Lifer

I had a terrible night on Thursday. Head was all over the place. Urges were there throughout the day yesterday too. I managed to resist them. I did cave in to one addiction. f**s. But hey that's the least of my worries. I hate asking for help. I find out really painful. But if I hadn't them I know that I might have relapsed. So several texts exchanged with a good friend, a phone call to another and I feel much better today. When I was gambling I wouldn't speak to anyone, just go off into my bubble and not come out until it burst.

How times change and the message that people can change with it. Will they get fed up of me? Am I just too needy and selfish? I hope not cos I don't know what I'd do without them.

Hi mate,

Not quite sure the f**s class as a healthy addiction but it's definitely better than relapsing!

I've realised now as soon I get an urge I just change the current surroundings. Even just getting Up and washing my face means for two minutes I lose the urge and it means I have chance to catch my breath and think about what it would mean to gamble again (falling out with loved ones and concealing things from them, losing time in the day, wasting days of my life, having to start at day 1 again, not to mention losing a shed load of money!) and it means I find a new determination to not gamble.

With the added benefit of being able to talk to someone about your addiction, just make sure you reach out before you gamble. I'm sure your friend won't think of you as needy. They know you have an addiction and it's for them to help you avoid it.

Keep strong and keep in touch

cheers

Stu

Hi there thank you for your post on my diary it was a little while back but I'm not on here to much now but it does mean a lot getting advice and support. Well done for fighting them urges keep batting them away. It's nice that you have friends to call on for support and I wouldn't worry about texting/calling them if there true friends they'll want to be there for you and they'll be glad you choose to text/call them - better than the alternative! Keep it up, urges will come and go but take a deep breath and deal with them appropriately - try telling them to f*** off lol excuse my french. Take care and best wishes to your non gambling future.

Hi Ian

Thanks for the post

Yes can't believe it's been over 2 years when we were posting quite regular , it's such a tough journey that we are making and has your title suggests it is for life no cure its in our systems ready and waiting for the bad days to come along

Now though tis is something we both accept and it now comes down to making the right choices , we are not perfect and no one is so I mistakes will be made it really does come to how we deal with them afterwards

We have to keep trying and that I know we will get through the bad days but more importantly enjoy the good days

Bast wishes as always

Castle2

Hi everyone. It's 02:38. I have to be up for work at 6. I'm wide awake. I've lost the love of my life. Caused by my failure to maintain my level of resistance and admit my recent relapses. More pain caused by gambling and my addictive personality. As I have said many times before. Gambling is not the problem. Gambling is the vehicle which I mostly choose to stop me from totally crashing. The crutch which I use for escape when my negative emotions take hold and I struggle to deal. When I feel that all I can do is run and hide.

I first opened up a diary and made my big break to finally free myself of these chains that've held me prisoner for so long in November 2011.

I have had a number of lapses during that time. Always managing to pick myself up and dust myself down and reapply myself once more. My most recent downfall started itself in April this year. I had to endure the pain of watching someone I loved dearly. My ex partner of 15 years die of cancer. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I would've gladly taken place with her at the time. She was a lovely person mostly, we all have our own faults. I remember her as an angel. Like me, she always wanted to save people and often sacrificed herself in the process. I had a couple of betting sessions around this time but managed to rejoin my change cycle again quickly.

As I was still reeling from this I lost my father in July also from cancer. Very different emotions surrounded his death. We hated each other for so long. He, because he thought I was weak and me because I blamed him for starting me off gambling in the first place. We did make amends and forgive each other before he passed.

Also at this time I had massive support from my beautiful princess. A person who I would do anything for and she me. Our connection is a once in a lifetime happening.

We lived together for a very short while. She was suffering with an illness and I was folding under a weighty burden of loss and responsibility. I just couldn't deal. My gambling and much less frequent heavy drinking took hold. I gambled quite heavily on four occasions during this time. Lying to myself in the process and failing to tell her that it had happened.I've hurt her and let her down beyond reproach. I've been in the denial stage for a while. I am now on Day 5 of my current path to recovery. I know I have to say goodbye to our relationship and my dream of marrying her and making her the happiest woman alive. I regret deeply that I've fallen very short once more. I do hope we can still be close friends and continue giving each other support.

I have put my blocks in place, rejoined some groups, self excluded. I have given my daughter control of my finances until further notice. We have agreed to monitor them closely and she will give me money for what I need when I need it. I'm a lucky father to have such a beautiful and understanding daughter. I am so proud of her.

So life goes on. I am remaining

positive that I can go day by day and apply myself to this fight with the strength and courage that I need.

My name is Ian. I didn't gamble yesterday, I didn't gamble today and I hope and pray to my God that I won't gamble tomorrow. Are my friends still here? Please get in touch. This time I am asking for your help!

Lastly I am not looking for excuses. I've suffered this year but that is no reason for my current predicament. I've brought this on myself through complacency and a total underestimation of how strong the urge to gamble can be. That is that I have succumbed and feel very guilty about it but I will endeavour to forgive myself.

Love to all.

Ian xxx

Morning Ian

As always I admire your open and honesty with your post , firstly my deepest sympathies for your losses that was tough to deal with and fully understand your reasons for gambling ,we are only human and sometimes we have to find a way of dealing with life , for us that's our way I have no doubt I would have took that path , for me I look at your strenghth and am inspired many people would have given up but you didn't and for that be proud

We have very similar views of gambling and our recovery , your title says it all in lifer , this is for life there's no beating it but we can make sure that we don't let it beat us and that's exactly what you have done and survived it , you have shown all your knowledge and experience tools you have picked up over your years with this forum , sharing your experiences and giving great advice to people like myself , again something to be proud about

One day at a time and enjoy that day sometimes that's all we can do , the strength will start to build again and see life more clearly , when the lows come again deal with them the best you can if relapses occur again you have everything you need to deal with it

This site is always here for you to use as little or as much as you need , I wish you well Ian you have had a tough year but you showed your strength and character and deserve for life to get better

Whatever happens I know you will be ok , keep fighting the fight

Castle2

Thank you Castle for your kind words. I won't be leaving here again and will make my posts regularly as well as helping others once more. I look forward to maintaining our friendship and mutual respect. When you lose respect for yourself it is all important.

Thanks again.

Ian

Hi Ian,

I have only been on this forum for 6 months, so I have not followed your recovery, but welcome back.

Well done for not giving up giving up.

I wish you all the very best on your continued journey of recovery.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Thank you Sandra and Suzanne. I will read and post on your diaries as soon as I can xx

Hello old friend,

Just been catching up on your diary, sorry to hear you have really been through some tough times.

Together us compulsive gamblers are stronger, fight on we shall, I will post a good tune soon to start the week.

Paulds

Mr B

Fella I hope you again find therapy through the forum.

You had a profound effect on my own recovery,getting the ball rolling on speaking in the 3d form to many others authors of the forum,for it I will be ever thankful.

Take care of yourself

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs. We will have to meet up one day. You're a good egg 🙂 Will text ya later.

Well day 6. Ah balls to that. I'm not gonna bother counting. Doesn't do you any good.

Really busy day at work today. Had friends for tea last night. Told em all that my problem has returned. Nobody judged. Just said go on Ian you can do it. Pleased me greatly.

Gonna have to catch up with some household chores tomorrow. Two days off before a block of late shifts. Normality has returned. As some of you know my normal is high as a kite lol.

Not much to say but keep out those demons.

So I will tell a joke.

My friend went to see his GP. Said he's addicted to buying raffle tickets. Doc diagnosed him with that deadly virus T*****a. 🙂

Question. This woman is breaking my heart. Do I let her go or do I hope for her to love me again. She says she just wants to be friends. I bought her a new phone today. She had the audacity to complain that it was only 16gb. It's a brand new iPhone. Is she using me? Answers on my thread please!!!

I return home from work tonight after a really difficult day. I have a job which can sometimes be very distressing. Don't get me wrong I love it at times, it can be very rewarding.

Tonight I was nearly sick to my stomach. After what I've seen and heard I could do with a stiff drink. My thoughts tonight are. 1: I don't know I'm born 2: why do I think I'm hard done by 3: I am so selfish 4: my problems are completely overexaggerated.

i will always try to remember today. 8 days in and no thoughts except these are the things that spur me on. I intend to live my life to its full potential

I'm so bothered about a gambling problem and whether a woman lovese or not. Who gives a flying fk? I certainly don't ...

Mr B

fella material things don't count for much in my life today,fella the truth for me is if I can use what I have to bring a little joy to the world then I am made up.

We will meet up my friend,I know we have a connection,one I am very proud of.

Fella keep doing what you want to,as you to are a good egg!!!

Be kind to yourself,most of all look after yourself.

Duncs stepping forward never back