My diary

Day 33 today

Had thoughts about winning a gamble today but no urge to try to gamble.

Had a bit of a panic attack regarding the finances. Really need to decide what we are doing about those. When the dd's go out will start to write to the debtors and speak to Payplan.

Had glimpses of my old relationship with hubby. Sparks of genuine laughter and fun between us. How I have missed that. We started losing that well before gambling started. In fact I think i used gambling to replace it.

We seemed to lose closeness and affection when I was pregnant and never got it back. I started matched betting when little one was around 2 ISH. That then moved into the slot addiction. Wasn't bothered with sports betting so would play that by the matched betting rules.

Hubby thought I was blaming him for gambling however I explained to him that i am to blame as I was the one who pressed the spin button. I think he eventually understood.

Looking forward to a relaxing bank holiday weekend!

Hi whatsmyname,

Well done on done on 33 days you’ve made a great start and it’s good to see things are slowly starting to pick up.

I feel your and your husband frustration about the debts try and be patient after all took you a lot longer than 33 days to get in the financial mess. I’m pleased to see you’re going to speak to PayPlan be honest with them tell them everything and they will give you some options you don’t have to go with it be it’s worth considering.

As Damo said before he will probably never understand why you have done what you have done so he can see the issue with the finances and will focus on that. I don’t know if you told him or you got caught out but either way it the best thing that could of happened honesty and transparency are key, it sound like you have a good guy there who is sticking by you.

I know you have said he doesn’t want any support but GA have a group that runs just for family members called Gamanon where he could speak with others partners who have been I. The same situation and you could try the GA meeting if you can find the courage to take that step.

I don’t use this site as much as I did when I first came here 2 and half years ago but it saved me keep using your diary as you are and reading other diaries they will help you.

KTF

Day 34 today

Spent a productive day studying for my cloud certification.
Was on my own in house for most of the day, got loads done. Did have a slight thought of gambling but quickly putco mpletely out of mind.

Had a mild disagreement with hubby, non money or gambling related in any way shape or form but he threw gambling in my face and a justification for snapping at me. Guess I need to live with that for a long while. He did apologise after though.

He won't go to any councelling or groups in any way shape or for.

He was the same 3/4 years ago when I suggested couples councelling.

Hi what's my name will he go online? He's in denial. From experience things are so much better when you help yourself and take the focus off the gambler. Also recovery is far stronger together. Gamanon is online tonight 8-9 (Sunday) live chat. Just a thought.

Have mentioned and he said no, he is being a right old so and so.

His focus is purely on finances. He is on.top of the blocks I M Ware of though but only because I told him.

Day 35 today. Had a feeling thought that flew into my mind and left just as quickly.

Did a bit more studying and had lots of family time. A generally lazy day.

Not sure how I am feeling at the mo. Moments of me being my old self mixed in with moments of worry for my family and the future.

Onwards and upwards though.

Husband has said he has seen a bit of a change in me. More relaxed, a bit more positive and proactive. With my study and applying for jobs.

I worry about him though. He is keeping his emotions in, refuses to engage in any groups or councelling and gets in a bit angry over nothing sometimes. They are just fleeting but I caused that.

Hi whatsmyname, good to see you are running 3 days GF ahead of me!

Let’s both of us keep it that way! 🙂

You are doing a cracking job. Don’t let the urges get the better of you. More difficult some days I know.

Keep up the good work!

Day 37 today.

No urges to gamble.

Am in a bad mood though, not sure why.

Don't really know what else to say do will leave it there.

Hello whatsmyname, well done on getting to 37 days without a bet.

I think we all have good days and bad days during our recovery. Particularly in the early stages. (Pre 100 days).

Sometimes theres just no explanation to these bad days. But whatever we must do, we must not use them as an excuse to gamble. I’m ashamed to admit that I have done that in the past.

Not anymore.

Keep smashing away at those days.

Dan

Thanks Dan.

Day 39 today. No urges or wanting to gamble. Which is good as it's pay day!

The 39 days have flown by. Can't say I have missed spinning which is a very good think. Was distracted all the time waiting for my next opportunity.

I think GameStop definitely helped loads. Do still get some spam but just ignore it.

Have my second counselling session tomorrow so let's see what that brings!

Day 41 today and happy to report no urges to gamble.

Had a lovely day gardening, tidying and playing with little one in the paddling pool.

Had a counselling session yesterday which made me think about relationship things with hubby and friends. What was said made sense but for some reason was really grumpy after.

Things seem to be improving with hubby on the relationship front. Things that were there long before gambling and to be honest I replaced them with gambling.

Really happy about that but wary of pushing it too fast as he has alot to deal with with the finance issues.

I just want our closeness back as I love him soon much.

Day 44 today and happy to report no gambling.

Hubby hit me with some very cheap shots the other night. Guess I deserve it and quietly take most of them. Doesn't help with the guilt though.

I still hate myself.

Hi whatsmyname,

You’re doing an awesome job!

I saw my counsellor today and, as I always do, I took something constructive from the session. It was that we do have choices. Such a ridiculously painfully obvious thing to say. But a year ago it really would’ve been just that. But now, now I actually understand, it really resonated. Yes, we will always have these horrible urges, lingering, waiting for us to slip up, to be in a vulnerable place. We just need to be fully aware and also to keep reminding ourselves that ultimately we can just say “no, I don’t want to, it’s my choice not to”.

I had a bit of a downer Sunday. I just don’t know why. Life is sooooo much better gf but I couldn’t shake feeling inexplicably low. I then realised that that in itself would normally be a trigger to gamble! I think these occasional low moods may be part and parcel but it’s a small price to pay for cutting out the toxicity of gambling from our lives.

Don’t hate yourself and try not (and I know it’s not easy) to keep thinking about the money lost. It will eat you up, it is done, you can’t change it now Think about how you would be feeling now, with the financial worry that will be there regardless, if you were still gambling as well.

The fact you’ve stopped is such a massive step in the right direction. Your husband will never fully understand, only another CG possibly could. But hopefully, in time, he will want to invest some time with you at a session, as I can only see that being beneficial for the both of you.

Keep up the great work 🙂

Day 50 today 🙂 still no urges to gamble. Very lucky on that front, its been soo easy. Not getting complacent though. I think self excluding, using gamstop and giving husband control of my bank accounts have been key.

Not getting complacent though as i'm sure it's not going to be this easy all the time.

Had a really nice weekend playing in garden, doing the dreaded gardening and having a lovely BBQ. If i was still gardening i would probably be inside, or distracted pressing that dreaded spin button. So so happy i am not doing that any more. I am sooo happy i got the courage to tell my husband everything and am very lucky that he didnt run away and leave me to it.

Counselling is going well and helping me to understand my triggers and ways to not gamble as a response.

We had a camping holiday to Europe planned before i confessed,and we are still going to go. We leave beginning of August and i cannot wait even if its just to forget about the worries for a couple of weeks. Little one is excited as well 🙂

Day 51 today and the demon is trying to raise its ugly head. Ain't gonna happen though!

Been hit with a few lows overnight. Campervan is poorly which has put our holiday to France in doubt. The one thing I was looking forward to to give husband and daughter a lovely normal break. A chance to forget for a few weeks. Gearbox is very poorly on bananas wothnofunds to fix not sure what we will do.

If I hadn't of gambled this would not be an issue as we could have easily afforded a few k on repairs. Hate myself over again.

Was doing so well the last week or so. Feels like I just keep getting kicked back down.

I do know this is more preferable than blowing more money gambling and I have made the correct decision in fessing upand facing my actions

Just wish I didn't cause grief to those around me.

Why didn't I think this whilst gambling. Maybe did but didn't care enough?

Or maybe though that lucky spin would save the day? And pigs might fly!