Ok so here goes - the last time I wrote an online diary was for getting over a pretty bad relationship break up - I got through that one AND I lost three stone in the process - that's what I call a result.
Day 1 resulted in losing to the online slots yet again to the point of having an empty bank account and stumbling through 'Google' looking for a 'cure' - haha. Hence I registered here and spent all evening feeling sorry for myself and read the posts until bedtime.
Today, Day 2 I almost told my 'better half' what I had done. He was talking about setting a date for the wedding and I dont want to have any secrets from him. I was lying next to him with the morning cuppa, imaging how I would start the conversation...."Honey, I have to tell you something - you know all that money you earn to support us and my own new business.....well, I spend all day in the office playing slots......" Call me a coward but I think this may be bad enough for a few weeks without the added strain of knowing a) he's watching my every move and b) my imagination in overdrive if he even looks at me funny.......so I will keep quiet for now but have promised myself that once I put this right by working my b**t off to replace the money and to stop doing it, he has every right to know.
Checked my email account and the bleep bleep casino has sent me a VIP bonus of £50 to spend. HA HA - VIP bonus - bet most of the staff have retired to the caribbean thanks to me.
What did I do with it? I deleted the email but of course it still shows up as funds in my account - The bad voice in my head has been arguing with the good one all day "Go on, what can it hurt?" - "Go and clean the oven instead" - "Buts its FREE money, its not from the bank account" - "Slippery slope - walk the dog instead" - "Well walk the dog and then treat yourself to the very last few spins EVER" - "No, wrap some Christmas presents instead" .....and on it goes.......
I have four withdrawals pending in that darn casino - two went through this morning and two more to go then I can delete all trace of the place, block myself and start afresh (and I dont mean on another site!).
I thought I would shock myself into keeping the 'good voice' louder by looking at my deposit and withdrawal history. I've not been playing too long and was just dowloading Octobers deposit history - not too bad thinks I, could be far worse - 7 entries of £50 each. Until I realised that there were another 7 pages of history to go just for October alone..................and it got worse through November and now the first two weeks of December.
I then looked at the withdrawals - ok, they by no means 'even things out' but it could have been worse. I did have a few big wins so all in all I have lost half what I thought had......so I actually feel quite upbeat.
Roll on day 3.........
Day 3 - Relapsed! It was that little voice in my head telling me that I hadnt lost as much as I thought, which meant I had nothing to lose with 'one last chase' - that ended in £500 down last night. I waited until my partner was asleep and snuck downstairs and span the reels. How sick did I feel when I didnt actually recoup any losses but added to them! How stupid can one person be? How many more lessons do I need to learn?
So - a pretty depressing day today and still I hear the whispering voice telling me to 'give it another go'. I'm not going to.....I am stronger than this.
Might ask the chemist if they do anti-gambling patches alongside the nicotine replacement ones.....OK so back to Day 1 really - today I will not go on that site. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sorry to hear of your slip up.
I think the sooner you confide in your other half the better, the debts will only get bigger and the shame get worse unless you stop now and ask for her. He is the one you are prepared to commit your life to by getting married, for better and for worse I'm sure he will help you out.
I'd go to your doctor and ask for some help, perhaps you are depressed and some counselling combined with some medication could help?
I have tried every method of quitting going and the best by far is support from loved ones. Counselling was also good for me but others find help in online diarys, GA, hynotherapy etc.
Hi
I used to gamble in secret too and I often used to gamble at anti-social times (early morning, middle of the night). Only you can decide if you want to tell your partner. I went for a number of years before I came clean, and even when I did it was only because I got caught out. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I couldn't ever visualise how the conversation would go and to be honest, I was just plain scared to say the words out loud. Saying them makes it real; and once it's real then you have to deal with it. One thing to can to is to download K9 onto your computer, iphone, laptop etc.. It's a free parental control which is used to block access to a number if sites, including gambling. I set a random password, (I just chose two totally random words from a TV prog I was watching at the time). I gave the password to my partner (who knew about my gambling) but you could always tell your other half that you have blocked yourself from shopping on-line? Give him the password and ask him to hide it for you. I know it's scary but if you really want to stop you need help. If you cant access the sites, you cant gamble.
stay strong x
Thank you for your enouragement and yes I will sort something like K9 out.
Wages went into bank today - last ones for a long time as we are starting our own business. Even more reason to save money and stop spinning it. Woke up fine, quite upbeat, logged onto the slot site to check my withdrawals had processed (which they had) and had every intention of closing the account. Did I heck! Bye bye £300 in ten minutes.
I now have to speak to my partner properly - I have sort of broached it with him - he knows I have a little flutter and of a weekend he will say ' go on treat yourself to £10' .....poor man....I've been treating myself to hundreds and hundreds. I told him that I had been educating myself on 'these online slots' and because I know that I have an addictive personality I was wary of falling into the same trap and intended to never waste another penny on them. But of course he thinks I'm a lucky player as he only ever hears about the wins. I have to come clean as to the extent of my problem and I'm not sure how he will take it. That is more scary than the thought of having no money.
I'm not making excuses for my behaviour but I have thought long and hard about my mental state - I have been on a low dose anti-depressant for many years, my job security was never very good as although I was a high earner, the contracts were always quite short and I'd have to fid another job every six months - hence the self employment route now. I cannot speak to my doctor as part of my self employment involves me being registered with a government agency to trade - and they need a fitness statement from my GP. My life has always been a little topsy turvy and when I was pretty well off from working, I would always 'treat myself' to nice things in the shops or a good haircut - now I cant do that as the money isnt there. I am realistic, I am able to look deeply at myself and I know what I am doing is not right, but I dont feel depressed in general - I feel lucky to have this opportunity to become self employed - I have a home, two great sons, food on the table (for now) and my partner is an amazing person - I think the problem started because the first few times I played, I won. That gave me a huge buzz. I then chased that buzz for a few weeks and lost. Because I lost, I chased the loss of money. And now its a vicious circle. The only way to break it is to stop now. Quit. Chalk up to experience and move on.
Day 4 - started badly, lost £300 - but that was 3 hours ago and for 3 hours I have not been a gambler. Tomorrow at this time I will say that for 27 hours I have not gambled.
Day 5 - for 27 hours I have not gambled!
I've told my partner too. It wasn't quite the reaction I had expected but then I should never have doubted his support and belief in me. The man really is a saint. He was upset but only because I was crying and shaking. I told him everything - how I have blown my last months pay, that I dont just have the little £20 flutter now and then like he thought, that I would sneak down at night and deposit £200 or £300 at a time, that I was getting more and more desperate and doing £12 stakes for every spin. He didnt care about any of that - he was just worried that I was upset. We put K9 on the home computer/laptop and he has the password.
So - all in all a positive if emotional evening for all.
Glad my grubby secret is in the open.
I have no urge to gamble today but to start being a better version of me.
I'm really happy it all went well, I think all us gamblers have the fear and shame that we don't want to tell anyone which in turn makes things worse. When it does come out it's usually such a relief and often met with love and support!
I think it will be a real turning point for you!
Well...not posted for a while. Sort of hovered on the sidelines from time to time.
Fell off the slot machine wagon royally after 4 weeks of doing well. Not even sure how it happened! Had a glass or two of wine one evening and thought "what the heck - treat myself to £20 deposit on a new site (self excluded from my usuals) and before I knew it I had lost £250. Then last weekend, because I had felt so bad for losing that much needed cash, I thought I could get it all back - and spent another £400 chasing my losses.
What a mess! Bank overdrawn, partner unaware and I feel like utter do-do. I feel sick and headachey, not sleeping well - I think maybe I need to speak someone face to face. I know I have a problem, but I cant quite believe that this could happen to me. How have I become so addicted and stupid about this? Why cant I have some more self control? I am an intelligent, professional woman who plays stupid on-line games for money she/the family can ill afford. All I'm doing is digging a huge hole.
Feels better to have admitted it out loud again.
Back to day one of 'Today I have not gambled...........'
Find your local GA meeting. Accept what you do doesnt work for you in tackling addiction.
Dan
Hi Michelle
OK so you have had relapses, but the positive is you have come back here. Have you thought about handing your money over to your partner, therefore breaking the triangle. Keep at it and be proud of yourself for not giving up trying to give up
Take care
Cheryl xx
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