last week on gambling, rent did not get paid or council tax, that they are already n arrears with, but he is adamant he does not have a problem, he is only kidding himself, sorry son when your OH is on the phone to me crying her eyes out about the bills you sure do have a mega problem, you are a CG whether you think you are or not, am more annoyed with him this time than upset, because he just won't admit he has a problem.

The last couple of weeks on my rollercoaster journey have been up and down, good times, sad times, frustrating times and angry times, but I have got through unsaved:))

I really believe the triangle works for me anyway, because if it is kept broken, I can't play, and when I had no IPad st hand, I honestly did not even think of gambling, any part of it, out of sight out of mind lol.

I did not intentionally miss signing in on the challenge last week, I thought I had checked in, have never missed a week since I joined, sorry Gary I will check in after this post.

For me at this time, out of sight out of mind has worked, which included out of sight on here, but I realise that also means out of recovery, (if that makes sense) this forum has worked 100% for me, so to stop posting on here means to me, I will be stopping recovery. It's ok to take a break, but not let go, because I am a CG and that will never totally disappear. I wished it would but I can/ am living my life without Mr G, and proving to myself recovery is possible (thanks Ade) even with the scars and debt I still have, ofcourse I still get angry with myself at times, at all the money and time I have wasted on gamblng, time and money that could have given me happy memories, family occasions, and holidays, but that time and money has gone now, it's today that counts, because I do have a tomorrow, and I can and am making happy memories with my time and money now, and that is sooo very positive for me.

Thank you again you lovely people on here for your messages and concern, am still walking the walk,be it bumpy at times, but I sure am doing it lol.

Wishing everyone on here a happy, positive and calm gambling free day

Suzanne xx

Thinking of you too Suzanne. Keep the faith! Tri x

Thank you sooo very much my dear friends for your comments, I have bonded with so many folks on here, and I know that bond will never go away, just like my addiction to gambling, it all stays close inside me, but that is ok, even when the road gets very bumpy by situations out of my control.

Good morning diary,

Was going to say my neglected diary but it's not neglected it is here for when I want to write on it, it does not have to be every day now, so another positive step forwards in the real world.

Very busy last few weeks travelling to Portsmouth, Skegness, and Chelmsford, on different weekends, and Birmingham yesterday to see my Aunt who sadly fell down her stairs and was left on her own for 4 hours until a neighbour saw her on the floor and rang the ambulance and the police, she is 95 years young, and lives independently on her own by her own very strong choice, but something like this was going to happen at some stage.

It was very upsetting to see her frail little shape in a hospital bed yesterday, doped up with morpheme for the pain, and yet she was

Asking me when could she go home, I did not have the heart to tell my Aunt, she can't live on her own anymore,and that her life will change now. I felt soo guilty and helpless because I can't give her what we wants.

I also had to tell a big white lie, (the aftermath of this addiction bites hard at times) about 2 months before I stopped gambling, I went to visit my Aunt because she wanted to give me 3 diamond rings, which I selfishly sold ASAP to feed my addiction, she actually asked me yesterday in her hospital bed, if I had sold them and how much did I get, I told her I still had them at home, how could I tell this frail 95 lady that I had sold them for a pittance just so I could gamble.I wanted to confess to her but that would have been selfish of me to burden her with my addiction, so honesty was not the best policy yesterday, the guilt cut deep and is still very much on my mind this morning.

I can't visit her every day as she is in Birmingham but I will see her as much as I can. She did not have children of her own, so there is just me and my brothers and none of us live nearby, me in Leeds, one brother in Bristol, one in Kent and one in America.

Funny how when a family member is very ill, how we all rally together to help, that bond with my siblings will always be there even if I don't see them from one year to the next,

My family life really is at the front at this time, with different situations with different members of my family, very sad circumstances with my Aunt have bought me and my brothers to communicate with each other again, and meet up in the near future, as brother from America is flying over next weekend.

The bonds we have in our lives with families and friends once made does not go away, just like this addiction will never go away, I don't see my brothers for 3 years at a time but I know they are there, I know this addiction is within me. and can be triggered with just a tiny spark, a seconds weakness, of complacency, because I am fully aware that I can not gamble in any form, because I know if I start I won't stop.

The scars are deep, they flare up at times, but I remain strong and level headed, they won't go away but this rollercoaster journey is just about continually moving forwards even if it's at a snail pace at times, it's a continuing work in progress to keep this addiction

dormant and to keep gambling in the past tense, and every step forward keeps gamblng further and further in my past.and that is just fine with me, it's ok when our shameful past emerges at times,as long as we deal with it as it is IN THE PAST NOW, and it can fookiing stay there:)))

I can live with lying to my Aunt, jeezI am living with this addiction every day, my Aunts health comes first, I want her to get that letter from the Queen in four and a half years time, wow that will be an achievement for her,

Son back to controlled gambling, (that's what he calls it) I know different and I know just a matter of time before he falls down again, I had strong words with him last weekend when I went down, it just went in one ear and straight out of the other, :(((

good news on the house we have had an offer that we have accepted, we are just now waiting for their deposit to go through, then contracts will be X changed.fingers 100% crossed.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and enjoyable gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Afternoon lovely lady 🙂 Suzanne , you have just summed up in your kind post to me everything that's great about this forum , It doesn't matter one jot if we don't speak for day's weeks or months , we just pick up where we left off as old friends , chat things over and offer advice and comfort , all with a common aim in mind which is to keep our addiction under control .

It's always great to hear from you, as you were one of those first kind folk on here to offer your hand that spurred me on to the point I've reached today and to you and all those kind friends I'll always be eternally gratefull and it's so good to see that your still working your own brand of magic some 727 day's later ( I didn't look at your day count honestly ) ! LOL !.

You go through so much in your own life, Your Aunt's illness firstly and I'm sorry to hear of her fall by the way , I fully understand the white lie dilemma as I went through the same with my late mum , she too had a fall as a result of a stroke and spent nearly 16 weeks in hospital, she was a very independant woman who's first though was when she would be able to return home but I knew that would never happen and kept fobbing her off with excuses until one day she realised herself that life just wasn't going to be the same , luckily I had a ground floor room available at home which we had equipped for her needs and where she lived out her life , the lies we told while in the grip of addiction are one thing but there not such a bad thing Suzanne when we mask the truth to protect those we love , so stand tall on that one !.

Your son will come to realise in his own time and way , how this addiction works just as we all have done but hopefully sooner rather than later , you can only guide and offer advice as you see fit but what our children choose to do with the information is down to them , in this world the only thing we have total control over is our own minds and thoughts and your son along with my son will do what there going to do regardless of age and experience giving them a nudge .

On a happier note I'm so glad your finally getting things moving with the house sale , thats great news and I'm sure will be a welcome relief to you and your's .

Thank you again Suzanne for dropping bye and nice to see the odd footprint around the forum again !!

Best wishes with love and respect .......................POPs xx

Hi S,

Thanks for the support.
Look at you marching on and making huge steps towards better future you so deserve ☺.

Proud of ...v proud.

Good skills on selling the house! Putting kettle on ready for ur arrival 😉

Look after yourself Suzanne..be kind to you & yours

Morning Suzanne, so good to see you marching proudly on. You've got a lot going on at the moment, and you're coping with it well. As you say, sometimes life throws us things that are outside of our control. You can now deal with those times without making everything worse by hiding with the slots.You're a great example...I know it hasn't been easy and there are still days when it isn't easy...but I'm grateful that you're honest and open on here. It's tempting for me to picture life as all roses once I kick Mr.G out for good. Actually, it might even be harder as I won't have him to retreat to.

Congratulations on selling the house. All that hard work decorating paid off! Genuinely pleased for you.

KOKO. LB x

Thanks Alan, Sandra and LB, for your very supportive messagesxx

Good afternoon diary,

Got a text from Dan about an hour ago, saying he was now banned from posting on here, I do hope it's only temporarily, because his wise and ok strong words to me at times, have certainly helped me to keep going forwards, he at times helped me to see the truth in myself, and yes it hurt, but was necessary for me.at that time to move forwards.

If we all were the same on here I am sure we would get bored very quickly, we all have different strong personalities lol, (CG trait I think) it would be awful if we all cracked the same jokes as Pops, (sos pops) only joking, but I hope you get the jest, one thing for sure, none of us are boring, and that has to be a big positive for all of us.:)))

Still waiting for buyers to send info from their broker, getting a little uptight now, oh ok getting stressed again now, workmen outside the house again doing cable, how many blxxdy times do they need to re dig, it's just fookiing cable after all.

Aunt has an infection, through having a catheter on, bless her, when I think about that, I should not be moaning or stressing at all:((

Apart from all that, life can only be good simply because I am not gambling it away, and losing sight of what really matters, and that can only be very positive for me too.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and meaningful gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Hi, Suzanne,

Glad to hear move is going as well as expected. However, a caveat, if there's ever a situation where you can't control what other people are doing, yet you depend on what they do and when they do it, it's being in a property chain. Money talks (usually via chasing phone calls, am well out of that now). Deep breaths, one day at a time and remember that people huff and P**f but they do think carefully before they blow the house down.

BW,

CW

Firstly great news on the move, a weight off your mind. Thanks for the post, yes I have been struggling to stay away, still available funds I guess is the issue, I know what I should be doing, I have had enough advice from you ............ so I start absistence again ...... I need to do it this time........... Anyway start packing !! - Paul

Suzanne.... your brand new, you really are and always have this knack of bringing a smile to this miserable mug.

I'm chuffed you can see the light with your house sell and travel into a new exciting chapter.

Am busy drawing up a ' Bring back Dan ' placard and have emailed Boris, whether he could get involved bur he replied that he was involved in some Brexit B.S. My message to Dan, save your knowledge for peeps who are seeking change... he had a knack in picking winners and you Suzanne is one of em....

Strength and honor