I have been on here 4 days now, reading the diaries and seeing my own reflection in so many of the stories. A slightly different story; one that spans 30 years, but only come to a head in the last 3 months. My head is still in a "buzzed" state and I am not convinced I have stopped, but know that only affirmative action, taking a leap of faith, diving in with both feet.... will help me get over the point of realisation that I have gleaned from reading the life tales on here.
I played pub slot machines for many years... £30/£40/£50 quid every time I went out, which when I was younger was quite frequent. About 15 years ago I stopped going out.. problem solved, except for the odd occassion... but that was rare and feeding that habit was "justifiable" in my eyes..." I haven't been out in ages.. so.."
Then 3 months ago I hit on "online roulette" and yes... you guessed it.. I won..£500. Since then I have lost about £3500... maybe more... I dare not look. The pain I read about on here is the pain I felt.. the feeling sick, chest tightness, not eating etc. The feeling that I need to get back on to win back the money I have lost. This was not money I could afford, it has put me deeper in debt. The " Oh what the hell..." scenario hitting me day after day.
Reading the diaries on here makes me realise I have always had this problem, and probably always will... I was fortunate that I "self excluded" without knowing that's what I did. But now the ease at which one can gamble is frightening. The adverts, promotions.... it's sickening to think our country is leading it's people, especially the most vulnerable, to a point of no return.... with successive governments not giving a cr@P about it. I know I am still at the anger stage and that I should concentrate my efforts on "recovery"... but to see even on this site advertisements for gambling as you scroll over certain words... w*f.
I will continue reading every day. I have blocked gambling websites till the end of the month ( a freebie) and will purchase a good one then or use K9... get my daughter to enter the password. Any other advice on blocking would be appreciated.
So I write my first diary entry as a thank you to those brave enough to have done so before me, to those wise, experienced members that have shown that honesty is the only way forward, and for myself. I don't want to do it again, I won't do it again.
Hi Jon.
Welcome to the site and well done for taking your leap of faith,as you say we all know how you feel we all understand where your coming from and where you want to go.
Youve taken the first steps putting blocks in place and now the hard work to beat the urges begins.Four days is a great start your on your way.
Keep reading and posting and the fantastic people on this site will support you all the way.
Stay Strong
E xx
Thank you Elizabeth... feeling determined... but know through reading that is only 1% of the battle.... but a good start. Support seems essential.
Hey Jon, just want to wish you good luck. I think it is really important to keep posting - I neglected to and started to slide back into my old habit. Keep strong x
Thank you Pinksparkle ( great name)... I can feel my body buzzing... need to remember the sheer shame I felt and the promise I made... not only to myself. Hope you are doing well within yourself too.. pls chat anytime.
Jonathan
hi jon
just want to wish you all the best, ive got k9 and so far its working, going out and spending isnt my problem its the online slots, im getting there take everyday as it comes and ride out them urges, read, post and write on your diary when you can and keep busy, i find putting my finger up at the advert's help 🙂 there not getting anymore of my money good luck, keep strong
hollie xx
Think I read the "finger up to adverts" post... and started straight away. Thank you for your kind words. Going out is not my problem really... online roulette... it happened soooooo fast... before i Knew it I was a high roller... £40/50 a time... a high loser too. Keep strong yourself Hollie...
Hi Jon,
Your post really effected me, quite emotional right now, and the advertising everywhere angers me too. Im glad youve taken the leap, and as youve been told already, there're many people who can help and are more than willing.
Im on day 6 myself, and its tough. Im still finding little tricks that are helping me curb the urge, so when some come up, ill be sure to letcha know 🙂
All the best, keep fighting. you'll make it 🙂
B.x
Thank you BA for taking the time to respond. I feel it's quite remarkable that, as I am sure most of us feel really low a lot of the time, people have the time to do that. Maybe it is part of the process... we are in this together, and that makes it kind of good that we can help someone when it's us that need help.
It feels strange all of a sudden using the word "us"... instead of "me"... But god only knows that when it hits we feel so alone, like we are the only ones making the mistakes. It's good to know... "good"''s not the right word... but not feeling alone and lost in all this on your own is important.
Thanks again... chat whenever you feel the need.
Jonathan
Unbelievable !
Day One.... again
Hi Jon,
You ok mate, I know your position, I am on day 1 again as well, after doing 45 days gamble free, here to talk if need too.
Andy (Wilsy).
Didn't want to post yesterday, couldn't even face reading diaries. After having only just joined then to go and do what I did. I guess I am a stage where I need to force myself to do the positive things and most of all be honest about gaambling and me, and here's the best place to start.
The debt has increased, the problems mounting and as I stare deeper into the whole I am digging for my self I know I can still climb out of it. The problem is time... How I can create further debt in 45 minutes that will effect me for 6 months... on top of the rest. I spent yesterday telling myself "It's Gone", sorting out a different bank account.. a basic one which I can't use for online transactions. Went for a walk on the beach, thought it might give me some time to reflect... maybe not the best idea reflecting... need to think about today and then tomorrow.
Not feeling quite as bad today, looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Work is like my heaven, don't have time to think about past mistakes. I dread holidays... guess I need to get a life.
I read about this being like self harming, and yesterday I asked myself "Am I addicted to this horrible sinking feeling?" Maybe I am depressed... ? I don't think so, but I do know that I have done everything in my power to make that possibly happen.
Anyway... Day 2.. must keep on here.... must do something positive today, something that I can tell myself I have done well today... will start by tidying up the flat...not easy as my 2 children? (17 and 20) live with me..
Todays Targets.
1. Tidy up
2. Walk 5 miles
3. Sell on *******
4. Don't gamble!
And this is so true : I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP
Well tidied up. Don't know whether it's a bloke thing.. but I hadn't cried about this at all... but just have... listening to PINK FLOYD.
Coming Back To Life
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but
Irresistable pas-time
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight... into the shining sun
That line did it. Needed to share it.
Hi Jon
Sorry to hear of your slip but youve had the guts to come back admit all and start again.Been there done that to.
The fact that you havent just disappeared like many others and posted shows your determination to beat this.
I find a good cry makes me feel better but i think thats a girl thing lol.
onwards and upwards
Stay Strong
E xx
Day 3: Back at work, helps keep me focused.
Was walking around ASDA at the weekend... background music was "Things can only get better..." not a particular song I like, however I had been singing it to myself.. trying to stay positive. Think I laughed out loud when the next song came on ... which was "Beat It" my Michael Jackson.... thought the 2 went well together.
Going to watch my son play football tonight at Turf Moor, Burnley.
I will not gamble because I cannot win because I cannot stop.
Thank you Elizabeth for your response.
J
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