My Diary of Shame

Goodness me I’m pathetic...

I’ve just burst into tears & come to bed with a hot water bottle because I’ve signed up for a half marathon & my training partner has 2 runs under her belt but I have none!

I trained hard in the pool on Sunday night & had a sports massage yesterday so I had a fully justifiable reason for not going out & actually I did a 3 mile walk with the mutt which was uncomfortable enough to prove running was a terrible idea. I have to stay injury free & I’m also swimming tonight so equally viable not to be running today but my brain says nope, you need to be out there. I know I’m not up to it because I have a new niggle, in my left Achilles this time, but I reluctantly, pull on my new compression pants (love them) & some S****y upper body training gear worrying about adding some extra layers as I hobble downstairs. My body is saying no, I know to listen to it but my mind is angry because I have agreed to a sleep guard @ the Dentist, along with an upper back filling without sedation. It’s tier 3 NHS treatment so it’s going to cost & I’m pretty sure all I need to do is go back, say I’ve had a re-think, I don’t want the guard but I do want to be put out & it may still cost the same but regardless financial matters are still controlling my life even though I live comfortably now 🙁

I’ve had (still having) a good cry & stropped up to bed but I have iced for 10 mins & put on one of my magic plasters...I know I’m being ridiculous & despite a good night’s sleep after having a 2nd attempt @ starting my Step 4, I’m out of sorts again & it’s uncomfortable!

I could run but I’ll aggravate my injury, I should take the dog but I don’t have the energy now, I need to go shopping but maГ±ana is sounding too soon for that given that I went on a spending spree @ the weekend & don’t want to spend anything more as I don’t get paid until next week.

2 steps forwards, 1 step back but I’m here & not gambling...I’ll take it - ODAAT

Listen to your body as it know's far more about what it's feeling than you do !! .

In my 30/40s I ran load's and the last time I ran was 10 yr's ago training for the great south run , 2 weeks before the race my knee blew up ( not literally ) but you know what I mean and stupidly I tried to run through it , two ops later from ligament injury's and I never ran again :(( Now with the hip's thing as well I'm wondering if it was all down to the running over the years ? . If I was a racehorse they'd have shot me by now !! .

So please listen to it or at least get some advice :))

xx

Echo Alan’s advice,

I ran a lot when I stopped gambling, it was the only time I felt free from the thoughts of gambling, in a way you could say I was trying to out run my problems. I ran that much I was 50 percent Kt tape lol now I can barley cover 2k before my heel gives out. I was advised rest but you know us compulsive humans don’t take advice to much.

I’m travelling to London for the monuments run as my wife is an avid runner now too. Is that the race you’re running?

Did you notice that niether of us hairy @rrsed blokes offered any advice on the crying ? ................. Wonder why ? .............................. Tissues ..........Hot bath ................... Chocolate ..........wine ..............................? :)) xx

Ah the blessed mouth guard...

I have one, Laura has one, welcome to the club ;o)

The dentist told me when I got mine that I had basically chewed half my cheeks off inside my mouth and asked if I was stressed... gambling was at its peak at the time lol.

Im sure I even remember saying to him that I'll be less stressed if the football goes my way this weekend but the humour was completely lost on him. He got the last laugh anyway when he handed me the bill for it :oO

Anyway see it as a shrewd investment - cheaper to buy a guard now than a new set of teeth later on :o)

Ps did you have that thought about going down a sports shop and just buying one for a fiver coz we both did :o) corrupt thinking at its finest

o*g Guys, I needed to hear all of that today...Thank you all!

Don’t worry about the crying Pops, it’s an old friend.

No Jase, I’m avoiding London like the plague now I don’t have to commute there...MK half for me on 06/05/2019. Ran the course with hubby in 2014 & apart from a small bump in one of the roads that we had to go back & investigate @ a later date to prove to him it wasn’t an actual mountain, it’s a very flat course so I’m not completely daft.

My GA brother, I haven’t had those thoughts yet...More the pay for sedation & sack it off because I don’t actually think I grind my teeth. I mean how can I if my thumb is wedged into my gob? She was nice but she told me off about my consumption of fizzy drinks (fully expected) & not drinking water (also expected), told me to carry around a bottle of mouthwash (I heard “My goodness your breath stinks!” but she may have been talking about counteracting the fizzy), thumb sucking (very fair point since I’m not 5 anymore) & yet said my teeth were very clean & gums were fine, especially considering what I had told her. She didn’t pick up on the broken filling, and only came up with the sleep shield when I couldn’t remember breaking it & mentioned that hubby used to complain about me sounding like I was chewing the cud - but that hasn’t happened recently?!? I think I agreed to it all including the filling without sedation because she said it was very expensive & I would be fine (although as far as I can see, this wouldn’t cost anymore anyway) to make her like me? She even told me off for using children’s toothpaste because “No, no, no, that’s not enough for adult teeth!”...Albeit she eventually conceded that my teeth were fine & it was probably preferable to me not bothering! I’ll let you have a shot @ convincing me 2moz night before I sack it off altogether though!

Anyway guys, once again, thank-you & goodnight all x

ODAAT wrote:

She even told me off for using children's toothpaste because “No, no, no, that's not enough for adult teeth!”...

LOOOOL :o)

I'll get you a multipack of toothpaste for Christmas then.

What's your preferred poison? Milk teeth? :o)

ODAAT wrote:

WOW...How easy to see problems when someone else holds up a mirror by articulating them! Thank-you so much for this Louis...I am rarely comfortable around other people including people I deem to be friends & my family & yet I too am perfectly happy in my partner's company!? It got me thinking about why this could be & it looks like I have a similar subconscious expectation of myself.

When I think hard:

I can recognise that when I used to climb on my soapbox @ work & drop the f bomb like it was confetti I coped fine...Now I'm more aware I struggle, even with stuff I can do from muscle memory?! I often feel on edge @ the thought of pressing send on an email or ending a phonecall (not that I've ever been good on the phone) & I'm constantly judging myself because I don't have the confidence (nay bravado) I used to have.

I can also recognise that I do get nervous in the rooms but less so when I have stuff I really need to get out. When I have something troubling me, I don't stop to wonder who is there, what they will make of it, whether it makes me look weak I just get it out...I don't care if people judge me, I need to expunge it. If I have nothing worrying me, then I want to come over as having something useful to share, maybe be a little light hearted & hoping against hope that people understand recovery is worth it!

This should probably be on my diary (so if someone could re-post it for me that would be lovely thanks) but I just wanted to acknowledge that you are not alone & thank you for turning this recovery light on for me.

Went to GA tonight, didn’t know why until I got there...

I didn’t have the energy to communicate with my sponsor, sending curt messages so that he would know I’m still isolating. Wouldn’t commit to a meeting, even when the NM suggested it, that I had no reason not to attend, just didn’t want to. Even took myself off to bed for a Nana nap @ half 6 knowing full well I would snooze my alarm. But something dragged me out & although I half attempted to make sense of my current behaviour on the way there, the general consensus was that I wouldn’t give a therapy (unlikely) & if I did it was gonna be snotty, judgemental & completely pointless (because that is absolutely not what GA is about)!

Just as the meeting was about to start, the door opened & the unmistakable haunted face of a 1st timer whispered “Is this GA?”...All the pain & hurt of whatever had bought them through the doors etched on his face & I remembered!

I remembered, I walked through those doors not to stop gambling but to get well & I’m not there yet. Even by my standards, my therapy was rubbish & I’ve Mr Blobby’d my way through enough to know when I’ve had some internal cleansing...Tonight there was none of that, it was just another meeting that I wouldn’t have missed for the world!

I don’t know why I’m missing meetings when I get so much out of them, I don’t know why I’m struggling with the love shown by my sponsor when it is given freely, I don’t know why I didn’t post on the “being needy” thread when I HATE the concept of being so, I don’t know why I didn’t respond to Louis when I got so much identification from what he posted & I sure don’t know when I started being so tired again & so hard on myself!

I’ve signed up for a half marathon & after the last one I did on no training, and swore that I wouldn’t do that to my body again, I am following a training plan. The last time I did anything of the sort, I managed 2 whole days, with the old man, going running round the Rec...We left home when I was 12! Apart from gambling, I’ve never committed to anything in my life because life & all it’s challenges have either come easy or by-passed me whilst I was in the fog of my addiction. I’m in a new job now, not getting on with my team which consists of 3 other people & a supervisor & so trying extra hard to fit in with the people who are looking out for me. I’m extremely grateful to them but it’s putting more pressure on top of the pressure I already have on myself to be able to fit a mould that I don’t have the skills for. I’m working overtime that I want to say no to & it feels like I’m sleeping every waking second that I’m not at work aside from squeezing in the training. I feel exhausted but I know I can’t be because I’ve had plenty of sleep & if I could just be bothered to do stuff, I would be able to do it! I’m isolating because that is my safe place where I look out for me & me is all that matters...It’s not healthy, I know but it is what I know.

I was so busy feeling annoyed with myself (not enough to do anything about it of course) for achieving literally nothing on my recents 5 days off that it came as a shock when hubby pointed out I’d been to see my Nan. It wasn’t the afternoon I’d planned with her in one of my less lucid moments, in fact, it was a trip to Fulham instead of GA but it was a visit where I put myself out instead of having my full-time working Mother, in her 70’s drive them out to see me. It’s a huge deal for me! I’d also “run” 10 miles on one of those days which is no mean feat considering that @ any given point after the turnaround, I was considering a comfy bush for a little rest & the week before I was lucky that the last 2 miles were all downhill or I wouldn’t have made it home @ all on a 7.9 mile one. Tomorrow I have an alarm set for parkrun...That will be a test because I have a massage booked for 12 & if I don’t get my 4th run in before then, it’s unlikely that I will get it in @ all! Only I can get myself up & there...Getting to the meeting tonight may have provided me with the impetus I need to honour this plan.

As CW pointed out on another thread the difference between ill & well is I & we...I’m no longer alone, I have that support network all around me but it’s me that has to make the necessary changes to accept the help - ODAAT

Why...I don’t like asking it & I like it being asked of me even less because it feels like a telling off:

“Why have you just scribbled on the paper, you were supposed to do a drawing.” (1st day in my new primary school...hated it! & much to my shame, had 2 “re-draws” until I finally produced something that to my overactive imagination resembled a plane with acne...Added some stalks & leaves to turn the angry red spots into apples & got away with it)

“Why have you written “I love my family but they hate me” on your bedroom wall?” (in my defence it was under where my pillow went...so I’m not sure I expected anyone to find it)

“Why have you written an article about bullying for the school magazine?” (I don’t even think I knew what a school magazine was I was so young. I don’t remember the article but I remember Nan being very upset for me which was kinda nice but upsetting @ the same time. Looking back, I know I wasn’t bullied, I think I was just a bit lonely! (& yes Dan, if you are reading, I understand the irony of this having resisted my background being a part cause in my addiction for so long!). I was from a privileged working-middle class white family, relatively ahead of the game with reading & writing & so had a different skills set to the multi-cultural environment where English was not a 1st language for many...I got picked last for games, never got caught playing kiss chase, spent many lunchtimes sitting in the dinner hall refusing to eat my lumpy mash & green mush but I did not see skin colour & still look back on those days as happy carefree ones, especially when we started cycling to school (unbeknownst to me because Mum couldn’t afford the car). Maybe this was after my best friend left & I found myself in a sea of people who just weren’t on my wavelength because I know I spent an inordinate amount of time towards the end of that school looking after a little girl from India who couldn’t speak English?!? Maybe I was just being creative & who knows, maybe the response from that one article stopped my creative juices coz I don’t remember writing again unless demanded, until I was out of school.

Anyway, I digress, I don’t care “why” I gambled, I just did...The end! But I do care about my recovery & so I analyse my responses & behaviours a bit more now & tonight I had a physical reaction to someone explaining their trip to the doctor & it wasn’t just because I nearly fell out of my seat as he recreated the scene...@ full volume! I too had an out of the blue, uncontrollable, “WAAAAHHHHHHHHH” moment with a doctor when I went to see him about my sleeping. First of all, I had self diagnosed a sleep problem so how dare he suggest I, me of all people, could possibly be depressed (snort), how ridiculous! My ego was definitely bruised @ the audacity of the man but reality was, I didn’t know what the words were to explain my feelings because I’d spent so long repressing them that I couldn’t & still can’t to some extent, identify them! The angel (subconscious) & the devil (conscious) are still there in my head but instead of the devil controlling my gambling arm whilst the angel whispers “don’t do it”, because I’ve learned about self care, the angel has been empowered! In order to penetrate my mask of bravado, my brain took over & produced the silent words of pain (not so silent in my case), universal in any language & attempted to drown out the devil as it valiantly continued to spout bs about me being fine (or as they would say in AA in an American accent, “hanging in there”)! I came away clutching anti-depressants having been persuaded to give them a go, to help the sleeping of course. Looking back I was probably going through some sort of functioning depression but I was barely weeks into my recovery, deep in denial & carrying MY rocks around like my life depended on them. Now I know it’s ok to feel empty, it’s ok to feel sad, it’s even ok to feel meh & if I ever get to the state I was in 2 years ago then it’s back to the GP with my head held high to ask for help...Gambling didn’t take me to GA, abstaining did & whether I like it or not, I can’t do this alone & JFT, I’m ok with that - ODAAT

So it’s been almost 2 months since I darkened these doors & yet the website is still as difficult to navigate as it was when it was 1st “fixed” ?  It’s not my place to be miffed about it but randomly when I loaded up, it was on a post I’d left for Pops & there are loads more asterisks than I recall...Wonder if the ? emoji is sanitised like the word is now ?

Anyway, I have nothing to say (not that that usually stops me) & even though it’s not my place to have the hump over stuff, turns out I’m no longer perfect & triangular brown emojis do happen!

For all the new people here, welcome...I hope you find what I did ?  

And to all the old...You all rock ✌️ Thanks for being such a huge part of my life ?  And no, I haven’t been drinking, I just have an incredible new posting & am exercising regularly (who knew the doctor would be right, it really does help)!  Be safe one & all - ODAAT 

Posted by: ODAAT

So it’s been almost 2 months since I darkened these doors & yet the website is still as difficult to navigate as it was when it was 1st “fixed” ?  It’s not my place to be miffed about it but randomly when I loaded up, it was on a post I’d left for Pops & there are loads more asterisks than I recall...Wonder if the ? emoji is sanitised like the word is now ?

Anyway, I have nothing to say (not that that usually stops me) & even though it’s not my place to have the hump over stuff, turns out I’m no longer perfect & triangular brown emojis do happen!

For all the new people here, welcome...I hope you find what I did ?  

And to all the old...You all rock ✌️ Thanks for being such a huge part of my life ?  And no, I haven’t been drinking, I just have an incredible new posting & am exercising regularly (who knew the doctor would be right, it really does help)!  Be safe one & all - ODAAT 

Hiya Kelly :)) .

You know what I'm going to ask first " Is that you in the photo " ? , I'm not laughing ( honestly ) but that's a face that only another family member could love :)). 

How much running have you been doing to warrent a post as happy as that one girl ? , however far it is all I'll say is keep on running  as it's deffo working :)) . 

I miss you and your way of writing about life on here , you always had a certain gift in my opinion , anyway the old geezers rambling again now so I'll leave it there for now and wish you peace and continued happiness in your new posting and life . 

Much love and best wishes 

POP'S xx