Mortgaging my future.

Day 11.

Double figures. And more importantly, I have not gambled since Marty McFly arrived in the future.

Bring on triple figures now.

James

Well done on double figures James,

Keep going and keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

Day 13.

Thanks for your support Suzanne.

Not much to report. I have no desire to gamble. But because I was gambling everyday before I stopped it does feel like an automatic impulse sometimes. Because it had become a habit, I expect to feel this way for some time.

Last time I gave up for a long time, I did become normal again and not have ghostly urges so I hope to get to that point again.

James

Yes James, automatic impulse, plays a very big part and the addiction simply loves that, you understand this now, keep this as a very big positive, and keep starving it,

You are wiser this time, xxx

Suzanne xxx

Day 18

Had a good weekend. Not much to report. Starting 'a new role' at work tomorrow so another new chapter in my life. One without gambling in it too.

James

Day 24

Had to cancel my online counselling session on wednesday because I cannot get time off work. Working insane hours now.

Its a shame because I think regular sessions would help, perhaps even in ways not related to gambling.

In any event my recovery seems to be going well after the initial blip. Very early days, but i am feeling positive.

Hello Stark

Well done on day 24. You are doing brilliant. I am at the start of this journey and when we don't gamble it gives us time to reflect on things. Gambling just is destructive and clouds our minds.

Sorry to hear you are working so many hours but the main thing is you aren't gambling. I remember at the height of my gambling i did overtime regularly. Unfortunately the extra cash went to the bookies.

I also had a 2k overdraft, 5 credit cards, 2 loans and i borrowed 50k in 3 years from 7 payday loan companies.I was in a right mess.
I am in a better place now and i never intend to borrow again.

Good luck in your recovery.
Toad.

Yesterday would have been day 30.

However I gambled. Had an unlikely huge win and stopped straight away, Thought I was under control because I hadnt gambled for 3 weeks. Thought to myself 'I am not going to give this win straight back'.

I did and it really hurts that I wasnt able to control it. What is wrong with me? I know i need total abstinence. That is the only 'cure' for me.

I lost a bit,nothing too signifcant, but losing anything is a masive defeat because enough is enough.

Sad times, but I am still on my recovery journey, I am going to make this!

James

Hello Stark13

I know what you are feeling with battling this addiction. But you are here. You have bounced back more determined than ever.

Stay determined!!!

Toad

Day 1

Havent posted much lately as have been away and also because I have been gambling off and on in the last few days.

Predictably had quite a big loss which involved the classic 'chasing'.

Its amazing, as intelligent as I think I am, I am reduced to this behaviour with completely predictable outcome. Its like I need to prove to myself I am in control so I dont totally abstain and then all I prove is how out of control I am and always be.

I am in danger of becoming one of those diaries of on and off absinence and I dont want to end up like that. I promised myself I would stop and I need to stop.

James

Day 1

Havent posted much lately as have been away and also because I have been gambling off and on in the last few days.

Predictably had quite a big loss which involved the classic 'chasing'.

Its amazing, as intelligent as I think I am, I am reduced to this behaviour with completely predictable outcome. Its like I need to prove to myself I am in control so I dont totally abstain and then all I prove is how out of control I am and always be.

I am in danger of becoming one of those diaries of on and off absinence and I dont want to end up like that. I promised myself I would stop and I need to stop.

James

You can do this mate because we are all the same.we can never ever win at this because we can never stop.take it 1 day at a time and keep posting and reading other diaries on here when you have the time.look after yourself.

Hi james
Addiction is powerul. One of the tricks is 'rationalising'- language gymnastics. Thinking that you want 'control' so therefore you won't 'abstain'. Sounds like classic addiction-think.

Have you properly explored why you gamble? Sounds obvious I know.
Best wishes
Louis

Day 4

Totally agree that 'control' is rationalising. I will never be in control. Its been far to up and down for my liking, after giving up for well over 6 months previously and finding it almost 'easy'.

My battle with complacency is going to be a hard one, once I get some weeks and months under my belt. I wish I could go to counselling to back this up, but my work schedule will not allow this for some time.

Going to fight harder than ever.

Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

I dont want to be insane.

James

Actually its day 7.

Time flies when youre having fun (not gambling!)

James