Mortgaging my future.

When the gambling demon takes a grip, you can find a way almost anywhere. It's also very "in your face" here in Canada and the self-exclusion process is a joke. I too get very frustrated by the attitude and lack of responsibility of the government. Keep up the good work, James!

Day 24.

One final (I hope) aftershock* from gambling meltdown...big cheque I received as a loan from family will clear a day late (thanks to bank holiday) and therefore be fractionally too late to clear all my debts on cleanly and on time.

Its a minor hiccup but it just makes me realise quite how in trouble I would be if I did not have people I could turn to who trust me.

Its quite a scary thought because this addiction I suppose makes us untrustworthy in the long run because we cannot even trust ourselves.

I am not sure when I will trust myself again. It has only really been in the last month that I realised I was not to be trusted. Perhaps from the start of my diary is the time I can be honest with myself and fully in control - I just have no way of knowing. I 'feel' like im cured but I know im not. There are too many people on here who relapsed after long periods of abstinence for me to allow myself that the battle is won.

They say the highest change of relapse is after 90 days often due to overconfidence so you're wise to be on guard always. Don't worry about that little "hiccup". It'll be cleared up before you know it and if the deposit is there only a wee bit late, there shouldn't be any fallout. Keep on keeping on!

Day 28

Happy 1 month re-birthday to me.

Have been completely bailed out by family and all 'extremely embarrassing' (payday loans) paid off.

I have no idea how I managed to rack up so many of them - the last gambling meltdown I had was almost a blur. I have no idea how those companies do their credit scoring but I took out enough to require a month and a halfs salary just to pay them back. (and I earn quite good money) That is crazy! It just goes to show how out of control I was becoming.

Anyway that's all in the past now. Ive had money available for a while now and have had no thoughts of desires to gamble.

I am glad to be out of the phase where I have hardly any money - this puts alot of stress on me as I am unable to spoil my fiancee or encourage us to do things that require any great expenditure.

Next phase is paying back my family which will take 2 months. If that isnt a reason to stay on the wagon then I dont know what is.

Day 29

Going to be leaving the UK very soon, so if I disappear from this site for some time it is not because I have given up. If I was staying I would continue writing as near to everyday as possible.

I will not be able to write where I am going.

Wishing you all the best while I am away.

I stand in admiration of your continued abstinence and firm resolve! Proud of how far you've come already!

Day 63

I am back into civilisation and as promised am posting on as near to the first opportunity as possible.

I have no temptations or relapses of any kind to report. Where I have been I haven't had the opportunity to gamble, but where I am now there would be plenty of temptation and now I have plenty of money ( what a difference a month makes!). I said there 'would be' plenty of temptation because it just isn't temptation any more.

If you ignore the Huge debts I have from gambling my financial situation is healthy now (a slightly counter-intuitive statement I know) - many of you know the incredible damage gambling induced debt stress can do and thanks to family I don't have any of that now.

I am looking at gambling machines and advertising almost in a detached way now. There is no urge at all, nor disgust, nor a grimace at my past stupidity... It is almost something that has passed out of the realm of possibility for me. Like a professional footballer realising that his legs have gone and he must retire.

I won't be able to post for many more days now, before I 'disappear' once again. But I will be back whenever I can... And I will never get complacent or forget...

Wishing all of you the best in your own unique personal quests

James

Welcome back, James! I was thinking of you yesterday actually and wondering how you were getting on. Glad to see you reporting positive thoughts, feelings and most importantly, actions. I've been doing the usual up and down rollercoaster ride since you've been away. Some of us just don't learn so readily! BUT... have been feeling a bit more positive of late and not giving up the fight. Will look forward to more good news from you next time you return. Congrats!

Day 79

Back in communication with the world again, although I will be disappearing again very soon. I still feel divorced from the world of gambling. Day 79 still feels like way too early to make any bold claims but I have had 79 days of no urges at all and my resolve feels as strong as from day 1. I dont think I will ever forget why I am doing this, and that gives me great confidence.

I bought my fiance an ipad for her birthday , that is something I might not have been able to do if I was gambling. I am sure she would have been just as happy if id have bought her something thoughtful for something worth 10% as much, but it is nice to be in a position to do it.

I need now to get my finances back to a healthy state so I can really feel like a normal person.

I am wondering if I should change banks in order to get a fresh start. I dont know what the bank rules are - I know the 6 month history is an important measure of your finance, but will my bank ever really forget I was a gambler once? I hope they have a rule where they are not allowed to make notes on your account beyond a certain time period.

They will certainly have observed some seriously irregular and reckless behavior in the past.

I will update at my next opportunity (probably in a couple of weeks).

All the best to all of you.

Day 93

Things are going well for me. With every paycheck I am undoing the damage I have done to myself.

I really dont need gambling in my life in any form ever again.

I genuinely have barely given it a thought for the last few months.

Has anyone ever read or watched ' a clockwork orange' where they try to make the protagonist physically sick by violence to cure him from his wicked ways? - I think there are multiple endings to the book (one pessimistic and one positive) so the success of such a 'treatment' in the context of the book is debatable depending one which ending you read/watch. - I think I have achieved a kind of detached disdain for gambling which ensures I wont even be tempted and protects me from any sadness from having a former pastime be off limits (lets face it, many of us end up wanting what we cant have). In the first few weeks of giving up I felt very strongly that something had been taken away from me and that I might never be the same again (reading people say that it never leaves you).

I am very positive now that there is no hole left in my life, and no room for temptation.

James

Day 139

Still going strong. No thoughts at all about gambling.

I am back in civilization for a long time now. I will be posting more regularly now but just wanted to check in and say how ive been doing.

Did some of my christmas shopping today, I still have debts but it was nice to have a pretty much unrestricted budget, that wouldnt have been possible in darker days gone by.

James

Sounds fantastic, James! I know good things are in store for me too! Keep up the good work and have a wonderful wedding and life!

Day 154

Arrived back in the UK today. I have no doubts that where I have been has made it easier to forget about gambling.

In fact it has immediately struck me having only been back for less than 24 hours how much you get bombarded by gambling in the UK.. fruit machines at airport and services. Advertisements on the radio.. I haven't switched on a TV yet but I imagine the endless gambling ads are still very much there. I dont understand why gambling advertising is not subject to the same restrictions as smoking.

It is frustrating that I am now back in a world where I have to be reminded about gambling constantly.

Wishing everyone here a productive 2014 - I hope you achieve your aims.

James

Say 154 sounds great. If you are a binge gambler, like me, be on your guard....Good luck