lost the plot..

Hey LB!

Like you i slipped recently. Lost all the money i had paid off my gambling debts for the past two months in hours.

Please mate, get up, dust yourself down and *** on. You have done some marvellous work so far. Do it again.

I felt low and like a pile of t**d when i slipped, couldn't even look at myself in the mirror......that's low. But we must get up and start again. That's all us CG's can do......get up and start again. We can do this!! It's probably the hardest thing to do, but we must. Everyones recovery is different. Please don't give up!!

Best wishes to you LB, sincerely

Londonbloke, I'm gonna say some things you might not like, but you're gonna have to deal with it.

I find your slips so frustrating as a fellow recovering cg. Your safety nets will never work, whilst YOU have access to your cash, you will always use that option to gamble.

We know self exclusion doesn't work, they want you to gamble, no point limiting cash when you just decide to tap £200 at the cashpoint.

Out of all the diaries I read, yours is the one where I think geez this guy really is addicted and can't stay clean enough long enough to get the message.

You either have to hand over all control of your finances elsewhere or apply to Gordon House, you just don't have the willpower, I WOULDNT have the willpower, what's the harm in admitting that, but I am now in a position where I would back myself to see sense.

You know how destructive gambling is yet you still slip time and again after all the support and advice of your friends. Im saying this coz I give a s**t, otherwise I would leave you to just get on with it.

Money is the drug and you can't have that drug anywhere near you for at least 100 days IMO, you're not strong enough to fight this without having a third party like your boss where you know it would cause real sh@t if you gambled.

I've thought for the last 5 mins should I post this, but why tip-toe round the issue, you need a kick up the ars@ to get on the right track sometimes.

Hate me forever if you want but I think it needs saying coz I want the best for you my friend.

Nothing wrong in saying you need a bit of help. Google Gordon Moody and they have a downloadable application form if you're interested.

I just don't wanna see slip, support, slip, support continue it's time for slip, kick up jacksy lol otherwise you will keep slipping because you know you will still be supported.

I'm keep my fingers crossed for you mate, and I hope will can still open a can together, I just want the best for you.

Smokes out 🙂

Now then LB

Just when I thought you had it cracked, fair play to you though man your back with an honest account of what happened. Progress has been made though, keep paying them bills on payday it means less to gamble with, this was a major thing for me probably the most important thing so far in my recovery as I used to use the rent and food money as my stake to gamble with.

MADNESS

Just one quick thought the £200 you spent gambling could have been spent on 300 cans of Ste*la at a well known supermarket beginning with a T.

“Without change there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable” William Pollard.

Keep going LB.

Hi LB.

I have to agree with what Smokey has written.

You need to do something different to get out of your current cycle.

So many people are rooting for you mate so i hope you find the answers soon.

Chin up.

Hi Lb... keep working at it... you have made progress... you are very self-aware.. its just a question of using that self-awareness to help you to stop gambling. You can find the inner strength and resolve to react differently when the next urge to gamble strikes. You can do it... keep posting!.. S.A

Hi Diary

Just got in from work, horrible shift tonight and have been in excruciating pain from a terrible toothache..The pain made my eyes water at times, i've truely never felt anything like it..Sheer b****** agony.

Have grabbed a quarter bottle of brandy on my way home from todays tips that i made which i'm now swigging and rinsing that side of my mouth with and its helping a great deal.

Got work later today as well dunno how i'm going to handle it again if it ain't any better after some sleep...God i need a dentist pronto...

Thanks vegas990, Brian, Smokey, Defeated, Curly10 and S.A for your advice, support and comments...Very much appreciated.

Smokey.. I take on board your rollocking.. you've hit the nail bang on the head i can't handle/cope when i have a bit of money. I'm ok with a few quid, i cope with that fine but more than a few quid in my back pocket and after a few days with the urges screaming at me to play i screw everything up again.. I know its basically down to willpower and sheer determination, something i am lacking in and i realise that the next step for me now is to hand over all control of whats left of my wages to someone else..(I have no family and most of my closest friends gamble though..not an excuse just telling it how it is)...But I have someone from work in mind who knows about my problem and is someone i can trust, hes off sick at present but i will put it to him when he returns and see if we can work something out. Hes a decent guy but he might not want the hassle..All i can do is ask..

I think i sometimes get a bit carried away, think just because i've managed to pay all that needs paying that month out of my wages that i'm free to do what i want with whats left..Of course gambling it away defeats the object, there can be no in between for people like us, we can't control ourselves so stopping has to mean 100% no more...end of..

So i try again..I'm not giving up...Yep i am and always have been addicted to this..Sadly probably will be for the rest of my life, but i "can" learn to control it and thats what i've got to aim for..

Many others on here have beaten this and that alone gives me hope..

Sometimes a good kick up the a*** speaks a 1000 words...thanks for your honesty.

Defeated..I keep thinking now about 200 quids worth of st***a ... what a waste, could sink a few right now to go with this brandy..

mediscinol purposes only of course to help with the toothache 😉

Am off Mon/Tues on my rest days so hope to catch up with some diaries..

Takecare everyone

Keep up the good work..we CAN and we WILL.. me included.

Nite..

great diary, thanks for sharing, sorry to hear about the toothache, apart from the pain of gambling, I dont think there is much worse than a toothache!!

having had a lot in my time, I find the migrane tablets work as good, if not better than the ibuprofen etc

thanks again for allowing me to read your story

Hi Lb.. toothache is just the worst isn't it. My commisserations.. get to the dentist asap. Toothache doesnt go away it just gets worse until something is done.

As for the gambling.. well thats the compulsion for you. You know in the light of day that your money is always going to go. It doesnt matter how many jackpots you get your always gonna shovel it back in.. just like i do and everyone other addicted gambler. Cos at the end of the day its nought to do with the money.. its simply a way to escape reality "for a while" and beat oneself up.

Ive shot myself in the foot so many times over the years that maybe just maybe I really have had enough. there's gotta be something better than periodic self-destruct through gambling.

For me its a bit more than just will power and determination.. though that is a big chunk of it to. Its about not setting yourself up for a fall. For me I know that if I am in a depressed state the last thing i want to be doing is getting on a bus into the city centre with cash and cashcard in my pocket.. its tempting fate. next time you feel like gambling.. do something differently.. you don't have to gamble just like i don't have to gamble. We have choices. Keep posting... your a good writter.. keep safe.. S.A

Hi Londonbloke

I cant really add a lot to what SA has written in his last post.He talks a lot of sense m8.What i will say is your last post i loved what you said.You will never stop trying to give up.Believe me kid we will never stop supporting you while you are trying.

We have all been there m8.We all know how hard it is.

Some people see that i have an unscathed diary on here ,but that diary has lasted a mere 14 months mate ,what about the previous 30 years.i tried to stop so many times.It has taken me this many years to hate gambleing so much to turn my back on it.I believe like me your time will come.It is a 24 hour job stopping .Its even there in your sleep.But like anything the longer you do it the easier it gets.Now londonbloke even though you have had lapses ,you have deffinatley made prodress.Your stretches are getting longer and you have learnt to pay your debts firstThats progress m8.So now like SA has said dont set yourself up for a fall .Stay strong m8 Jeff.

Hello "blokey"...you say you have a friend who's on the sick ?? Has he/she lost there voice ?? Whilst it Is a great idea,although the lad/lass is sick,are they non contactable for NOW !! It seems you get into a habit of gonnae do things then put them off for some reason and the rest is history ?? As defeated rightfully pointed out, you have made giant steps just paying your bills :-)...by the way I still can't handle money, only yesterday,week before payday did I take oot a payday loan to treat the family to a pantomime "oh yes I did !!!",when I couldve waited and saved myself interest, but that was a loan for the right reasons and not gambling so I seen that as a little progress :-). ..as you know this won't happen overnight. ...as frustrated as smokey is, I think we all are, but I learned from my early experiences on here, if a diary frustrates you then DON'T read it, but we are all showing our GENUINE concerns mate. ..the simple answers to all your problems is ONLY YOU can make it happen and for the want of trying ONLY YOU can CHANGE things for a better life otherwise in 1/2/3/4 years time we'll still be reading of your difficulties :-(....so maybes pick up the phone TODAY and give your friend a call ;-)...its certainly worth a tuppence phone call than hundreds in the fat cats pockets ;-)...haway lad !!! You can do it. .

Hi LB,

So sorry to hear of your unfortunate relapse and that you have a nasty sounding toothache. Like many people have said, there's nothing much worse than tooth pain and I hope that you manage to get it sorted soon. Not sure if brandy is the best way forward though...

I am not going to nag at you as that has already been done but what I will say is this...

...you definitely sound like someone who is DESPERATE to beat this. The reason I am saying this is that you are completely honest with us, and most of all, yourself. Being honest with yourself really is the key to beating this terrible addiction and it really does not have to be one that lasts a lifetime. Just think, your past relapses were ones where you tried to chase losses and you ended up throwing money away day after day. Is this happening now? I pray that it isn't and that's GOOD!

Jeff really hit the nail on the head when he said that he had a 14 month unblemished record and I am in a similar situation to him. What really does hit home is what happened to the other 30 years? I have always said that this recovery journey will take however long you have spent your life throwing money away and it will be 30 years in my case.

Enjoy your couple of days off and please keep us updated with how well you are doing in the difficult early stages of your new (and final!) recovery journey! And hope you manage to get your toothache sorted out soon but please, wherever you go, please, PLEASE take only the amount of cash with you that you need!

Getting There

Hi mate,

Just to confirm re wp's point in all walks of life, if thinks frustrate/annoy me consistently I cut them out my life, but I don't stop reading coz I know how hard it must be and just want the best for you.

I'm not silly, I know if I had 50k in my account that laptop would be open quicker than it takes dd to get a warning. Frozen bank account do wonders for recovery 😉

But as wp pointed you can get yourself in a frozen bank account situation, I get pocket money and so can you my friend.

Regarding the toothache I cracked my tooth once on a stone in a pizza and did nowt about it. The toothache was unbearable, the whisky started to wear off, the pain at the dentist was so worth being able to sleep again.

Get on the horse LB and only get off for the right reasons, now CHARGE!!!!

Smokey

Hi Diary

Had a good night at work, made a nice few quid in tips and have now got 2 days off..

Got nothing planned except contacting my dentist to see if they can fit me in as i'm still in some pain but nowhere near as bad as yesterday.

Thanks Dan, S.A, Jeff, wp, GT and smokey for your advice and support..

Just a quick reply to wp about this friend of mine from work. Yes he is off sick and i only have his mobile number and have been calling him since Friday 26th November, way before i blew the last of my money as he was going to speak to a friend of his about getting me a back wheel for my bike on the cheap cos i still ain't got that fixed. I can't get his home number from work cos they won't disclose personal information without that persons permission, so it ain't as if i ain't tried..All i can do is wait for him to return to work or return my calls..He might not want to get involved as i said before but i'm gonna give it a shot..

I have other friends but they all gamble in some form or another and my money in there hands would be no different to me wasting it, thats why i'm hoping this guy at work will help cos i know he don't gamble..

So i've just gotta wait..got 3 weeks anyway till i'm next paid so hopefully i can get something sorted out before then..

Thanks though for "the kick up the a**** " ..wasn't as hard as smokeys though lol...

Anyway onwards i march, thats all i can do, wish i was paid weekly as i said in a previous post, because the real battle for me begins when my wages are paid and its how i handle whats left after everyones had there share, thats crunch time for me ..

But all i can add is this.. i will b****** well beat this and Brian, yep you are right m8 2010 can still be the best year for a long time.(lets all of us finish it on a high note) 🙂

Now wheres my horse????

Takecare all, keep strong and never give up giving up

Nite

any chance you can have another bank account with a standing order going into you normal account, effectively paying yourself weekly instead of monthly? of course you mind need to eat the details of the new account....

It's what I'm hoping to set up anyhow...

ok LB point taken about your friend...i thought he was a friend and not just work colleague....what about telling your work of your financial problems ??? maybes they could pay you weekly ?? if not then thats a great idea from dan...its all about as many barriers in place as necessary...only you can do it mate and YOU CAN !!!