Mr Grumpy: Round 3 and a half

Day 4: Enjoyed work today.

But the sick feeling began to stir as soon as I set off home. I need to sort out my accumulating debts, but not really sure how to. The feeling of despair is what makes me think of gambling one more time... if only I could win some back. I know I have to " forgive, forget and move on"., but that's the whole problem, the brick wall so to speak.... I am strong enough and convinced enough not to and have set up things so I can't... it's just the debt... payback time I guess.

1. Make Dinner

2. Go for a walk

3. Sleep

I Cannot win because I Cannot Stop.

hi job2412,

i m in the same boat with you,roulette is my addiction.

i ve spent thousands of euros feeding my addiction.i m a cg 10 years now.i started GA meetings 3 months ago.i was going quite well, then i relapsed lost 4000 euros just in one week.

what i can definetely suggest is give your money to your wife.ALL YOUR MONEY.stay with 50 quit in your pocket.thats the only way it works mate.self exclude from all the bookies and gambling sites.if you dont do these, then i can reassure you that you ll play again.there is no other way.we always chase our losses.the only way to stop is not having money access.

keep strong mate, tell your wife your problem, she will take over your money and everything will come back to normal.

take care keep strong

i m on day 8

hi i

iv'e been quite emotional reading your diary, i posted on it earlier before you went back to day one, its a very hard thing to do,admit your problems and come on here for help well done for that, i have been gamble/bet free for a week today and wouldn't go back, its sad but i forgot what the real me was like, and im finding her again, taking a day at a time, good luck

Hollie x

Thanks Mike and Hollie..

Well done to both of you. Everybody's situation is different in some way, but one thing brings us all together... our need for help; the stories on here are testament to that.

Unfortunately...( or fortunately depending on your point of view).. I am separated and have been for several years, and do not have a close adult to share with. I have told my 2 children who live with me, and my sister... but that's not the same as having a partner that can support and/or monitor. I suppose there are pros and cons to my situation. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to tell a partner the truth, with the fear of losing them... my children are stuck with me...

This site is and will be vital for me. A place to reflect upon my day to day dealings with my problem, knowing that those who share understand what I am feeling. And for that I am grateful.

I Cannot Win because I Cannot Stop.

Day 5: just logging in, must try to make this a habit, as I know I need to.

Not many gambling thoughts, only the odd one ... "the chasing demon". I know it's early and I am still reeling from my loses and debts, so I should expect the odd " If only I could..." thought to cross my mind.

Good day at work... it's strange but because I enjoy my job so much I don't think this stress I feel effects my performance at work. I just dread coming home. Anyway... onwards..

I Cannot Win Because I Cannot Stop!!!!

Keep going J, each day you don't gamble is a success. Let the wind on the beach blow away the past, they're gone and look towards your future. Plan to clear your debts the good old honest way by scrimping and going without. After a bad day gambling I lost thousands, a lot of money because it was all on credit and I didn't have a job. It took over a year to pay it all back by selling things and living on nothing week in week out. It sounds unbearable yet they were some of my happiest times. Firstly I never worried about gambling because I was determined to pay back every penny I owed and as soon as I got any cash it went straight to my creditors. Secondly I was forced to find enjoyment in the basic pleasures in life, like walking, cycling, exercising etc, like being a kid again I suppose. Now the debts are all clear, my next challenge now is to stay gamble free with money in my pocket. Take care J and you're right when you say we can't win at gambling because we can't stop, Steve.

hi J,

i m too in too much debt, dont worry mate, every gambler has his/her debts.its important to stay gamble free first.clearing the debts is second task at the moment.

keep strong

Hi Jon

Hang in there you can beat this! I take payday loans to feed my gambling like alot of others. take each day as an acheivement

Stay strong

Surfer

Thanks for the responses all. Just got in from work.. the sick feeling on the way home, but to come home to some messages makes me feel not so alone in this problem.... so thanks again, it means a lot.

Once again enjoyed work, quite a productive day and all.

Feel like a drink tonight... Don't drink that often... but... it was when I drank that I gambled silly and got myself into this position. I did say that to stay off gambling I would need to not drink at all... which saves me money too. Got K9... so can't gamble... maybe it's the southern comfort that helped me act like an idiot, so I'll stay off that... maybe a couple of glasses of wine will satiate this need.. a need to relax and get to sleep earlier tonight. I'll decide after I've eaten... that usually changes my mind.

Read the other day somebody said K9 was rubbish... guess it is if it's done in your email address and you have access to the password. I got my daughter to put it on mine... no idea what the password is.... but think it's in my email... so must remember to change that when she gets in...

I Cannot Win Because I cannot Stop.

Day 6: I think. The Dreaded Weekend.

What to do with myself. Worked hard all week, but kind of wish I could just continue working. Could do with a part time job at weekends... money wise and to keep busy.

Well, last football match of the season for my son tomorrow... so will be watching that. Have to drop him off at around 9.30... kick off 11.00.. so have an hour and a half to kill then... maybe clean my car out.... it's looking pretty rough.

Still can't get the thought out of my head..

" If only I could win one more time.."... give me some breathing space financially... but I know I "Cannot Win Because I cannot Stop"... thank god for blocks and that I don't have the bookies to deal with... just online was my problem.

Anyway... hope everybody has a good weekend... gamble free.

Jon

Sat here at my computer... I know I would go online and gamble if I could, but I have no money till next week, and even when I do, I really don't... got debts to pay off. I know that having blocks in place is absolutley vital at this time. If anybody else is only just starting to try to quit online gambling....IT IS VITAL that you put blocks in place.... blocks where you have no control whatsoever.

So today will be a week, I know it will get easier... but it is tough to start with. The memories of the losses still fresh and at the front of my thoughts... gnawing away. The thought of the chase... the adrenaline... the addictive fear and inevitable sickness and panic.... BLOCKS BLOCKS BLOCKS !!!

I have to accept the money has gone... I have to find other things to do with my time, especially at weekends. I wish the phone would stop ringing... I have no money to give them yet.

BLOCKS BLOCKS BLOCKS.... the only way for me at this time.

I Cannot Win Because I Cannot Stop.

Hello and welcome to this very supportive place full of people just like you.

Love your most recent post with all those BLOCK words in capital letters. You already know how important it is to get them in at an early stage so well done.

The early days are usually the hardest but it will get easier with time.

Stay very strong and stay very positive.

All the very best,

NT

Thanks for your words of encouragement NT.

As I was feeling tempted, brought on by learning that I could change the password on K9 because I had used my email address, I have got my daughter to change it to one of her email addresses, one I don't know... and then... importantly... deleted the emails that k9 sent to my email address to inform me of the email change... without looking at the new email address. Now I know I couldn't if I wanted to... the urge seems to have died down a little and I am feeling a little happier.

AS before... if you are an online addict... BLOCK BLOCK and BLOCK again.

( If anyone knows a way round the k9 block.... DO NOT POST IT ON HERE PLEASE)

Continuing best wishes to everyone sailing in this boat.

No Demons today.

Just an ordinary day.... highs, lows, and middles. The weekend was not as much of a struggle as I thought it would be. Also did not drink... only had 2 glasses of wine in the past 16 days. As drinking sparked my gambling I think it is best to stay off it as much as possible at the moment, or at least change my solo drinking at home habits.

Been reading lots of diaries... so many feelings and day to day emotions the same as what I am having. I know better what to expect, and so when the urge comes again I will try to draw on the strength of those stories. Thanks to all who share.

Back to work tomorrow... still got to face my debt crisis... but I'll wait for pay day so I have something to barter with.

Day 8 done: I Cannot Win Because I Cannot Stop.

Hi Jon,

I was told by a guy that had not gambled for 5 years that he no longer experienced euphoric highs but he no longer experienced those rock bottom lows. His life was serene nearly always somewhere in the middle. It made him appreciate when life was actually good.

Your post just kinda reminded me of that, its nice to be gamble free and experiencing a little bit of serenity.

I hope your journey continues to be positive!

Flagg