Lifer

Great counselling session today. Not looking forward to what's next though. Several visits to my past to hopefully find out what sometimes makes me so eager to put others needs before my own. But as I said I really believe in my professionals expertise. So will be pushing forwards.

Enjoyed some tea and a couple of lagers at the pub and then watched a full season of the walking dead with my lovely daughter.

Still wide awake so a post on here and then gonna wrap some more presents until I fell tired enough to hopefully get some much needed sleep before my block of four late shifts starts tomorrow.

It's been an ok week and I'm remaining hopeful that things will continue to improve slowly. Overnight results are not expected anymore. Time to heal and commitment to the cause. The battle continues. Things can only get better.

Goodnight xx

Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured.?

Nietzsche

Think we all know the answer to that one. Great quote though.

Yo,

Thank you for your post. You really do seem to be getting to grips with your demons. Good on ya !

Shiny xx

Good evening. I never got to work today. The painfully sad news of the death of someone close yet again. Very sudden and unexpected. How long is this going to go on. This has been one hell of a year. Where will it end? I'm drunk now. I could think of worse ways to respond. Anyway I have to go back to work tomorrow so need to get some sort of sleep. Feel sick as a dog. This is the devils work. Shell shocked.

Hi AN,

So sorry to hear about your loss. Thoughts are with you.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra.

Only way to deal was throw myself into work which I've done for the last two days. Another day to go then some time to think and relax. I can't believe this will be my fourth funeral this year. I had several urges to gamble today before my late shift. I fought them off and feel like I'm much better off emotionally as a consequence. I'm gonna plan some stuff to fill my days off because I know I'm at risk. This is for me now and my future.

Goodnight xx

Hi AN,

Sorry to read about your loss,

Stay strong focused and as Sandra says be kind to yourself.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xx

Well I had a good day at work. Everything went fine. I've come home and realised I have a headache. Quite a bad one. I think I can't live without painkillers. I always get headaches when I don't cave in to my addictions.

I also feel massive loneliness tonight. I don't know whether this is because of my most recent loss. But after so long of feeling comfortable with being on my own, tonight I would love some female company. Women are another of my weaknesses. I need to stay strong as tomorrow is another day.

Plan to go to the cinema tomorrow to see that movie about the life of Stephen Hawking. Looks really good. On my own of course. Wednesday night I'm off to a concert. Keeping busy and ignoring the headaches the best I can seems to help. My life is a total mess again it seems. Just as it was safe then the monsters come out to play. I need to gather my thoughts and not do anything hasty or silly and knock myself backwards again.

Well more painkillers and possibly a sleeping tablet. It's not feeling much like Christmas is coming at all. Hopefully I will pick up again soon. God I miss my loved ones so much. It would've been better to take me instead.

Ian

f***k it! Life's s***t then you die. I've had about as much as I can take. No gambling, no drinking, no s*x. I have 200 f**s to smoke. Maybe I will kill myself slowly with those. Keeping busy so you don't crack is one thing but what do you do when you're absolutely exhausted?

Answers on a f*g packet please.

Sorry for my negative post but this is how I feel.

Hi AN,

Just logged in and read your post, little steps, don't give everything up especially at the same time, concentrate on your recovery other stuff will follow, be kind to yourself because you are worth it. Rome was not built in a day,

Sending you positive vibes.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne.

I am gonna be hibernating for a while. Hopefully I'll return more positive x

Hey AN,

This is your diary and your recovery, do whatever helps to abstain from this hidiously addiction, this forum is here to help you, use your diary to the fullest to vent your feelings whether negative or positive, we are all in the same boat.

If your hibernating, do you want me to send you a lighter for your cigs lol

Seriously do what you have yo do, use every barrier and every form you can to keep abstaining, no one will mind you posting on theirs diary, we all are in the same boat,

Suzanne xx

Tonight time comes undone

As I lay this weary head

Soundly sleep envelope me

Shadows no longer seen

Magic hands ease the pain

Love is only a word

Friends are few and far between

Loyalty and trust absurd

Desert island dreams

Morning awakens winter cold

Healthy breakfast blooms

My favourite rollercoaster

Halts in the middle room

Survives cut and thrust

Guillotine courtesy calls

Laughing cavalier clay

Mr. Music man stereo

Lifts the gloom below

Shifting hours swim slow

Righteous path glistens clear

Creatures in the pool

Nightfall returns full circle

Whispers in the dark regrets

The song becomes the dream

Flickering candles wither

Pillow talk blinds eyes

Rainbow clouds trophy

Lifer prison screams

Belief beggars beyond

Reality bites deep

Sharpened dirty teeth grip

Past present future days

Mirror image coughs up phlegm

World revenge order decade

Personal thoughts collide within

God shakes Satan fingers

No weapons heaven bliss

Dirty deals hell flames

Cauterised wounds scab red

Long goodbyes behind walls

Halo Saint believes

Until faces echo again

Oh back then you were something else, like the bolts from a lightning storm

Overhead the blackened skies hung down from the weight of the world

Oh and when that rain came down, and it filled up our empty mouths

Oh when I screamed for you but you were nowhere to be found

Oh there was fire that night and it lit up the skies like a glow

Oh and it burned our eyes, I wanted to so much just to be with you alone

But that's when the sun came up and it seemed angry as it looked down

I knew that I'd probably miss you like I miss you now

Oh how much times gone by and how little we have learned

Although we keep pining for the love we're convinced we've earned

But nothing can give back what the fire has burned to the ground

Oh I wish I didn't miss you like I miss you now