Hi all,
I will be using this as a daily update to my progress on hopefully beating the demons we all suffer.
Thursday of last week was the darkest day, ended up in hospital after it all got too much and i decided to attempt to take my own life. Like all my attempts at gambling i failed here as well. Im in a lot of mess finacially/emotionally and hope somewhere in the future i can maybe look back and say thursday 29th september was the start and not the end of my life.
I have a strong partner who i don't deserve in all honesty, she has been a rock these last few days in front of me but i can see the hurt and pain its causing her. This just makes me feel like a absolute fool that ive not been the partner she has needed and not the dad to my 3 kids that they have needed as well.
Thursday was a nightmare, in debt i stupidly took a risk i had avoided all my working life, i crossed the line in regards to how i obtained money to try and gamble my way out of trouble, already at rock bottom before this I left myself in my mind with little choice but to try and leave this world. As mentioned i failed, and spent friday and most of saturday in hospital.
Returning home on saturday was a stark reminder of the life i was leaving, how have i allowed myself to be everything i had promised i would not be, a bad parent. My 2 youngest tucked up in bed oblivous to what i had tried, my eldest giving his ps4 another day of his life and my partner so happy to have me back home despite the problems that are headed our way.
Sunday was the day i started putting small steps in place, i contacted gamcare and found number of counselling organisation near me to contact, i self excluded all my online accounts and spent the rest of the day trying to sleep as i need to see my gp monday to help some of the mental issues i have.
Monday.
Went to see my gp who has given me some tablets to try and steer me though the next fortnight, again took some numbers for counselling sessions both for gambling and the issues that deep down have possibly caused me to see out a way of escaping them by gambling.
I phoned 2 counselling services up to start the ball rolling, gambling one i had already been refered to by someone so they already had my details and i should expect some dates in next 3 weeks hopefully. The mental health counselling i should hear back in next 48 hours.
I spoke some more to my partner about the debts, she is going to take charge of all them from now. Issues obviously will be how i can provide the money for her to do this, my job has gone just awaiting confirmation of that and after that its the dole until i can find employment. I can only do this one bit at a time tho and just getting the ball rolling has me done in, im emotionally wrecked. Both in stress and guilt. Now back to worrying where money is coming from with now.
I will update daily where possible, good luck to all fighting this battle.
Norman
Welcome to recovery, fella 101 days ago I set out to take my own life,I understand fully what leads a person to the point where suicide seems the only viable option. It is without doubt a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please take all the help that is available,there's a wealth of it.
Take control of your life,that for me starts with you being completely honest with firstly yourself and then everyone in your life.
There is a way to live without feeding addiction it's not an easy road but the rewards are incredible.
Use your diary,there's a wealth of help and great advice here given without judgement.
You can achieve whatever you wish,take it a day,hour or a minute at a time.
I look forward to reading your progress.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Hi Norman good to see you have posted here and taking steps towards recovery. Duncs is completely right about the permanent solution to a temporary problem. Most of us here have done things we are deeply ashamed of, while in the grip of addiction, and crossed our own moral lines, I certainly have. I really hope you can get the help you need and that 29/09/17 is the start for you...I believe there is a way out and a way back to self respect. & it starts little by little, one day at a time . Keep posting :))
Hi guys,
Been a touch couple of days since i last posted. Felt quite low and ive still not left the house since my gp visit on monday.
I have some counselling organised for next week for my mental health issues and my referal is in with the gambling counselling that gamcare put me in touch with. There is a gamblers anoyomous meeting near me on mondays so that is my target to try and get to. Hoping i may get out the house for a walk with the partner and kids over the weekend.
Been no gambling since this come to a head so that is the one positive so far, all online accounts have been excluded and im not having any urges atm despite some weird dreams of gambling. Its hard watching sports as so many bloody adverts about gambling, england match last night full of them.
I will keep you posted of my progress
Thanks for listening
Norman
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