Lifer

Well it seems I was wrong in my assumption. After returning from hospital today and my scan completed I was told that I have to return and see a specialist for more iinvasive tests. There was something showing that they weren't happy with. At least they can't just tell me it's stress and anxiety anymore. The pressure in my head is completely unbearable sometimes. If I had a gun I could've shot myself in the early hours. Feeling a bit better now and hhopefully back to work tomorrow. Take care folks. A.N x

Morning Ian

Hope ur feeling a bit better this morning, hope u get these headaches sorted out must be awful for u, with the the gambling thoughts nothing ever surprises me anymore I guess we just av to learn to live with it, short term yes it takes the pain away it absorbs our heads lets of think of nothing else but as we both know the long term result always ends in disaster

Wishing u well

Castle2

Hey Ian

Just catching up with diaries today...the good news is that they are on the case as to what's going on health-wise which then allows you to eliminate the unknown and treat what it is ...

On the question of withdrawals...yes..I am a firm believer that physical symptoms can occur. Being attached to a "fixed idea" can produce physical symptoms if that idea is lost.

This is why people go into withdrawals and become ill at the end of a relationship or death of a loved one as the fixed idea they had of being with that person for life is lost...nausea,sweating,vomiting etc .

A person can also be a fix in the same way a non substance so it becomes a psychological addiction with same withdrawls.

The placebo affect to take the pain away that you felt would have been gained by gambling just shows how powerful the mind is ...

Xxx

Thank you to ex doormat and castle. Also to two more for more personal messages. Well, I got back to work yesterday. Headache's gone. New meds working a treat. Resisted all urges which come when you're feeling at your lowest.

A nice weekend off. Tomorrow at a party of a close friend. He never used this site. He met me by chance last October after not seeing each other since school. His party is to celebrate one year clean. Everything happens for a reason. Take care people. Don't do IT! 🙂 x

MR .b

Fella thanks for planting another seed.

From it grows roots.

Glad to read the pills are doing there job.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

My head pains have now been 17 days. Have some more tests to come on Monday. I am grateful for the support of my friends and family and a very special lady in my life. Without them and my tremendous thirst for knowledge then I couldn't carry on. Understanding my condition is all consuming. Also learning to relax through meditation. This is the way forward for me. I just hope that my health holds up and I can continue my solid recovery of this addiction and help others who feel powerless. No more gambling. Cos when I do die that's clearly not what I want to be remembered for.

Againstnature. 🙂

Yo,

It's hard to find the words to ease your fears . I am pleased you are getting the support you need .

Some battles just can not be fought alone .

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow , willing that the tests are not too invasive and that you receive the results quickly . Until then stay strong , deal with today today , and try to worry about tomorrow when it comes .

Take care Ian , you are in my thoughts ,

Shiny xxx

Hey AN

Hoping you are keeping your chin up whilst you sort your health out...it looks like you are despite great agitation and wanting answers I should imagine as no one looks forward to medical tests or waiting.

The upside is the quicker it's done the quicker they can start sorting it out and with the support of everyone you will get through this and on the way to being your normal self again.

Gambling is a destructive "non friend " you rightly let of of as when it comes to the important stuff of life it doesn't even feature ..

Take us all in your pocket and know that the support is there.

R and D xx

Hello and good morning, white rabbits 🙂

I first started a diary here in November 2011. That was when I first reached a point in my life "rock bottom".

During that time I have been more productive and more outgoing. I also became more confused at times but was always driven by a need to understand my own condition. I came to the conclusion that I have an addictive personality. Gambling was just a symptom of my disorder. I discovered this after I ploughed myself into other addictions to rid myself of the gambling. Some good, some bad, some very bad. I might add that I've never committed any crimes whilst chasing with my ego but I have been manipulative and very self centred.

I have hurt several people along the way. For that I am truly sorry. Now it seems that I mostly hurt myself. My health has deteriorated during the last year. I have recently been off work sick with neurological problems. I won't feel sorry for myself here. Just need to get through all of my ongoing tests

and keep in recovery.

I come back to this site today to genuinely give help to people who understand and suffer with similar issues. Those who need to overcome themselves. That is our biggest battle. You are all my kind of people, kindred spirits, my family.

I hate being messed up and strive for safety, security, sanity and normality. Just some sort of structure anyway. I have found some of this recently with meditation, relaxation, talking therapy and practising living in the now. I am not going to push this onto people but if I can give you all one big message it would be to stop thinking so much and take as much time out as you can. Look after number one because without a healthy sense of self you are nothing. You can't help anyone. So from now on I will look to post on your diaries and offer genuine support, encouragement and advice which is built on years of experience good or bad. Take it or leave it. Like it or dislike it. Genuine though it is. Without recovery and communication with my people I am a self obsessed, highly defective individual. I am prone to making up stories and manipulation. It's only through this type of talking and being amongst other addicts can I display my true colours and be honest with myself. I seek to help others who aren't as aware of their illness, people who are new to talking about their problems and still dealing with shame and guilt. Also some of my older friends here.

Been around the block and back again. Always maintaining against the cycle that is addiction. There is no such thing as failure. If at first you don't succeed then try and try again.

Yours, againstnature x

Feeling amazingly positive. I get by with a little help from my friends. It's ok being me. It's good to feel free. When I suffer from distorted thinking and negative thoughts again I know where I'll write. I know which friends to contact. I am a lucky guy. I'm thankful for that. I know that I never have to feel alone again.

Goodnight.

Yo,

Most defo the biggest tool we have against addiction is within ourselves , we decide our destiny no one else , and most importantly not our addiction.

Self belief , self confidence, and doing what's best for us , are the traits that the addictive monster hates .

Because it then finds it hard to feed all that is negative in our lives, as we try to irradiate all that is destructive.

Your post was bursting with strength, determination and understanding that this recovery road is made easier with someone holding your arm ( so to speak)

Believe that you can create a different destiny for your self, and in my opinion your half way there. This morning I can feel your belief . That has brightened what will no doubt be a challenging day but one strengthen by your positivity .

Shiny ( well a bit more than yesterday ) xx

MR.B

Fella it is great to agian stand by your side.

In the virtual world as well as the 3D

Together we will make a contiued difference.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you my friends. I called myself againstnature for a reason. Addiction is in my nature. It's negative so I will always fight it. Lifer is my diary cos I battle to live. Free from the prison now but I must maintain it for life. I could be back there in an instant if I fail to deal with every day ups and downs in the right manner. Focus always and never get complacent. Maladaptive thinking is our ruin. Breathe and relax. Let it go. Goodnight xx

Hi againstnature

Thanks for the post.

I completely agree I have addiction everywhere in my life and now all of these are healthy addictions (sport, gym etc). Coupling an addictive personality with gambling was always going to spell disaster I was just too naive to see it.

Have you been gamble free since 2012?

Its great to get new opinions and experiences as the more I know about gambling the more I see it's ability to ruin peoples lives and the less likely I am to return to it.

Keep in touch

Stu

Hi againstnature

Thanks for the post.

I completely agree I have addiction everywhere in my life and now all of these are healthy addictions (sport, gym etc). Coupling an addictive personality with gambling was always going to spell disaster I was just too naive to see it.

Have you been gamble free since 2012?

Its great to get new opinions and experiences as the more I know about gambling the more I see it's ability to ruin peoples lives and the less likely I am to return to it.

Keep in touch

Stu