My diary

Dear whatsmyname,

I am sorry to read that you feel very sad and low today. 94 days gambling-free is excellent progress and it sounds like you have many other challenges to navigate at the moment. If you need further support please do not hesitate to call us free on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or contact the Netline.

Best Wishes,

Forum Admin

No gambling for 101 days. Very pleased. Not sure why as at the end of the day it's only been just over 3 months.

No urges to gamble which I am very happy about.

Home life is ticking over.

Don't know what else to say today.

Big congratulations on reaching 100 days (and beyond) gamble free. A great effort and one that you should be very, very proud of!

I’m sorry to hear about the issues in your personal life. It would have been so easy for you to give in and start to gamble again but you’ve shown the strength in character that you posses and resisted that. That deserves massive credit.

Keep up the good work...

Dan x

Day 104 and no urges or thoughts to gamble.

Had a lovely day at beach and have saved a few pennies for a weekend camping next week.

This weather has been a good send for lifting mood even though it can be too hot at times.

Not complaining in the slightest but I find it strange that after the first few weeks I have had no urges at all.

Study has taken a sideline at mo. Need to get back to that as indeed to start looking for a better paid job soon.

Finances are being sorted. My DMP starts in September. DD all set up etc. Most of the lenders seem to have accepted it without fuss.

Have worked out it will take approx 6 years to clear. Obviously I want it cleared as soon as possible but am not going to put myself under too much pressure to start with as I don't want to get too stressed and let gambling back in.

I think a better paid job is the way to speed things up hence needing to get back to study.

I have not missed gbling in any way shape of form and feel so relieved to not have those feelings of despair when you lose the lot.

Obviously I wish my rock bottom had come sooner and certainly much earlier than exhausting every lending opportunity I had as the amount is vast.

I can't change the past but can dam well make sure little one has my full attention and opportunities to play, have fun and the occasional camping trip away whilst I pay it all off.

Hey, whatsmyname.... I’m glad to see you’ve had a nice weekend on the beach and that you’ve got camping planned for next weekend. Sounds ace!

Yes, I feel the beautiful weather has helped me in my recovery too. It does lift your spirits and make you realise that there is so much more to life than gambling. It has given us a great platform to take into the autumn and winter months where we must continue to stay resolute and abstain from the evils of gambling.

It’s lovely to see some positivity in your last message. Things will get better and better, the longer you stay away from gambling.

As for ‘Rock Bottom’, I guess it’s called that for a reason. It sometimes needs us to hit that rock bottom for us to wake up and smell the coffee.

I’ve got faith that you’re going to battle through and win this war.

Keep posting and updating us with how you’re doing.

Take care, Dan x

Day 106 today and no urges or thoughts to gamble.

Thanks Dan, means a lot.

Was chatting to husband last night wondering if I should set myself a new gamble free days goal.

I think doing that implies I may gamble again and that is not something I ever want to entertain or consider so I don't think I will set any more goals.

Just take each day at a time.

108 days a d no urges to gamble.

At the moment the site isn't really working for me so may take a break. I maybe back to either read or update diary but not sure.

I wish everyone well

I do understand the need to take a break from the site. I felt the same way a couple of months back.

But I do hope you come back on here after a break. You’d be missed on here if you didn’t.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck on your continued journey.

Dan x

I decided to pop back to the site right in the middle of the log in issues!

Finally logged in this morning to find i am 169 days gamble free. I have had no urges to gamble so it's been a pretty easy time on that front.

Facing up to the financial issues i have caused is another matter though. Husband is now being supportive which helps massively. I do still feel down occasionally when the lack of money becomes glaringly obvious.

The guilt and shame is reducing alot and i do not really think about that now on a day to day level. I still want to keep a small portion of that as a reminder to myself. I think it helps keep me on the straight and narrow.

Day 172 today and again no urges or thoughts to gamble.

This makes me a very happy bunny. I am so so. Relieved not to feel the highs and lows. Am happy to be out.

My dmp has been trundling along for a few months now.

Home life is pretty normal. We do have the odd disagreement and frustration about lack of money but nothing major.

My relationship with husband is much better from even before the gambling. We had stopped communicating a long time before gambling. We were just sniping at each other. That's gone to.

Still in the same job but do need a salary increase. I am not rushing though. I need to think long term.

Little one started school this year and she is doing so well.

Onwards and upwards.

Day 175 today. Didn't really do much this weekend. Took little one to a birthday party and studied.

Also started to formulate the long term plan for debt reduction but it's not going to start till the middle of next year. Need to get my head fully together. Even though it's been almost 6mths since I last gambled I still do not want to put too much pressure on myself to soon. Husband is OK with this plan.

I messages a friend this week on fessed up to what I did. It felt strange telling someone else. Thought she would judge my but happily she didn't.

Not sure about telling others however I am aware my support network outside of my husband is non existant.

Day 187 today and happy to report there have been no urges to gamble.

Been feeling up and down recently. We had to switch our mortgage deal so was worried that would be an issue because of my trashed credit report. That went through fine as we stuck with the same company so they didnt do another credit check.

The next worry is that we have gone 5yrs to stabilise which means there is arounf £130 less left for the DMP and am now worried the banks wont accept as its a big reduction and now will take 13 years to clear if everything stays static. Just looking at that makes me feel soo guilty and full of shame.

Those feelings keep coming back, maybe thats what is keeping me on the straight and narrow, who knows.

I am seeing this as worst case scenario timescale wise and payrises and job changes will reduce this. Just hope the banks accept this in the short term as i am now playing the long game. Worried again.

Day 200 today, pretty happy with that!

It's been a roller coaster couple of weeks. Financial worries rearing it's ugly head again. Had to move the mortgage to a different rate which means debt repayments reduce quite a bit. This will go back up over the next few years with payrises etc and job change. The worry is will the banks go for it. It's all with stepchange so fingers crossed for me.

I have been majorly worried about losing house but have not once thought about gambling. Very happy with that.

It also feels that the guilt and shame has reduced, it's not my first thoughts.

Family life doing ok. Little one doing well at school. Getting on quite well with hubby.

I think he could do with some counselling but he refused to engage as he says he doesn't want it on his medical records. Not sure if it even would.

We are communicating better than ever. We still have the every day grumbles however our default position isn't attack. We can talk and discuss again. I have sooo missed that.

Work is a tad pants, think I am outgrowing the role and need to move on. Am still studying and about a month away from taking 1st exam so job hunting in the new year.

That's all from me for now.

243 days gamble free.

No urges or thoughts to gamble. the feeling of the losses are still very clear in my mind. Never want to go back to that.i did truly hit my rock bottom and then some.

Was chatting to the friend I told about the early days and it's amazing how quickly the really bad times ease and normaility returns. Was thinking of the crying mess I was in the first few weeks.

Life trundling on. Work going well. Little one is awesome and excited about Christmas.

Hubby and I doing ok, we still have the odd blip but nothing major, just general life.

Looking forward to Christmas, money obviously tight but little hasn't gone short which is the main thing.

Yes, it wont be extravagant, not that it ever was majorly, we have each other, a roof over our head, food and warmth.

And little one has a mother who no longer gambles.

I wish you all a merry gamble free Christmas!

306 days and still gamble free.

No urges to gamble but have had thought about the excitement i used to get when spinning.

I guess I recognize the fact that I still sometimes miss that initial buzz.

I still say have no urges to gamble as not had any thoughts about trying to open other accounts or deposit anywhere.

Not sure if I am being a tad complacent as I am signed up to GameStop.

I have access to my bank account again but pretty much all money gets transferred to husband on payday.

My credit history is completely trashed due to the DMP so no chance of getting credit anywhere if I do get urges.

Husband did have the details to my credit search accounts but he is complacent and doesn't do any checks. I may remind him.

The DMP is rolling on. For anyone concerned about that please do talk to stepchange they are not judgemental. Creditors all cool, they accepted the budget, froze interest and do not contact me unless they have sold the debt on.

Did have one piece of good news as one debt did actually get sold on and the company offered to take a one off payment, for 8k less than the amount due, to close the account. Husband paid it off for me as he wanted the discount.

I appreciate it's better for a gambler to not get this kind of help but as mentioned above my credit history is trashed anyway.

I am in a much much healthier place than last year. Not preoccupied with gambling, not spending hours on my own spinning. The worry about how I am going to pay everything off without my husband finding out etc. Life is much better.

I still feel some guilt but not as much is I did. I feel I need to keep a small amount still because of the financial hardships I have caused.

We are on a tight budget because of me and that is what I hate the most still. No buying stuff, eating out when we want to, fancy holidays etc. I don't miss that for me but I know my husband does and I could be giving little one a lot more financially. We have our health etc though.

The debt is going down. Think 12k has been cleared so far.

It's bloody hard at the start of giving up but you can be surprised as to how quick normality comes back.

I just wish I had had the strength to own up sooner.