My Diary of Shame

Hello again Kelly, ok, you win and I stand corrected on the mustard so please reverse your stone curse and return my heart to a beating organ........ somehow I think you will have a comeback line there some where 😉

Anyway I'm sat on a boat and I'm gonna continue this cyber convo. Same rules as last, this diary and possibly no need this time to reply.

I need to articulate this carefully, but in the last 7 years I've been to 4 random meetings, 3*GA & 1*AA and yet never returned for a 2nd meet. I know I'm not alone in some of the terminology sitting uncomfortable with me, yet I do get it in a fashion!! I know it's also bs when people talk about the ' higher power ' being a off putter. In my 4 meets I only witnessed it once and nigh on ran to the door when I heard religious connotations as it was the first meet and first share but then every other share resonated thereafter!

Yet still that doubt persisted in sticking with me, despite warming to the likes of Dans to this gamcare world and seeing the calmness between there words.

Another thing I thought I would share is on all 4 occasions I thought I Needed to attend. Then this changed as I approach this point. I've just finished yesterday my second meeting, the same concept as GA/AA but with similar who confused and fought the terminology. I found this place in Maidstone and as In the rooms/ fellowship( another word I don't like) and chaired and ran by addicts. It's similar but more of a controlled open conversation and a few past fellowship attendees. So, my point is that there are places out there for anyone. Same rules i.e. An open mind, learn to listen and share. Also for the first time I understood the ' power ' of the room. Also what had flipped is the want to go rather than the need.

No moral, just a thought Kelly and also a fellow who lists sleeping as a hobby albeit I should rephrase that as a tos.ser and turner.....go easy on the tos.ser bit

It's taking all my strength but no come back V 😉

Need v want...

I want to be friends with the mutt but I don't need to be! I never wanted to stop gambling...Wanted to want to stop maybe but I loved it, who gives up on love. Wanted & needed to stop losing was the problem so then the over-riding concern became that I needed to stop.

Some people want to attend meetings because they feel like medicine, some need them to stay safe. Me, I need something to help me progress & re(dis)covery is about getting out of our comfort zones...I don't want to but I need to. As an addict, I was always looking for the easy way...Life isn't a short cut!

I did feel a bit overwhelmed initially when people spoke about praying each day, doing moral inventories & making amends before bedtime. I still have no real clue about my higher power & striving for 5 horrified me but the more open minded I am, the more it makes sense. Not sure if you have an orange book but the daily & moral inventory (pg 24) is like a horror story to me up here on my pedestal where I think nothing but a 10 will do...I hit 10's ok but only on the liabilities 🙁 The asset side is like trying to leave negative feedback on eBay...You have to give them a star even though they don't deserve it. Life isn't black & white (me right, you wrong) & the program gives me the peripheral vision that I've been lacking. It's a gold standard & I'm ok with the bronze (or even the bag of nuts (4th) or wafer (sounded waffa) thin mint (5th) ) packages. Maybe I wasn't as sick as some people get, maybe I'm just scared of commitment, maybe I'm just grateful that I didn't lose everything & have the opportunity to make less of a hash of these next few years or maybe I'm just not there yet & will dive deeper into the 'program' in the coming months/weeks/years. Maybe I'll never get a good night's sleep but whatever happens, as long as I never forget where I've come from, I will know not to walk that path again & that's progress!

So, off on a tangent there but it's pretty therapeutic writing stuff down so I thank you 🙂

Not like me to psychoanalyse but feels like you've evolved of late? Still rambling & riddling but I feel a sense of calm about you now, it's rather settling. There are places for everyone, even the same GA room can feel different every week...I'm so happy to hear that you now want help. You've spent a very long time running Paul, I hope now is your time.

read your post a little ago and albeit being happy with our little convo but was happy to just let it wonder.

Then I remembered something which was timed perfectly and carried me last week and that was Glints little proverb he sent to me-

' The patient wo/ man has the wind behind them '

Let the wind do the work as all you need is patience.....as easy as that, I think not! But a cool proverb none the less

I'm glad you emphasied the " She " on the train to Paul, otherwise I'd have posed the question " Is it deffo the elbow that's sticking into you " : 0 )) !!

Anyone know where I can get a Wonderbroom to keep my side of the street clean so that I can use my new magic erasers on my halo 😉

Seriously though, for all you clean freaks out there, if you haven't tried them...Magic erasers rock! If you were staring down @ the tops of my cupboards, you'd be forgiven for thinking you were in the kitchen of a Chinese takeaway, not anymore! They really do remove all sorts of gunk including Ribena (I have no idea how, it got there, not how they work because I know, that's magic) from the ceiling & all manner of doggy scuff marks from the walls. I did have to chuckle when one of the questions on the seller's page asked "Can I use them on my horse?" but luckily I don't have a horse so no dilemma in my world thankfully because quite frankly I didn't find the sellers feedback "That is a ridiculous question!" particularly helpful 😉

I also have another top tip, apols if I wrote about it before but I've picked up another cold (grrrr) & I can't speak highly enough of it...Vics on your feet. Slather it on, pop on your socks & unbelievably, you don't need to make 4 pillow walls to help you sleep standing up, you can lie down cough free :-0 Now I never could see what Debbie McGee saw in Paul Daniels...I can now!

I am filled with cold and sinus, very helpful Vicks tip, tonight I may sleep and breath!! Thanks muchly

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OOOP's ! Sorry ladies , I was looking for Gamcare and seem to have stumbled into boots :)) LoL ! .

Thank's "K" I'll pass your tip's on the Chinese takeaway next door , they'll be thrilled !! and stay off that Ribena :)).

Seriously Ladies , I hope you both feel better soon , Now where's My sock's and Vic ? . xx

Did someone say "clean freaks?"

My ears be burning.

Dettol all in one disinfectant spray changed my life.

I go for the Spring Waterfall variety.

Obviously.

This stuff is good. I think it would work very well in conjunction with magic erasers. It works on hard surfaces, air and upholstery (no word on horses). Just spray it on your surface of choice after cleaning (with magic erasers/I like to steam clean) then it works as a disinfectant and air freshener all in one.

Good as the erasers are, you need to disinfect as you clean. Just because something looks clean doesn't necessarily mean that it is.

Big blue banner on the top of the can reads 'kills cold & flu viruses'. That includes amongst others E.coli, Salmonella and MRSA ODAAT.

Your second excellent tip might not be needed as often when cleaning with Dettol all in one disinfectant spray. A product for all the 'prevention better than cure' purists out there.

Remember that sometimes you have to go deeper and beyond the surface to get the job done.

Both an excellent cleaning tip and metaphor for discovery.

Get well soon to you both ODAAT and Julie.

As Glint has passed on his tips for cleaning, I felt obliged to share my tip.

Her names Mrs Brown and she lives at number 36

Random...but just hope you didn't attend any concerts today & are safe..

Look after yourself..

#1 Because you don't wash them !

#2 Because it's English !

#3 Because it's one step away from being Bleach ( I alway's use the loo so can't help with the last bit :))

Or just maybe you need to stop eating sandwiches in the pool whilst P.eeing with your clothes on ? :))

xx

My icy heart has thawed...44 years of nothing more than short periods of sadness @ all things terror related have given way to a struggle to process the latest atrocity.

Thank you Lord (whatever you are) for bringing my husband home safely after the tragic terrorist attack on Saturday night & every strength to people far & wide caught up in this messy world, my heart breathes for us all!

I had another "Not like you to let your feelings be known! #kudos" discussion the other night @ work (well I have been there 5 months now) & I'm annoyed with myself.

Last time I tried to get promoted, I had to go through psychometric testing...I scored pretty well but the feedback confused me. It showed my weakness as a reluctance to challenge authority?

Apart from the clown that upset me the other week, there are a vast number of supervisors who would beg to differ with that synopsis but still I wonder if I have subconsciously taken the unjustified feedback to heart?

Another consideration is that when I have these 'discussions', I am invariably sticking my head above the parapet & merely voicing everyone's opinions so thereby seeking validation from my peer group when the story gets retold (no embellishment required)?

I am passionate & don't approve of people that know nothing about our 'cause' making decisions for the little people under the guise of it being in our interests. I don't like unfairness or preferential treatment (unless, of course, in accordance with my double standards, it's in my favour) & lack of communication in a work environment is unacceptable (unless again, it's me that has forgotten to send an email)! So it is invariable that I may sometimes find myself in the middle of such discussions but I seem to have developed a love for telling them on 🙁

I'm struggling to stop doing so & need to figure out how to bring my hindsight up to speed with my gob. Starting next week when I have a new work colleague (a work wife for the 1st time in my career -similar age, similar mentality, similar work ethos, watch out world), we're having a 10p 'moan' jar. Had a shift of putting the world to rights yesterday & now moaning is well & truly off the table...I tried this once before, halfway through a shift, & the RNLI benefitted to the tune of £20 (I'm pretty sure there were more gates than outbursts but @ £1 a go, it was a valuable lesson hence the 10p this time around)! I will figure this out - ODAAT

Smoke screens and mirrors Odaat. Having them ' discussions ', with the wrong folk can be futile to the cause. A balance is needed in keeping things close to ones chest and sticking ones head above the parapet. I guess in old money it's about playing chess rather than snakes and ladders.

Also it's quite a tough one challenging authority, there's a insecurity in what ever plateur your challenging and the chess nove comes into the equation by how you challenge but by also respecting the seniority.. A tough call, a check mate needed.

We seem to have a ' metric ' connection. You need to get through psychometric testing and I need to get through biometric testing, but I always come up the winner with mine as they use right handed machines...kerchinggg, as I bypass yet another big brother trap.... cunning of me as I know there machines better than they do 🙂

Hi

Just had a quick read of your diary. You always seem to give such good advice on here, so I wanted to get a little background of where you have come from. On the first page you were talking about going through old bank statements and being shocked by how many transactions for gambling you saw. I can remember back when I was living in the red mist I wouldn't even open them. I was too scared. I still don't really like opening post because of the past. I want to congratulate you on your resolve. You are a shining example of how the demons can be beaten. Your wise words do not go unnoticed. All the best

West