My diary

Day 22 today.

No urges to gamble.

Got my 1st appointment arranged . It's 10 days away but at least something is in the diary.

It's hard to concentrate at work with all the finance worries going through my mind.

Husband complaining that I am not being proactive in helping to sort this mess out but when I come up with suggestions he just shoots me down and has a huge go at me. Can't really blame him.

Had fun with little one in the garden tonight, was good to laugh with her.

Roll on day 23

Day 24 today and no urges to gamble.

Have a stinking cold so feeling very sorry for myself.

Nothing else to report.

Day 25 and no urges.

Cold is still here so working from home.

Feel stuck at mo as still don't know how to deal with debts. Feel a bit in limbo.

Need to sort that side of things out. Was told that if I go down IVA then they will want to see 3 months of no gambling on my bank statements.

Feeling sad and low this afternoon.

Day 26 today. No urges to gamble.

Feel sad at the misery I have brought onto my family. Luckily my daughter is to young to realise. I have been a tad distant over the last year and a half. Still played with her but not as much as I should. I hate that but can make up for that lost time before she realises. I am determined to never gamble again.

She will miss out on things over the next few years like nice holidays and decent birthday parties.this I hate.

We should be living a nice comfortable life with a mortgage and money to enjoy life.

The reality is now I have lost us our home. If we sell the house and rent, keep to a tight budget pretty much everything can be cleared in 3.5yrs. time is not on our side though as I am 44 this year.

My family is suffering because of me!

Sometimes I feel like ending it so my husband can have my life assurance policy to pay off debts and a decent chunk off the mortgage. I can't do that to them though, especially my little one.

I asked my husband why he is staying with me and his response was that he married me for better or worse. I am so so lucky to have him.

I am determined to never gamble again for myself and for them.

In one sense coming clean has freed me from chasing losses, the gut wrenching feeling when you lose it all. Not having to lie anymore, not being distant.

The financial fall out hurts like hell. My husband is still angry and does say a few hurtful things because he is hurting to. He is still refusing to get some counselling for himself.

My CV is updated and am starting to look for a better paid job. If I go contracting things could possibly be cleared in 2.5years. but there is uncertainty between contracts.

I am selfish to say I do want the house sold asap. If we can do this my credit history will remain good then we can think about another mortgage in a couple of years time. Don't think it will sell in time though. So now I have to face up to the fact that we will potentially have to rent forever.

How do you live with the guilt and shame?

Hi whatsmyname,

What a heart breaking story to read….I’m so sorry to hear about what you have been though.

The guilt and shame will lesson in time but to be honest 2 1/2 years later I am still haunted by some of the memories of the things I’ve done in the past. They are nowhere near as often now and things in my life are so much better. I can look at myself in the mirror with a bit of pride these days.

I know you have arranged counselling but have you considered GA?

It may feel like a daunting situation but every single person in that room will have been through the fear of walking through that door for the first time.

Unfortunately your husband is never going to understand why you have done what you have done and it is amazing how much it helps to be around a group of people who understand how you feel and what you have been through.

It may not work out for you but would there be any harm in giving it a try?

I really hope things start to improve for you.
Damo

Day 27 today.

Thanks for reply ITDamo, am not sure about GA but will give it some thought.

Still have my smelly cold.

Today's focus is on updating my CV some more and getting it online. As i work in IT in a good area (cloud) i am sure I can increase my salary to help with this financial mess.

Taking little one to a birthday party this avo then the two of us will be having a sleep over at my mother's. Little one is very excited.

No urges to gamble, the thought of it repulses me. Long may that continue.

Even though the financial mess is still there waiting to be sorted I am sooo happy to be gamble free, the fog and madness no longer there. Nor the feelings of extreme high when you win big and the crashing lows when you lose it and much more.

Gambling can go to hell.

First counselling session this week and not sure what to expect.

Day 28 today.

No urges, have been playing in sun with little one and studying.

A more proactive use of my time.

Day 29 today,

Lovely weather outside, concentrating well at work and best of all no urges to gamble.

Had a telephone interview today for a new job. Seemed to go well so hopefully will get a stage further. Could do with the increase in salary!

The debts havent been sorted, no clear plan yet on how to handle them. I think that will start next month. Focus is still on not gambling. Have my first councelling session this week. Not sure what to expect.

Having fun with the little one. Why did I waste my time spinning when I could have been doing this instead!

Wow Day 30 now,

No urges to gamble. Throwing myself into my work to keep me busy.

One bit if good news, I applied for a job Monday morning and had a telephone interview the same day. They have just got back to me wanting a face to face towards asap.

Keep your fingers crossed for me as it would mean an almost 25% salary increase. Would go towards helping clear the financial mess.

Hi Whatsmyname!

Wow indeed, 30 days is some going you know, well don : ). Good luck with the job, bet you'd never have even gone for that whilst gambling. Good luck sorting the debts. A lot of people recommend the Debt Camel website. It's worth giving Stepchange a call as well. Hopefully there will be solution where you can enter a plan for 5 years or so and then the rest of the debt gets wiped. Anyway, just wanted to log on and let you know that I'm wishing you well. : )

Jam

An overwhelming feeling of dread has come over me this afternoon and tonight.

My emotions are all over the place.

Day 31 today.

No urges to gamble

Have my first counselling session tomorrow. Not sure what to expect.

A quiet calm has descended at home for the moment, not sure how long that will last. I think the next few weeks will be focused on finally deciding what to do about the finances.

I haven't missed gambling. I have been reading lots of historical forum posts to keep the hurt and pain of what I did fresh in my mind. More to keep reminding me how evil gambling is.

I do not want to get complacent.

Day 32 today,

No urges to gamble, had my 1st counselling session and seemed to go well.

Nothing much else to report really.