lost the plot..

Londonbloke,

I cannot even begin to say how great it is to see you back on these diaries and that you are 44 days gamble free.

Getting all those blocks in was an excellent move for you. I bet that you felt brilliant when you opened and closed those doors of those awful gambling places for the last time.

Life really is for living and not for throwing our hard earned money away.

I remember reading about your very dark, low days and I'm sure that you will remember those. These are worth imprinting in your mind as they will remind you what will happen should you decide to go back and gamble again.

Which I am sure you won't, of course.

It's all about making the right choices for yourself and you have been making plenty of these lately.

All the very best,

Have a great weekend,

NT

Hi Diary

Thanks NT for your very kind words..

Them very dark days that you mentioned, i will never forget ..Even just last night i went to bed and for a good while because i couldn't sleep i relived that trip to the south coast and everything that happened that night (well what i can remember of it anyway, i was drinking like a fish)..

Its never left me..i honestly think about it often..I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing..I was in a very dark crazy place that night, one that sometimes i can't even explain or get my head around..Very bad times that gambling led me too..No ..I will never ever forget that nite..Never..

But onwards and upwards and things are rolling along as they do..Its just the same old me..I don't really seem to have much of a life at present, its all work, work, work and very little else..just the same old boring stuff really...

My own choice though, but it keeps me busy and occupied and takes my mind off you know what..

Also the sooner i can clear up my debts the sooner i can finally move on..(I have a big problem with the debt side of it all, it bloody eats away at me at times)

When i look back, thats about all i've been doing for a good few years now..work like a trooper for a month and come payday blow the lot in just a few days..Then begin the month again grabbing all the overtime i could get to only go and do the same old thing..

Just one big vicious circle...like my own personal Groundhog day i guess..

Supposed to be off for 2 days now, but am doing more overtime later today (8 hour shift) but am taking the Wednesday off so i can watch the football..

But i got through last month unscathed and January as well so i know that i can do this, its just now all up to me..

Am pleased that i've self excluded all my regular haunts close to me, theres nothing now on my front door so to speak that i can go into and gamble on so at least i've limited my options.. But of course 2 stops on the tube or 10 mins on the bus and theres plenty more everywhere you turn..But i've pretty much always gambled in one of these close to me so knowing i've self excluded, well its got to be a good thing ain't it..

I've had one slip this year...Just the one slip in almost four months..

Yep i think the pennys finally dropped..

2012 .....it ended..

Day 48 and more determined than i ever was..

Keep strong everyone, never ever give up..

Takecare

One slip in almost 4 months sounds great to me...

Yes, we all need to remember our dark, dark days and by remembering those, these will help us endeavour never, ever to repeat those days ever again.

Then we can really start to look forward to our futures.

NT

Hi LB

Would say that your writing (and actions) come across to me as someone who is determined now to stop. I do think if you are honest (read back if need be), that has not always been the case.

Great to see you coming through this now and I hope that you get beat this and move on in your life.

Good luck pal.

Thanks NT and Seenthelight for your posts..

Seenthelight.. I totally agree with you, i don't think in the past i've been 100% commited to finally putting a stop to this madness..

I think deep down i always thought that i could just stop if i wanted and put an end to it just like that. Obviously i couldn't and i was living in a dream world. Yes i did put blocks in to help stop the rot, but i left other options open to me to go and gamble and on many occasions i would end up back in the same situation..(My diary is full of examples of this)..

Also i don't think i wanted to stop. I like most of us got a huge high when gambling. As much as the pain of that last big loss was, 3/4 weeks later that pain was soon forgotten..

Anyway its taken me a while and god knows how many relapses but i've got to stop kidding myself.

I either say b******* to it and go back to my gambling life with the stress, worry, sleepless nights, being skint all the time, hating myself and all the other feelings that we feel after the event..

Or i go the full hog and cut out the cr** and really give this a go and myself a chance in the process..

I have extra blocks in place this time around, i can no longer just pop out the door and in 5 mins be off on one gambling again as i've at last self excluded all my local haunts but as S.A mentioned previously if we really want to go and gamble then we will..

But i DON'T, and i'm determined that i WON'T..

All i can do is keep going..A day at a time is working for me at present and as i've read on these diaries many times before...

If nothing changes..then nothing changes..

Its all up to me now..

I don't want any of this any more..I'm sick of it all..

Today is day 54

And today i will not gamble..

Takecare, keep strong and all the very best to all

Hi Lb... I see you that ya got some gambling free time behind you.. nice one matey.

I know how hard it is in London cos you can spend days and days excluding from places only to discover new places a short tube ride away.. but atleast having the local hell holes as not an option it makes you travel if ya want to gamble.

But then you don't want to gamble and nor do i. Keep motivated to stay stopped as i do the same. Cheers.. S.A 🙂

Yo London Geezer.......

Still willing on my old bud and superb to see things ramping up on the gambling front.

With my own quest, I seem to think pretrty ok, hit similar walls but mask it over, pretty often in the guise of vino. Gambling a real beeetch to go along with the other crosses

Thinking blocks/exclusion a good goer but also love that ' nothing changes if nothing changes ' Its an eqation unique to our DNA to work out. Keep it simple, Dont gamble.......

Lets march on Together, exmug

Hi diary

Thanks S.A and my marching buddy pauls for your posts..

Had a cr** 2 days at work..All a load of hassle and stress, seems like everythings all my fault..

Well b******* to the lot of em..They and i both know the truth..

These are always the most testing times for me, normally i'd go get rat arsed and gamble just to escape it all..But not this time..

They (my problems) just ain't gonna get the satisfaction..(could use a can or 2 now though..but the fridge is bare) so i'm on the Tea..lol

Anyway its a new week and onwards i go..

No gambling here and thats the way i want it to stay..

Day 61..the longest i have gone without a gamble for as long as i can remember..

Got the smile all ready to put on for work tomorrow..

Have a good week everyone..

Takecare

Amazing result on 60 days.

Like you a bad day at work would lead me to gamble in order to escape.

You (we) have both moved on now, hopefully the triggers have gone.

Well done you deserve a lot of credit and I have confidence that you will continue with this path.

Well done on hitting Day 61. This is a big achievement - keep going straight, do not look back, and enjoy the rest of your gamble-free life.

Hi LB

Well done on reaching day 61 mate, as you say the longest time you have managed for a while, so give yourself a huge pat on the back.

See thats the thing with gambling. If you were a smoker and gave up for 60 days / 2 months, people would be patting YOU on the back. If you were a drinker and went 2 months with no drink - "isn't he doing well, fair play to him turning his life around"

With gambling, only us (and the people on here) can pat ourselves on the back - well done mate

Blues

Thanks Seenthelight, pellekanin and blues for your kind words of support.

blues... You have hit it on the head..Its like the secret addiction this, one that many of us keep to ourselves while all the time living in it as if we have 2 lives..

We put on the false smiles for loved ones and people that we know and for when we head off to work, etc, etc.. But deep down we are going through total hell trying to come to terms with the situations that we have got ourselves into..

Unless you have done it (like all of us on here) then you wouldn't really understand it i don't think...

Have had a busy 7 days at work and am now off for 3 days am also pleased to say i have sorted out a few problems that i had at work which is a huge weight off my mind..

So day 66 today...

Today i will not gamble..

Have a great bank holiday weekend everyone

Takecare

Hi Lb.. its always good to read your thoughts.. they help. Great stuff on the gambling free time.

Its good that you have sorted out your work issues. Its a big thing isn't it.. sorting out conflict and strife at work. Many of us have no choice about who we work with and what is required of us but sometimes with a little courage and diplomacy we can make some changes that make our work environment a bit better... sometimes anyway. I am of course talking to myself alot here.. cos my work environment is difficult much of the time.. I soldier on.

Your doing great mate.. S.A 🙂

Yo LB

A quick dive by, bump up.

Fantastic to see you still going well. Think a real need to put work into perspective and remember to treat ourselves with our hard earned cash....

Wishing you the best.... Strength LB

Exmug................................

Please give us an update. I hope you are still going strong and resisting any urges that might come your way.