day 58.....
signalman, thanks again for the comment, I know what you say is 100% right, I know that myself, wouldn't be on this site without the odd thought about it though.
well done on your days conquered. again it's nice to see the numbers rack up but it's very personal in terms of how it helps, I've seen people on here at 20 days feeling like they've beaten the devil of gambling whereas there's some who are years down the line still struggling.
a good day today, last day before the kids are back at school, kept myself busy getting their hair cut and buying last minute bits for their first day back. stopped for a bacon butty with a brew in the cafe, £7.50 it cost, not a lot but I've known myself in the past deny the kids that so I could put an accumulator on. disgusted in myself when I think back.
Now that the guilt is subsiding a bit it's time to rebuild, to set goals to strive for. I would love to move house, not something that can be done anytime soon with my credit rating or lack of savings but I'll get there.
take care all,
A
day 59...
been for another run today, was good because I had no choice but to keep going as it was to get home. should be ok for the half marathon next month.
not really thought about gambling today. some days are better than others in that respect.
felt a bit agitated this afternoon. bit bored I suppose. just a feeling of really bad impatience. it faded when the kids came home from school so that's good.
take care,
A
Hi A,
Good luck with the marathon prep - will be an amazing buzz when you complete it no doubt!
Yeah I agree - thoughts as long as they are controlled on a day-to-day basis can't do the damage can't they - it's the actions borne out of control that are dangerous. For sure. Whenever I get thoughts I've been talking to my wife about them and they go away. Her listening ear is influential right now.
How you getting on A? All good in your world?
day 62....
hi signalman, not great if I'm honest, been a tough few days. the combination of what is going on with me and the anniversary of my girlfriend's uncle passing has meant we are both on edg3 and snappy, mostly me. I'm not like this and pretty upset with myself I'm letting stuff get on top of me.
got a meeting with my manager this afternoon. box ticking exercise to prove they care about their employees when they are off. cba but it's a necessity.
not thinking about gambling at all, but all the other stuff is consuming my thoughts. feeling pretty down if I'm honest.
going back to the gp on Monday, not sure what he'll say, last time I went we talked about medication to chill me out a bit/ pick up my mood. never done anything like that before and not overly keen but if it helps then it's needed.
have a good weekend.
A
Hi mate
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with mood. But in a weird way it's reassuring to hear how you're attentive to the way you're feeling and looking at ways to counteract this. Burying feelings, denying feelings - letting them control you - that's when you hand over responsibility and control to the elements so to speak. Keep assessing yourself, looking after yourself and caring for yourself.
The dynamic sucks doesn't it - we did what we did - then further down the line real **** happens and you beat yourself up thinking "why did I do it - we don't need what I did on top of everything else". But please don't blame yourself or focus on what's done. I've been getting snappy at my wife - before all this happened I thought this was ok - now I instantly check myself when I do this as she is standing by me - she hasn't left me - she deserves better and more respect. I instantly apologise. If you get narky with your girlfriend just make amends when you're head is clear again. She'll notice and appreciate it a lot I'm sure. Look after yourself and keep fighting.
Maybe the prospect of working again at some point is causing you anxiety... it certainly is causing me anxiety. Every day is a challenge for us now - meet the work head on and conquer like you've been doing with everything else since this happened. You can do it bud. Good luck and keep posting.
How you going mate and how did the work meeting and GP visit go? Feeling strong today?
day 64....
hi mate, feeling good today. work meeting went really well. I kept my cards quite close to my chest and just explained it was a personal issue that I'm dealing with. they understood I wasn't taking the P**s as I've had 5 days off sick in 10 years prior to this. Gp is tomorrow afternoon so I'll post about that once it's done.
been away for the weekend with my family for her 60th, at first it felt strange being in a room with all with people that know about my gambling. got over it fairly quickly as they didn't treat me any different and I didn't want them to, weekend was about my mum and not about my problems.
Not had enough money this weekend and my other half has been great, I cant wait for the day I pay off all my debt and it's an equal partnership. I owe her so much more than just financially. i will make it up to her and we will be happy.
the football/gambling mates have gone to Blackpool this weekend with the excess from football subs money, kind of glad I missed it, it's not just the gambling it's the whole 15 hour drinking/drug sessions, just a culture that I feel promotes gambling and brings out that side of me.
my snappy mood has settled a lot since Friday I think the meeting at work really put me on edge.
take care,
A
Not had enough money this weekend and my other half has been great, I cant wait for the day I pay off all my debt and it's an equal partnership. I owe her so much more than just financially. i will make it up to her and we will be happy.
I really love this quote. Brought a tear to my eye. Right now this feels like a dream to me but I will strive to make this a reality one day. Nice one.
day 65....
cheers signalman, we will get there. happy family life is all we need!
so I'm taking a back seat today, my partner and her family come first. 2 year anniversary of a very close relative who died too young. I had only known him for a short amount of time comparatively but he was someone who everyone loved, one of those people that had plans every weekend because people wanted to be around him. When he passed I was gambling heavily and irekejet saying to my partner why do good people get taken and people like me are fine, she didn't know I meant gambling and debt but I did. in hindsight that should have been the moment I stopped but it wasn't, I wanted to win so big that all her grieve would evaporate in a new spectacular life, what a moronic way of thinking.
no gambling for me today or any day for that matter.
take care,
A
Good luck with today. I hope it passes smoothly and you guys are able to fondly remember this person. Also happy to hear you being there for your partner during a time where she will need you.
As I read more and more about the recovery program I understand one of the themes to be learning to love yourself again and taking care of yourself. I used to think the same as your previously mentioned sentiments about good people and gamblers... glad we've both changed our views on this over time otherwise we will never heal. Today unfortunately I seem to be falling into this trap as self-loathing definitely creeping in to my mindset... I guess the onus is a new beginning and a fresh start from here which you seem to have embraced. I should take a leaf out of your book. Thanks for another insightful post. Cheers.
Hope gp appt goes well by the way and you get what you need from it.
day 66....
gp didn't go ahead as planned, an emergency came in and he was already running late, so with the anniversary dinner I couldn't wait. rebooted for Friday though so no big deal.
emailed my boss this morning about going back to work. Pretty apprehensive about going back, there's a real stigma about long term sick in my office as all the work gets shared out, it's not like it can just wait until I get back.
anyway, no gambling today, just some diy which is not my strength at all, never has been.
take care,
A
day 67....
no gambling, thoughts are less every day which is good. I think my friends have got the message without me actually saying it too, less texts about betting.
finished a book today, guy called dean karnazes, run 100 mile races in extreme places, was hoping for some motivation for the half marathon but didn't have the desired effect.
have a good day all,
take care,
A
Nice one A. Keep going bud.
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