Life begins again

Thank you for the comment I wished and congratulations on passing 2yrs! I would do the math and say I'm happy to always stay 600 odd days behind you but my brain is a little bit frazzled lol.

Hi Suzanne.

Congrats on your time gamble free.

Just wanted to say thanks for all of your support.

Cheers,
JJ

I wished wrote:

Just a thought dear diary that has come through to my not so thick head now.

For me fear, of family giving me even more self loathing, than I already thought they had for me, one just one of the reasons I kept giving everything to my addiction, Fear, Panic, Desperation, This was my addiction simply thriving on all this self loathing negativity at the end, it wanted everything from me, and it got every single last thing I could give it, I even said at the beginning of my journey and sometimes throughout how it broke my heart. It broke me mentally, physically, it possessed me.

Yes at the beginning, I gambled for fun, entertainment, through the middle, I got selfish, (denial) and towards the end, I was possessed with this evil,addiction, Even from the fun bit at the beginning,,looking back now, I was already tightly in its Webb,

I don't think that now,

I know that if I could have got my hands on my OHs pension, I would have, if I could have used money from the house I would have, but I am realising now that from that first tenner on fun bingo, I was hooked, fun, denial, desperation.

Thinking now (don't like to use the word lucky) but I am because I sold everything I had, gold, my car (after a log book loan) pay day loans coming out of my ears, two heavy overdrafts, two bank loans, 4 credit cards, etc, but all of these loans were unsecured, thank goodness, do you know dear diary before I did my debt plan, I must have paid back at least 8000 plus don't know in interest charges alone, probably more over my active years, don't worry about any of that now, it's only money the paradox is (for me anyway is the addiction doesn't have that one as its biggest card, its biggest card is to totally destroy us.

Anyone and everyone who Has become a victim of this addiction can contain it, and live along side of it, and the first step is by admitting to ourselves that we are addicted, and that it has changed our way of life, and that it is affecting our loved ones, it is destroying them, and because this addiction is soo cleverly silent and secret, we automatically think that they loathe us, but in actual fact until we come out of denial and admit our addiction to ourselves and them this addiction will keep thriving because we think we deserve to be loathed, and our poor loved ones think we don't give a Shxte about them and they have every right to loathe us, but they don't, they want to know why,how, what for, and what are we going to do about it, and ofcourse they will be more than angry, we have made their life very insecure, the bottom has fallen out of theirs.

But even if we are single, we think people loathe us, and it's all because of this addiction, another big card it thrives on is giving us the lowest self esteem going, it wants us to think we are the lowest of the low, it wants us to think we are worthless to society, it wants us to think without it we can't survive, that's how low it can get us.

Whether in a relationship, single, divorced,young, middle aged, no matter what race or religion, it will get us.

I at this time don't think I became a CG for selfish reasons, I think I just played that simple tenner and got hooked in, it was already inside me just waiting, my thoughts only ofcourse at this time.but it's time for CGs to stand up.and be counted for, we are not greedy, selfish horrible people, we simply had a gamble and got hooked, ohh yes those big wins were there as bait.

I hold my head up to every CG on here, we got hooked, but we can get out, determination, thinking rationally, one day at a time, and the biggest thing of all is to realise we are not loathed by folks, we are not low life, we never was, we just lacked self esteem and self confidence through stuff that happened in our lives, and it just took that one bet, all we have to do is just not take another

I have made that choice every day to not place a tenner, I have made that choice every day to only keep a tenner in my bank, (

I have made that right and only choice every day to keep me, my OH and family safe, and not last or least, to keep me mentally, emotionally and physically living in the real world, Shiite do I want to spend the rest of my life being 100% possessed by this addiction, NO and that is why I have made changes, choices, every single day,

My thoughts only dear diary.

Suzanne xx

Great post Suzanne!!!

Keep up the honest reflection. keep inspiring me. tri

Good evening dear diary,

Sooo frustrated today, it's unbelievable, pension letter got lost in the post (what) have gone berserk at OH) not hi is fault, I know but he does take 100 steps back before making that one step forward, and I should feel (don't like to use the word lucky) so I will just say dear diary, you know what I mean.that with being careful and weighing it all up he did 100 steps back with me, he followed me backwards, and moved forwards with ME one day at a time, sooo why did I rip his head off on the phone today, (obviously I am not walking on egg shells anymore with him, and even more obviously I am still being selfish, simply because I can't get my own way today.

Reminds me far too much of this addiction, it's trying its best, it's hardest to lure me back in, do you know dear diary if we were in our mobile home tonight and OH and I were happily celebrating, it would be there, happy or miserable, the blxxdy thing is always there.

My OH does not deserve my mood swings, I have now (most times) found a balance with OH my sons,grandkids, siblings Aunt, and ofcourse my ever growing extended family, but as much as I wash my my hair (thanks mum) this Mr G lurks guiltily and patiently, ( going to make a joke of this because he has 100% more patience than me 0hh:(() work very much in progress with patience ) My OH does not not deserve any Negavity from me now, , he has been through hell as well.he has been on exactly the same road as me, (and he is probably as impatient as me to get this mobile home and more important sell the house, and he will be worried at this time about me with my recovery (I know that) it's harder for them in a way.

On the positive side , he is working late, ( no arguments lol) I am too worn out anyway, this recovery journey is exhausting at times:((

My mum also used to sing that song to me, whatever will be will be, by Doris Day I think? bless you Mum you had me be,Irving thst for donkeys years, you droned it into me with your loving assurance, but hey Mum you were wrong. It's not whatever will be will be, it's how we do it, make, change it, nothing comes from nothing, sos Mum it's not whatever will be will be, it's down to us, each and every individual one of us to make changes, make our lives work to the best of our ability.

Love and miss you so much Mum, jeez you have been gone 26 years now, Dad 21 years now, thank goodness they wernt around when I got sucked in to this addiction, because it simply would have broken their hearts.

Wishing everyone a calm, safe and understanding gambling free evening.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

Sounds like you had a tough day today. All of us get frustrated from time to time. We just gotta take a step back and re-evaluate. See it from a different perspective and know that there is no point wasting energy or worrying about things that are beyond our control. Easier said than done I know.

Have in there and hopefully you have a good relaxing evening.

JJT

Hi Suzanne,

A belated congratulations on your wonderful milestone, 2 years is such a fantastic achievement. We all have times when the dark clouds decend and we go off kilt....even those that arent fighting this addiction. I think we just magnify it sometimes because we still feel so guilt for what we have done to ourselves and those around us. So dont be too hard on yourself, take a deep breath and have a nice sleep, things will seem better in the morning when you are nice and refreshed. And I am sure you can make it up to the OH in some way to get back on the good books!

Hi Suzanne, tough day for you, tough day for me, negativty sucks, you are helping me, my eternal thanks for your support. Hope the pension letter arrives on thursday, (hug) - paul

Hi Suzanne

It's great that after the testing day you had you didn't give into gambling - which would have been so easy. Well done.

Paul

Suzanne,

Just wanted to thank you for your posts on Tuesday. Encouragement and support is vital when trying to cling on to the gamble-free wagon and I am ever grateful. What you say is perfectly true. I am always trying to find positives in even small things but not always easy. We have a beatiful sunny day here in west London and I am feeling upbeat. 3 days down and many to go. Congratulations on 2 wonderful years - I hope they long continue. Mark x

How are you to-day Suzanne, life has thrown a lot at you, do not let Mr G back into your life, no matter the stress life throws at you. You are one of the toughest on here (if not the toughest) , stay that way. The caravan will come in time ((HUG-HUG)) - Paul

Thank you soo much fellow peeps, it really is appreciated.

Good evening diary,

Ok I threw my dollies out yesterday:(( I ended up sleeping on the settee, (not the first time indeed lol) not a good evening with OH, but every so often both sides need to get strife off their chest, so to speak.

Early shift this morning(I knew set hours would not last for long lol) but I have come home, cut the lawns, and yes cleaned the Windows inside and out, OK only the downstairs ones, but daft as it always sounds, cleaning windows takes away a lot of my frustration, impatience, and ofcourse Mr G.

Pension peeps are now sending a third letter out, as we have not received even one yet, sorry diary, but I haven't quite got to grips yet with, bring patient.

OH knew he for a change was actually out or order last night, He mentally attacked me, but it is because he is also frustrated, and worried about me, All is well, he has rang me today, a few times while at work, and I have just given him a little gift:))) I have cut the lawns, (which he has vowed to do tonight) doesn't know I have done it, and weeded Lol.

Stupid thing to say but iif/when you get that gambling urge, clean the Windows, cut the grass, even in the rain lol. Do anything and everything you can to keep it where it belongs (in the gutter) the only way we can win now, is by not placing even one penny.

Wishing everyone a safe, warm, and enjoying the weather evening.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne

Thanks for your support on my diary. Much appreciated. Keeping busy as you suggest ! Day three and continuing the fight. Hope things are going ok with you and well done getting the gardening done !

Clare X

Hi Suzanne, I reckon you should re-train as a gambling counsellor, you actually make more sense than any counsellor or advice I have had from anyone. I hope you are not on the settee tonight, if so nick the duvet first ! See a little bit of humour returning ! Don't stress about de pension - over 55 , 25 per cent is tax free, take it and spend it on yo bolt hole. Thanks again - Paul xx

Hi Suzanne, I reckon you should re-train as a gambling counsellor, you actually make more sense than any counsellor or advice I have had from anyone. I hope you are not on the settee tonight, if so nick the duvet first ! See a little bit of humour returning ! Don't stress about de pension - over 55 , 25 per cent is tax free, take it and spend it on yo bolt hole. Thanks again - Paul xx

Well done on your 2 years plus Suzanne!

Your doing mighty fine.

Life sure does go on and gets better when we don't gamble.

Regards... S.A 🙂