20 days into my GF future. Still a very long, long way before I can accept I am anywhere into my recovery as previous relapses have happened after about 300 days. Need to see at least a year before I can realistically see this as any sort of success.
Zero interest in gambling but I would have been surprised if I had experienced any sort of urges. Losing more than your annual salary in a couple of days is a fairly surefire way to blunt your enthusiasm for gambling once you have got out the chasing phase and started thinking rationally again. Target is obviously to change my life so I don't ever get any urges again but experience tells me they will come again at some point. I honestly believe I have now blocked the remaining opportunities to gamble - I think I knew previously that there was a "get out" opportunity if I got desperate, that does not exist anymore.
Took my son back to university at the weekend and driving back my thoughts turned again to what I could have done for him with the winnings if I had stopped when I won big. Bought him a flat or paid off his student loans. Nonsense thoughts of course. As a CG I was never going to withdraw that money and keep it and could never have explained it to my family and stayed married. I know these thoughts will dull over time.
Good luck all
Muststop123
Hi Muststop123 - just checking into your diary to say I hope things are good. ish. for you.
I think in this forum we bond with those who join around the same time as we joined. A bit like being at school.
We joined together and this is just a shout out to say that there's a connect in our struggle with this.
29 days GF and no signs of any urges. I don't say this as if it is any great achievement because I have been here before. Not going to start talking about my determination never to gamble again or how strong my blocks are because if I wanted to do that I could just copy and paste from previous posts before previous relapses.
It does feel different this time but can't really expect anyone who has read my previous posts to believe it.
Life is very good at the moment. Plenty of good things going on and generally happy. Sleeping like a log at the moment from the time my head hits the pillow to the time the alarm goes off which is usually a good sign for me that I am mentally ok. Still have the odd thought of my recent stupidity and how things could have been different but the strength of negativity of those thoughts is reducing on a daily/weekly basis. I don't criticise myself internally as much.
Close friend is going through a fairly horrendous marriage breakup at the moment and am trying to support him as much as I can. Am finding some of the advice and tools/ideas I got during counselling when I first tried to stop gambling seem remarkably relevant. Guess many big life problems will have similar issues but I feel a lot more able to try and support than I might have been a couple of years ago so maybe some positives from my gambling experiences. Still not going to recommend it as a way of developing as a person.
Day 47 GF.
No urges and mind in a lot better place. Don't feel like I am stopping myself gambling, just something I have learnt the hard way is something I can't do and is pointless anyway - loads of time, energy and heartache with no possible positive outcome as I am physically/mentally unable to stop when there is money in my account.
I know from experience this is the easy stage for me. Far enough out of the chasing and reckless gambling period to think clearly but still close enough to it to have the memories of the pain and complete pointlessness of it all.
Life good. Away this coming weekend with wife as we come upto a big wedding anniversary. Too much to throw away on some spinning computer graphics.
Day 56 GF.
Lovely weekend away with my wife. We were in a big city and whilst there were a fair few casinos in the high streets I was not as annoyed at them as I used to be or really even noticed them as much. Not sure if that is positive or negative, used to quite like the feeling of disgust as I saw one.
No urges to gamble which is positive. Felt the need to come on and write on here though because I just had a slightly unwelcome feeling when reading one of the threads on here. Someone was writing about the trance of gambling and the ridiculous odds we are against with all the near wins, false wins and bonus rounds. The post was a good one as it was helping to explain the vicious circle many of us get into but I did get a slight positive sensation at the thought of the bonus rounds and the drug like high they used to induce in me. It was not an urge to gamble but it was a reminder of the occasional high gambling gave me amongst the more usual lows and feelings of despair. I have said it before (like a broken record) but I do not think the poison of a gambling addition ever leaves you once you are infected.
Not going to gamble today or tomorrow but yet another reminder to me that this is a forever thing.
You think you have this thing cracked and then suddenly you get a reminder of just how hard it is.
Deep breath and face the day.
Day 61 GF.
No gambling or urges.
Been thinking about the whole "trigger" aspect of gambling. I have read on here about people's gambling being triggered by various things like ill heath, stress or even the mention of gambling or financial amounts involved. I have always thought this did not apply to me. Like so many others I thought I was different and things like that would not happen to me. Of course, I am wrong, I finally realised the sensations I mentioned I was getting in my previous post were a form of this potential trigger thought process where just the thought of gambling was stirring up memories of the very infrequent positive bits of it.
Need to keep my guard up.
The more I learn about myself, and the more I read on here, the more I realise there is very little difference in the gambling behaviours and thought processes of virtually every single problem gambler. Should make it easier to "fix" but sadly does not seem to be the case.
Day 74 GF so about a quarter of the way to the point where I previously relapsed twice at about 300 days. Really want to get back to this point so I can prove to myself that I can push on and make a year, and then two years and then continue. Should be to over 100 days by Christmas which will be a nice little milestone gift. Not one to wish my life away but really hate the feeling I have fallen back twice when I could be over two years GF.
Last 10 days or so have been a mixture. Had a slight wobble when the google search for this site bought up some really unhelpful gambling sites that were basically trying to tempt people to try and get around Gamstop. Stupidly I clicked on one and it soon became obvious that they were pretty much scams and you would have had to be mad to give them your credit card details. Slightly more worrying is what would I have done if I thought they were legit? I have other blocks in place which stop me having access to the sums of money I would want to stake so I think I would still have been ok but would rather not have the thoughts in the first place.
All said and done though, these are just thoughts, nothing physical and all within my power to control.
Other than that, all is good. Really busy both at work and outside and will be into the new year and already have a few things booked up for early next year so should not see that lull in activity I sometimes see in Jan/Feb. I know keeping busy is not a long term solution to recovery but if I don't have to even think about gambling then I do not think that can hurt.
Muststop123
Day 84 GF.
Gamstop still doing its thing and stopping me from gambling. Glad it is there but wish I did not need it, it feels like I have a sticking plaster over a festering wound which is gambling.
I don't spend all day every day thinking about gambling but it is just the occasional, usually late night, thought remembering the drug like high gambling provided. From previous experience I think this phase will pass with time and I will enter the potentially more dangerous stage of complacency where I think I am "cured" and lessen my guard. Having done this twice I don't believe I am stupid enough to fall for it again. Also the practical blocks are now stronger and can't be reversed for several years. Gamstop for example still has several years to run - plan is to sign up for another 5 years once I get to within a year of it expiring, this means I only have to be strong and sensible once during that year and it is fixed for another 5 years.
Good luck everyone
Muststop123
Day 92 GF.
No gambling but I need to be honest and say it is only my blocks that are stopping me. They are strong and I am confident in them. I don't have overwhelming urges to just gamble on anything, it is to gamble on specific games only available from certain UK operators who fortunately are taking their Gamstop responsibilities seriously. In addition I have no interest in low stakes bets of a few £s so having no access to unmonitored money stops me funding any urges - give me £20 and let me loose in an online casino and I would not be interested.
So good news is I am not gambling and won't be as long as I keep my blocks. Slightly less good news is I am still a "recovering" addict rather "recovered" and the last couple of years suggests that might be a long term position. Most worrying issue is that should I have another relapse at any time in the future then it is most likely that it would involve significant sums of money as that is the only way I would get any "kick" from it. I have plans in place to ensure the blocks don't go away though - I will extend my Gamstop exclusion well before the 5 years expires and I never have access to unmonitored money.
Overall though things are going well. The gambling thoughts are mostly fleeting, often late at night before I go to sleep and rarely intrude into my day to day thoughts. Only have a week left at work then off for a weeks holiday pre-Christmas with my son and wife when I seriously doubt gambling will even enter my mind and then onto a very busy Christmas with family and friends.
I have previously worried about the post Christmas period when things usually slow down in my life and I have a bit more time on my hands but I realised neither of my relapses came in this period of the year so maybe not the time to be most concerned about.
Right, better get some work done, roll on 100 days GF.
Muststop123
101 days GF so past the 100 day milestone.
Had few if any thoughts about gambling over the last week or so although that may be partly because I have been stupid busy at work.
Now on a week pre Christmas holiday with wife and son, definitely won't be gambling this week and being with them just reminds me so strongly how much I have to lose.
Here is to the next 100 days.
Muststop123
Checking in 120 days GF.
Have worried the last couple of years that the long dark days of Jan and Feb might be a risky time for me when I might get a urge too strong to control due to there being less going on after the hectic pre-Christmas period. Not actually been the case and not had any relapses at this time of the year.
Trying to fight the complacency feeling but fortunately not feeling any urges to gamble. I tell myself that it is because I have finally come to terms with the utter pointlessness of my gambling - even on the small off chance I won some money, it would be irrelevant as I would simply gamble it away again. So best case I win some money and give it back to the casino, most likely scenario I lose a large chunk of money with all the associated issues that go with that. With neither outcome do I come away feeling good, so why do it?
Blocks staying in place because I know one day, whether it is next week or new month or next year I will be thinking far less rationally.
Life is good without the stress of either gambling or wanting to gamble. Holiday/Christmas was great. Son back to university today but that is ok, I have a few projects on the go.
Happy New Year All
Muststop123
Checking in 151 days GF. About halfway back to the 300 days I want to get to before I really feel like I am making progress. I want to prove that I can get past this point where I have previously relapsed.
No urges but gambling thoughts do still enter my mind. The what seems like constant bombardment of TV adverts does not help - I don't watch a huge amount of "live" TV ,as I usually have some Netflix or iPlayer series on the go, but when I do watch it, it seems like hardly a commercial break goes by without a casino/bingo advert. Still feel awkward and a bit embarrassed if they come on when my wife is in the room and find myself getting up to take a glass/mug out to the kitchen or start looking at my phone.
Complacency remains the biggest danger. Whilst I don't have any urge to gamble, I think this is largely because I have come to terms with the fact I can't gamble with my blocks in place.
Life generally good. Couple of holidays booked. Could have thrown this all away for some spinning symbols on a tablet screen.
Stay strong everyone.
Muststop123
Checking in day 189 GF, so about 6 months in.
No great urges to gamble but convinced this is because I know I can't gamble. That's ok, I can live like this. The blocks are not really that restrictive and as long as I renew my Gamstop in plenty of time before the 5 years expires I should be fine.
Message came up on my online banking that they are now able to restrict payments to online gambling companies. Good news, albeit a bit late for me. These things are really a bit late for most of us as by the time we realise that we have a problem it is generally too late. Still it is another potential block.
Life is still good away from the haunting memories and occasional black thoughts of my past behaviour. I know there is little benefit in looking back like this but it is not easy when it happens in the early hours of the morning. It does help occasionally when I am being selfish or unreasonable about something totally unrelated to gambling in my life to tell myself that I was supposed to be trying to be a better person, the whole "random acts of kindness" thing. I guess few of us act like saints our whole life but just tilting the balance a bit further to the "kind" side has got to be a good ambition.
Muststop123
Checking in day 215 GF.
Am currently working from home and staying in the rest of the time as is the instruction in the UK so plenty of time on my hands at home which could potentially have been an issue. After three weeks or so of this I have had no urge to gamble. This obviously good news to me as I think boredom and minor setbacks in life definitely played a part in my initial gambling and subsequent relapses.
I now sit in a period of potential complacency. I am far enough away from the raw emotion of a relapse to have gotten over most of the pain, my mind tells me I don't want to gamble again as I cannot see any point to it (will never stop while I have credit available to gamble so will always end in pain and disgust in myself) and I believe I have fixed all the holes in my blocks.
If I go back through this diary I was equally positive I was never going to gamble again at similar stages previously. I think however there is a difference this time and that is my feelings, and understanding of those feelings, towards gambling. Previously I spoke about gambling as this evil poisonous thing that I hated and never wanted to ever go near again. That was not the truth, gambling to me was a drug which provided me with incredible highs alongside the devastating lows. So what I hated was the lows, not the entire experience which is why I relapsed as I wanted the highs again.
So where I am now is I believe I have accepted that the highs aren't worth it given I know for certain the lows will occur at some point and are only going to get worse with my experience that the risks I take only seem to get bigger.
I know I will always be a recovering gambling addict and will always need blocks in place as one day I might not be as rational.
Muststop123
Hey,
You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you
S.......xx
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