Making it work

Hi again Change :).

I definately think that being around here has helped me fremain gamble free for the last couple of years , not just the back and forth between like minded people ( knowbody know s a CG like another CG ) but the fact that it keeps my memories alive , fresh and still at times quite raw , which for me really help's .

When a newbie comes along and speaks of how there life's just fell apart takes me straight back to the day I arrived here and others rushed forward with support , that sense of relief I got that day just realising that I wasn't alone was unbelievableso I think it's good to pass that forward .

That's why I support the like's of Mixer simply because whatever other's may think about the the right way to do thing's , they don't actually get off their @ r*e and do something , instead just post when they feel they want to have a dig , which in my book isn't support ?.

Sorry went off on a rant there :))

Take care my friend and enjoy what's left of your evening :))

Am feeling ok but pensive for some reason. So much to do, without enough time or energy to achieve. Perhaps I need a bucket list like Matt with definite targets and time limits. As they say: This thing called life is not a dress rehearsal - it's the main event! I need to get off my lazy a*se and make things happen, rather than always using this site as a prop or a comfort blanket!

Thanks Stephen and Alan for your very fine comments. 'accept the experiences we're blessed with and enjoy the ride'. And 'keeping the memories alive - fresh and raw'.
I do think it's vital to keep in the link and maintain a positive connection with other cg's. For me it felt like the only time I have ever truly been understood.

Never stop learning or reaching out.

Hi Change . I have good memories of the south bank from visiting relatives in Winterton . However I remember when I was self excluded from the Hull bookies I occasionally ventured to Barton and Scunthorpe to feed my addiction , not good memories of returning home with no money . Pretty dumb if you ask me and dumber still cos I did it more than once .

I appreciate your fascinating post on my diary . It's only 3 lines but it's very thought provoking , I intend sitting quietly for 30 minutes later and seeing where it takes me ....stephen

Hello changemylife

It can be difficult to find the right balance in life. I haven't yet found my own maintainable productive medium.

Great song.

I'm aware of the much-deserved critical acclaim, CBE and many awards yet I'd still consider Kate Bush a little underrated.

Inimitable enigmatic elegance.

Seemingly the most wonderful mother to Bertie...

And it doesn't get any cooler than that.

Link for the song...

https://youtu.be/VjEq-r2agqc

Good sensible posts from you changemylife, it can take time but you seem to be going in the right direction.

Glint

Hate to put a downer on things but whatever stage you may might be at with your personal recovery I must empathize a few points: If you can remain happy and positive most of the time then you're on a winner. But I believe that gambling has a close link to depression.
Do we gamble because we're depressed, or do we become depressed because we lose.
I know I should think forward. Be positive and be thankful for what I've got.
But I've got to be totally honest: Gambling has been such a massive part of my life that it still consumes me.
The only way out is to have a definitive bucket list of things to do before I die.
So here's my list:-
1) Holiday to Las Vegas (not for gambling)
2)Scuba diving experience
3)Own a jet ski with trailer
4)Buy an apartment in Tenerife (and bask in the sun)
5)Join the mile high club
6)Ride a Harley Davidson
7)Raise money for a good cause
8)Do some voulenteering work
9)Parascending in Austria
10)Wine tasting in the Louvre Valley
11)Buy a quality telescope to view the stars, planets and galaxies.
12) Cook an amazing 5 course meal for all the family.
13)Learn to play the electric guitar
14) Learn a new language
15)Build a collection of artwork images to display in my own gallery
16) Take part in a 3-some. Soz- this should have been in my fantasy diary!
17)Get a snooker or pool table to go in my Man Shed
18)Attend a weekend rock/blues festival
19) Take the family to Disneyland
20)Attend the Munich Beer Festival
21)Go to a champions league final - hopefully with my team Arsenal
22)Renovate an old car or boat and journey afar
23) Take a helicopter ride over Niagara falls
24) Walk the three peaks
25) carve a wooden sculpture

Hi Changemylife,

I've just read through your diary for inspiration and thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of your thoughts especially how analytical you are and trying to understand yourself.

Its interesting to me that the earlier posts apply your intellect to the conundrum that is gambling but as the diary goes on your thoughts widen out and even the use of language changes with much more description. Proof that over time we can emerge from the one track mind/rabbit hole.

If someone offered to pay us a million but in return we'd lose 20% of brain cells (the ones responsible for enjoyment of life's pleasures) would we do it? No. So I have to remember that this is what gambling does to me basically, and no payout is going to be worth that!

4D

Thanks 4D. Yes I guess that I've always had an analytical mind and writing down my thoughts, although I don't particularly like talking to people face to face, or over the phone.

Had a good day today out in the sun assembling my daughters new bike, listening to some random Brazilian rock radio station. Chasing the crazy Jack Russell/Whippet dog around the garden.

Later on I took my daughter to the dance class where she practiced her solo to the soundtrack - 'war of the world', then a duet to - 'make 'em laugh'.

I was asked recently whether or not I am still struggling with gambling urges after 300+ days gf. The true answer is no but only to the extent that I'm not frantically thinking about my next bet. Thankfully, our finances are manageable at this time.

I even managed to attend a horse racing meeting with my OH, without considering a bet. This was a birthday celebration with a live band on stage.

However the problem remains in my head - the insecurity and doubt. Unfortunately I've bitten my nails down again and I think that I can identify the reason for feeling pensive. I've still got 8k of debt to pay off, plus extra loan to finance my project. With 3.5k accessable it's making me feel uncomfortable. Not that I have any notion of gambling with it.

I know that I need to change and keep positive, but I think that the risk of relapse will always be there, until I no longer need the money or the thrill.

I cannot gamble because I cannot win, coz even when I win, I cannot stop. In a different life or scenario I would love to gamble. For me it still holds memories of hightened adrenaline, feelings of empowerment and anticipation. Second only to a fantasy of gorgeous women playing sweet music upon their harpsichord, filling my tankard with a refreshing golden liquid, hightening my spirits, without any pitfalls or calories.

Having large amount's of accesible wonga around frighten's most of us on here I should think ? , I've kinda got passed that stage now but I was a little worried having 3 months off work because of recent surgery combined with the fact that I had a large amount of money in the bank to see me through , which then gave me the time and money , 2 of the 3 we need for the triangle to remain broken . In the past I alway's struggled with not having enough cash in my pocket nad gambling or not would alway's have 2 or 3 hundred pounds on me just in case ? .......................... I think my relationship with money has changed now and I have a more healthy respect for what things cost these day's instead of sticking it all on a credit card because I'd blown my cash in some Bookies :((

314 day's is amazing and you should be very proud of that , the changes in us happen slowly over time and some even go unnoticed but you are changing daily my friend , becoming stronger and much more aware of everything around you . Look on this experience as a sort of re birth , a time where you get to choose your next move but without the fog of gambling to blur your decision .

Stay safe and stay positive and all will be revealed :)).

All the best :))

Thanks Alan. It's so good to be riding along with you on this positive steam ship, thrusting forward away from the troubled shores.

You're so right that you say it's a long journey with changes happening slowly. We have to be thinking 'no turning back'.

Positivity. Optimism. Inner strength and faith.

I've just enjoyed a weekend with the family, celebrating my daughters 21st birthday. We went to see the 'Lion King' performance at the theatre, followed by a meal in Covent Garden.

A special treat and a wonderful memorable experience. Although it cost quite a lot of money, I was actually able to enjoy it without trying to justify the cost. Somehow this is now easier as I compare it to the crazy amounts that I used to lose on a regular basis.

I like to remember the words of wisdom from the show: 'Hakuna Matata' - No problems', - 'no worries' for the rest of your days.

Hello Change, thankyou for posting on my diary, much appreciated .

Congratulations on the weekend in London, a special time for you and your family. Life must be so much better without the gambling madness spoiling things.

Good to see the 4 weapons in your armoury ; positivity, optimism, inner strength, faith . I think your analytic mind must also be a great asset, your ability to look at unwanted thoughts in a dispassionate manner will take away there power.

Brave move to follow your dream and go ahead with the project, hope it all goes well. " A lion sleeps in the heart of every brave man."

Wishing you Hakuna Matata, although I believe most of our problems and worries are just created by ourselves.

Keep your head up - Keep your heart strong.

Today I went with Daisy (our crazy excitable puppy) for a walk across the field. Bright, warm sunshine to lift my spirits; puffy cotton wool clouds decorate a deep blue sky.

When I walk... I think. And when I think - I expand my mind. Waves of happiness come and go.

Not had a drink for a few days. I feel relaxed, but cautious. I don't trust myself. There will always be a craving - coming and going in varying degrees of Strength. Conditioning of the mind. I have urges to get intoxicated - to change the chemical status within my brain. I do not need it, I tell myself. Just like gambling urges - it's a game of psychological chess.

I will probably have a few drinks later this evening. Perhaps I shouldn't - But I know that I will. Thankfully l don't have the same attitude towards having a bet!

Gambling urges used to be strong and persistent; whenever the triangle was intact - Time/Money/Opportunity. I used to plan my gambling activities (mainly sports betting) in advance, then psyche myself up in order to place the bets. The compelling urges would not subside, especially as my planned bets seemed to be set in stone - like it was a matter of life or death to ensure that I got the bets on.

Not sure how this relates to 24/7 online slots, but I can just imagine the compulsion once in play - "just 10 more spins", or one more bonus, or just another £100. But let's face it... This is a different monster altogether - instant access with the constant pressure of delusional enticement.

Nice post, changemylife. Two small observations:

1. Your description of your walk across the field. A gambling-free aura heightens the senses... when you're gambling, you wouldn't even notice the clouds. You'd notice the dog, because you had too.

2. You mention "delusional enticement". Bullseye!

333 days gambling free. Ok it's just a number, although when I used to be in my gambling mode with all thoughts of speculation for accumulation. I may well have been thinking: 3 three's - that must be a lucky link. Perhaps 3 footie teams will win 3-0, or the dog in trap 3 winning 3 times on the trot.

When I think about it now I feel so stupid. The half-baked schemes that I'd think up in order to try to devise a winning formula; lottery numbers for draws on the coupon, pinning a football coupon on a dartboard and even using a yes/no magic answer ball.

Oh well, at least I can now amuse myself thinking about it, with mocking irony.