Living with my biggest mistake

Thanks, SB, I appreciate the thoughts. Be belated response, sorry, I only really come onto me own diary for irregular check ins.

Checking in day 239 GF.

Nothing significant to report. Life continues on in "lockdown" which sounds a lot worse than it is. Is a little repetitive without the ability to go out and see people and do things but that is a fairly small complaint compared to the issues some people are having to deal with. Trying to keep myself busy in the evenings and weekends with small projects - I am ok as long as I go to bed having achieved something, does not have to be significant.

Not having any urges to gamble which is good but not unusual for me. History of the last couple of years tells me I can go long periods within any real urge to gamble but if I do start it will be a big problem. I don't have any sneaky ideas of how I could get around Gamstop and gamble hidden in the back of my mind so for now I remain cautiously optimistic.

Muststop123   

Checking in day 273GF.

Again, not much to say on the gambling front. I am physically unable to gamble and that seems to finally have got through my dense head so I don't have any urges to gamble. Guess the question is, would I gamble if I could and the question is probably yes, eventually, I would have a moment of weakness/madness and would start the downward spiral again. Answer is obviously not to allow myself any chances to gamble. 

273GF days is a interesting number of days for me as both my previously relapses came after my last post on here reported 300GF so I am heading towards peak danger time if my history tells me anything. I should be worried but I am not which should probably worry me even more. Complacency I guess. 

Life is generally as good as it can in the current situation. Still working from home and have wife and son in house. We are still maintaining fairly strong lockdown practices (basically the very minimum outside contact we can get away with) as my wife has some underlying medical issues which means we can't take any unnecessary risks. The fact we are still talking (and she has not had to banish me to the shed) after me hanging around the house 24/7 for 10 weeks is of a bigger surprise to no-one but me:)  

Muststop123

So 300 days GF. Perhaps it should not matter really, the number of days, but I have a bit of history with 300 days as both my relapses came after approximately this point. I posted on here, all pleased with myself that I had hit 300 days only to come back on here with my very next post a few weeks later ashamed and disappointed with myself.

I have learnt from those two episodes and believe I have the right physical blocks and mental tools to stop myself from gambling again but I honestly thought I was never going to gamble again the other two times so I have to tell myself frequently that this is a forever thing that I am going to have to control for the rest of my life.

I have not really had any significant urges to gamble over the last 300 days or so. I did have a very short episode of searching for online casinos not on Gamstop but this ended fairly quickly when I realised how bad these casinos were and how unlikely it was that I would see any winnings even in the very unlikely scenario of me trying to walk away while I still had money in my account. Plus I had no method of funding the accounts. I take it as a bit of a positive that I could be rational enough to decide that these casinos were not worth the risk as it shows some self control but is also a bit of a worry – what would I have done if they looked ok to me? Honest answer is probably start working out how I could somehow find the funds to gamble. The Time- Location- Money triangle is a powerful tool but I need to keep it strong.

I continue to come on here most days and post occasionally on other diaries/entries but still feel awkward giving advice when I have failed to take my own advice. I guess if the only people giving advice were those who had been GF for 5 years or more then this forum would be pretty quiet.

One of the positive things that has come out of this experience is a better appreciation of many of the things I probably took too much for granted – my family, health and happiness. I now often look around and scare myself with what I was risking losing.

Not entirely sure why but am feeling a bit anxious today thinking about gambling. Not sure if it is because I have built up this idea of 300 days being important or because I am writing this post. It is not an actual worry that I am going to gamble so not entirely sure what that is all about. Hopefully it will pass.

Trying not to get ahead of myself but really think if I can get another month or two under my belt I can finally start to feel I have progressed after a couple of false starts.

Take care all

Muststop123

Yes you have built the 300 days as a failure point maybe for you you should stop counting/ or change to weeks or months. For me this post is informative positive open and honest. As gamblers we lie and deceive as recovering gamblers we try to be if not totally truthful predominantly so. I'm enjoying not lying etc etc. You are being honest with us and yourself(which is far more important) . Say it.... You are scared of failing again. Say it ..ownit....let the anxiety out and then draw on the things that have got you this far again . I'm looking forward to you posting in 30 days time you'll be 330 days and by then I'll be coming up to 60. ,how awesome will that be. With best wishes.

Hi Charlieboy

Thanks for the reply.

Think you have hit the nail on the head. I just need to accept I am scared that I will fail again however much I don't really want to admit it. I think the lack of self control that gambling causes in me is one of the most difficult things for me to accept. I feel pretty much in control of most aspects of my life and don't really like the way I become so irrational when I gamble.

I have no way of gambling or access to funds to gamble so I am just going to forget about days and weeks for a while and stop creating an issue that does not really exist just because of a random number of days.

Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing you hit your 60 days. (not that I am focusing on days anymore!!)

Take care

Muststop123

Ty muststop and I agree with what you're saying. Like you I don't have access to funds etc. Guess we still get the guilty feelings, I know I do but I'm not as far into recovery as you are. Take some positivity from you inspiring me to carry on stay GF stay mentally well. When I read posts that people like yourself are really doing it it affects me in a really good way

So given up counting the days for a while and deliberately not looking at my profile so I don't see them on there but have had no urges to gamble whatsoever during this period I was most worried about.

Pleased about that because the current situation could have created a bit of a perfect storm - extra time available as I am not going out much, working at home so sat in home office on my own for long periods of time and a slight general low feeling as everything seems to be a bit on hold at the moment and I can't really plan anything. Previously I could have quite easily seen myself using it as an excuse to put a bit of excitement back into my life and gamble. Not this time, not even had any late night thoughts about it. 

Muststop123 

Still gamble free but been a bit stupid the last couple of nights.

Used a demo game of one of the slot games I had the biggest problem with. Played a bit, won a bit (virtually of course), increased the stakes until I inevitably lost. Told myself that as it is not real money then my behaviour of just playing until I lost the initial "credit" was normal behaviour. Was quite happy just to switch it off after I ran out of credit as obviously no feelings of needing to chase any losses as there weren't any.  

I know this is not a good idea and need to stop. Need to start my routine again of leaving all phones/tablets downstairs when I go to bed as last thing at night is my worst time. Unfortunately Gamstop cannot not stop me playing demos of games that are not on actual online casino sites.  

I am pretty sure my trigger for this is boredom. Life has become a bit humdrum in terms of working from home all day, going for an hours exercise, having dinner, watching tv, going to bed, repeat. I have a lot of time to think at the moment, rather than do, which is not a good thing for me. Most of my activities outside the house have been disrupted or cancelled by Covid19. I appreciate it is fairly pathetic to use the excuse of "I'm bored" to excuse myself for playing around the edges of gambling again but it is the truth.

So practical measures are to remove the ability to go online late at night and think of some things I can achieve during this period. Current suggestion is I could be working from home for several months yet so unless I change my mindset/behaviour then nothing else will change.

Muststop123 

Hi muststop. It's a difficult one this isn't it I play a lot of games to pass the time in the evening. I went on my husband's (fake money) poker game. The poker didn't bother me but there's a slot on there, I found myself getting excited about winning fake money !! Familiar feeling scared me, so for me it's going to be a NO for those games I don't want to feed my addictive brain !! When I go to GA next week I'm going to ask about this . The other thing is on these fake games you can use real money to buy fake money.....what a con but ultimately that would count as gambling? Anyway I understand where you are coming from its boredom with me too in the evening. School hols and so limited as to what we can do normally by now would have taken my 15yr old son bowling ,play pool, cinema( if he still wants to do this with his mum !!) Well done with maintaining gamble free and what I think is you have recognised that what you've been doing has the potential to be a problem so that's really positive. I recognised that my uncomfortable feelings about a fake slot was a good thing. Muststop we are learning !! Best wishes

Hi Charlieboy

Thanks for that. Agree these demo games do start to recreate some of the feelings I had when gambling so I definitely do need to stay away from them. The fact I was doing it secretly proved to me that I knew it was wrong to be playing on them - if something feels wrong, it probably is!

Hope you get to do some fun things with your son during the school holidays - you may have to be a bit more inventive with ideas - I am sure he will just enjoy spending time with you. 

Take care

Muststop123

I really feel for you! Your story is mine, I’m 80 days gamble free so far! Your story is one that will, in one way or another resolute with most people on here! I have to say the hardest but best thing to do is speak with your wife and be open and honest! She will be mad, of course she will! If you don’t the self loathing will still be there and it will torment you until she ends up finding out anyway! If you open up to her and tell the truth at least you can put your side across before it comes out in a much worse way and she feels as if she’s been lied to or kept in the dark! 
I believe coming clean about losses is really the only way you can stop the feelings of needing to gain back what you’ve lost! It’s hard, I nearly lost my husband, my home and my life because I got to the point where suicide was a more viable option to me then telling my partner what I had done! 
I wish you all the best jadie 

Posted by: Muststop123

Never really gambled much in the past. Lottery, small bets (£2-5) on world cup/euro football for a bit of fun at home and few small bets at the horses. All completely in the open, with my family and with wife’s full knowledge and usually participation.

I started using online gambling when the French tennis open was on this year. Got hooked in with a free bet offer which I managed to gamble up to about £100 gambling really cautiously on low odd sports bets. Then I saw roulette on the site and thought it looked like fun and given the £100 was “free” money did not see the harm. Only betting a £1 a go but soon started winning a bit and started doubling my bets when I lost – thought I was really clever. As I was up a few £100s I started betting higher amounts upto £25 a spin but it was never a problem because I kept winning. Got upto about £2700 after about a week and told myself I would round it off to £3000, withdraw it and tell my wife how clever/lucky I had been and take her on a holiday with the cash. I was really impressed with myself. Then the losing started and did what everyone does and tried to chase my losses until I was placing bets of £200-£300. Lost it all and felt really stupid but told myself I had not really lost anything as it had never actually been in my bank account so just a lesson in life and try and forget about it.

Then the problems started. I convinced myself that if I had won once, I could do it again, so started with £100 and lost it all so convinced myself that I needed a bigger stake to deal with small losing streaks so started depositing £250 a go and then £500. Lost it all. Now I was £2000 down which I thought I might be able to cover without my wife knowing, maybe sell a few things. But of course I wanted our £2000 back so I carried gambling and somehow managed to get almost back to £2000 but blew it all again. Kept going and started using our joint savings. By this stage it made me feel sick just playing the game but I was desperate to win our money back before anyone noticed. Of course I did not and I ended up £4000 down. Managed to stop and convinced myself I could somehow hide the £2000 I had taken out of our savings if I could put a bit more away for the next six months or so. After being physically sick in the car park at work after losing more money playing at lunchtime I figured I was done.

Roll forward a month and I started on the roulette and on-line slots again. Had a bit of luck and actually won about £3500 which would have put me virtually back where I was. I was so happy. The dark thoughts and unhappiness lifted and I just thought about how incredibly lucky I had been to be given a second chance and an opportunity to put it all behind me as a huge stupid mistake. It was like a lottery win. Two weekends ago I lost it all and more. I spent the whole of Saturday night/Sunday morning until 6.00am in the spare room (said I had a cold and did not want to keep my wife awake with coughing) trying to win back our money. Got within a couple of £100s and instead of just accepting a small loss, tried to get it all back and lost it all.

I understand I am lucky that this is not debt like many others have incurred but it still something I need to deal with. At the moment I am trying to carry on as if nothing has happened, going to work and doing the normal things couples do all the time but inside it is all I can think about and keep bursting into tears whenever I am on my own – pretty pathetic for a 48 year man and definitely not normal behaviour for me. I have a fairly responsible job and I think most people who know me would consider me a fairly cautious and sensible person, I am not a normal risk taker in any other part of my life, which makes my behaviour even more out of character and probably difficult for my wife to understand.

I have now lost £5000 of our savings which I have no way of recouping. I have self excluded myself from the sites I was using and given it made me feel sick using them I don’t have any desire to gamble anymore. The last 4 months just seem to have been a bit of a blur with a completely separate gambling life going on alongside what appears to be a normal one. My wife is unlikely to find out in the short term but she might notice at some point whether it is next week or next month or next year.

At the moment I am just carrying on smiling and pretending everything is fine and planning things for the future together (even holidays!), whilst feeling sick and like a fraud the whole time. I am struggling to sleep and as soon as I wake up the first thing that comes into my mind is what I have done and it does not leave me all day. Last night my son came to me and said he wanted to start up a hobby we used to enjoy together and instead of being really happy I felt like breaking down at the thought of where I was going to find the money which would never have been a problem just 4 months ago. Ended up going for a walk in the dark just so no-one would see how I was emotionally and when a car went past at speed, just for split second, thought how it might not be so bad if the driver had lost control and hit me. Cowardly, I know, and not something I am going to dwell on. Came back in and son is watching a comedy on tv so I sit down with him and laugh along as if nothing is wrong and I am not completely f*****g (sorry) up a great life.

I know the right thing is to tell my wife but the shame and fear of how she might react is stopping me. Obviously if she finds out herself it will be even worse. Even though I know I am making the wrong decision not telling her I tell myself that telling her will definitely have bad outcomes whereas not telling her I might just possibly get away with it – childish logic.

Not sure if I consider myself a compulsive gambler (is that a potential problem?) as I have no desire to gamble in any way but it has only been 9 days. Guess if I get the desire again then I really have a problem.

Really sorry for length of post and thanks if anyone actually got to the end. I think I just needed to get it all out.

I will keep this diary going so I can keep my thoughts in some way straight. Even writing some of the above has got a few things a bit clearer in my mind.

Oh my god! I understand you soo much!!! I also started with a lottery ticket. However, the lottery wasn't interesting enough for me so I decided to try sports bets. I was betting for 3 months but there weren't many interesting matches with good rates and I have started losing interest in it. Unhopefully, my friend Jhon told me that he won £340 at the online casino slots and I decide to try it too. I started searching for slot sites and found this website:  After that the biggest mistake of my life has begun and I started taking payday loans and losing all my savings. I even sold my car and moved to a flat from the house. Now even my son Ban doesn't want to talk to me or meet up with me. So, don't follow my mistakes. STOP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!! for God's sake... 

Still GF and ignoring the number of days.

Not been anywhere near any demo games which is good.

Life still running at a slower pace than I like due to circumstances within the country. Think this is the same for many and I am not going to use it as an excuse to do something stupid. Going to write some "To do" lists today for work and home activities and start ticking things off. I get annoyed with myself if I get to the end of a day and I have not achieved anything tangible - think this might be why most of my gambling always took place last thing at night.

Muststop123

Quick update.

Just checked and I am now 397 days GF. I stopped counting previously as I started to feel I was focusing on 9 or 10 months GF as being potential failure point due to previous experiences.

Have been away from this forum for a while as I was starting to feel that the only time I actually thought about gambling was while I was on the site and this has worked as I can honestly say I have have had almost no thoughts of gambling for the past couple of months. No urges to go on demo sites or how I could get around any blocks. Still get a sickening taste in my month every time I see a gambling advert on television - even the ones trying to promote their safeguarding policies somehow offend me.  

Trying to keep busy in these weird times is more difficult as holidays and many activities are curtailed but am getting on with a few projects around the house and starting to play a bit more golf which is ideal as it is outdoors and easy to stay away from other people. 

Obviously all blocks remain and will need to forever. I think my 5 year Gamstop exclusion started about a year ago so I will need to update that in a couple of years so I never get within striking distance of being able to cancel it.

Unfortunately coming back onto this site has reminded me of the continuous flow of new posters with their own issues and problems. Each one is an individual story yet all feel so alike in some ways. 

Best wishes and strength to everyone on here.

Muststop123