Lifer

Went to a gig tonight alone. My new addiction.

Today is 51 days since my last bet. Just come home from a long shift. Relaxing with a small JD and coke. Feet up, music on. Gonna write a few cards out tonight and plan my weekend off. Feeling more positive again. I have a funeral to attend next week. Hoping my spirit holds up. I have booked my next counselling session for a day after.

Over and out

A.N

Morning Ian

Thanks for your message, x

52 days today and feeling more positive that's great to read.

Sorry to read about your bereavement, but I know you will stay strong and keep your spirits up because that is the only way forward.

Keeping busy is a big key, and that's not hard just before Xmas.(she says lol).

Have a great gambling free weekend starving it.

Suzanne xx

Well where did that weekend go? Up at 6 for work in morning. After a personal setback I feel like I'm fully back on track.

I survived a little urge yesterday. I believe the trigger was a dream I had, maybe it was more like my a nightmare. Anyway I called a friend. Turned up within the hour and comforted me. I am eternally grateful. Goodnight good people.

Ian xx

Thanks NT. Yes I am very lucky to have such a close and understanding friend. I give back whenever I can. It is great to just ring and say I'm struggling. For someone to care enough about me to be there. Yeah thanks NT. You may have just made me realise something.

Morning Ian

55 days is a great achievement somewhere where I think a lot of us would like to be myself inc , don't underestimate those days the importance of getting that head clear is crucial to keep stepping forward , and you are doing just that

Castle2

Hi AN,

Good to see you marching on and winning the fight with every passing day. Friends are important in life, there is only few true ones we can have and sounds like you have one to walk alongside you on good and bad.

Keep doing what you doing and keep moving forward. Life is for living and too short for regrets.

Have a lovely Christmas and look after yourself

Sandra xxx

Well I just got all the presents wrapped up. A major anxiety out of the way with no dramas lol. Just off to my nephews for a couple of light drinks. Had quite a lot last night with a friend. It is Christmas after all.

Think I shall be signing off now for a while. Have a Happy Christmas everyone and a great new year.

Ian xxx

Well I did say I would be signing off now for a while. Down on page 10, last post 20/12.

On Boxing Day I had a bet. I was with my family having a few drinks. I thought f***k it. I'm gonna enjoy myself. King George Day. Spent 20 on a trixie. You guessed. All three came in. Almost 1k.

Back to my nightmare. Did all that with full knowledge and approval of my folks. They said that's the way keep it simple. Before I knew it I was off in secret again. Lost the lot and more over the next couple of weeks.

I've decided now that the only way forward for me is admit what I am. I am a gambler. I was born that way. I can't change that. I've tried everything. It's impossible.

So. I'm gonna allow myself a bet now and again in the company of my friends and family and make it known. the way forward is to not gamble in secret. I know gambling is a mugs game. I don't expect to win if it's just a bit of fun. Gbling in secret is what's wrong. I will feel ashamed or guilty no more for being who I am. I will put the past hurt behind me. I will be open and honest about who I am and what doing. No more secrets or lies. Total honesty without fear.

I say goodbye now. I know this won't be popular. I'll be either back in a year to tell you how I got on or won't be here at all.

Goodnight and goodbye.

Bumping you up mate, how has your year been?

Hope you are looking out for yourself and walking the line.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FyS12e4-zTs

Paulds

Hi all. Thanks paulds.

Well I said I would be back after a year. A lot has happened. Ups and downs of life.

As for the gambling. I gambled yesterday. £10. I have kept a diary of my betting over this year. I've gambled on 25 occasions. To me I'm doing very well. Admitting that I'm an addict and fighting it each day has helped tremendously. Shane, guilt, blame is what keeps my cycle going. Sometimes I'll go around 20 days without even thinking about then I let some steam off. I remain committed to finding myself and the best ways to which I can function as me. Things are going ok but could be better. People tend to come here when they've done their stack and can't take any more and need help . I'm just here cos I'm a loser. Full stop. But I don't seem to mind that as much anymore.

AN

Had a lovely day today. On days like today the thought never even crosses my mind. Lunch and Cinema with my daughter then a couple of hours with Mum to take presents and cards. The value of family is something that people take for granted. After disowning me when I was at my worst they now offer their support and are consistent with their advice to be who you are. Nice.

Ian