Mortgaging my future.

Day 13

All is good, been busy with work and limited money so absolutely no thoughts about gambling.

Saw an audi R8 on autotrader for £35k yesterday (07 plate 30000 miles) . I thought to myself that if I had put all the money I had lost gambling in my life into a pile id have probably been able to buy it outright.

A very sobering thought.

If I ever want nice things must never ever gamble again.

Zero tolerance.

Day 15

Thats 2 weeks down.

Every journey starts with a few small steps.

Day16

Sold my car yesterday. Didn't get an amazing piece and was only left with a very small amount of equity. It's a bit depressing as it hasn't improved my finances ostentatiously and I am now still facing a stressful 2 months as I recover from my immediate financial problems.

The good news is that there was 'some' equity and that I now have £230 less to pay every month - and have just wiped out a large chunk of my debt!

I now have money in the bank to survive the month comfortably with.

I took out some crazy short term loans ( one of the symptoms which highlights how out of control my loss chasing got) and these are what I am worried about . It will wipe me out straight away next pay day.

I really need to get a loan from a family member as I am finding it hard to keep up the pretense to my fiancé that I am not in debt.

To make matters worse now she thinks I have just banked a small fortune from selling the car - she doesn' know I had such big finance on it.

I know this sounds really bad and I may come accross in the vein of 'lieing to support my addiction' but this is not the case. I just know I have turned the corner and I can end this forever now without subjecting my fiancé to the pain of it. She stresses about every nuance of the wedding and if she found about about this now it would ruin everything for her. As soon as I go away (in a few weeks time) I will be earning a lot of money and not spending much - hence I will be able to turn around my finances in a short space of time. I realise I am lucky in this respect and otherwise I realise I would have to tell her.

Despite these problems - very pleased to be gamble free.

Day 17

Had a nightmare last night where I accidentally started gambling on a fruit/slot machine. The horror of what I had done hit me straight away and all I remember in the dream was the shame at how I would have to report on here of my failure.

I am taking that as a really good sign as to where my brain is.

Gambling was always a slow burner for me. It would usually take a good week of minor gambling to build up momentum to lose a great deal.

I have alot of layers of safety in place now. In addition to knowing I must have an absolutely zero tolerance policy forever now.

Going to try and borrow some money before I go away to pay off some of my more horrific short term debts.

I feel safe borrowing money. I have always paid back everything in the past. And I really do feel like I have said goodbye to gambling this time.

Day 19

Still finding it such good therapy to read posts and threads on here. So many different stories, different circumstances, but all eerily familiar.

I think it was when I realised there were so many people who were behaving/had behaved like me that I realised it wasn't that I was letting myself down on the numerous occasions I gambled every penny I had. I was letting myself down on EVERY occasion I gambled.

I just couldn't see the link. I was only cross with myself when I gambled to excess, not when I just gambled.

Of course I know now there is no such think for me as a small gamble. There is no difference between a loss and a win. It's all the same.

Thanks for your recent post on my diary. I admire your determination. I'm glad you were able to sell your car. I'm a bit confused about what you wrote, though. You want to take out another loan to pay off your other loans? I'm assuming you are searching for lower interest?

Hi Stark!

Great job staying gamble free, and reading your posts it looks like you really have the right set of mind and have put lot of thought into your recovery.

Keep it up and keep reading and posting!

Thanks Jer and Carla,

I sometimes re-read my posts and realize the spelling and grammar is awful and sometimes what I have written isnt particularly clear.

For that I apologise, I usually write my posts in a frenzy rather than taking time to construct my thoughts slowly.

With regards to my loan. The reason I needed it is because, to my shame, I took out a load of payday loans, the fact I had done this really helped me to see how out of control my loss chasing had now become.

If gambling had not been in my life I would definitely be one of those people who saw payday loans as madness. Well I do see them that way and yet I have taken them out off and on for the last 6 months.

It is so embarrassing and shameful.

Because of my decent wages and the fact that I have managed to not do catastrophic damage to my credit rating (though I realise its going to be severely tainted for at least a year now!) payday companies have been willing to loan me big sums. This month I had to take out 2 biggish ones just to hold everything together.

While I have very rarely taken out a payday loan with the direct intention to gamble it, they have all been taken out as a direct consequence of loss chasing. Its a humiliating and tragic situation.

In fact I haven't seen anyone mention payday loans on any of the diaries I have read on here , so for once I feel very alone in my stupidity!

As I have mentioned, selling my car did not help this situation as there wasn't a great deal of equity (and that equity got swallowed up in my bank balance currently teetering on the bring of the overflow of my overdraft!

Despite the horror of this situation - the direct result of gambling has/will result in charges and late fees in excess of what alot of people will earn in a month, I still feel happy.

I am happy because the costs of this month are insignificant compared to the magnitude of the life decisions I have made (zero tolerance to any gambling forever)

A family member today gave me a cheque for exactly the amount I had wanted to completely pay off all short term loans and late charges. I cannot overstate how much emotion I feel towards this act. It has literally saved me and I feel a complex mixture of shame, gratitude, elation and relief.

I have read many diaries and noted the double edged sword that 'being bailed out' can be. Many people seem to go on to reset the clock as it were and start gambling again, shortly to get themselves into the same situation again..or worse.

All I can say is that I have a very good track record of repaying my debts ( I have today borrowed pretty much exactly one months salary) and that I have carefully ensured I have many layers of protection to prevent a relapse.

I must never ever forget the kindness I have been shown and the shame I have felt. I should add that I did not reveal the cause of my need for the money, I simply said I needed it to ensure elements of the wedding are paid for in my absence. It is a lie of omission, for what i said is broadly true, these debts must be paid to get myself back on track by the time of my september payday, otherwise ill just be paying catchup with payday interest rates.

I have undeservedly been given the chance to put everything right by the time of my return to the uk next year. I must never forget that I have been given this chance, against the odds (that is a really poor choice of phrase I have just realised), I have somehow avoided ruining my reputation and trustworthiness and more importantly have avoided breaking my lovely fiancees heart.

I have written and will continue to write this down for the benefit of my future self to ensure he never forgets. I also hope it might help someone else to avoid the mistakes I have made and the even worse mistakes I am doing everything to avoid in the future.

I forgot to say, thats Day 20 down.

1 hour until 3 weeks ticked off.

James.

Fella be proud of the fact you are in a better place financially. You must be of good character to have been able to secure a loan and the humility you show will bring with it a great resolve.

Gambling took away my rational self, payday loans were an easy source of income and yes without gambling i would too have said 'what a loan at those interest rates your having a laugh!!' but throw gambling into the mix and rational thinking goes for a Burton!!!

You are doing the right thing fella your diary is testament to that.

Keep putting it down.

Me i thank you for it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yay, James! I'm so happy things are going well for you and that you're managing to abstain.

Thankyou Carla,

Day 21

And I would say day 1 of rebuilding finances. I am significantly better off that I was yesterday (thanks to interest free family loan) and therefore it is completely in my hands to be able to put 'rock bottom' in my past now.

Every day gamble free is a day better off. Every day is a healing step.

Day 22.

Last day off for a while. In fact I only have a few more days off before I leave the UK for 6 months.

In the short term I seem to have complete control over gambling. I dont have any urges to gamble and I have a huge resolve.

Its still only been a short time (about 4 weeks) since I lost emptied my bank account a chased my losses with loans. For that reason I cant think that I have beaten this. I have to ASSUME I will face great temptation in the future and owing to that I have to keep this up.

You're wise to remain vigilant, James. This creeps up on us and temptation rears its ugly head when we least expect it, and sometimes without any apparent reason. You'll be gone for a long time and, I think, you said that where you're going you won't be able to gamble, right? That's super. I guess I'd suggest to pencil in a diary or somewhere some sort of reminders to think about reasons to not gamble well before you are to return home. And this means we won't hear from you much during the 6 months, right? I am sooooo rootin' for you!

Day 23

My last post was a bit unclear, I meant to say I only have a few days left where I will not be working, I still have a couple of weeks before I 'go'. Its going to be quite busy.

I will get the chance to post on here every 3 or 4 weeks, which I will do. Gambling will only be available intermittently, but I would have to go actively seeking it, and I was never that kind of gambler.

Thinking about it, and I have been to most parts of the world, they are few places where gambling is so entrenched and 'in your face' as the UK.

I wonder if the government will ever wake up to the destruction it causes. Although in their defense I was oblivious to the damage for my first decade of gambling and it is only in the last 2 years that I have slowly and I do mean slowly come to realise the true nature of the beast.

Having discovered this site and the weakness that resides in me, I do question now just how many people I pass by each day that are hiding a devastating secret from everyone they know, including themselves.