My Diary - I want life to be normal again

Hi all,

It's been a month since I've been on here and posted. I hate to admit it but during that month I have gambled. I've gambled 5 or 6 times, all times in the bookies which I STUPIDLY HAVE NOT BANNED MYSELF FROM YET! I'm not really up or down financially from this month, but I'm down emotionally because I haven't listened and I've been extremely weak to return.

I asked myself today what is it I am chasing? 4k to pay off credit card? How often does anyone walk out of a bookies with 4k? Hardly ever! It just isn't going to happen and I'm very dissapointed in myself. Why have I not popped into Sainsburys and spent £5 on passport photos yet? Feel like a waste of space!

Anyway I'll check back in a couple of days...I'm sure you can guess what my intentions are, so I plan to come back with some positive news.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Fluttergutter, nice to see you back!

Why do you think you are putting off excluding from the bookies?

Hi

It's an illness and the illness is controlling you... So it's making you do things against your will and better judgment... Like not excluding from the bookie. The illness wants you to gamble again...

But you can get the better of this illness. One thing to do this is excluding yourself from the bookie. Every single one. Being unable to do this means you are succumbing to the illness...

If this is the case maybe you'll continue to gamble until you've turned that 4k debt into 40k, then you'll hop, skip and jump over to the bookie to exclude. Do you get where I'm coming from mate? The 4k is gone... It really is. The illness is telling you it can be won back... but you know deep down that it can't. 4k is a lot of money... Please don't let it be any more.

Understand that it is an illness. Understand that currently the illness is pulling your strings but thank the lord that you are in a privileged position where this illness can be managed and brought under control... It's not like terminal illness where your time is up.

So you have choices... Aren't you lucky... Use them.

This isn't terminal illness. You have a choice. Someone with terminal illness would do ANYTHING to have the choice you have right now. Anything.

Hi signalman,

Thanks for your wise words. When you read messages like this it all makes so much sense, but I really need to train my brain in understanding that it is indeed an illness rather than a form of escapism.

Lil30 I think it is just that. It's that little place I go to, to escape my normal life and all the woes that now exist in it. Doesn't make sense though considering most of the time I come out feeling worse about myself. How are you getting on with your journey?

Thanks for the support guys.

Hi, I’m on 15 days, but it feels a bit false as I have had no money. Pulled together rent money, but will miss payments that I need to make up next month. Need to focus on the future!

Hi all,

w*f is wrong with me. Today instead of going a bit further out of the area to get passport photos to go with the self-exclusion form and hand it in, I went straight to the bookies to try and turn £40 I had spare into I don't know, £100, £200...I didn't really even have a target! I feel seriously weak! I know what the right thing to do is but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to ban myself from the only means I have of gambling (cannot gamble online due to Gamstop, plus no other bookmakers close by).

10 spins without a single win, and I sit there and blame them.....saying that they are doing this as they know a £2 limitation is coming up....trying to get as much money as they can before it happens (in my head, not physically to the cashier!). But it's not them it's me.

I'll say it again, I know what the right thing to do is. What I cannot get to grips with is why I am unwilling to let go? Any advice here would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Hey hun

I have also relapsed today on day 16 , I’m also on gamstop but bought scratch cards £52 quid worth I have no idea why I don’t even like scratch cards and it’s never been my problem it was online . It’s just proved to me I needed that buzz again I’ve been seeking life is dull and feeling down but now I just feel like a pathetic failure. Maybe I need to find a hobby but I have 2 daughters so not much time for myself . Anyway let’s just start again, try harder and keep fighting that’s all we can do . We can do this ! Good luck x oh and ps you know you need to get in that bookies and self exclude so just do it ASAP and you will feel free again x

Hi Flutter, sorry to hear that things haven't been quite going your way but financially no real damage. The replies you've received all speak a lot of sense. I understand you not wanting to cut off your final chance of a big win but as you correctly said in an earlier post how many people walk out of the bookies £4000 up?? If we did a survey there wouldn't be many and you and I both know deep down it won't be us today or tomorrow. If I could turn back the clock 30 years and not play roulette things would be SO much better. However it's never too late and I'm determined that I'll never waste anymore money playing. Excluding was HARD. Same mindset as yourself, no chance of that big win but as Signalman says over time £4000 debt to a £40000 one or whatever and it's true. The longer you keep putting off self excluding ultimately the more you'll lose. It's about two months since I've stopped playing mainly online roulette and whilst I'll never become complacent I do feel much happier despite debts that I continue paying as a result. Only you can make that ultimate call Flutter but all the other great people on here will tell you to do it (and you know that too deep down ). I'm sure at first if you do there'll be times you wish you hadn't but please take it from me long term you and of course your lovely lad will be the winners.

Cheers Stew

Hi Stew,

Correct, no real damage financially but while I continue to gamble I'm also risking nothing going wrong with my car, no emergencies occurring etc. I know 4k isn't as much debt as a lot of people on here but it's still debt and I don't have a lot of spare money behind me.

Congratulations on going two months without gambling! I do appreciate your response in helping me change my mindset. I'm going to do it tomorrow. On my way to work in the morning I'm going to get the photos and take them with the form to the bookies. If a 'big win' is all that is stopping me then I have no excuse. As you and signalman have said, that debt is only going to get bigger and less manageable if I don't exclude.

Hi Aimee - sorry to hear you relapsed after two weeks. Keep your head up and keep fighting, and don't forget the reasons you are doing this...(maybe I should listen to myself there haha).

All the best and good luck all.

Hi Flutter, really good to hear from you. I fully understand about what you say, such as if you have any sudden car bills etc but you'll still be better off without gambling. Im guessing like me you look for some meaty win (or small) to pay bills etc or to have some extra cash kicking around? I also used to enjoy being away from it all for a while. All that's changed for me now and life is definitely better even after a short period of abstinence. I'm wondering whether you made it in to self exclude or not?? Thank you for your congratulations to me! To be 59 days free of roulette is a huge achievement for me!! Still a long road ahead though. The interesting thing is I was always hanging on for the BIG win and when I did win anything it ALWAYS went back to them within a few days (usually the next day!!) and more. This two months I've managed to stay in the black (only by about £75) but that's included Christmas so next month it'll be a bit better so already I'm seeing a difference. I know had I kept going I'd be at my overdraft limit and in a mess as usual. I also feel much happier. As I've said before over the years I've lost all my savings , inheritance wages and still have other manageable debts to pay back over the next three years but that's all gone and I'm concentrating on today for a better tomorrow if all that makes sense. You're obviously a decent guy and if you kick gambling now you've got so many great years ahead. Sorry if it sounds like I'm lecturing but only trying to help you and your young son. Have a great weekend Flutter. Cheers Stew

Exclusions alone don’t work! Trying harder isn’t the solution!

If you really do want a normal life, stop letting addiction tell you this is about an amount of money that you want to “get back”...Look around the site if you have to, how many diaries talk about people getting their money back & actually stopping? You have to stop making excuses & start taking steps to change the way you think & behave...Coming here & admitting you are struggling to exclude is an admission that you need help, take the next one: Counselling (GP/helpline), groups, honesty with yourself & people around you. The list goes on but the changes must come from you! When I stopped gambling, my life became infinitely worse, I still don’t know what normal is but today I accept that I’m an addict & I’m living a life I never dreamed was possible, surrounded by people who have all walked in my shoes.

If you want normal, go out & get it, you won’t find it in a pile of cash.