Mortgaging my future.

Day 4

No thoughts or urges to gamble - but regularly worry - 'what if I cant stay away, what happens if i relapse'.

I find it a scary thought that I will have to be vigilant for the rest of my life. I might steer clear of gambling for a decade, but all it would take is one moment of weakness or just a blurring of the memory of how inevitable big losses will always be for me in the long term.

I once read something to the effect of the things we resist the most are the very things we must do. I still think you should tell your fiancé but I totally understand the resistance. Will you still have access to this site when you are away travelling for work?

Hi Carla,

You might be right, I think telling my fiance would be the right thing to do if I didn't know for sure that it would tear her apart.

She thinks I am the one who has it together, in all other aspects of my life I am completely stable. At the moment she is the one going through emotional turmoil, she is still affected by the loss of her dad, frustrated at having to live at home with her mother and work 100 miles from where I work. She works shifts and it makes her tired. I just feel if I told her this now it would really devastate her.

I am not scared to tell her, I really am not. I just dont want to make her life s**t. I can conquer this, I know I will so I dont feel the need to hurt her now.

I will tell her when the time is right. It might transpire that this was the wrong decision, but it only makes me more determined to never gamble again, so that I dont have to break her heart.

I wont have access to this site while I am away, but similarly I will have literally zero chance to gamble. So that is not a problem. I will have breaks every three, four or five weeks where I will be able to come here and post, and I will do that. It will probably be one of the first things I do.

Well, I hope you're right. I also did not want to tell my sister or brother as they both have their own struggles and I couldn't stand the thought of telling them. In the end, I couldn't have picked a worse time. My sis is having marital trouble, financial trouble and blood pressure issues so while, I thought I was "protecting" her before, it turned out the cat came out of the bag at an even worse time. If not telling your fiancé truly does keep you from gambling, then that's a good thing. It didn't work that way for me. I chuckled at your last post in my diary about carrying on giving you advice as I certainly haven't been very good at taking my own advice! Good luck with your car sale. Maybe "the universe" is conspiring to help you out of this. Keep posting! I'm off to my music fest shortly and looking forward to the distraction.

Great quote 'I feel good about it (telling a friend), maybe he thinks less of me now but this is who I am so it was the right thing to do.

Day 5

Nothing to report. Looking forward to a gamble free weekend.

Will be driving alot and staying in a hotel alone on saturday night. Might normally involve at the very least stopping at services to play slots or some online blackjack at the hotel.

No chance of that this weekend.

Staying gamble free.

Hey, well done on the progress, in a few days you be a week clear of gambling then before you know it the time will have flown by! Have a fab gamble free weekend!!!

Thanks pinksparkle!

Have hit first hurdle on what will be a long road to financial recovery.

Received a fairly awful offer on my car today, but was considering taking it in order to get my finances properly on the road to recovery before leave the uk with work.

The problem is I owing to my previous gambling I took out a finance deal with horrendous interest ( I had of course intended to pay it back quickly but as you will understand - gambling got in the way of that). To be perfectly honest getting that loan was a bit of a blur and I thought it wasn't tied to the car. I have been a bit naive to think I could sell the car and use the money to pay off other debts.

There was actually £200 of negative equity, so selling my car would involve me paying this delta, money that I can not afford to use at the moment.

I was really hoping to pay off all the more pressing debts I have at the moment from my recent meltdown.

I do realise paying off my car finance can only be a good thing. It just means I have a rather difficult month ahead.

It is not fun dealing with the side effects of a decade spent gambling.

The good thing though is the way I feel about things now. The resolve to never gamble again is pretty much priceless, so no matter how much i am leaking money at the moment from the aftermath of the recent gambling meltdown, I am actually better off than I ever have been.

Its going to be a tough time ahead, but everyday is a positive step

Hi Stark

It was good to catch up on chat (albeit briefly!).

I've managed to have a wee read through your diary and identify with much of your postings. It sounds like you've made really positive start and I wish you well.

Like you, I gamble online and have found my "blocker" to be a godsend. It really does help (especially with all the casino e-mails offering allsorts) when things get tough.

One of the things I have noticed is the value of money now, its so easy to lose perspective online as we're not handing out cash.

You are right in your last statement- each day gamble free is a massive achievement 🙂

take care

Irene

x

I do hope you're stronger than me James... you were right about that $1700.... gone. Safe travels to you and stay strong!

Day 10

Everything going well.

Had a weekend of traveling alone - stopped at motorway services 4 times - absolutely no impulse to play the slots. I am confident now that I can keep well clear of such machines. which bodes well as they are the most accessible and 'in your face'.

Have had my fiance staying with me as she managed to get some time off work. It has meant I havent been able to come on here. Its good that I miss this site when i cant get on it. I want this site to be the stronger memory in my mind than gambling.

Finances are still poor - however have had some firm bids for my car in the ballpark of being acceptable so expect to sell pretty soon.

I think that will really be the start of my financial recovery.

Very happy to be staying gamble free.

Hi Stark,

Well done on your gamble free days and also resisting in the service station, You must always be on your guard though as those urges will come when you least expect them.

Each day that you make the right choice not to gamble you are getting nearer to the future that you want.

As duncs says you gift yourself a 100% payrise the day you stop gambling. Long may that continue, stay focused.

take care

blondie

Thanks Blondie,

Day 11.

I am functioning completely as normal, but am keeping being stressed at bay. Now is really not a good time for money to be tight and it is really frustrating I have done this to myself.

I am in no way tempted to try to 'gamble' my way to a quick fix as I might have in the past - this would be doomed to failure.

I hope I remember what this is like in 5 or 10 years time when these hard times are a memory.

I have risked taking the joy out of my fiancees wedding preparations. So far my lack of current funds hasn't affected anything. I am thankful for that.

Going to start getting myself fit again - completely unrelated to my recovery. But it will be good to channel myself into something positive.

Stark.

Fella I am writing on your thread for the first time to congratulate you on your progress in recovery thus far.

The effort you are giving your recovery will help in continuing to build a resolve to remain gamble free.

You are so correct in your analogy that gambling will only be a quick fix and to look into the future to see what living gamble free will gift you is an amazing thing.

Be very proud of your efforts.

One day at a time life will improve the debt will lessen a thing that for sure gambling would not bring, those debts would grow.

Keep up the great work.

One day at a time

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Go James!