My diary

Congratulations on passing 50 days without a bet 🙂

Unfortunately lows will happen during your recovery. They’re there to test your resolve and today you’ve passed the test.

The better times will come back around soon enough. So long as you remain free from gambling then your life will improve and head in the right direction.

Gambling will only ever worsen problems. What’s happenend in the past, you can’t change. We can only learn from those mistakes to become better people. Everybody at some point in their life will make wrong decisions, whether it be with gambling, drinking, drugs, relationships etc. It’s how you bounce back and learn from them that count the most.

You’re doing brilliantly so far. Those days are stacking up and your resolve is building by the day.

Dan x

Day 56 today and no thoughts of gambling what so ever.

Have spent the last 5 days doing usual house stuff. Taking little one out to make father's Day present and buy him something. Was only cheese and biscuits but she was sooo chuffed.

Big week ahead of me, Payplan ringing tomorrow to start sorting out the financial mess. We have struggled to make minimum payments till now so may be a bit of a shock to the banks and credit cards. Not sure how I even managed to borrow more than my annual salary however that is the situation I am in.

I know this week will be c**P however it needs to be done and the sooner I start the sooner I can clear them. Think it will be a good four years of struggle.

Once this is sorted, we have returned from holidays and little one is settled in to school (she starts in september) I will look for a new job ideally contracting.

I work in a decent paying industry and if I got a few decent contracts the potential would be to clear everything in two years.

Let's get this done!

Day 59 today, it has flown by! Very happy to report no urges to gamble.

Been busy at work the last few days so not had time to study. Have contacted step change and am waiting for their application pack to get that rolling. Just hope the banks will accept the offers without too much hassle.

Once that is done then phase two can begin from October onwards to get a new job and increase the payments.

I was looking at the big picture with regards to the debts and it was far to overwhelming so I decided to break down what I need to do and focus on the immediate part. Has helped me immensely.

I do accept the debt and the need to pay it off. In a strange way I think I need it there to help in my recovery. To act as a reminder and hopefully keep me on the straight and narrow in future.

The only thing I do not like is the impact on my family. It shouldn't be affecting them as well but unfortunately it is.

Things have been better with husband. I think he now understands my triggers, one of them being the issues in our relationship, and is really making an effort. Love him even more for that.

I think he finally gets that I am not using the relationship as an excuse for gambling but more that was my way of coping. Bug mistake there! I fully hold my hands up to this being totally my responsibility.

I am not niave, I know there will still be bad times. No doubt he will use this against me when we argue sometimes. I guess I need to accept that and take it on the chin. He will be putting up with much worse from me i.e the financial impact.

For the first time in a very long while I feel positive for the future.

It's funny how a few weeks can make such a difference to your emotions.

I am glad I reached my rock bottom and told everything to my husband. I am very lucky he stayed with me. I am happy to start feeling the sensible boring me is coming back.

I never want to go back to it again.

Day 60 today and no urges. Am well chuffed to get here. Eyeing up 100 days now.

Am hammering at work as well now. So happy to be getting my work mojo back.

Day 62 today and no urges 🙂

Had a counselling session yesterday which was as always very helpful.

I am mindful that they are almost up and do worry a bit about what will happen after.

We have done some good work in understanding my triggers but if I get urges again I only have my husband to go to. Is that enough?

I have no one else to talk to.

Congrats on making it this far, what an achievement!

Many thanks.

Day 65 today and no urges to gamble.

It's rather hot so spent this evening after work having a hose pipe fight in the garden with little one. She loved it.

Also had her first 1.5hr session at her new school in September and she smashed it. Just ran off to play and I left to carry on working.

So proud of her.

Good work whatsmyname on over 2 months GF. You are being honest and facing the wreckage of the past, which will allow you to fix this in time. Spend time with those you love and celebrate the small victories. Take care, Myles

Day 67 today (i think) No urge to gamble.

In a bit of a low mood this afternoon but nothing specifically on my mind. Guess i need to start getting used to that. I am in process of sending the dreaded i can't pay letters to get the DMP process running. Think subconsiously its that.

At least the weekend is almost here 🙂 Looking forward to some family fun!

Day 74 today and no urges to gamble, I am happy to report.

On holiday camping at mo and enjoying family time, it's bloody hot though!

Day 79 today and no urges to gamble.

Whilst away husband saw a text about some free spins flash up on my phone. Even though self excluded I get texts from some of them still.

He asked if I had gambled which is fine by me. Said no, as I haven't but feel that that is not enough. I want to prove it to him but don't know how.

Getting fed up with spammy texts and emails off the odd few that do still send messages. I may try to GDPR them to get my phone number and email address removed.

Facebook annoys me as well. I have set the advert controls to not show any gambling content but they come back every now and them.

It doesn't give me any urges but really peeves me off to receive junk that I don't want in any format.

Rant over!

Day 84 today and no thoughts to gamble, the thought of it repulses me at the moment and long may that continue.

Everything has been plodding along. Got back off holiday middle of last week and spent a few more days off doing house tidying etc. Little one starts school in September and she had a settling in session with her new teacher and class at school.

Was lovely to see her go off to class and we went to have a coffee with the other new parents. Seems a lovely school.

Other than that it's been playing with little one and studying.

I am using studying to keep busy. Appears to be working.

Also had the really stupid idea of trying to cross stitch a pattern and I can't even thread the bloody needle. Don't think that will go well!

Things seem to be good with husband.

Am in the middle of setting up a DMP with stepchange. Once that's established and little one settled at school I next need to look at legitimate ways to increase salary to help with this.

One step at a time though. This has helped massively. Looking at the bigger picture and breaking it down into small achievable chunks. I guess that can be said for most things in life though.

100 days I am coming for ya

Day 90 today. Not had any urges to gamble at all.

Life has just been trundling along. No major dramas etc.

I have slot more time to spend on doing all those normal things. House cleaning, spending time with little onr, studying etc.

No longer spending time at work thinking about gambling or taking really long lunches spinning. Also used to sit in car after work spinning before coming home late.

You know what, I really really like being normal and don't want to slip back to old ways.

Counselling sessions all used up 12 days ago.

Things with husband are fine in the sense that the gambling no longer really gets raised in arguments. I feel he is being a tad too trusting as he doesn't check my accounts and wants to give me joint account access again. I have refused. It seems to early.

We still need to work on our relationship though. Still feels a bit like we are just housemates. This has been going on a long time before gambling and I think I replaced that with gambling.

On the whole though, life is currently going as well as can be expected.

I feel happy and content.

Thanks for the post on my diary!

Well done too on your 90 days free from the nasties of gambling. Closing in on that 100 day mark.

Well done!

Well I think it's day 94 today and no urges to gamble.

However, in 4 days things have taken a turn for the worse at home.

My husband is not willing to work on our issues from the past - intimacy problems.

I am giving up and resigning myself to a life of this.

This is not due to the gambling, these issues were there probably 3 years before I started. In fact I stopped trying then and eventually turned to gambling as a replacement.

Although I am giving up on our intimate relationship again gambling is not an option for me this time. I have no intention of going back to that.

My time will now be spent on little one, studying, the days to day house stuff and the occasional box set for good measure.

I feel sad it has come to this. I wish he had split up with me when the gambling came to light. He could have found someone he wanted 100%.

I feel very sad and low today.