Lost more than just money

It's the support of everyone on here that will make the difference. I've always tried to do it alone before

Thanks so much Half-Life. Your advice and support is invaluable. I guess I don't really know what the pull is either. It may be that I don't need to know as long as I can resist

Ouch. First Saturday to be gamble free and I'm feeling lousy! Didn't sleep great and feeling very twitchy. I'll be ok as I haven't got any money so I can't gamble but I feel sick. I kind of want to stay in bed and miss all the sport. I didn't think this would be easy and now I know for sure it won't be!

Gottostop

I lived a life for twenty years through a half empty glass, I could only see the bad in everything.

Through recovery I have topped that glass up beyond half full, I can take positive things from even the sh#ttest situation.

Most folk find the first two weeks of abstinence a cake walk,it's something new and they experience the honeymoon period.

Your post this morning reads like you feel that you are being punished.

I felt lousy,like I should be punished for the all the carnage that I had created for the first 18 months I arrested that next punt, the result was I had simply stopped gambling and went back at it.

Since then I have relentlessly pursued recovery because I believe that I understand it's value.

Stopping gambling didn't fix all the problems that I created dedicating my life to feeding it.

What it will give you is the opportunity to fix the damage, today you should take the time to reflect

Talk with your wife, share your thoughts and feelings

Listen to what she has to say.

Start living rather than destroying your life.

It is easy to stop gambling fella, intervention is what happens to most of us, it's now the hard work begins, staying stopped.

I am off to work, another 12 hour plus day of work, I have found time to do something for myself before I set off I topped up my own glass through walking our hounds.

Time for you to top up your own

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

You're right Duncs----again. It's not a punishment, it's a reward for seeing the truth. I need to enjoy the simple things so they can give me the same fulfilment that gambling did. As always, thanks for your support

So I've come through my first weekend and feel pretty good. I enjoyed the sports for what they are without prejudice or preference.

i went shopping with my wife and tried to be helpful and be involved with opinions and actually enjoyed myself. Ok I did get a little bored after 7 hours trying on but who wouldn't!!!

feeling very positive, nearly a week since the last bet.

ive still not spoke to my wife about it, I don't want to bring it up really, I guess I'm so ashamed.

hope everyone's had as good a weekend. We can beat this!!

So, this is the 7th day of being gambling free and I'm finding myself not really thinking about it as much. I've contacted my local GA about going to their next meeting. I've still not really discussed it with my wife. Bit of an ostrich in the sand I guess but I don't want to drag it up though it's clearly the elephant in the room. Wow, too many animal references in this post. Anyway I need to make 1 week into 2 weeks.

Day 8 nearly over. I will not gamble! Had a bout of self doubt today. Not that I would gamble but that I would never be a good husband or father. I've been terrible I guess so far as everything I've done that's good is tainted by this underlying bad that lurked in the shadows.

I just want to be the best I can be and that means doing the right thing from now on but I wonder if that will ever be good enough. I can't change the past though so I have to remember that or I'll always be playing catch up.

My mind is a devious b****r, I think I need to stay positive as if I question my self doubt I'm at risk again. So much to think about!!

Another day completed.

Great time with my daughters yesterday after school, yet somehow seeing them smiling and playing got me upset. I guess that's guilt. I will feel guilt everyday if it means they can smile everyday. My smile comes from knowing I've not gambled.

First GA meeting on Monday. Nervous about it. I really am. Don't really know what to expect and how I'll deal with it. It will be the first time that I will speak about my addiction to others face to face. I'm staying open minded and am determined not to back out. That is what I did before, I convinced my family I could stop and didn't need GA or other support and I was wrong. Roll on Monday, you can't come soon enough

Day 11. Still no gambling and I feel good.

Things not so good with the wife, can't really complain too much yet. Off to Liverpool for a night out with her cousins. Not really looking forward to it because we are frosty together there could well be an atmosphere.

not to mention the 2+ hour drive to get there. No kids. Just us. I hope to talk a little about my addiction and recovery but we'll see.

Have a good day everyone.

Sounds like you've made a great start. Have you considered being referred by gamcare for counselling? I didn't know what to expect but its really helped me understand why I started problem gambling in the first place. All the best

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Day 13.

had a great time in Liverpool with the family. It was nice to see everyone and great times with great company.

Spoke a little with my wife during the journey but I'm hitting a brick wall really. I think she thought I was spouting rubbish when I told her about accepting who I am and learning to live with it and control it. Like a swallowed a psychiatrists manual.

found it hard not to show affection to her. It's not that I don't want to but she's making it really clear she doesn't want any. I can't even get a kiss on text messages!!

Again I'm not blaming her, she's been really hurt and let down by me but I can't help but feel that if I continue to not understand our future, my self esteem will drop and I'll become vulnerable to gambling as a release. Hope that's not me just making excuses to gamble though which I think it is. I have to find another way to feel better.

First GA session tonight. Really nervous about it but as my CG is such a secret with only me and my wife knowing, I'm hoping being able to talk openly and honestly will really help.

anyway better get back to work.

Thanks Dessieboy

ill look into that. Can't see anything being a bad idea.

Keep going with your recovery mate. Christmas Day will be 89 days for me when I get there. 100 days will be 5/1/16. Going to put £1 a day aside and take the family out for a good meal to celebrate or maybe even a day out somewhere of their choice. Just keeping focus

Been a while. Day 15 today. First GA meeting happened on Monday. I broke down when I told my tale of shame. Great support and advice though from those around me. I am still getting the nudge from the darkest corner of my brain to have a go but am resisting. In truth I'd love to be able to have a bet on the footy and be in control. I know I can't though, I've done that before and failed. So actually I'll re write that sentence, I'm glad I don't bet on the football, I'm glad I don't constantly check my phone for scores and ignore those who are actually deserving of my time.

I don't need gambling, it needs me but it can't have me. I am all for my girls and my wife and being the best dad/husband I can be.

Take care everyone.

Hi Gotto, welcome to recovery 🙂

I didn't want to stop when I first found recovery, I just wanted to get some control, when I realised abstinence was the only way forward I was terrified but now that I'm here in recovery, I know 100% it was the right thing to do! Time & time again people disappear from the forum thinking they are stronger than addiction only to return, battered and bruised with their tail between their legs! I tried alone thousands of times, it is the reaching out & accepting help that has been my salvation! Your wife is hurting, she may well want to bury her head in the sand & not listen, let her choose her own coping mechanism, let her know Gamcare are there for her too & when she is ready, let her ask questions! 16 days is a massive achievement for you (great work) but in the grand scheme of things, it is no time @ all for her to get her head round years & years of deceit! Your self esteem may well be a trigger for your gambling, I am learning that this is rarely ever about money so what about phoning Gamcare, arrange some counselling, try & bottom this out & see if they can help you find other coping strategies. Gambling isn't a release, it's a false promise that compounds our problems & adds shame & a plethora of other undesirable emotions into the mix!

It may sound crazy but as the child of a CG, I am proud of you, proud that you have accepted your problem, proud that you have cried tears @ GA but most of all, I am proud that you are going to be the dad your girls need 🙂

You don't need gambling, you need love, it's there unconditionally from your children, keep working hard & hopefully your wife wil find a way through this pain too soon! Stay strong - ODAAT