Lifer

I want to go to heaven so I've decided to be a good boy and behave myself. Reached 10 days. Had a massive urge yesterday before work but simply kept myself busy until time healed me. If I stop moving and sit down then I'm doomed. This only happens when I'm alone. You can be with some people and still feel alone. Life carries on. Stairway to the stairs not a spiral to the depths of hell. Small steps.

Happy peaceful Sunday to all 🙂

Hi AN, lovely post and i like the idea of the stairway steps instead of the hell hole. This addiction is pure evil, but it is what it is and we can trick it the way it tricks us. Payback time!!! Lol..(am in a fighting spirit i must add). Keep up good work and carry on the positive and bright side of life. You're worth it 🙂 take care and stay safe. Sandra x

22 days today. Clean and bright

Good evening. I haven't posted much cos I haven't felt the need or any urgency. A relaxed state apparent. Today marked 31 days, no gambling for me. I have only had one day where I had to fight. I guess I'm lucky. That hasn't always been the case. I was able to go into town with my daughter with nothing else on my mind but buying some lovely presents for my 82 year old Mums birthday. This was a good feeling. The anxieties which I was feeling we're not present. This strangely represents to me the end of a dysfunctional relationship with my ex partner. I have come to the conclusion that when I am in a relationship I become clearly either obsessed with that person or bored. There is no in between. That sort of sums up my life. All or nothing. Obsession increases my tendency to gamble. Boredom does too. My depression starts after the gamble, self loathing and thoughts of helplessness. I am working on maintaining a middle with a professional. I understand myself but sometimes it's difficult. I have bad days like everyone else. B All I can say is if I stay away from the ladies and remain single I have a better chance at being gamble free. Does anyone relate?

Goodnight good people.

Ian xx

i can relate to the women situation, All or nothing, Love or hate. Fact is life isnt like that. The gambling disease wants the all or nothing approach because sometimes it will result in the nothing outcome and it can justify a bet

Mr.B

fella my phone beeped at silly o'clock and a huge smile was gifted.

Thanks fella,you have had a profound effect on my recovery,one you won't ever fully understand,you got me to challenge myself,to learn to respect my failings and find ways to counter the negative things in my life with joyess things.

It is great to have you present again,seems you like me have a gung ho approach to life,like many folk affected by the compulsion to gamble.Harness the good that being compelled can gift.

As for the relationship issues I am afraid I don't hold any answers there,I have been foolishly in love with the same women all my adult life,a relationship I very nearly gambled away,something I am extremely glad I did not.

Keep making the right choice my dear friend,maybe 2015 will be the year to forfill that promise,to stand on the first tee somewhere side by side,simply enjoying life.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

http://youtu.be/wWUC2-ypnD

Hey there,

Just been reading through your diary, one point that comes over again and again is when you emphasise that gambling is not the cause of the problem but rather a symptom.
Living with an addictive personality is hell it is always all or nothing on so many parts of our lives, gambling, booze, f**s, women. I haven't been to gA in a while, but I remember one guy there saying giving up gambling was the easy part, the difficult part was changing his personality, changing who he was.
Gotta hang in there keep fighting, ain't no other way. Keep movin on up.

Paulds

I write tonight from the happiest place I've been in my life for a long while. I sit in alone. That's how I prefer it. I have a tv but I don't watch it. I prefer to listen to my tunes. I trawl through old photographs. I smile. These are my memories. Some of the people in them are no longer alive. I remember their spirit and what made them tick tock. I am reminded of what they told me. They were so right.

Time has come. Finally I feel safe being on my own. I no longer yearn for constant company. Yes I still socialise but not with the crazy urgency that once drove me. Anyone who really knows me, one person in particular can tell you all about my craziness. High as a kite one minute, under the floorboards the next. Well I ain't doing that anymore. I'm happy in the middle lane I've found. Cruising at my own pace which can only be described as slow. I've always loved excitement, I've been a selfish t**t sometimes, well most of the time. I owe more than an apology to some.

Time is the only answer that I've found. If you take all of your positives and mix it with a little patience then over time we can recover properly. I've studied my own illness to the point of no return. Ive helped others to understand theirs. This helped me in the first instance but no longer serves me. Being me wasn't an easy find for me but it was the choice I had to take because I would rather burn in hell than take this to the grave with me.

So my positives are. Good job which I enjoy. Decent salary, Only 33 months of my IVA left to go. Great family and friends to turn too. Nice house, pleasant area. Enough music and books to keep anyone happy. Food on the table every day. Just what have I got to be unhappy about? Not much. loneliness is no longer an issue, I'm not on pills anymore. I see a counsellor who has helped me so much. Better the one I had. No shame, no guilt, pain gets dealt with well. Problems don't get the better of me. No longer make molehills into mountains.

Negatives.

Tonight I can't think of anything I would change.

Michele and Dad. This is for you. Thank you for guiding me.

Jayne, you were right. Yea I finally stopped beating myself up. I wish you were here but I know you can see. I feel your smile.

Karen, I'm so sorry. I let you down badly. Please forgive me. You are a shining light.

George, my wonderful baby. You are and always will be the apple of Dad's eye.

My fellow carers Duncs, Paulds, Rach, Castle to name a few. You have helped me enormously.

I know what you're thinking. Running before I can walk again. Not this time. I'm sure it's finally over. You've helped me in my recovery. I thank you. I started this journey on November 2011. Three years later. The chains that bound me have been broken. A shame that the deaths of very significant others made me realise and release. That I had to wait for that. But the visits I've had have made me believe there is something more to this life than betting it away. I cling for it. The life that is so precious. You just don't know when it's your turn. I'm just happy to be alive and well. Self obsessed no longer. The worm has turned. Desires, lust, sin, greed, impatience and jealousy. They no longer define me.

Man flies through the air like a bird, swims through the ocean like a fish. It's time he walked the earth like a Man.

Over and out.

Ian xxx

Yo,

Good to hear , you sound at peace.

Long may it continue 🙂

Shiny xx

Today marks 40 days for me. Noahs ark springs to mind. I'm not counting but it is easy to work it out by looking back at that awful day. I've a few days off work now. A day of relaxing today. Ive not even got dressed lol. Tomorrow I'm gonna get the rest of my Christmas shopping done. Then i can plough myself into work again until the new year. Safe in the knowledge that I don't have to worry or panic about anything. I'm gonna take myself on a nice little holiday in the new year.

Peaceful easy feeling by The Eagles is today's song.

Againstnature xx

Hi AN,

Thank you for your supportive post and can't believe you went through my diary. That must of been some reading to do lol..my rambles just are never ending.

Well done on your continued journey and you are sounding in a good place at the moment. Rest is definitely important to our well being and some time off is necessary for all of us. Hope xmas shopping went as planned and you are feeling better for it.

Keep up the good work, keep writing all your thoughts down..on here or in them poems you write. Would be interesting to hear them.

Take care and look after yourself.

Sandra x

Morning ian

Thanks for the post once again very wise words , the real positive for us both is we will never fully go back to where we come from we have too much knowledge that play to our strengths , yes they are going to be some tough times but that's life and I agree it's just finding a way of dealing with it when we get that feeling a relapse is going to happen

Lots for you to look forward to next year and I think that's a great to focus on getting xmas out of the way is a tough one for lots of us but that new year gives us hope for the future

Keep fighting the fight together onwards and uowards

Castle2

Thank you Sandra and Castle for your kind words. I am a prolific reader and writer. My poems are not good enough to post and sometimes the height of self loathing within has really upset a few. But I wrote what I felt then and now I write extrely positive poetry so I might just air it here.

Well all of my Christmas shopping is completed. I can remember when I used to go up in town to buy presents and get nothing but a pocketful of losing betting slips. I've not even thought about it once. Just a lot of careful thinking about the gifts I've bought. The people I love will clearly know that I listen to them, understand them and care greatly. Selfish t****r no longer.

Had some friends over for tea. One thing is apparent. I'm a very good cook. I love making things from scratch. They all went home with their bellies full too. Great conversation too. I really enjoy being host. Maybe we should start making it regular. One friend even suggested I should cook for a living after I retire from my service in 7 years time.

Later I even watched some meaningless sh ite on the tv. Now that's certainly not me lol.

Last day off tomorrow before returning to work. My plan is to get my place cleaned up to a high standard. I have a counselling appointment with lovely Lisa my counsellor. She needs to watch herself lol. No, seriously she is way too clever for me. She's helped me lots. I'm looking forward to further forward thinking. I've found my centre with her help. I do worry that I might just have to need her for life. But we are in early days. She seems to be very confident that I can maintain this middle and that makes me smile wide.

Tomorrow night I am gonna treat myself to a meal and a few beers at the pub. Alone with my thoughts.

Goodnight and sleep well lovely people xxx

Hi Ian,

Thank you for your posts..got it as a rap tune in a background and sounds quite cool lol..

Really pleased to see you are feeling strong and moving on in this journey.

Yes, gambling takes worse than money away and i guess we both know where that leads us. Recovery is something great. Not easy, with slips and falls but in a nutshell it is a great place where we keep getting back up and trying again. It has no meter ticking and we all do it in our own time.

It brings life back and i think we all deserve that another shot in life.

I am really happy to see you enjoying your days and truly hope getting back into work routine will be as smooth as possible.

Take care and keep winning.
Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Ian,

Thank you for your lovely words on my diary.

This addiction is hidiously dangerous and it has many disguises.

You are doing great on 42 days.

Enjoy your beers tonight.

Suzanne xx