My Diary: Day 1 to Day Never Again!!!

So...it goes back to late 2009 - Life was good, had a brand new house, with everything a lad in his mid 20's would need, as well a savings account with a £5k balance, to help prepare for my future. Things were pretty good.

Although my friends and I would spend most summer days (and weekend days) at the local fair/amusement arcades in my early to mid teens, I very rarely had a gamble, in any form from then on. Other than the stereotypical Grand National £1 each way on some three legged rank outsider.

Fast forward a few years, and the commercialisation/popularity of football accumulators, I was perfectly happy to stick a quid on a 15 teamer, with returns that I could retire on - but was totally in control, never ever felt the urge to put more than one bet on, or spend more than £1.00, or even have the urge to bother going out just to put a 'daft bet' on. Probably the same as 95% of people who can have a gamble and forget it, dismissing it as either a bit of harmless fun, or a complete waste of a quid!

So far so good then?? The next part is where is went wrong.

I can remember this day with unbelievable accuracy.

w**********l. High street. Saturday, Mid-Day. A few of us went in together, some to put a football bet on, and at that time I wasn't even bothering to put one on (ironic I know!) - at this point I was very much one of the ''it's a waste of £1.00'' crew.

Whilst inside, I bumped into an old school friend standing at a FOBT, with someone else I didn't know, playing Roulette. At that point, whilst generally chatting to my mate (who never really took his eyes of the screen, now that I remember) suddenly bursts into a 'Get in there, what a f*****g beauty' etc etc. It was at this point he told me that he had £5.00 on number 26, winning £180. His total bet was only £10.00 - Allthough I was happy he won, my immediate thought was 'God £10.00 on a spin of a wheel' (I'm still in the 'waste of £1.00 crew' at this point, remember!). I was intrigued as to how so much money can be won, so quickly, without having to wait 90 mins for a match.

He offered to 'go halves' with me on a spin if I was interested, £10.00 each and he'd pick the numbers. Although it would be the most I'd ever spent in any visit to a bookies in my life, I agreed, gave him £10.00 and he matched it with his own. The whole £20.00 was staked, start button was pressed.................36, Red, Even comes out the machine speaker (and I don't know if that's good or bad at this point!) - but it was, 36 had £4 sitting on it, and our £20.00 bet was now worth £144.00.

I took my £72.00 and ran, declined the offer to 'go again' and had a cracking night out courtesy of Mr ******roulette machine.

Well, you all know what happened next.

Thoughts of 'it was easy money' 'any one can do it' and the usual reasoning we've all came accustomed to, lead me to pop into ****** and have a game of roulette. By this time I had already read about the martingale system, so was going on to play red/black even money only, non of this ''£5.00 on 26 rubbish''.

It didn't work. I lost six spins running, costing me £81.

I was distraught - I couldn't justify to myself losing that kind of money, so I thought I'd have a try and win it back....

The next 6 years bring me to today. Completely hooked to these cancerous machines. £20k in debt, living at home (with mum). I've quit twice before for 3 months and 4 months each time, but have always gone back even though I know I how it'll end. I've never stolen, but I've lied my way thought the last 6 years in terms of where I have been, or where my wages have gone. It's now time to try and get rid of this demon for good. Big loss on Wednesday afternoon of just shy of £1000 was the final straw, all on the spin of a wheell eh?!?!?

Feel like I've lost my life, my self esteem and not just what is likely over £100,000 to a computer terminal designed to take my money from me.

I'm hoping the forums will help me break the cycle, actually talking to people who are going through, or have gone through the same situation and managed to quit for good - almost like I'd be completely embarrassed and have more people I'd let down if I went back to gambling after telling you all my story...

Thanks for reading 🙂

I was a sports bettor but my tale is nonetheless similar. You can't think about the losses and the past or it just pulls you in again. Best thing to do is draw a line under it. Imagine you got dropped down on the earth from a spaceship with the current situation you have. What would you do? You'd get on with it, work hard and get living life. Good luck sir.

Day 1:

Here again - last time I went almost 4 months and felt really good about it - then crash!! The inevitable happened...

Why am I doing this to myself????? What an supreme idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 2:

Spent the majority of the day at home, mixed between a hopefulness that a corner has been turned and dread/hatred at my own ability to lose control on so, so many occasions.

Purposely didn't get dressed until I had to leave the house to go strait to an appointment, basically to ensure I had no spare time outside that needed to be 'wasted'

Decided I'm going to give scores out of 10, from tomorrow, about temptation, hopefulness and anything else that springs to mind!!

Day 3:

Well today has been quite easy. Due to the fact that I've been busy, leaving me no spare time to gamble. I'm coming to the conclusion that gambling is my spare time activity, with horrendously bad consequences.

In short, if I don't have any time, I don't have the time to gamble.

Haven't blocked the online stuff yet - mainly as I don't have any digital funds, so it's impossible to play currently but that has to be done immediately.

I am carrying cash in my wallet, which is to get me through until I get my next pay. I don't want to be holding this much cash, but after losing everything I had, I had to pawn something, so have that money in my wallet.

Have had a lovely day with my little one who is off this week for half term - chance to gamble hasn't presented itself, but that doesn't mean I am suddenly fine and am capable of walking around with £200 in my wallet without implication.

Feeling hopeful I can beat it: 3/10

Temptation: 1/10 but only as I knew I wasn't in a position to gamble today regardless!!

Hi Change - thanks for the comment, in particular the part about drawing a line under it - I need to let go of the losses and look to the future... Do you mind if I ask how long you've quit for and what was effective for you when you had temptation?

Day 4 - Part 1...

Doing today in two parts, because, as of tea time today, I have my 'Night Off' from being a Dad (Mum has the Friday 🙂 )

Other than day 2, this will be the first time since my quit attempt that I am on my own, so I'm slightly concerned about what to do with the time available... I'm sitting here now convinced I'm going no where near the bookies.

It got me thinking about how much of my life has been wasted in the bookies. I reckon an average of 14 hrs per week, over 6 years, which works out at 182 full 24 hour days - that's like pulling up a stool in front of a FOBT now, and not moving until November!!!! w*f!!!!!!!!

Day 4 - Part 2:

Took the time to permanently self exclude from the two sites I was a member of - one in particular was really frustrating, as it was nigh on impossible to find the part of the site to ban myself - a cynical view would say it was intentionally difficult to find it, to stop you doing it...but it's done now and they're gone for good.

Going to research the exclusion from shops tomorrow.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking that I'm destined to fail - almost like I'm humouring myself until the inevitable happens.

but it's another day gamble free so got to take the positive from it I suppose.

Evening bud,

You've made a good choice starting a diary, I would email admin and ask them to move it to the diary section,

You might find this thread useful about self excluding from bookies.

KTF

Day 5:

Had a lazy Sunday, lie in and then watched tennis/footy. Saw various adverts for betting and muttered 'f**k off' under my breath to them (for some reason??!!)

Another day without a gamble. But couldn't switch off last night, possible symptom??

havent had to test myself very much, haven't walked/driven past a bookies, concerned that when the opportunity arises I'll get caught in two minds...

Thanks KTF, I've moved it over to diary section

Sorry bud here's the link

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/self-excluding-bookies-over-phone

Day 5:

Busy day working, not much trouble through the day in terms of temptation.

But, the thoughts get did cross my mind while driving home, but I just told myself to forget it and kept driving...it worked, but I hope I don't get that feeling all of the time.

I'm hoping the longer I go without gambling, the less it will come to mind, otherwise I can see it eating me up again if I've had a bad day or am completely bored.

Hi again just thought I would say
Good luck with your recovery.