day 35....
just watching match of the day, not bothered about the results but enjoying it all the same.
no thoughts of gambling, only positivity today.
long may it continue.
take care,
A
day 36...
back from the caravan after a nice 2 weeks. not thinking about gambling, thinking about being pleased for city today, worried about my occupational health appointment tomorrow and worried about money. not gambled at all but caravan life has left me quite short of money. me of 36 days ago would have done these things; lied to my gf that I had plenty of money left, gambled my last 50, either won and been ok for the month or lose and get a payday loan, pathetic when I see it typed out like this.
instead I told my gf about my money situation and she was just happy I was honest. felt good, took away the usual anxiety I had the remaining weeks of every month.
at the start of the month I paid off a chunk of a payday loan, they emailed me offering me treble what I initially got as I can be trusted to pay it back, they are disgusting sharks, feeding on the weak. there's nothing more I would have liked to have said yes I'll have ВЈXXXX and convince myself I could turn it into ВЈXXXXX. That's not me anymore so I politely emailed the shark and said could you please remove my ability to borrow from yourselves, I will pay what I owe and not use your services again. still waiting on a reply but pleased I made the right choice.
on a brighter note I finished my Stephen king book today, always feels good when I start and finish something. not sure what to go for next, might try one I've seen about creating good habits and being more productive, I don't gamble when I have a goal so should help???
also got to ramp up the half marathon training this week, let it slip and bit last week and traded training for red wine and whiskey. still if I can't enjoy my holidays what's the point in going on them?
take care,
A
day 37....
been to occupational health this morning, pretty much a box ticking exercise. said he didn't expect to see me for 2 months. going to use this time to find a new job I think. nothing would feel like more of a fresh start than a new job.
not thinking about gambling so much today. need to use the time productively though, when my time is quiet and not busy that is when the thoughts cone back.
also need to start improving my sleep, been lying awake thinking about debt and disappointing everyone recently. a good night's sleep would be great.
take care,
A
Glad to hear you are still going strong, well done on knocking back the payday loans! Keep up the good work.
day 38....
thanks whereismymind, they seem like a quick fix at the time but the interest they add is obscene, lesson learned.
no thoughts of gambling today. a friend messages saying I seemed quiet and if I needed anything to let him know, he's from work so I assume people having been speculating. got to worry about myself rather than office gossip though.
new job search hasn't been particularly successful today, got a degree in a subject that bores me to tears so maybe a complete change is the best thing.
booked on for 2 classes at the gym tonight, not massively motivated to go but I'll feel better when I do.
take care,
A
day 39....
nothing much to report today, been sat in the house all day reading and watching Netflix. going to play 5 a side now so at least I'll get out for an hour or so.
starting to feel a bit agitated and impatient for things to be sorted now. I know it'll take time but struggling to see the light today. some days are good some are bad, I expected this but still pretty annoying.
sounds daft but gambling is the furthest thing from my mind at the minute. I suppose that's one positive to take out of this situation.
take care and see you all for day 40......
A
Its a tough journey at times but whats the alternative? Much worse. We have to face this at some point in order to move forwards. You've done the first 39 days don't make yourself have to do them again. It gets better and your options and confidence will open up over time.
Don't forget to show yourself some love and attention. Its easy to get down and feel life its you against addiction and the rest of the world. Look after yourself and let things progress, you almost certainly undervaule yourself right now but that will change if you address recovery beyond just "not gambling".
All the best!
day 40......
hi sjw,
yes 100% you are right, this is the best way to go, the alternative is far worse and so much more destructive.
still waiting to hear from healthier minds, hoping for some valuable insight into why I gambled and why I couldn't stop.
thank you for taking the time to comment I do appreciate it. I will take your advice and look after myself, the feeling of guilt and shame is still there but is less every day.
i feel slightly brighter waking up at the moment, I used to bet on the nba over night, you know the story, wake up with winnings in my account, I'd be up buzzing, wake up with nothing in my account and the whole day would become a struggle. now I'm waking up and I'm just calm. it feels good.
take care,
A
day 41....
tough day today, again not gambling related. they have changed the sickness policy at my work and now it is compulsory to meet with my managers and hr even on the first stage. pretty annoying as I've just said I'm off for personal reasons, I'm not close to my manager and this isn't something I would discuss with her. ahhhhh well just another hurdle I suppose.
I had another text asking me to join a group betting thing, one selection, split the winnings. I've said to the friends that I'm not getting involved as all my so are money is going towards my holiday in November. not the complete truth but still should stop them asking too many questions.
got 5 a side again tonight, probably a good thing as I'm in a horrid mood after that email about the meeting.
take care,
A
day 42....
no gambling, feeling proud that I've made it this far. still so much work to do but it's a good start.
lots of messages today about people betting on the football, I said I won't be taking part, didn't explain why but the message was clear.
I still love football and fantasy footy, that shouldn't stop. if anything it should get better as I can watch just for the fun of it and not be bothered by any stats or results for monetary gain.
had a chilled day, watched some Netflix and read a little.
going to see my mum tomorrow, we live really close but I don't make as much effort as I should to see her. I feel that is one thing I can improve now that my time isn't monopolized by betting.
just ordered a takeaway with the Mrs. love a good curry!
missing the kids today, they are still at the caravan with the grandparents. the first few days were peaceful bliss but now it's a bit quiet at home.
take care,
A
day 43.....
massive win for city today, played some amazing football. not so much from the red side of manchester so a good day all around. didn't need or want to bet today, just a good day watching the footy.
went to see my mum today, was top to see her and like I said previously I should make more of an effort to spend quality time with her.
my friends were betting heavily today, no one won but even if they had I don't care. I have been working hard to preserve these friendships of over 25 years and talking about everything apart from betting, we're mates because of so many reasons and that shouldn't end because I'm a compulsive gambler.
all is good today, let's see what tomorrow brings.
the next hurdle is figuring out what to get my mum for her 60th, one thing is for sure, it won't be bought with dirty money from a winning bet or a payday loan.
I will keep going in this fight!!!
take care,
A
Keep it going mate! Thoroughly enjoyed the City game myself as well and as a Newcastle supporter it's always nice too see Man United lose.
Getting close to the big 50 as well hopefully I'll be there myself before too long.
JW
day 44....
forced myself to go for a run today, didn't enjoy it but feel loads better after. need to do some training for the half marathon in October.
betting has not really crossed my mind today, I still get that moment of madness where that one accumulator will pay off all the debt, get me and the family a holiday and all the bad stuff will be forgotten. I know that isn't reality and those thoughts are becoming less frequent.
not sure if many read this but if someone does, can I have some advice on how to talk to the lads at the pub etc about this, they feel like the only thing completely stopping me from shutting the door on the gambling world for good. As I've said in previous posts I don't want to drop them as friends I'd just like them to understand.
take care,
A
Hi initiumnovum,
Just wanted to say first of all that although people may not reply to your posts, I can guarantee there are lots of people that read them, me included. You will find that a lot of people tend to reply to people who are struggling the most.
I have been in the exact same situation as you in the past. If your friends are anything like mine then I am some of them will already know that you gamble way too much. I told my close friends but I didn’t feel like I needed to be totally open with everyone. I just simply told them I was betting too much and was going to have a break from it. After a while I told them I hadn’t missed it and my bank balance was looking much better so was going to carry on as I was.
I still have chat groups with friends where they talk about betting every now and then…I just have the chats on mute and I browse past any of the betting talk. I have no interest in it at all.
Damo
keep it going mate, 45 days great achievement. my mates know i dont bet any more , i just made out its because I never won much and because it was spoiling my enjoyment of football. I never mentioned i had an issue and they may read between the lines and think so but its out there and everyone gets it and no-one pesters me to bet, i had more pressure ducking out of the super 6 at work. keep busy get that half marathon smashed in october , ive got a full one in october , 3rd one this year, but have barely trained for a couple of months due to injuries but stepping it up now and will give it a go even if i have to walk half of it.
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