Mr Grumpy: Round 3 and a half

Its been just over a week since my " first" slip, and 2 days since my second. So day 2,

I guess, but not sure if I want to count the days. I am no closer to knowing why I slipped; it did not make me hate myself again; it did not make me too angry with myself; it did make me think though.

I am not sure if keeping this diary is the answer for me, and I am even more unsure as to whether reading all the diaries on here is the answer for me; I do know it helped me get to 9 weeks, it got me over those initial hurdles, which, even though I have slipped twice, I still feel over. I don't want to go back to day 1, I don't feel like that is where I am. I know I have NOT got to chase, and that What's Gone Has Gone, and I need to strengthen my blocks... ( not going to say how I wangled my way around the last one... but it nearly knackered my computer up !)

Reading the diaries: Initially this was great... then it became ok.... then it was a process... then it became a reminder... almost a trigger to think about gambling again. This is my experience and we know we are all different. No disrespect in any way is meant here, but apart from a few peoples entries ( everyone loves reading THE STEG... may he long continue in success and posting ) there is only a reminder of either what you have been through, or where you are trying to get. I know this works for a lot of people, but it began not to work for me.... I think.... (one can never be sure if its the gambling demon telling you that.)

Also, I felt, probably just me, some entries began to annoy me by some people.... not on my diary... but on others. I don't know why? I should be a nicer person? I felt I was wrong getting aggravated by them inside myself, but that's how I felt. This forum is about empathy and yet I was becoming cynical.... with some.

I guess the longer you spend on here, the more people you meet... the more you read the same stuff over and over again, .... s**t... I don't know... maybe I am a cynical person, a little too judgemental. Sometimes I want to write " w*f did you do that for?"... or " Are you f'king serious?"... sometimes I wish people would write that on my diary too..... I understand that... whatever we say to each other it's all to do with the same goal. I think my cynicism evolved on here through the feeling we are wrapping each other up with " beautiful" thoughts, when the truth is this is a nasty business we have all been involved in... and if we lose that reality, and then the safety nets are taken away... we fall on to hard ground again.... and there is even a falseness to this.... we don't really know each other and yet comments are made to people that suggest they have known each other for a life time,.. see there I go again.... me being cynical.

So I guess the point of that ... ramble is.... does this process suit me... or any other "cynical" beings out there with this problem? And to this point I really don't know the answer.

So I have come back to this, 2 mistakes in 10 weeks. My gambling awareness has grown. I need to develop time away again.

I will probably continue in my "cynical" ways at times... but as the saying goes... honesty is the best policy, and that's what these diaries are for.

I will try to make better choices about my recovery and how I use this forum... but anything I write or do here is my choice; my help to give if I feel it is helpful, my choice what I read, my mistakes to make, and my success to gain.

I hope nothing I have written upsets anybody, but know it may. It is your choice to find the best way for you... I just haven't found mine yet... and I am trying to reason it all out.

This diary is for me and my cynicism is a part of me..... one I don't like sometimes... but then again....

I am a gambler but for today I will not gamble.

Jon

Hi jon, very honest post , every journey is different but I think in all journeys if you cant be honest with yourself then you may as well pack up and go home. This is how you feel there is no wrong or right answer , I learnt that in my councilling sessions. Weather you like it or not its how you feel, once I understood that I could start to peel away the layers, its hard and its not nice and I learnt things about myself I dont like, but now that I am more aware I can question how I think and try and make small changes. Its tough and its s**t, but its an honest process and its a good start. There are lots of other things out there that could help you , ga talk about HOW you have to be honest open and willing, I hope you find what works for you jon. Blondie x

Cheers Blondie.

No gambling thoughts till coming on here... but maybe that is a part of the process that will give me more strength. The benefits outweigh the negatives for me at this time as I aim just to build up some "immunity" to my problem, or at least distance, in time, away from it.

Stressy at work, which for this time of year feels wrong... but have an advisor coming to moderate some stuff on Friday... but after that it should be chill time again. Guess Friday could be tricky.... payday and chill time... be careful Jonathan.

Other than that... lots of work to keep me occupied for the next 4 weeks.

Anybody seen "The Steg"..?

Jon

Haha diary name change the sign of things to come lol. Thanks for your post jon it is nice to see you back even if its a little grumpily 😉 . I havent seen the (steg a saw us) I couldnt spell the dinasour lol since friday I hope its only cause he is distracted by either fishing or perhaps another visit from micky. Anyway onwards and upwards or even a few backwards and side ways. Whatever it takes eh ? I shall be watching for the walk lol . Blondie x

I dooooon't believe it! (victor meldrew tone). Back for more Jon. Good on yer mate, I'm made up. Being ourselves is often frustrating but I'm 1000000000000% confident that you'll find a way to succeed because, you're clever, humorous, more experienced and you don't give up. You shall see, if I was a fool I'd bet on it but for obvious reasons that option has been closed for the foreseeable future. Good luck on Friday Jon or should I call you Diogenes (I think I've recalled the right philosopher). Better go the nurse is doing her rounds and if she catches me awake they'll give me another of those injections, byeeee.

Trust you to accuse me of dipping into google and getting lucky. I've read all the great thinkers in the world: Socrates, Locke, Descartes, Nietzsche, Harry Hill and his dad Benny Hill etc. yet still nothing makes sense. Could've called you Lazarus because you're back from the dead (if you equate gambling as a stagnant death) or Prometheus who had to face daily torment (surely he would have got used to it after a couple of years...''whoops, there goes another liver, ain't so bad') one day soon you'll become enlightened, all knowing, understanding of the world and yourself. Pilgrims will travel from all over just to rub your tummy in the hope of winning a few bob on the lottery. When you shall mutter those immortal words whilst twiddling your elongated lobes, 'whooah, that is not the way to contentment, I have not the answers you seek, you must find your own way.' they will ignore you of course and carry on rubbing. Then I can call you Buddha.

Better go Jon before I get carried away. Take care, Steve.

Hi Jon,

Greetings from another cynic. 😉

I could agree with a lot of your sentiments, which is why I'm not contributing or reading as much as I did.

We all should be looking out for what works for us, and are individuals, so it will vary massively. For me, it is better for me at the moment to stay away as the benefits were being outweighed by the negatives.

I hope you can concentrate on what works for you, and beat this. I'll get my cheerleader pom-poms out for you. Well, maybe not, but I'll be cheering anyway.

Best wishes,

Rose

I just wanted to thank you. Your 'ramble' in here and your posts on my diary make a lot of sense to me so thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Hi Jon,

Just wanted to say thanks 🙂

Blondie 🙂

Day: who cares

Not thought about gambling till I came on here.... starting to see a pattern there. But not really urges... more a sense of living in it, rather than living without it.

As previously stated I "wangled" my way around the last blocking mechanism.. so didn't have one for a 10 days.... but have got a 28 day trial one on as of today... well it was saturday really.. but i had to reboot... guess what i only just did today. So its there... checked it out and it works fine. If I click on a gambling site... IE just closes. So pretty safe for the next 28 days, at which point I will have to reassess my requirements and make the right decision to purchase one.

Still under pressure at work this week... roll on Friday night. Think I'll have a couple of antistress gulps, early night and and early wakening. I work better in the mornings, and my head is too tired to deal with working this evening. Will be better in the morn.

Hope all is well with my fellow recovering gambling comrades... a spark of militancy is called for I feel.

I am a gambler, but for today I chose and I choose not to gamble.

Jon

PS: Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act....

To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

Just read that on facebook... had to share.. sorry... made me smile.

Thanks for your post on my diary. sorry the first 64 days are deleted, they're much more raw and interesting.

Read yours tonight; as to your thoughts on whether this is right for you or not, obviously only you know. I wonder, though, without being too a**l about it, if you're making excuses for yourself not to keep taking the medicine. Forgive me, I don't mean to sound arrogant (it's hard to write one's opinions without doing so sometimes). I know what you mean about being reminded about gambling just by coming on here. But this isn't a programme of forgetting, rather, a programme about reprogramming. I posted and replied to people daily for the first 3 months or so. Now I read a little most days, but post little, but it's enough to remind me what could be if I'm not careful. I also fell after 5 weeks or so, but the trick is to take something from it.

Use it as you need it.

Stay strong!!

No no, not calling you a**l, as you rightly sussed. Not that brave, despite the wall of anonymity!

Nice pun BTW

Hiya Jon

Am guessing that im one of the beautiful thought brigade....lol...

No big whoop...

I'm possibly the biggest cynic of them all but as a previous postee said ...I am also here to reprogramme and not forget...

It would be very easy for me to write off all gamblers as the same and not recognise as individuals with the same underlying issues as myself in a lot of cases.

Through this forum I have managed to heal a lot of open wounds by looking for the similarities not the differences to make some sense of what has been some of the worst years of my life.... and the process still continues..

I have up and down days but it is always key for me to maintain beautiful thoughts about people on here as otherwise I would be even more bitter and twisted than I am now.

Take what you like and leave the rest

Rachel x

Hiya Jon....thanks for posting.....and a night owl too.

Just figured it was me as I do give out a lot of "extra" stuff to the regular posting group on my diary.

A few have gone on to be Facebook friends so we chat on a more social basis as I don't use chat on here.

Flared up day today...stinking thinking kicked in but now ok so deleted posts as it has passed again.

I thought about what you said in not having gambling thoughts until yoou come on here....I'm sort of the reverse...my head is full of urges all day as im trying to keep stuff in...when i get on here it gets discharged and i feel better.

Imagine my personality plus booze!...doesn't bear thinking about really..

keep safe..keep posting and keep saying what you feel....the good bad and ugly...

i know that you have talked about a need for some sort of topic focus for this site and understand where you come from on that as i often think that would be a good idea...as we can all get stale.

I just don't know how they would do that...unless it was through chat?

Night for now and i shall keep reading...keep sharing your thoughts with us...it's an honest programme.....lol

Rachel x

ps....

just read Belindas post on "Ask Gamcare" which is what you were pretty much saying a while ago....

rachel x