I don't really know how to start... Probably because I feel depressed and insecure. Probably because I have just realised for the first time in my life that I DO have a gambling problem and I fear the fact that some people may get judgemental about that.
'Here we are, another hopeless loser, we know them so well now.'.
Yesterday I told my wife about my gambling problem. Not that she didn't know about that, she bailed me out so many times in the last 13 years.
I have lost about £15.000 on sports betting in the last 3 months. The worst thing is that I used my credit cards to fund my betting account, which adds interest to my debt. I am not a constant gambler, I have episodes. This is the 3rd major episode since I came in the UK in 2008. I had one episode playing Poker, another one playing Roulette and this time I screwed up with sports bets. Each time losing quite a large amount of money.
I have a few loans because of that, also the credit cards that are now empty. One loan is on my wife's name, she took it last year to help me paying off the credit cards. My mother-in-law (she doesn't live in the UK and doesn't know about my gambling problem, I'm afraid that if she ever finds out about this it would be the end of her as she already has enough health problems) also gave us money to help us with the deposit buying our own house, which has never happened. The money is now gone because of me.
All the loans and credit cards add up to £60.000 debt. I earn about £1.500/month and same does my wife, which makes it really difficult now.
Apart from those 3 major episodes, I was gambling now and then, but not high amounts. £20-50 here and there, only online or lotto. I played Bingo a few times but I got bored, little wins/losses. It was somehow a one-off for me or at least this is what I was thinking. I never thought I had a problem that I could not control. Until now. Looking back I realised that all the hard times I had in my life happened because of my gambling addiction. I could have done so much better without it!
The last 3 months were hell to me. At the beginning I was up about £3.000, then I started losing. By the end of the first month I was already down more than £10.000 and I started chasing losses. I have quite a good knowledge about sports and I was really thinking that will pay off in the end. It did not happen.
I feel miserable and depressed. No self esteem. Empty at times. I cannot focus at work. I almost had 2 car accidents because my mind was in another place. I avoid talking to my friends because I am afraid they could read me. So I did with my wife, until yesterday. That put us way behind and apart from my financial problem now I am trying hard to save my marriage. My wife is the most important person in my life and all I did was just letting her down, betraying her trust and love.
She was always there supporting me, but now I think she got tired of doing that. She told me that she is contemplating divorce and I cannot blame her for that. I do love her and I really hope that I can make it up to her. But it is so hard, these 3 months (added to the other episodes) built up a huge barrier between us. I was on the computer/phone with my bets all the time and we barely talked. She even took her days off when I was working, so she wouldn't have to spend time 'together' with a husband that doesn't talk to her, being always absent despite the fact that physically he was there. I was practically living in a parallel world.
I wish I could take all back. But I can't... I found this website a few days ago and read a lot of topics. It was really hard for me to open up, to admit that I have this problem. Yesterday night I joined the chatroom and I felt better seeing people that don't pity me, willing to encourage and support me. I am looking forward to attend my first GA meeting and seek the help of a councellor. I found one GA meeting in my area (London) and I want to go there next week (this week I will be at work), really hoping that it will make me feel better and that I will get the help to overcome this problem.
I didn't bet since last Thursday and I don't feel any urge to do it. Only thinking of that betting website makes me feel sick. But I know that can change and I want to be ready to fight that when it comes back to me. Because I understood now that it will come back. It will always come back.
I'm Altair, I am 34 years old and I am a compulsive gambler. I should have started this way...
Hi Altair
I can relate to your problems as I, too, am a compulsive gambler and racked up huge debts etc etc. There is a solution to your problem and you are in the right place. It ain't easy but no one said it would be. You have to work hard sometimes to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. Your addictive mind will wait forever for you to return to action. Do not swear off gambling forever as it sometimes becomes all too much. Take it just one day at a time and look no further in the early days. It is so easy to stray and start thinking one day at a time is pointless and so on but stick with it. Do not lose sight of what today is bringing. Tomorrow will look after itself. Speak openly to people about your problems if you feel you can judge them. If you can't then maybe you shouldn't be friends with them. You must do this for your self. I used to say that I want to do it for someone else but it doesn't work. You are the most important person in your life, no one else. I used to say I loved my wife more than anything but the truth was I loved my wife as she enabled me to gamble. Once the enabling stopped I got real and had to address the problem. We now get on better than ever. I am only clean for today and today only. Yesterday is of no importance to me as it has gone. Tomorrow is not here yet. Hope you stick around and listen to some good advice and take note. You will find your way if you truly want it.
Take care
Thank you for your words, Smiler.
I know it won't be easy and I am ready to follow your advice. One day at a time.
I will try to stick to this diary, hoping that it will help. I never kept a diary and I don't really intend to start one now, a proper one. But I will refer myself to this place as to a proof that something has changed in my life.
I finally made up my mind about what gambling means to me. Today I feel better.
Good choice. I am not a source of wisdom just give my views. There are lots of good people on here some you will click with some not so. Above all we all want recovery from this addiction. It is there if you take it with both hands. The money problems you will sort out. If you do not gamble from today then the problems will ease. Try speaking to Netline and they can point you in the right direction. I attended counselling a few years ago and it helped immensely. I never thought it would, you need to have an open mind
Take care
hi there , i somehow feel quite humbled by you situation , i think your very brave for addmiting you have a problem , where i work i used to be very judgemental watching people go by the shop in town , looking at them walking past thinking to myself hes a waster or hes an alcaholic or he needs to get a job , or whatever , but then here i am myself on this site £43000 down , so i think to myself have they lost that much money have they been so stupid , and who is the waster now , my point is the people i saw i now realise may or may not of been doing well but who am i to judge and could i judge a book by its cover and until anybody has been in a certain situation we dont realise what its like or how easy it is to get into , so again my point i get the idea you would like to tell your friends about your problem , well weather you do or dont doesnt matter , what matters is if you do and they think your a waster or an idiot , and to an exstent there right , and would be right about me in that way too , but like i judged people unfairly that walked past my shop when i did not know there situation and even if i thought i did i wouldnt know the way they tick to know why they are in that situation , in the same way your friends or anybody else who cares what they think , as they do not understand , and probably never will , not that it is an excuse to gamble its not , its just although like my dad was right it was stupid to start gambling and stupid to carryon when not yet addicted [ he does not know i carried on and lost loads he just thinks i have lost a couple of hundred ] its just they nor anybody would not understand why we gamble and what buzz it gives us and why we cant stop , although now we must . In the same way i have tried what i would call soft drugs and not bothered with them again and never remotley felt addicted or attached to them and didnt want them again and even smoking i smoke now and then when a little drunk when out for a night , but smell smoke of somebody the next day would like a cigarette but i can easily without hardly thinking about it just not smoke again , so again we are all different on this planet some get addicted to drugs or drink or gambling or smoking or abit of everything , some people can do anything ie a night at a casino and never think about it again , Not me i went to a csaino and thats all i thought about for the next 18 months , so what im saying is dont worry about what your friends think they might think your daft , and maybe there right abit before the addiction kicked in but they would never understand after the the addiction has kicked in , sorry to go on i do tend to it helps me a little i think . Have you thought about bankrupsy or an iva , i havnt but im in a lucky situation where i do not have as much debt as you , its just with that much debt i think you might find it hard to move on , although you must make sure you are not going to gamble again if you go down that road as if you do it would be pointless because it would undo the fresh start of going bankrupt. also there is no shame in bankrupsy . have you selfexcluded from every possible site and linked sites bookies casinos ect ect ...if not you must do this now , and let your wife know you have and that you are on this site as she will see you are facing up to rsponabilities . whats gone is gone , today is the first day of the rest of your gamble free life , dont look back at the losses it does not matter , i just look at my £43000 as a very exspensive lesson not to gamble and that i must be a slow learner as it took me a long while to realise i just could not beat the roulette wheel , but i am going to beat this addiction , altghough yes i think it will be there for the rest of my life and i say that with some sadness , but although that is the case i will just resist for the rest of my life , whatever it takes , even if i feel like a gamble , and feel down about something or other so i think i might aswell have a gamble , why make it worse for myself why put myself in more debt and why make myself more down , No i will not gamble anymore even if down or fed up or bored or have an urge or simply miss the fun of gambling i will not gamble instead i will find something more forfilling more lasting something that produces a smile at the start the middle and the end rather than a fake buzz at the start pannic in the middle with utter disaster upset depression and pain and tears at the end , I cant take anymore of that , I CAN NOT GAMBLE BECAUSE I CAN NOT STOP. i feel for your marriage and hope you will be ok , even if it does not go well dont let this addiction take over , dont be a victim to it anymore , wish you well and again sorry to ramble , i love this site so much i know tonight i honestly would of gammled again if it was not for this site , not so much because of an urge but because it just felt right to gamble tonight , but i havnt and i intend not to , tomorrow is day 14 or 15 for me without gambling , keep strong your not on your own on here hope you do it
Hi tryer, it was really nice to read your post.
I wrote a long post this morning, including a link to a movie scene (I'll come back to that) and my account has been suspended. It was done automatically due to that link posting. Fair enough, it could have been p0rn or any other stupid thing. The admin has just reinstated my account.
I will be quick this time, as I have to go to work.
It is my 5th day without gambling and it feels good. I had an urge to place a bet last night, it just felt right to do it. But I stopped, I watched a movie instead. I'm proud of that.
I closed my betting account, I used only one betting site, I had no interest in opening an account with the other ones.
I gave bankruptcy/IVA a thought, but I don't feel comfortable going that way. I still hope that I can get a mortgage and have my own house. If I go that way (apart from the fact that it would simply make me feel really miserable) I won't be able to do it. I know that my debt is high and that moment is quite far now, but I cannot lose hope. It's all I've got now.
I will try to get some more extra shifts and increase my income. It won't be much, but at least I can try. I feel guilty towards my wife, she doesn't have to go through this, it was all my fault and she doesn't have to pay for it. I never missed a payment and I don't want to start now. Funny enough, a few months ago my credit score was Excellent and I wanted to keep it that way. Hard years are about to come for me now, dealing with the debt and the payments.
What I find really difficult to deal with at the moment is the guilt feeling. Especially towards my wife. It is so painful to look back and I feel a pain in my chest like my soul has been torn apart. I can only hope it will get better, as apparently it gets worse each day.
I mentioned in the beginning of the post a movie scene. I watched that movie a few months ago. It's definitely not my favourite movie, but I was really impressed by that scene. One family lost their child in an accident. Becca (Nicole Kidman) was wondering how will she deal with the loss.
The memory of this scene just stroke me this morning, thinking of my pain, God knows the reason that it happened for. If any. The pain felt so real, it was like it happened to no one but me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J5BocWWg0w
This is the dialogue (but I do encourage you to watch the scene as well):
Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...
[deep breath]
Nat: not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
I feel really miserable when I think about past and guilt is eating me alive. I know that I will have to carry that brick for the rest of my life, going through this fight against the gambling demon I have inside me. It will always be there. And I am willing to do that. But what about the GUILT? Does it ever go away? Because it's literally killing me. It is so painful and I just want it to go...
I believe it won't go and probably that's a good thing, a reminder to me of what can happen if I ever think of going back that way.
Have a nice day, guys. I'm off to work.
Day 6 without gambling.
I am just having a bad morning. But I won't gamble, that is for sure.
Hi Altair - I went on an assertive course once and was told that hanging on to bad feelings about yourself is like carrying a large sack of rocks on your back 24/7. Similarly your 'brick' will prevent you from moving on to a better way of life. It's good to remember how wasteful/selfish/downright stupid we have been, but we have to forgive ourselves too.
Human beings make all sorts of mistakes - it's what makes us human - I'm sure even your wife has made some too. So please don't beat yourself up so much that it prevents you from going forward. There's a lot of good things out there for you and your family to enjoy - rejoice in the fact that you have made that massive leap to freedom which will enable you to really 'live'. Good wishes to you.
Joanna
Hi Joanna and thanks for being here for me.
At the moment I cannot make peace with my memories. It's really frustrating to look back on your life and notice that you were actually out of it.
I quit smoking yesterday and today is just not my day. Doubt is probably the word I could use.
I contacted NetLine and I am looking forward to get a phone call from a councellor, setting up a meeting. I'm a bit nervous about that. Hope and doubt, I don't know which one is stronger today.
A friend of mine once told me that everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end. It may be a cheap saying though. I have nothing more to lose, I'll just have to take his word for that. It makes me feel a bit better.
Hi Altair - your friend is right - I am a lot older than you I am sure, and from experience I know that most things right themselves in the long run. Looking back on my life I can remember being so worried about certain things which now I see were not worth wasting time worrying about. Sometimes I project myself upwards as if looking down on our planet and see that we are such tiny things in the Universe and so taken up with our petty quarrels, upsets and so on that it just seems ridiculous. That doesn't mean we should dismiss real problems - I know it's hurting for you at the moment, but you only have to read other postings on this site to know that things can and will get better for you if you really want it. Whether you are religious or not, I think this prayer from St Francis is worth remembering:
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."
There are many things which happen to us and which we have no control over: accidents, illness, other people's attitudes, but we can change our own habits, thoughts and feelings.
Be strong and have faith in yourself.
Joanna
I used to be religious. Probably I still believe in God. I have my doubts, I've been thinking quite a lot of it lately. Last time I went to a church it was years ago.
I remember I was once even digging into the origin of the prayer you mentioned, with Reinhold Niebuhr and all that stuff. Regardless of who the author is - that doesn't even matter -, it is a nice prayer, thank you for sharing it.
I very much clicked with you on that looking down on our planet image. I've been there. It's amazing to notice how simple everything is and how complicated we make that at times. From a certain point of view, I could barely find any difference between us and any other animal species on Earth. If we extrapolate that to the Universe, as a whole, it's getting ridiculous. Or maybe it's just me going bonkers.
I wish I could say more about that, but I have to go to work. Maybe some other time. In the meantime I am dealing with my gambling addiction, which seems to be a huge problem, with devastating effects. We are such tiny creatures, aren't we?
I cheated on my smoking cessation today and I'm not feeling good about it.
I was having my cigarette when the phone rang. It was the counsellor, I will have the first meeting with him on Monday. Yay!
Maybe that's a sign. I mean, what were the odds to get that phone call exactly when I was doing something wrong?
I have to stop smoking. No more. It's a bad habit. I will start reading Allen Carr's book again.
Hi Altair - Good news about the appointment with your counsellor; I hope it goes really well for you on Monday.
Don't be too hard on yourself re. the smoking - I know it's a bad habit, but it's a big 'ask' of yourself to be battling against two demons at the same time. Hopefully getting to grips with the gambling problem will make you feel so much better about yourself that the need to smoke will wane.
Joanna
Hi Altair thanks for advice on issues with discussion about debt to hubbie. Still in a quandary but It will resolve. Trying to stop smoking but that's another story baby steps it does ease with time and keep posting . Hitthefanx
Fingers crossed!
I'm tired, but content. No gambling. No smoking. No cheating. There is hope.
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